When in doubt...

So, here I was, on top of the world in so many ways all of November. I couldn't even express the joy I was experiencing. Perhaps I was bound to crash? As Oswald Chambers reminds me in my daily devotional, we can't stay on the mountaintop forever. We must go through valleys but keep that mountaintop experience in our minds to give us hope and inspiration.

I entitled the post "when in doubt...". It's the first thing that came to mind when I reflected on the past few weeks of my "funk". Sometimes I have doubts. As a matter of fact, I am not a person who would claim to have the gift of faith. I doubt everything all the time. But, that's OK. Because, it forces me to continually seek out answers. And I believe that God wants just that. He wants me to be SEEKING him.

Today, i am feeling completely RECONNECTED with God, my faith, and the joy that was escaping me for a bit.

Today I was reading through my daily journal, the thoughts I record as I have my quiet time with God. I felt like sharing some here. Not sure if anyone would be interested in my rambling thoughts, but, as always, feel free to not read.

On 12/18: "I'm in a funk. Going through the motions. Not feeling a passion for serving you. Lord, I need you to lift me out of this. It's not sadness or anxiety. It's just apathy. It's like maintaining a life that honors you is like paddling upstream. And we moved to a place where the current is so stinkin powerful - moving in the opposite direction. And if I stop paddling, even for a few moments, I'm carried away. Into this dark world with all of it's suffering and confusion and darkness. Then I read your word that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. But, it doesn't fell that way. Even in my devotional today it says 'being faithful to Jesus Christ is the most difficult thing we try to do today' and I agree! Today I am so grateful that I can go to church. To be with my community. To worship you with all my heart. To share life with others who are trying to paddle upstream and are tired. Today we get to stop paddling and just bask in your presence. Worship and glorify you. Enjoy your peace and love and grace. Ahhh. I guess when I think about it, I have the choice to do that every day. And I do, I remove myself from the world, try to enter your light and spend time meditating on what is true and good.

I'm honestly just tired of trying to figure out how to tell others about that love and peace. I really am. People want to attach something ugly and unloving to any message I have of love, grace, truth. People make unfair assumptions about me. That's fine. I don't care what people think about me. But I do care that people would miss out on unconditional love, purpose, truth, grace, and freedom. Now that I think about it, maybe I'm missing out on that too. Whenever I feel empty and unable to move forward in my life submitted to you, Lord, it's because I am not filled up with you, I'm trying to do it on my own. My own momentum, wisdom, strength. And, that doesn't work.

So, today, right now, I commit to filling up on you and only you. That is my absolute, number one commitment. LOVE the Lord your God with all your heard, mind, strength and soul.

If I am doing that....if I am communing with the God of the universe who IS LOVE...it is then that He can work in me and through me to allow me to follow the rest of the commandment...love your neighbor as yourself.

That is only something He can do once I am completely filled with his supernatural power.

Lord, fill me. Overflow. your love, grace, mercy, power, truth. I need you desperately. Wisdom, discernment, faith, light, love, compassion....

(and i went on from there to ask for things and listen)

(I'll skip many other days because this is getting WAY too long)

12/21 "I have to get back to the gospel message. Redemption. Salvation. Sanctification. Amazing gifts that I have received. These are the things that bring me joy! These are the things that explode in my heart in a real way and make me want to shout for joy that all people can freely receive these gifts. That's all it is. A gift. All we need to do is let go of whatever SELF we are grasping onto in order to have hands wide open to receive.

Receive love, forgiveness, peace, mercy, grace, redemption, transformation, guidance, acceptance, truth. Thank you Lord for these gifts. Why is there so much hatred and anger attached to these concepts today? Why? I don't really need to ask. It's because WE get in the way of your message, Lord. We want to take over. Take control. Do things our way. Serve ourselves. But that is not the way your kingdom works. It's an upside down kingdom. It's all about giving - not receiving. Serving - not being served. Submitting - not having power. Turning the other cheek - not retaliating. Giving grace - not condemnation. All of these things go against our selfish nature, our culture, our pride.

So, we compromise. We accept bits and pieces. But not the whole deal. And we end up more confused than ever because we don't have the peace. the truth. the joy. all the things we were promised seem to slip from our grasp. Because we don't really want to fully grasp. That would be too radical. We might offend someone who doesn't think like us. We might be looked at, talked about, judged as strange, fanatic, holy roller. And, even if we claim that doesn't bother us, it could make Jesus look bad if we look weird, right? Hmmmm, I'm not so sure about that! I think Jesus Christ can handle his own PR. I think we need to submit, accept, and worship. Jesus does his own shining when we are seeking him and filling up on him. He doesn't need us to try harder to come up with ways to make him look good!! How insulting to His power! What a lame excuse for protecting my own reputation.

Thank you Lord, for your gifts. May I honor the gift this season by putting you first. Not by worrying about who chooses which greeting. Not by worrying about who appears more captivated by the commercialism and who does not. Not by wearing Santa socks and snowflake earrings or even giving the right gifts or cards. May I honor you by falling on my knees before you every day, worshipping you alone, obeying you alone, and trusting you alone. And, living unashamed of the peace and JOY in my heart. And loving others as you do. No agenda. No conditions. No judging. That is not for me to do. I am to joyfully serve you and my neighbors. I want to love you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love my neighbor as myself. I can only do that through your power. Without you I am selfish. I was created to worship. Will I choose to worship you? Or me? That's the question. Please Father, help me to worship you."

OK, I don't know why I felt compelled to write all of that on this blog. But, once in a while, I do that. Every day I write with or to God, but as you can tell, it is full of rambling and imcomplete sentences. And, it's my way of focusing as I hang out with him.

All I know is, I was having doubts and an overall funky time. But, God can be trusted. He met me in my funk and lifted me out. I need to focus on him and not on myself!

do-er

Most women will say that there is something pretty awesome about being this age. 40ish. Because, by now, you should have a pretty good idea of who you are, what your strengths and limitations are, what you are good at, what you are not good at, etc. And, you care much less about trying to be just like the other women and rather embrace yourself for who you are. You know you don't look 20, and you don't try to. At least this is my experience with girlfriends in their 40's.

But, it is still funny how reality has a way of whacking me in the face sometimes.

I've said it before, and I will say it again...I am a "do-er". I learned this years ago at a Hearts at Home conference. There are generally some women who are "do-ers" and some who are "be-ers". And, it is easy to judge or envy a person who possesses the opposite bend. I have so many examples of this happening.

Now I just laugh when I notice the difference. And I try to appreciate the way I am wired.

See, after having my normal routine in an upheaval for a few weeks (16 of the last 18 days we have either had a guest here or been traveling), I am feeling behind on my "do-ing".

So today I caught up on many things. Non stop do-ing. It gets dark early, and I started losing steam, but felt anxious becuase I had a LONG list of to-do's still haunting me. I was having trouble enjoying our dinner conversation because I was feeling anxious about needing to type up meeting minutes for one meeting, figure out how to edit and attach an excel document for another fundraising event, coordinate volunteers for another event, etc. Seriously. I never did this much when I "worked". But, it was Friday night, and I wanted to also find some time to chill with my girls.

We did go out for a little bit looking for a geo-cache, but we weren't successful, and I honestly couldn't relax. So, when we got home, we finished up folding laundry, putting bedding on, picking up, etc. I asked Alli if she could run a borrowed item back to the neighbor. When she came back, she was smiling and said "They are so predictable over there. WHen I went to the door, she answered with her glass of wine, the music was playing, candles were lit...."

Hmmmmm, my INSTANT thought was "son of a b!$#%, why can't I relax like that on a Friday night? WHy do I have to be so uptight and worry about the sheets being clean and 50 million volunteer obligations?" But, I know the answer. It's just the way I am.

