addiction

For a long time, I would pray part of Psalm 139 "Search me Oh God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

I would pray that because I really, truly do want God to reveal my deep and hidden sin. I don't want anything to separate me from the joy of God's love. Sin does just that. It separates us.

But, when I pray this and mean it, the results are always painful. I DO NOT like to focus on my areas of sin. Ohhhh, I resist it. Because once it is revealed, then I have to deal with it. Yech.

So, I was chatting on the phone with my sister this week (which was very nice and we need to do more often by the way). As I was inquiring about how each person was doing, she reported how busy my 17 year old nephew is. She rattled off his insanely busy schedule and added a couple of things he has had to decline for sheer lack of time in his week.

I found myself sighing heavily and saying "oh...I miss that. I miss being busy like that." Then something popped out of my mouth that I know is true but I don't think I ever spoke it aloud. I said "That's my drug. Being busy. It numbs me. It feels so good. I can just focus on the next thing, constantly in motion, never having to slow down and be in the moment, never having to really stop and THINK because there just isn't time. "

Our conversation went on from there and we both grew tired and called it a night. But, the words I had spoken kept rattling around my head. I have an addiction. And it pulls at me every day. It screams out to me to be fed! It's gotten a bit muted since I haven't indulged it as much recently. But, it's still there.

It's strange because it would never look like a bad thing from the outside. And, in and of itself, it is not a bad thing. But, I know that when I take time to commune with my creator, he has convicted me of this addiction. He has revealed to me how I use it to numb myself and avoid Him and what He might be calling me to do.

It manifests itself in most areas of my life. I love exercise. But, I love to RUN. The faster the better. I know the benefit of other types of exercise and I have disciplined myself to participate in some. But, when it comes to something like yoga? Forget it. That is torture to me. Slowing down, holding a position, focusing on breathing. UGH! Just the thought of it makes me want to get up and run away right now.

Well, God has blessed me with a husband who has helped me gain a little bit of balance in this area. And, as I have been on a journey to follow Jesus and surrender my life to Him, I have slowly been transformed in this area. But it is still a struggle and a temptation. I'm often questioning God about how He wants me to use my time. Although I often clearly "hear" Him asking me to not over-schedule, to be available, to slow down, to practice being fully present in the moment, to graciously accept His love and to pour that love out in all that I do....even though I hear that, I resist. I come to him at least once a week with a new proposition of how I think I could be using my time differently. Good thing He is so patient with me.

I love my life. I am so madly in love with my God and so FULL of His grace and truth and love. I can guarantee I could not be having that same experience if I were doing things my way - giving in to my addiction and living life comfortably numb. No thanks.

Thanks God for searching me, knowing me, and leading me.