true colors?

True colors. Am I speaking of the incredible fall landscape God has blessed my optical sensors with? Ummm, not exactly. Just had to admit, today was the first day in our school year so far that I let my "true colors" show.
You see, I lack patience. Yes, hard to believe, I know. But, God has mercifully worked in me to grow me slowly into a more loving person, and it has helped me be more patient. But, I am a sinner. And one of the sins I struggle with is lacking patience, and lashing out in anger.
So, day one of week eight in our homeschool journey, and I lost control of my tongue. I resorted to sarcasm and teeth gritting, and placing my hands on my head while mimicking the act of pulling my hair out, while my face was beet red. I'm just being honest. I feel I should be honest about my struggles if I'm being honest about all that I have to celebrate.
Truth is, I still see the blessing in this. Because, if God had not miraculously changed my ugly heart over the last few years, the behavior I exhibited today would be the norm. Now, it is a short term relapse. I apologized to my girls, asked for forgiveness, and changed gears so we could start over. All is well. They are gracious and understanding of my shortcomings, and I try to extend the same grace to them.
True colors. Mine can resemble the dead grey of winter some times, but God really can transform them into the beautiful, vibrant array of colors we experience in the fall. Thank you God.

Ahhh, I needed that!

For the last 13 years, Timm and I have been a part of a "small group" through our church. For the last 10 years or so, it has been a Friday night routine. Every other Friday night, breaking bread together (pizza), fellowship (sharing stories, laughing till our eyes water and our guts hurt, making fun of each other ruthlessly, etc) , studying God's word, praying together, and holding each other accountable for life choices, laughing some more, eating some more, listening to the kids run around and squeel with delight, and inevitably staying up much later than we thought we would and dragging the sleepy kids to the car, or to bed WAY too late!
Last night was no exception. As a matter of fact, it was even better. Because we were able to share the evening with Craig who has this incredible gift of teaching and vision casting. Everyone we meet with for our small group now is a person who has felt called to be a part of the ministry taking place in New York. However, we are still in Michigan. It was just so nice to spend some time with Craig and just listen to him share stories of how God is working in the city, what has happened that they did not expect, and what it has been like to adjust to the new way of life. Like I said, he just has this wonderful gift for casting vision.
I think we all needed to be reminded that Jesus has called us to be his hands and feet to the world we live in. It doesn't matter if we wake up in MIchigan, or New York, or India, or wherever!!!! Our mission on this earth is the same, no matter what. To love. To show God's love. To preach the good news to others through our words and actions.
I honestly don't know how people can go through life without experienceing comunity as God has intended us to. I don't care if you are an introvert or extrovert or whatever. God created us to do life together. And our Friday nights have always been about that. True friendships. Not the kind that go like this: "how ya doin?"....."Fine"....."that's good".... But, true friendships that sometimes are warm and fuzzy and feel great, and sometimes are difficult and confusing and frustrating and do not feel great at all. If you are only loving people when it feels good and is comfortable and makes you feel warm and fuzzy, perhaps you need to explore what LOVE really means. We need to learn to LOVE each other even when it doesn't feel easy or good. That means asking and answering difficult questions. It means NOT ignoring the tough stuff. It means honesty, integrity, humility, and sometimes suffering and aggrevation. But, that is community. It is the only way to live.
So, ahh, I needed that. A good dose of VISION from the pastor. A good dose of true community with others. A good dose of pizza and brownies, and listening to the kids scream and squeel as they played together. All the while, learning to walk the narrow path that Jesus offers. Learning that it is often a difficult path that requires more self denial than any of us are capable of on our own. Learning that if we try to do it the "easy" way, we are fooling ourselves. Learning that we need each other. And, most of all, learning that God's will for us is actually quite simple (notice I said simple, but not easy) and that is to glorify Him in all that we do. To make him Lord. To simply submit ourselves to him every moment and let Him lead us. It really is a simple concept. He created me. I am His. My joy comes from serving Him and spending time in his presence and in His word.
And now, it is Saturday. 10:30am, and I am still in jammies. (that was just for you sonyia-cuz i know you have been up for over 6 hours already). Life is good.