My neighbor is a stay at home mom also. And, she is so good at "Be-ing". I'm a little bit envious, I'll admit. But, I don't dwell on it. I think it's humorous. We are all different. A good friend who is also really good at be-ing has told me that she is often envious of my energy and involvement and "do-ing".

Nah, I won't waste time being envious or wishing I was different. But, I WILL strive to maintain a bit of balance. We like to have FUN in our home. We value down time. And I have made many changes throughout the years to make sure our schedules align with our values.

And, now, after scratching about 6 items off the list, I am resting and reading blogs and writing just for fun. I would hang with the girls, but they are watching tv, and I don't enjoy that.

And, I didn't choose a glass of wine, but I had a delicious treat.

See, I know how to relax and just "be...."

Visitors

Been a bad, bad blogger this month.

But, it has not been an uneventful month. I even put on my to-do list "blog" many times. But, it never made the cut. Oops.

A few weeks ago, Timm travelled to MI for work and when he returned, he brought his good friend/co-worker, Gerald with him. He stayed for a few days. He and Timm worked and played here in NY for a few days.

When Timm dropped Gerald off at the airport, it just happened to be my 40th birthday. Little did I know that he was also picking Carrie up at the airport to SURPRISE me!!!!

Oh, did I scream when he told me I had a package and he brought her in!!!!! I just sat there staring at them and babbling. I was so shocked. I did my best to clear my schedule and Carrie and I had a wonderful few days gabbing and gabbing and eating and drinking and shopping. The night of my birthday, Timm took us out to Alma and we had a great dinner. Craig and Chris SURPRISED me and met up with us there!

Carrie told me she had made reservations for us to have dinner Friday night, and when we got there, I was SURPRISED again when 7 beautiful ladies were there waiting to celebrate with us.

Seriously, the reason I haven't blogged is because I can't seem to put into words how blessed I feel. It started the morning I woke up on my 40th birthday and I felt this incredibly strong sense of joy just bursting in my soul. This was before I knew any of the surprises that lie ahead. I just sat there reflecting on my 40 years on this earth and felt completely overwhelmed with how blessed I have been. I talked to my parents on the phone that morning and thanked them for being such a huge part of making my childhood safe, secure, and full of love.

Since then, things have just spiraled out of control. Every minute seems to point to more blessings that I need to acknowledge. That Friday night, out to dinner with Carrie and 7 others, I almost couldn't focus. I was dizzy feeling. It was like I felt SO loved and SO blessed, it was making me feel intoxicated.

Seriously. Who has a friend like Carrie? Oh, not only did she come here, but she showed up with a gift - a dvd slide show set to two songs that made me feel so special. Amazing and Legacy. When the first photo flashed on the computer screen, I gasped and threw my hand over my mouth. I wasn't expecting the pictures to date back to my BIRTH! She collected pics from my sister, Timm, and my childhood best friend! COME ON!

And Timm. Who has a husband that awesome? He hugs me and says "don't worry about anything. Enjoy your time with Carrie and I will take care of things." Not just for one evening, but DAYS.

And, my two perfectly healthy kids. my parents. my sister. my brother. my nieces and nephews. my in-laws. my health. my friends. my relationship with Jesus and the joy that brings me. Like I said, it is just too hard to put into words, let alone eloquently!

We traveled to MI to celebrate Thanksgiving.

More Thankfulness.

I'm full.

Not from the indulgent eating (although there was plenty of that). But, I am FULL.

I was reading one of CS Lewis books recently about joy. He was trying to describe how joy feels. He attempted to capture the essence of it. But, he struggled to describe it. CS Lewis. He couldn't put it into words. He did his best and then he recommended that if you have never had any similar experience or feeling, you probably wouldn't have any interest in his book because it all came back to that indescribable experience that is at once all consuming, yet fleeting. Joy.

That is what I am full of.

Now, we have another visitor! Timm stayed in MI for work and I had an empty seat in the cube on the trip back to NY. So, my 18 year old niece, DJ hitched a ride with us. She is going to visit all week and fly home Friday. I loved having her there today to pick Olivia up from school. And then when Alli got home and they were all up on my bed together. Ugh. I miss being close to family so bad it makes me wanna puke sometimes. It's the little moments like that. Just hanging out together with someone in the family. I took her to Central Park today, and to China Town to buy some Christmas presents.

I will try to post some again soon. Can't get the pic of DJ to load. Oh well.

I am blessed.

Retreat

Retreat, as defined in the dictionary: a quiet or secluded place in which one can rest and relax.

This weekend, we went on a retreat with our church. We had over 30 people. The setting was perfect. Beautiful rolling hills bursting with fall colors. Green open fields and pastures, some with animals, some with the animals from our group who love to play ultimate Frisbee! A huge old building, with tons of character, which housed us for most of our activities, and some of our sleeping rooms.

Last night, while tucking my girls into bed, they were thanking God for their awesome weekend. Olivia said "I pretty much think that was our best weekend ever..." and Alli agreed "Yep. Definitely."

My heart was so warmed. Part of the reason they felt that way is because we always love to get away and explore new areas. Also, they loved being in nature and enjoying the beauty of it all. The food was pretty appealing. They got to stay up late. But, I believe the MAIN reason they were feeling so content is because of the amazing love they felt within the community of people we hung out with all weekend. What an incredible feeling. To come together, worship, rest, laugh, play, eat, learn, challenge, discus, and relax. And, then to have some personal alone time to reflect as well.

The whole thing was refreshing to my very soul.

I have a ton of pictures. Craig's are better.

I'll upload mine to facebook too when I have a minute.

Retreat....ahhhhhh....I feel so blessed.

open hands

Picture in your mind a set of open hands. What comes to mind? Anything? I think I lived most of my life relating the vision of open hands to the idea that those hands had to let something go. But, I can honestly say that I can now visualize open hands and think of the freedom those hands have to serve others, to receive things, or to simply hang there in a relaxed way, not clenched onto anything.

Is it just me, or is this a lesson we continually learn throughout life? When I left home, I let go of the family that protected and molded me. But, in letting go, my hands were open to receive my independence and freedom to discover myself on a deeper level. When I got married, I had to let go of my independence and single life, but my hands became open to cultivate a life of unity with a person who has completed me in a way I never would have known possible. I could go on and on.

Last week, while I was in Michigan, I was absolutely marveling at the Fall colors. And, I was reflecting back on one of the most beautiful Fall displays I have EVER seen, which was exactly one year ago. It was during my drive from NY to MI on Oct 20, 2010. What a strange day. Driving through the mountains in Pennsylvania, speechless at the beauty of the colors and the sunshine and the glory of God's creation. Meanwhile, I had an enormous pit of grief in my spirit because I was driving back to MI for the funeral of Timm's mom. But the super strange thing was that I don't recall if I have EVER experienced the sheer beauty of a Fall day like I did that day. It was like my hands were wide open to receive. I had just let go of someone I deeply loved. My hands were wide open, whether I wanted them to be or not. And, there, with my hands wide open, I was given supernatural gifts. Gifts of peace and beauty and a deep feeling of love.

It is my belief that this is a spiritual law that takes place. Jesus refers to it many times in the gospels. "You have to lose your life to gain it...". Other world religions have similar quotes from their honored prophets or gods. I don't completely understand it. But, I experience it. It just is....

Today, I awoke to a gorgeous sunrise. I took the time to simply enjoy that sunrise as it changed colors, hues, brightness. But, I don't think I ever appreciated a sunrise or a sunset as profoundly as I have in the last year, since Sharon passed away.

