pathetic.

It really does seem pathetic sometiemes...this life of a Mom. First I am completely independent and fearful of bringing a child into my life who depends on me. Then, just as expected, I fall so deeply in love with my child that my head swirls and I encounter a new level of reality here on earth. Then, life moves so quickly. Sleepless nights. Milestones reached and passed. Another baby who provides another glimpse of how BIG love can be and how much love can be held in one human heart. And, more quickly, life spins. Potty training. Teaching. Laughing. Crying. Encouraging. Baby talk. Toddling. Learning to ride a bike. Learning about love. Learning about disappointment and discipline. Juggling work, scheduled activities, family time, serving others, down time. School days. How can they be gone so many hours of the day? Who is influencing them? Shaping them? Molding them? Did I do enough preliminary training to ward off the lies and worldly influences they will encounter? Is there still a chance to have an influence on their hearts?

And now, a new era. At once joyful and heartbreaking. My baby is old enough to "babysit". It started with brief stints of time having her stay home with her little sister. That grew into a few opportunities to stay home for a longer stretch of time while we went out for an evening. And, let me say, this has been so amazing. I can now say "Hey girls, I'm going for a run, be back in about 45 minutes." And, off I go! Freedom that has subsided to a distant memory has been thrust back into my reality. FREEDOM! Yet, it doesn't feel like the independence and freedom I had 12 years ago. There is at once a feeling of elation and appreciation for this renewed freedom, and at the same time a nagging feeling of dread that the time I have cherished with my sweet girls is no longer what it once was. Especially with my tween. It is natural and necessary for her begin craving more time with peers and in her own pursuits.

But, when my girls are not with me....I miss them. A lot. THey bring me such joy. And I feel such an intense and consuming drive to use every single moment as a "teachable moment" with them so that I am confident they are going out into the world equipped with what they need to make good choices and be true servants of God. Well, let's face it, I can't be like that every moment or I am a real drag. I have to just enjoy what we have, accept what is next, and continue to train their hearts and souls as we go along.

Alli put a shout out to friends and neighbors that she is ready to start doing some babysitting. Of course, she got 5 responses immediately saying that they can't wait to have her! Meanwhile, she has had some get togethers this week with her friends, and they have ventured off on their own to the park and for walks, and to the soda shop. Just them. No Mommies. And, what is pathetic? It made this pathetic mom feel really really sad. I don't want to give her up to others! Selfishly, I want her to say "No mom, I'm not ready to babysit! I'm not ready to go out with my friends. I just want to be home with you and the rest of my family becuase it is so great here and I want as much time here as possible!" But, truth is, she is just as independent as her mom. She's ready to go out into the world. And, I am so proud of her because she is a really good girl. She has shown amazing character and strength and integrity. And it really is thrilling to see her experience her independence and to test her boundaries and to discover her own steps.

So, this pathetic mom will unabashadly smother her girlies with love, affection, snuggles, praise, instruction, guidance, acceptance, truth, and encouragement. At the same time, I will establish those boundaries and challenge them to believe that they can expect more and better from themselves than they are currently seeing. They can always be growing to be more Christ-like in their character. They can, through the grace and power of God, achieve AMAZING things beyond their own capacity! If they are only striving for "their best" that is a shame. Their best is never enough. That is an endless, tiring, treadmill of effort. They need to believe and embrace that they can only submit their own efforts to God and let HIM do HIS BEST through them. That is when they will see incredible things happen in their lives!

Being a mom is a blessing I ever could have imagined. Thank you God.