A few years ago, I felt God challenging me to let go of a LOT of things. Actually, I felt him challenging me to let go of everything. And, in response, I gave up a LOT of things :) I'm sure he will continue to challenge me with the rest throughout my life. I'll admit, there have been times when I have been mad at God, confused by Him, and not trusting that He is worthy to have me standing here with my hands WIDE OPEN and having Him in control of EVERYTHING. But, let me just say that He CAN be trusted. And, whenever He has lovingly challenged me to let go....yes, I have had to release things....but I have received so much! Truth is truth. And, I have experienced this as true. If I am willing to open my hands and let go, I do receive. Sometimes it is a measurable, earthly blessing. Other times it is a spiritual blessing that goes so deep I can't put it into words. I guess that is the kind of joy Jesus promises us. And, I guess that is the kind of joy we are all seeking. And, it is the kind of joy I get so excited about sharing with others. It's joy beyond description. And, I am SO thankful that God lovingly challenges me to let go of things so I am before Him with hands (and heart) wide open!!!

addiction

For a long time, I would pray part of Psalm 139 "Search me Oh God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

I would pray that because I really, truly do want God to reveal my deep and hidden sin. I don't want anything to separate me from the joy of God's love. Sin does just that. It separates us.

But, when I pray this and mean it, the results are always painful. I DO NOT like to focus on my areas of sin. Ohhhh, I resist it. Because once it is revealed, then I have to deal with it. Yech.

So, I was chatting on the phone with my sister this week (which was very nice and we need to do more often by the way). As I was inquiring about how each person was doing, she reported how busy my 17 year old nephew is. She rattled off his insanely busy schedule and added a couple of things he has had to decline for sheer lack of time in his week.

I found myself sighing heavily and saying "oh...I miss that. I miss being busy like that." Then something popped out of my mouth that I know is true but I don't think I ever spoke it aloud. I said "That's my drug. Being busy. It numbs me. It feels so good. I can just focus on the next thing, constantly in motion, never having to slow down and be in the moment, never having to really stop and THINK because there just isn't time. "

Our conversation went on from there and we both grew tired and called it a night. But, the words I had spoken kept rattling around my head. I have an addiction. And it pulls at me every day. It screams out to me to be fed! It's gotten a bit muted since I haven't indulged it as much recently. But, it's still there.

It's strange because it would never look like a bad thing from the outside. And, in and of itself, it is not a bad thing. But, I know that when I take time to commune with my creator, he has convicted me of this addiction. He has revealed to me how I use it to numb myself and avoid Him and what He might be calling me to do.

It manifests itself in most areas of my life. I love exercise. But, I love to RUN. The faster the better. I know the benefit of other types of exercise and I have disciplined myself to participate in some. But, when it comes to something like yoga? Forget it. That is torture to me. Slowing down, holding a position, focusing on breathing. UGH! Just the thought of it makes me want to get up and run away right now.

Well, God has blessed me with a husband who has helped me gain a little bit of balance in this area. And, as I have been on a journey to follow Jesus and surrender my life to Him, I have slowly been transformed in this area. But it is still a struggle and a temptation. I'm often questioning God about how He wants me to use my time. Although I often clearly "hear" Him asking me to not over-schedule, to be available, to slow down, to practice being fully present in the moment, to graciously accept His love and to pour that love out in all that I do....even though I hear that, I resist. I come to him at least once a week with a new proposition of how I think I could be using my time differently. Good thing He is so patient with me.

I love my life. I am so madly in love with my God and so FULL of His grace and truth and love. I can guarantee I could not be having that same experience if I were doing things my way - giving in to my addiction and living life comfortably numb. No thanks.

Thanks God for searching me, knowing me, and leading me.

September in the city

Sharing some good times.

The Sunday of Labor Day weekend we went to a cyclones game. Liv made a sign and cheered. Alli got a foul ball.

Labor Day was a really cool day. This was our thirdLabor Day as Brooklynites and we planned to go to the beach, as we had the last two years. Only, this time we got to celebrate something special. About 20 people from our church community came out to be a part of our first baptism celebration. We baptized two of my friends. It was a windy day and the waves were so rough! And we were getting blasted in the face by sand! I could use that excuse for my tears. But, really I had lots of tears of joy for my friends.

Here is a video of the Baptism.

Then the girls started school last week. Alli 7th grade, Liv 4th grade. We are right in the middle, walking distance, four blocks to Liv's school and four to Alli's. God is good to us. Everyone around here says "WOW!!!! You are SO LUCKY!"

This past weekend Alli had a few freinds sleep over Friday night. Here hey are eating whipped cream right out of the can. Oh boy, they sound like 7th grade girls for sure.

Saturday we had our block party. It was so great to meet our neighbors and just enjoy the day. Playing, eating, drinking. Kids running wild in the street with skateboards, scooters, fire hydrant spewing water all over. There is a lot of neighborhood pride on our block and it feels so cool. We really had a good chance to talk with the folks who have been here for 10, 20, 30 years. We also had fun with the newbies and made some new friends. Good times. We feel incredibly blessed that God led us right to this block to live.

As it got dark, we were able to see the beams of light rising into the sky from the sight of 9/11. The following day would be the 10 year anniversary. It was a very strange feeling being here on that anniversary. Surrounded by people who lived through it and knew people who were killed that day.

We had a time of sharing on Sunday at our church gathering. Here is Craig's Blog if you care to read some of his thoughts.

All weekend, I enjoyed seeing pictures on facebook or picture mail of my niece enjoying her reign on the court of the Richmond Good Old Days back in Michigan. It would have been really nice to share that time with family. My nephew made his debut driving the John Deere in the big parade. So thankful to have instant pictures available! That is so neat! Makes it a lot easier to be far away.

Timm is working mostly from home. He loves his new position. He is working hard and we are praying that this position is long term for him. So, if you feel like praying for us, we'd love support in that prayer.

No I will add a few photos!

King of Awkward Moments

Yesterday I was listening to a friend's album, amazed at his talent by the way! One of his songs is entitled "King of Awkward Moments". At the same time, I found myself reflecting on a chance encounter from the day before that had left me in serious contemplation. And, I put the two together....God really is the King of awkward moments. He is IN all of our moments, if we will just have the eyes to see him. I'll share my awkward moment in the best way I can put it into words.

We were enjoying our "Grand Finale" of summer fun as a family. We went to Luna Park at Coney Island. I was having a great time watching the JOY on my kids' faces as they experienced the thrill of all the rides. At the same time, I was feeling an "awkward" sense of guilt. Here we were, unloading the $$ for two wristbands so our girls could experience 4 hours of having their bodies whipped around in various ways against the physics of nature. Then we were reaching back into our pockets to fork out the $$ for ridiculously over priced snacks. We wrapped up the evening with a fairly affordable dinner at subway ($5 footlongs rule). But, we added a whopping dessert bill at coldstone creamery. So, I sometimes stop and think about how much time and $$ we spend pursuing leisure....fun...enjoyment. I can't help it. I'm one of those people who can't help bu think about "the starving kids in Africa" every time we indulge in something. But, that isn't even the point of my story.

I was sitting on a bench, the girls were on a ride, and Timm was catching some shade nearby. I was enjoying watching the people. And, it was obvious that people watching at this amusement park was a different experience from Cedar Point where we go each summer. This crowd was very diverse. So interesting to see all of the different cultural and ethic clothing, behavior, language, etc. I heard the woman next to me say something. I wasn't sure what she said, so I turned to her and nodded and smiled. She said something else, clearly speaking to me, but again, due to her thick accent, I wasn't sure what she said, so I smiled in response. So then she politely asks "do you speak no English?" I responded, "Oh! No, I'm sorry. I do speak English." And we began a conversation.

Although this beautiful young woman shared her name with me, and I even repeated it, I cannot even pretend to have any idea how to pronounce or spell it. She had dark skin, long black hair, and traditional ornate "Indian" clothing with her whole body covered in layers of gorgeous fabric. During our 20-30 minute conversation, as she fed her infant son, I was convicted, inspired, and moved. Yet, in a sense, it was an "awkward moment". In that short time, she shared with me that it was a day of celebration for her and her family who are Muslim. They were celebrating the end of their fasting month of Ramadan. She told me in her broken English, with a big smile, about their practice of fasting for 30 days from 4am - 8pm. I asked some questions about it and she was happy to share. She told me that they try to focus on "no bad things, no lying, only good things" during the fast. We talked about motherhood and how it changes us as women. She told me she just moved from Pakistan a few years before. She told me about her marriage and how "In her religion" and "In her country" the parents choose a spouse for their children. She said that parents have more wisdom and life experience in order to help direct their kids into a good relationship. We talked about our neighborhood and families. She asked me at one point whether I had married my husband before we had our kids? She was not at all asking in a judgemental way, but out of honest curiosity. She said that most of the people she meets do not "do it in that order" here. She said she was glad for our kids that we "did it that way". I told her that our family is of the Christian faith and we hold strong Christian values to guide our choices. I told her that I hope to be able to teach my girls to hold these values, even though they are pulled by the world to turn away. She just waved her hand and shook her head and said "No. No. You are their mother. They will follow you in your ways. They will. They will do whatever YOU do." She said it so matter-of-fact. Like I should have no concern whatsoever that my girls would turn away from the faith, values, or standards that our family holds.

Anyways, like I said, we chatted for 20-30 minutes. And, here is the awkward part. There are many who would say that I should encounter this person with sadness. Sadness that she doesn't know Jesus and truth. Sadness that she won't "get into heaven". Sadness that her religion is wrong and mine is right.

But, that is not what I felt. I was so encouraged by this sweet young woman. By her strong family values, her love for her home country, her religion, and life itself. She convicted me. She was the one who reached out to talk to me. I did not pursue her. She tried three times to start a conversation. I only heard the broken English and saw the obvious differences and assumed she wasn't talking to me! She was so enthusiastic about her faith. She wasn't ashamed. And, being that it is approaching the 10 year anniversary of the terrorist attacks of 9/11, any Muslim in NYC could easily feel a bit ashamed to be identified as Muslim, right? She convicted me that sometimes I am "ashamed" of my faith because of the few people who wrongly represent my faith. Those who are unloving, judgemental, hypocritical, and self righteous. I hate the thought of being thrown into a category with "them". But, why? That is NOT what MY faith represents. And, that is not how i feel. So, why would I be ashamed?

And I was convicted by her open and excited sharing about the traditions of their faith, including fasting. What a truly disciplined and beautiful practice. During the past month, as I have indulged in summer fun, eating out, having bar-b-ques, eating ice cream, drinking beer, pursuing amusement and fun....many people in her faith have been observing this fast every single day. Not just one day. Not two. But...30. And to see her face light up as she talked about it was so inspiring.

She inspired and encouraged me about my girls needing my example. She inspired and encouraged me to be strong and bold in my faith, yet loving and accepting of others. She never made me feel that my faith was wrong. She listened and smiled and accepted me. All I was able to see was our common ground, and the good in her, and the good she brought out in me. How could someone say that I should feel the need to "convert" her? In my opinion, all good things come from God. And, in my opinion, God used her to encourage, inspire and convict me.

That can get "awkward". Everyone has an opinion about what we should be doing as followers of Jesus to spread his Good News. Is it enough to simply enjoy a conversation and find common ground? Or am I supposed to try to change this person to "my" way? I don't really want you opinions on this, just a rhetorical question.

Wish we could ALL do a better job of finding common ground with others, loving them, and humbly accepting them for who they are.

spiritual food

I like food. A lot.

I have had occasion where I have practiced the discipline of fasting from food. It has been at times when I felt God prompting me to humble myself and remember that there is more to this world than just the physical. There is a spiritual realm and sometimes my physical self is so loud and demanding and "in the way" that I don't seem to hear my spiritual self. So, I have found that fasting from food gives me an opportunity to tell my loud, demanding physical self to SHUT UP and take NO for an answer for a while while I focus on my spiritual self.

This morning in my devotional, I was challenged to think about prayer as my spiritual food. Prayer isn't just a time to come before God and ask Him for things. It is my time to nourish Jesus who lives in me. Without that time of prayer, the spirit within me is starving.

And I wonder if I truly ever FEEL my spirit crying out in hunger like I do when I am physically hungry?

When I am feasting on a daily abundance of prayer and time with God, my spirit is full. Full of peace and joy and contentment. And, yes, when I don't feed my spirit, I do feel it. I find that the more time I spend feeding my spirit, the more I crave it. The louder that spiritual self becomes. The more tuned in I am to truth and to the promptings I believe are from God, the more I feel like life makes sense and I have hope.

It amazes me that so many people genuinely crave that spiritual food, but they neglect to really seek it out and satisfy their appetite. Can you imagine if you were physically hungry and kept asking people for advice on how to satiate the hunger, yet every time someone recommended that you spend some time eating, you say you tried that, but you just don't have time for it?

So, I hope I can remember to feed my spirit. Not just once a day. Not just a quick "thanks" before I eat. Not just to beg for help when I'm at my wits end. But, to really feed on God throughout every day of my life.

Because, as I noted in my journal this morning, I am so connected to God during my quiet time with him in the morning. During that time I feel so alive and the moment feels so sacred. But my challenge is to keep that holy, sacred perspective throughout my day. To keep my eyes open to opportunities to love, to demonstrate grace and mercy and compassion. One way I can be more focused is to continue to feed my spirit. Day and night.

I need spiritual food.

Finding God in unexpected places

This summer I came across this book I had read once before, but am happy to be reading it again. It is "Finding God in Unexpected Places" by Phillip Yancey.

Last night, as I laid in bed waiting for Hurricane Irene to blow my roof off, I was reading the Chapter entitled "The Wall Comes Tumbling Down" referring to the Berlin Wall.

I read:

"...In East Germany, one of the few Eastern European countries with a Protestant majority, for forty years the church sought ways to serve the "city of God" while living in an officially atheistic "city of the world". Since many avenues (such as television and radio) were closed, early on the church adopted a commitment to care for the neediest members of society, especially the profoundly disabled. And they met together regularly for worship and prayer.

Although Jesus spoke of a "kingdom that is within you," throughout history the church has faced constant temptation to form alliances with external centers of power. The US church faces just that temptation today, with its emphasis on politics rather than spirituality. Yet, in a nation like East Germany under Communism, that possibility did not exist. Christians there had no "power base" as such, none but the power of love and prayer."

OK, that is just a tiny excerpt. But is resonates so deeply with me. Forgive me for generalizing here, but I must say that the church of the US really gets on my nerves. If some of the people who claim to love Jesus would just quit trying to get into a position of POWER and instead find the POWER of loving and serving others with compassion, humility, kindness and love! The power of the kingdom of Jesus has nothing to do with politics. It is the power of grace and love and serving. Unfortunately, many will never see that power. Because so many followers of Christ spend all of their time, energy, and voice condemning and judging and fighting at the political levels instead of loving, accepting, extending grace and shining the light of Jesus to actual people in need.

When did Jesus ever command his followers to "go out and judge others...." or to "go out and make laws for people to follow...."

No! Jesus commanded his followers to Love God and Love others. He also commanded us to make disciples.

If you are a follower of Jesus Christ, how are you reflecting His love to others? I'm not saying I am good at it myself, but it is my hope and prayer that our family, and our church community is a light of hope and a refuge for all. Pointing the finger and making judgements on others is not a way to reflect light. Nor is it a way to transform hearts that are broken and hurting and in need of repair. And, making laws that we think will force people to do the right thing? That doesn't transform hearts either. The only way I believe that a heart can be transformed is the power of love. And I believe that Jesus offers that love. That power.

I know that there are a lot of amazing people who are humbly serving others and living in a way that reflects the love of Jesus. And I also know that the media loves to focus more on the negative, destructive, ugly side of things. So, we are much more likely to hear about the nasty and ugly side of the church in our country. But, I really hope that more people who claim to be followers of Jesus will let go of their faith in nationalism and politics and embrace the faith that Jesus modeled for us.

pathetic.

It really does seem pathetic sometiemes...this life of a Mom. First I am completely independent and fearful of bringing a child into my life who depends on me. Then, just as expected, I fall so deeply in love with my child that my head swirls and I encounter a new level of reality here on earth. Then, life moves so quickly. Sleepless nights. Milestones reached and passed. Another baby who provides another glimpse of how BIG love can be and how much love can be held in one human heart. And, more quickly, life spins. Potty training. Teaching. Laughing. Crying. Encouraging. Baby talk. Toddling. Learning to ride a bike. Learning about love. Learning about disappointment and discipline. Juggling work, scheduled activities, family time, serving others, down time. School days. How can they be gone so many hours of the day? Who is influencing them? Shaping them? Molding them? Did I do enough preliminary training to ward off the lies and worldly influences they will encounter? Is there still a chance to have an influence on their hearts?

And now, a new era. At once joyful and heartbreaking. My baby is old enough to "babysit". It started with brief stints of time having her stay home with her little sister. That grew into a few opportunities to stay home for a longer stretch of time while we went out for an evening. And, let me say, this has been so amazing. I can now say "Hey girls, I'm going for a run, be back in about 45 minutes." And, off I go! Freedom that has subsided to a distant memory has been thrust back into my reality. FREEDOM! Yet, it doesn't feel like the independence and freedom I had 12 years ago. There is at once a feeling of elation and appreciation for this renewed freedom, and at the same time a nagging feeling of dread that the time I have cherished with my sweet girls is no longer what it once was. Especially with my tween. It is natural and necessary for her begin craving more time with peers and in her own pursuits.

But, when my girls are not with me....I miss them. A lot. THey bring me such joy. And I feel such an intense and consuming drive to use every single moment as a "teachable moment" with them so that I am confident they are going out into the world equipped with what they need to make good choices and be true servants of God. Well, let's face it, I can't be like that every moment or I am a real drag. I have to just enjoy what we have, accept what is next, and continue to train their hearts and souls as we go along.

Alli put a shout out to friends and neighbors that she is ready to start doing some babysitting. Of course, she got 5 responses immediately saying that they can't wait to have her! Meanwhile, she has had some get togethers this week with her friends, and they have ventured off on their own to the park and for walks, and to the soda shop. Just them. No Mommies. And, what is pathetic? It made this pathetic mom feel really really sad. I don't want to give her up to others! Selfishly, I want her to say "No mom, I'm not ready to babysit! I'm not ready to go out with my friends. I just want to be home with you and the rest of my family becuase it is so great here and I want as much time here as possible!" But, truth is, she is just as independent as her mom. She's ready to go out into the world. And, I am so proud of her because she is a really good girl. She has shown amazing character and strength and integrity. And it really is thrilling to see her experience her independence and to test her boundaries and to discover her own steps.

So, this pathetic mom will unabashadly smother her girlies with love, affection, snuggles, praise, instruction, guidance, acceptance, truth, and encouragement. At the same time, I will establish those boundaries and challenge them to believe that they can expect more and better from themselves than they are currently seeing. They can always be growing to be more Christ-like in their character. They can, through the grace and power of God, achieve AMAZING things beyond their own capacity! If they are only striving for "their best" that is a shame. Their best is never enough. That is an endless, tiring, treadmill of effort. They need to believe and embrace that they can only submit their own efforts to God and let HIM do HIS BEST through them. That is when they will see incredible things happen in their lives!

Being a mom is a blessing I ever could have imagined. Thank you God.

It's summer

Well, it's summer time. Blessed and amazed and just wanted to check in to say hi.

I have had so much happen, that I can't begin to update this blog on all our happenings.

I can say, we made it to MI and enjoyed a wedding with Timm's family, time with both families all week of the 4th of July, DJ's grad party, time with friends, camping with Carlson's, Cedar Point, trip with Timm to Mt. Pleasant (with a pitstop at the outlet mall), surprise party for Kelly's 40th, and now the girls are at Springhill camp and Timm and I are in Grand Rapids. He's working, I am being a sloth. I leave today to drive to Rose City for some QT with my Carrie!!!!!!

So, that sums it up in one paragraph.

I feel I am being molded by the surrounding culture and find myself more inclined to post an update on facebook than to update this blog. I even got a new fancy phone that takes amazing photos which I can easily upload with one touch to facebook. How do I get them to this blog? No idea.

But, I have trouble tweeting. I'll be honest. I just have too many "characters" in my tweets. I've shard this before, I'll share it again...it takes me a lot of word to express my thoughts. I'm not succinct enough to tweet. But, perhaps being immersed in the tweeting culture, I too will learn to limit my rambling thoughts to a mere 140 characters?

Until then, I will still occassionally come here to ramble,.

But, I honestly don't have much to post.

My kids are away at camp and it is just about the freakiest thing to not have any communication with them all week! I have left them for stretches of time with family. And, it was strange when we were in Mexico and our communication was limited. But, this week, I have ZERO opportunities to ask how it's going!

I'm praying for them constantly and asking God to pour out His holy spirit on my sweet young ladies. I pray for them to feel drawn closer to Him than ever before and experience the freshness of falling in love with him all over again.

I am spending many hours praising God. He has blessed me beyond measure. Not sure why. I am completely undeserving. His grace is absolutely astonishing.

Wait, how old am I?

I'm confused. How old am I again?

Oh yah, amost 40.

I wasn't sure because I haven't been this excited about the END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR since I was about....10. I just thre that age out there, since I don't ever remember being so anxious to see the end!

Today is Liv's last day. Half day. Am about to walk up and get her.

Alli's last full day is today, then two more half days. Right up through the last day of June. Geesh!

Last night was my first executive board meeting for the PTA for Liv's school. I am now VP. I debated whether I wanted that much commitment to the PTA. I wondered if it was silly to commit so much time to meetings and such, which actually takes away from my time with my girls, in order to make things better for my child and her school. Weighing it out, I decided to go for it. Come on, I am a stay at home mom! I imagine that is the group who started PTA to begin with. God bless the working moms who are on the board and who volutneer. AMAZING! ANYWAYS....I made the right choice. My hope our family is intentionally living in a way that impacts our community. By that, I mean, if we picked up and vacated, we should be missed by some people in some way. We should be making an impact! We should "be the change we want to see in the world". Through much prayer and reflection, I feel God has led me to some areas I am passionate about. And, I am trying to invest my time, talent and treasure to do my part in these areas.

Liv's school is one of those areas. I have to get going, I will just say that we went through the school year calendar for the upcoming year, and we scheduled things for each month that we felt would build community, enhance education, build school spirit, offer FUN, and raise funds for filling in the funding gaps for some very NEEDED programs. I can honestly say that every child in the school will have an enriched and better experience because of our care and efforts. That is so cool. Definitely worth sacrificing a bit of my time away from my kids.

And, now, I am off to welcome Olivia to SUMMER BREEEEEAAAAAAAAK!

Counting down...

Just popping on here to say hello. Haven't posted in a while because I haven't had any deep thoughts to share.

But, I will say that we are in countdown mode here in the Kelly Casa. The girls have a few more days of school, then we will be packing up the van and heading to MI for almost the whole summer!!!!! Lots of great summer adventures planned. Hanging at Grandparent's, swimming, cedar point, going up north, going to springhill camp, staying with Daddy in Grand Rapids, camping with the Carlson's, etc. And, it is a needed refresher for the soul.

When praying, I hesitate to go to God and specifically ask for something. He knows what I need and I trust Him. However, throughout the last few years, one prayer request that I have boldly made is that God would please work it out in our family to allow for us to spend a good chunk of time in MI for summer. So far, this is year #2 where that prayer has been answered abundantly and I am so thankful. SO THANKFUL. I do not take it for granted at all.

Last night Timm and 3 of the men he is in true "Communitas" with were able to spend the night in the Hampton's at one of the guys' place. They loaded up their bikes and sleeping bags (as there is no furniture in the house) and will be enjoying some biking today.

Meanwhile, back in the concrete jungle, the girls and I got dressed up and went to an elegant affair hosted by another couple of Communitas friends. They hosted a wine and cheese tasting get together and we had a super great evening. We brought a bottle of pinot grigio, a block of good old white cheddar, and the girls picked some interesting juices to try (apricot and banana). Good food and drink, great company and lovely conversation/laughter. I feel so blessed by the community we are a part of.

So, today Alli and Liv will be filling up some water balloons in preparation for the "end of the year" party we are hosting with some of Alli's middle school friends this afternoon. The plan is: water fights, snacks and pizza (and lots of screaming and yelling and laughing I'm sure).

Then we will clean up any messes out behind our "house" because our downstairs neighbors are hosting a BBQ this evening.

Good times.

One thing I might say....I have handled with remarkable ease the transition from a large home to a very small apartment...I have adapted fairly well to navigating my way around this city on foot, bike, public transit and driving....I have managed to survive long stretches of time without hugging and loving family and life long friends....but there is one thing I do not think I am up for that I have recently been tested with.......la cucuracha. Yes, we have been paid a visit by the lovely urban houseguest, the cockroach. UGH! I can't handle a cockroach infestation. I can't. That is simply pushing me beyond my limits. And, I think Alli will be sleeping up on the ceiling, grasping onto the light fixture, just to get as far away from the ground as she can because she is so disgusted and freaked out. It's weird because I would be fine with it if we were camping, or staying somewhere in an underdeveloped country, or something like that. But, what bothers me is that this is our HOME. And it feels invaded. I don't want to get up in the night to use the bathroom and have to turn the light on and wonder if a nasty critter is going to scamper out of sight behind the garbage pail and go who knows where?!?!

Our landlord has been made aware and will be sending someone to spray. Hopefully soon.

Oblivia

Sometimes we joke around and call Olivia "Oblivia". Don't fret, it's all in fun and she shouldn't be too deeply scarred by it.

But, today I was realizing something. We call her that because she does not appear to be paying attention most of the time. She trips and falls often, walks into traffic (or trees or people or poles), and often asks "What?" in the middle of a conversation we are all having and she didn't catch any of it.

Today it occurred to me that it isn't that she is NOT paying attention.....but rather.....she is paying attention to OTHER things than the majority of those around her. She observes different things. She might walk directly into a pole, but she can tell you how many brick paver blocks we passed by on our block because she was counting them. She might walk into traffic, but she can tell you exactly how many steps it takes to get from one sidewalk to the other as she crosses the street. She might miss an entire conversation happening at the park, but then she might say something like this (and I quote her from yesterday) "Mom. I want to tell you something I observed. I don't want to sound like I'm racist or anything, but it is just an observation. I notice that quite often I see white babies and children with their nannies...and their nannies are not white. They are hispanic or black. Did you ever notice that?" First of all, I love when she says things like "I want to tell you something I observed". Secondly I think it is kinda sad that she has to clarify herself and "not being racist" simply because she did observe people who have different skin colors or ethnicities. But, that is the world we live in, so she was being appropriately sensitive I guess.

She gets excited sometimes over the most random things. The other day, we were discussing something and out of nowhere she blurts out "I learned to write the letters "c" and "d" in script." ONe morning this week, before she went to school, she just jumped up and said "I need a new journal. I need to write something down!" So I reminded her that she has a minimum of 10 journals, each with their own individual purpose, stored under her dresser. She said "No, I need a new one. This one if for writing down things that I observe and things that I notice and what that makes me think of..." So, she went to her stash of journals and dug one out. Next things I know, she's sitting on the couch writing in a journal. But, when I looked in her room, I see the rest of the journals strewn about, along with several torn pages that she ripped out of the journal she was now using. When I asked why she did that, she said it was because that journal was going to be for writing things down about moving from MI to NY, but now it was for this new thing and she couldn't' have pages in there that were written on already. Anyways, after she went to school and I was cleaning up, I saw that journal sitting there and looked at what she wrote. It said "The trees stand tall and alone. And I am like the tree." Then it said "the clouds are white and fluffy. It looks like cloud men are on them, throwing hail stones right at us."

That was the reason she urgently needed a "new journal".

Some of her other journals and notebooks are specifically for inventions, drawings, stories, poems, prayers, fairy tales, memories, and lists.

Olivia is moody, creative, smart, talented, messy, playful, adventurous, and curious.

I am learning to truly appreciate our Livvy for the "artist" that she is. My brain does NOT function in an artistic way. So, it is interesting and confusing for me to grasp how she thinks.

We have fun calling her "oblivia". And this week I told her we could start to call her "Taz" after the tazmanian devil who leaves a path of destruction wherever he goes.....but I wouldn't trade ONE THING about her. She is so awesome. So interesting. So unique.

i do it myself

Have you ever heard a toddler say this? I know my kids did all the time "I do it myself mama". Well, have you ever heard a 39 year old say this? I have, earlier this week!

We have a friend who is going to squeeze into our spare room and stay with us for a while. So, I said I was going to move the treadmill into our room so that our friend has a tiny bit of space for her clothes and stuff.

Well, most of you should know by now that my brain is lacking in the spatial perception arena. So, I assumed I was simply going to take the folded up monster and whip it out of one room and into the other with a mere scooting aside of a table and chair in the living room that may have presented an obstacle. (I'm used to doing that - do it every time we have a group of friend's over).

Long story short...sweating, swearing, gouging out walls and floors, disassembling pieces (and hoping they'd fit back together) and STILL I couldn't do it myself. I had to wait for Timm to get home.

Ugh.

I don't like feeling dependent.

Well, somehow it actually made me feel a little bit better to realize that he had to disassemble even more parts for it to fit. I was afraid to do that and demolish the whole beloved thing.

As he was putting it back together I told him how annoyed I was that I just couldn't do it myself. He said I shouldn't try to do things myself all the time, that God planned for us to need help. I argued that PLENTY of people are unmarried and can take care of themselves just fine and I did take care of myself just fine before marrying him!!!! But, he calmly pointed out that he wasn't talking about a spouse. He just said, we're not supposed to do life alone. God created us to lean on each other and to help each other out.

OK.

I guess.

He's right.

But, it's still hard for me to feel dependent.

So, the next day I had a REALLY good day. I have enjoyed my new little digital flip camera. It's convenient and small, takes a quality movie, and loads simply onto the computer. BUT....ever since we got a new computer, I haven't been able to figure out how to get the flipping flips to save onto a disc or something to back them up so if my computer dies, I don't lose all of my video. You have to convert the files, and do all this other stuff that is like a foreign language to me!

Aha! I figured it out that day! And, guess what? I figured it out "all by myself"!

We now have almost every single flip video safely copied to a dvd-r that can be played on the dvd player and even has a cool menu where you can choose which video to select!

Maybe I shouldn't feel THAT good when I do something on my own, but I can't help it.

May stuff

I would say that there is nothing exciting to share, but that really isn't true. Our life here is pretty exciting!

Liv's birthday (birthweek) was a blast.

On her b-day she took treats into school. Then, after playing for three hours at the park, we went out to "Mango" for dinner. A great choice. Really good Thai food.

The next day was Friday and we had a "Friday fun night" BBQ. Probably about 20 people crammed in our little place. Had a cake with ice cream and sang to her. She had a friend spend the night, Very fun.

Saturday we went to a few stoop sales and I found sone new heelies for Liv, then it was her tea party. I posted pics on Facebook, I'll include a couple on here. It really turned out great. One of my top 3 favorite for sure (and we have done A LOT of different parties through the years).

Also on Saturday, she received gifts in the mail and had a great time opening things from family. She got a letter from the dance studio as well inviting her to be in the Jr. Dance Company. She literally squealed and spun all around and would have done cartwheels if we had a little more space!

Saturday night we hung out with a friend of Liv's and her family at their place. What a pleasant evening.

Anyways, it was just a FABULOUS celebration for days!

Sunday was fun. After church and leadership meeting, a few of us met up for basketball. Ah, I hadn't played in over a year! I missed it.

So, I just felt like doing a little synopsis of the week.

I love that little Liv so much, she makes my heart BLOW UP. Thanks to everyone who made her feel extra special!

Spring has sprung

Nothing profound to share. Just so happy that Spring is here in full force. Looking at the forecast and seeing 60's - 70's as the high temps....makes me giddy.

This weekend is unusual. No big plans. Pretty wide open. Ahh.

I have 5 girls snoozing in the other room after a sleepover. Glad they are still asleep. Not sure how late the party went on. This mama went to sleep before them.

Would like to say that our week off before Easter was quite refreshing. Went to a hotel with an indoor waterpark in Connecticut for a couple of days. Hit a few shopping malls, including one with a chick-fila in the food court! Good times.

Then, we had our Easter sonrise service in Central park, which has become one of my most treasured annual traditions. I love Easter. Hope rooted in the resurrection....ahhh.

After the park we enjoyed brunch at the Kallen casa. So grand. Later, we had a dinner here with about 14 people. Lots of love felt that day.

The day after Easter our company arrived, and we had a perfectly gorgeous week. Grandpa, Kelly and Aunt Janet enjoyed some of the Brooklyn and Manhattan experiences, watched as the trees budded and burst with green, and even got to be there for the opening night of the girls' big dance recital!

I plan to enjoy a few local rummage sales today, perhaps a bike ride in the park, who knows? Happy to have a free day to enjoy.

What about Saturday?

As I sat in silence this Saturday morning, hanging out with God, quieting my soul...it occurred to me that we have "good Friday" and "Easter Sunday" but we don't really think about the Saturday in between. Or, at least I have not.

But, I awoke today to a cool, gloomy, rainy day. And, I was reminded of my experience last night. We had a gathering with our church and I had the opportunity to engage with multiple senses on the death of Jesus. I wept. A lot.

So, as I sat this morning, I wondered what it must have felt like when Jesus died and he had not yet risen! Imagine the unbearable grief of that "Saturday" in between!

In my journal, I wrote:

Solitude. Silence. Rain falling. Settle my soul, Father. This weekend is so profound. Good Friday is so sad. SO disturbing. So convicting. Dark. Reality of the darkness of humanity. Death. Betrayal. Torture. Sacrifice. Blood. Pain. Separation. Fear. Complete and total...LOVE. Forgiveness. Submission. Mercy. Compassion. Grace. Love.

Today....it rains. It's dark. The loss feels unbearable. The grief too much. Imagine not knowing what tomorrow holds! No hope. Just loss.

Instead, I know the SON will rise. The sun will rise. The hopelessness, dissipated and scattered. The darkness completely filled with light. The resurrection. The hope. The promise. The purpose. The fulfillment. The power. The glory. The victory. The love. The light. The path. The way. The truth. Mercy - undeserved forgiveness. Grace - undeserved love. Abundant. Complete. Whole. Absolute. Total. Love.

Tomorrow we celebrate. It is done. It is finished. Forgiveness complete. Hallelujah!

law of gravity

I don't know about you, but sometimes I hear or read something that I have heard or read a million times and suddenly....WHAM....it hits me in a deep and profound way. That's been happening this week for me, and I love it.

I happen to believe that God sent me the holy spirit to dwell in my soul. And, as i am ready, he reveals things to me. This week, he has been revealing to me my profound need for solitude and silence. And, it's just silly because I "know" this already. But, like I said, sometimes it just hits me....WHAM!

Here is a quote from a book I am reading:

"Just as the physical law of gravity ensures that sediment swirling around in a jar of muddy river water will eventually settle and the water will become clear, so the spiritual law of gravity ensures that the chaos of the human soul will settle if it is still long enough."

I love how she references the law of gravity. No one will dispute the FACT that there is a physical law of gravity, right? But, because it is more difficult to gather concrete evidence in the spiritual realm, many people choose to just discount it all entirely. But, once you experience for yourself something like the "spiritual law of gravity" you will also be convinced that it as REAL as the physical.

Why are we so quick in Western culture to dismiss the spiritual? We are all about physical science. Why? I have always had so many questions that go much deeper than the physical. Yet, some people seem to be able to coast along and not be "bothered" by contemplations about the spiritual realm. It amazes me.

I think it is in large part due to the fact that we never remain still long enough for the chaos to settle in our souls. We just forge ahead, full force, setting and pursuing goals, taking care of crises and trouble that arise (putting out fires), and constantly moving at a frantic pace to set and meet that next goal.....

I am so thankful that God has challenged me and offered me the opportunity to STOP and pursue solitude and silence. It is there, in the quiet stillness, that I am able to hear the voice of my creator. He is able to affirm for me who he created me to be, and I am able to rest in his loving embrace. He then challenges me and equips me for this physical world I live in. Without that time, I am an empty physical vessel just trudging along on my own strength wondering why I'm so exhausted and confused.

Thank you God for revealing to me the SPIRITUAL law of gravity. I look forward to continued education in the subject of spiritual science.

create and imagine

Ok, Liv couldn't be left out of the blogosphere! You can check out her thoughts and contemplations at create and imagine. Hopefully she will share her poems and other "sayings". Yesterday, on the dry erase board she wrote:

"LOVE ~ is never wasted. It stays."

Today is was:

"CREATIVITY is your friend. Play with it. Don't despise it."

And she already put one up for tomorrow:

"PEACE stays in your heart if you tell it to."

I love her 8 year old mind!!!!!

your runnin'

Only Timm will understand the title of this post. he-he.

If you ever find yourself in a verbal spat with someone where you are whipping out one line zingers at one another, we find this one to be a fun and effective one-liner. "Oh yah? Well.... you're runnin'."

Yes, I realize it doesn't make any sense. That's the whole idea. Hang around Timm and I a bit more, and you will catch on to our stupidity.

I will be 40 this year and I thought it would be a fun goal to do a half marathon before I turn 40. My friend invited me to join her in an all women event in Central Park. So, I decided to go for it. Last Sunday, we met at the train at 6:15 am and headed to Central Park. We arrived plenty early to enjoy the energy of 10,000 women gathered to run (and to wait the the bathroom line for at least 30 min) before the race started at 8am.

Then we parted ways because we decided to run at our own pace and I was curious to see how I could do.

I'm not sure if I'll ever do another race of this length. People ask if I am going to do a marathon and I just have no desire to run that long or far. But I will admit that I (almost) enjoyed this one. However, throughout the entire run, as I found myself able to keep going at a pretty good clip, and the sun was shining and I was encompassed by the breathtaking surroundings of Central Park, running with SO many other women.....I found myself just praising God. I have no idea why he blessed me with a body that is able to run. But he did. And, as I was running along, I promised Him that I would give ALL glory to Him.

I sometimes complain a little bit because I have friends who are such amazing artists. I complain because I am envious of their ability to create, paint, perform, sing, compose music, and so on....

Then someone will say something like "you are a good runner." Well, so what? What good does that do for anyone? What does that contribute to society? Nothing. So, it doesn't seem like a very valuable gift.

Shame on me. I should be SO grateful for whatever gift God has given me. And, I should give Him all the thanks. And I do. As I was running Sunday, about 2 miles into the run, I decided to give it my all. I had a little conversation with God and thanked him for my body and my legs and my heart, etc. And then I told him I'd use my body to the best of my ability and praise Him the whole time. That was FUN!

I ended up finishing 221 out of 10,000 runners. I was very happy with that. My time was 1hour 44 min. That is just under 8min per mile. I'm sharing that because I promised God at mile 10 that if he could please intercede and keep my calf muscles in tact (and not allow them to explode all over the place like it felt they may) then I would push my hardest and tell everyone that I was simply using the gift HE gave me.

I still don't know why I got that gift instead of creativity or artistic talent or whatever. But, I will be proud of the person God made ME to be.

Funny thing is, we are hosting this weekly "girl's club" with a few 8-11 year old girls. We are going through a book and each week we discus the importance of knowing who we are, being excited about who we were uniquely created to be, and not trying to act like anyone but ourselves.

Perhaps I am learning along with the little girls! Perhaps they are teaching me! I should not wish I was like anyone else, but rather, be the best me I can be.

So, I'd encourage you, if you have a gift, just accept it with grace. Don't be a brat and wish you had gotten a different gift! God designed YOU exactly as he planned. Your plan is not better than his. Accept who He made YOU to be and give HIM the praise! So, go ahead, brag about your gifts and talents, just remember to give God the glory.

everything alli

A long time ago (2 years) Alli had asked if she could have a blog. Seemed OK to me, so we tried to set her up with one. However, she didn't have her own email and in order to create one under my email it had to be linked to my blog. That was a bit confusing and we ended up leaving the blog to sit there and "collect dust".

All that to say, she resurrected her blog attempt. It is called Everything Alli and you can check it out if you'd like. It's still connected to my blog and we're ironing out the kinks.

But, it's cool to catch a glimpse into her thoughts.

Dang I love that kid.

dates are good

Dates are good.

Not necessarily the edible type of dates. Not sure if those are good. Dried up little misshapen balls of semi sweet natural sugar and chewy texture.....yah, I'm not talkin about those dates.

I'm talking about dates with my husband, my friend, my lover, the man I chose to become one with and spend the rest of my life with.

And what I am recommending is that you also consider making dates a priority with your spouse. Seriously, how can you commit to cleave to your spouse and become one flesh, yet neglect to spend one on one time together? Impossible.

Of course, every couple has their own personal preference for how they connect and spend time. It could be as simple as turning off the tv/computer/phone/kindle/etc and having some one on one time at home together. Timm and I could get better at that, I will admit. But, for us, when we go out and share an experience together that involves exploring and enjoying something new, that sure does fill us up in a unique way. That's just who we are. We love to explore and see new things and enjoy those things together.

Let me just say THANK YOU to all of our friends and family who have stepped in while our children were little to babysit so that Timm and I could pursue dates together. Because, we are now glimpsing the amazing next era in our parenting journey, which is to leave our big girls home alone. Wow. That is a feeling of freedom that is hard to explain.

I'm so glad to know that our girls are responsible enough to trust them to hang out at home for a while so that we can go out. They actually enjoy the freedom as well.

So, I am a happy mom and wife. I love my husband more than I ever have. 20 years of growing to know and love him have built a level of trust and connection that I never knew was possible. And, spending time with him to walk, talk, eat, drink, share, laugh, cry, complain, praise, question, or just listen...that's good stuff.

Thank you God for my husband. Thank you God for our time together!

so proud

A few months ago, I expressed some concerns regarding the academic performance of our sweet middle schooler. I discussed it with several close friends and family members. Although she was loving every single day of school and being an all around amazing person, her grades were.....not so good. And, we knew she had potential to do better.

So, I only feel it is right and fair to report that she has successfully achieved her goals of improving those grades!!!! YAY ALLI!

Can I even begin to communicate how proud I am of her? No. It would just be annoying. I really am a bragging mom. I mean, I could go on and on about how loving and caring and nurturing and helpful she is. I could mention how hard she works, how independent she is, and how respectful she is of authority. I could mention the great choices she is making and the wonderful character of the friends she is choosing to spend time with. I could even gush about what an incredibly loving big sister she is. But, like I said that would be so annoying!

Let me just say that I am SO PROUD.

good or best?

Today I read this: "The greatest enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but good choices which are not quite good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best."

When I read that, part of me wants to feel annoyed....bristled....skeptical. But that is because I rely on MYSELF. How and I supposed to figure out what is good and what is best? Too much pressure.

Then I breathe, and I relax, and I remember that I have made a decision to stop trying to figure it all out on my own. Ahhhh, what a relief. I can ask my creator what He thinks. Seems logical to me.

However, the key is to not wait until I'm in a pickle before I go to God and spend time with him. Because I spend time with him every day, I feel fairly confident that I know him. His character, his promptings, his "voice".

He has challenged me to be patient. It's sorta funny. Patience. That's the thing I have prayed for most fervently. It's the thing that has brought me to my knees in repentance and defeat. It has had such a stronghold on me. Now, here I am, realizing that He has gently led me to a life where I need to practice my new found discipline of patience every day. Yet, He has orchestrated things in a way I could have never planned out on my own.

If I just relied on myself and my own "good" ideas, I am positive that I would miss the "best". I would hit the ground running, get a job (or two), volunteer for everything that I could, serve others any way I saw possible, and still not pass up any offer to let loose and have fun with others. That's all GOOD!

But, through my daily discipline of patience and listening to the promptings of my creator, I have found myself in a much different scenario. A calendar that isn't filled up. Days that are not maxed out. Time that is free and available.

Here's what is interesting. Those vacant squares on my calendar just scream out to me "fill me! fill me! You aren't worth anything if you aren't busy! What are you contributing to society if you aren't working? What are you teaching your girls if you are not modeling what it is like to go to work each day? You could volunteer more! Do! Do! Do! "And, on and on the screaming continues.

Yet.....I resist those "good" things. Because I have heard my Father's voice. He has asked me to do it differently, and I am choosing to obey. He has asked me to STOP and to be available to others. And, let me tell you, that takes patience.

I believe it is the holy spirit guiding me. Why? Because, I have seen the fruit of the spirit in my life. I have seen my character change. I have seen my struggle with impatience healing. I have laughed out loud with joy when God delivers me a "divine appointment" on a day when I am wide open to receive it. I have found joy beyond measure in getting to know other people at a deeper level by investing time with them. I have been an example to my girls, not an example of being a worker in the worldly sense, but a worker for God's kingdom here on earth. They know that when I am with them, I have reserved my energy in order to engage with them and serve them. I haven't spent it elsewhere.

I am not for one single second preaching about what a Mom should do with her time! That's not my point at all. God bless the working Moms! I am simply saying that I feel like I have been able to overcome MY pursuits of what I think is GOOD in order to submit my entire self to what is BEST. Submission to my Lord is what is Best. And, I will do my best to be PATIENT and AVAILABLE every day for Him.

the burning...it feels like...burning

I don't even know where this phrase came from? Timm and the girls say it. And, it is said in a way that would make you picture them melting away like the bad witch on the wizard of oz.

Anyways, yesterday in my devotional (Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest). He gives me Luke 24:32 "Did not our hearts BURN within us....?" Then, Chambers goes on to say this:

"We need to learn this secret of the burning heart. Suddenly, Jesus appears to us, fires are set ablaze, and we are given wonderful visions; but then we must learn to maintain the secret of the burning heart - a heart that can go through anything. It is the simple, dreary day, with it's commonplace duties and people that SMOTHERS the BURNING HEART - unless we can learn the secret of abiding in Jesus."

This is the hard part for me. The simple, dreary day. That's what smothers my fire Yet, I feel that God has called me so clearly to slow down, simplify, be available, do less. So, many of my days have that simple, uneventful feeling. I need to grasp onto Jesus and abide in him to have fuel.

How's your heart? Burning? Big orange flames? A small glowing ember? A smoldering, white/black hunk of coal that appears dark but holds remarkable heat within? A sizzling, fizzling mess that once was hot, but has been smothered? A lukewarm glass of water that is not refreshing on a hot day, nor refreshing on a cold day? An ice cube?

I want a flame, Lord. Help ignite my heart.