I'm in love

Perhaps I have neglected to mention that I am in love? I notice something when I peruse the mustard seed distributed blog. T$ has a knack for mentioning his wife and his love for her. What a great thing to do. Have I neglected to do the same? Shame on me.
I honestly can not believe how God has blessed me with T$. I was not the type of girl who always dreamed of being married and living happily ever after. Guess I was a little too independent to believe someone could make me any happier than I was on my own. Seemed like it would be a drag to have to worry about someone else all the time :) Dating was a little bit of fun, but I have to admit that I was always thinking ahead to how exactly we'd end our time together, and I did my best to not get too wrapped up in a person who would eventually be a part of my past.
Then T$ came along and turned my little world upside down. Don't misunderstand. . . it wasn't love at first sight, sweep me off my feet, romance. Oh no, it was much more effective than that. Let's just say, God knew exactly how to break through my world of independent self sufficiency, and he sent T$ to do it! Thank you God for knowing me better than I know myself! As usual.
Some of the things that made me fall in love with my man: his sense of humor, his confidence, his intelligence, his poetry and how he sees the world around him from a spiritual perspective, his independence, his sense of adventure, his desire to seize the moment and have fun, his ability to remain calm and logical and not let anxiety take over, and I can't neglect to mention his uncanny ability to read me like a book, throw me off completely, and make me see another dimension of myself that simply wasn't clear before he helped me to see it.
Can I just say that each of those attributes drew me into falling for him when I didn't see it coming at all! And now, 15 years later, I am more in love with him than EVER! I appreciate every one of those qualities like never before and I thank God every single day for orchestrating our lives to be together. And as each of us pursue our relationship with God as the number one love of our lives, we grow closer and closer and closer to one another. That's the way it works! God IS LOVE.
I do not necessarily believe in "soul mates" per say. I do not necessarily think that each person can only find that ONE other person. But, I do believe that God brought Timm and I together. I know it as definitely as I know anything! But, for us to continue to grow in our love, we NEED to constantly pursue love. GOD IS LOVE. He desn't just expalin what love is, or tell us how to love, or give advice about love. . . HE IS LOVE. As T$ and I grow closer to that perfect LOVE, which is God, we grow closer to loving each other.
So, if I have neglected to mention my lover, I'm sorry. It just points to my tendency to be fact-oriented. If you look at my blog, it tends to present facts and information about myself and my family and friends. If you look at mustard seed, it tends to present thoughts and feelings. That is just one more example of how God put these two pieces of a puzzle together to complement one another in our differences. I am capable of sharing thoughts and feelings and emotions, but it just tends to happen in a more protected environment, whereas T$ has the ability to be transparent with everyone. One more thing I love about him. Integrity. . being who he is without apology. Not changing himself to please the crowd. So, if he has offended you due to this quality I am praising, please understand that it is part of his beauty. Yes, the fact that he doesn't give a sh#$ about what you think. . . it's a beautiful thing! he-he.
Love you T$

week 7

Well, we started week #7 today in our home school curriculum, and all is well.
Some things I am liking about homeschooling: 1) flexibility with our time on a daily basis, an hourly basis, and a weekly basis 2) spending time with my girls 3) learning some things from literature and history that I do not believe I have ever known, and seeing the girls getting excited about learning it too 3) Hearing one of the girls ask "when do we get to start history and science?" 4) not spending evenings pouring over homework and papers from school 5) field trips 6) being able to take the time to answer questions and discus topics of interest with my girls every single day 7)huddling up on the couch eating a snack and taking turns reading aloud from our books 8)allowing the girls to be more involved in household activities like cooking and cleaning, even though it takes a lot more time to teach them and let them "help" than to do it myself 9) being able to teach every subject through the christian worldview and training the girls' hearts to respond to the world in love, like Jesus 10) Seeing the joy on their faces when they are successful at something or are proud of some hard work they have accomplished.
I could go on, but just thought I'd say, things are going well. Thank you God for leading me to this decision. I never would have thought this was the road for our family, yet obedience to His nudging has already had great rewards!

pics of fall nyc trip

NYC in the fall

We just spent 7 days and 6 nights in the city. If you want details, you will have to check out Timm's blog at mustard seed distributed because he is the techie guy who brought the laptop and posted blogs frequently. I, however, chose to take a break from technology and have a vacation. So, I am back. Yesterday I had 103 emails on home account, almost as many on my work account (church), and had to check the forum we use to communicate Communitas stuff, and had to do some checking up on facebook. UGH! I haven't even taken the time yet to read the other blogs I enjoy keeping up on. Amazing how technology can be so consuming!
But, I will say that we had an amazing trip. Wasn't sure how I was going to juggle it with the girls and school. We ended up just taking a complete vacation from school. So, I guess we will make it up over Christmas break or something. I LOVE THIS FLEXIBILITY WITH HOME SCHOOLING! Don't know how I will ever go back. But, that is something I am holding lossely because we are just really trying to NOT get ahead of ourselves, but focus on what God has called us to do NOW. And I am certain that NOW this is the BEST thing for us.
Some highlights of our trip (without rambling for 10 days, which I could) include, going to the park with Sarah almost every day, visiting with all of our dear friends and laughing till we cried and our guts ached, walking and walking and walking, Meg cooking for us, eating on the rooftop in the gorgeous weather, dinner at Kallen's and talking with them till way late, seeing everyone's apartment, visitng Queens and Brooklyn, showing snippets of love to homeless, wondering if Liv is narcoleptic as she fell asleep several times just slumped over where she sat because we were going non stop, looking at apartments with friends, visiting a public school and seeing that it was really neato and not scary, discovering serval neighborhoods in "the village" that felt like home for us and looking at apartments there, visiting a couple of street fairs on a saturday afternoon in those neighborhoods and, again, feeling totally at home, wathcing Alli and Liv look at these tiny apartments and be TOTALLY pumped and excited about moving, instead of freaked out about the small space (what a blessing), going to many parks and playgrounds, doing the circle line boat tour of the island and seeing staue of liberty and ellis island close up (breathtaking), getting to know Chris even better with our chats and time together, the girls laughing and playing with Caleb and making forts in the closet, and of course our first church gathering on Sunday evening where everyone came together and our hearts longed to be an active part of what is happening with this ministry in the city(and then realizing we are an active part of this ministry, but it just looks a little different for us at this time), oh yah, can't forget the enjoyment of NY slices of pizza! OK, I am not going to be able to keep listing. It will bore you all to death.
I am amazed that we feel so at home in the city. Not so much for Timm and I, but the girls. That was my prayer from the beginning of this journey. That God would give the girls amazing peace and call them to the city as well if this is really His plan for our family. And He has done that! Why am I so surprized? I don't know. It's just an amazing answer to my deepest prayers! And it is really a gift to see other young people like Caleb and Megan thriving in the city environment. But, it isn't all pretty. Megan and her friends are having such intense spiritual battles, it is scary. Everyone is, really. They are having to be so strong and bold and realizing that this sparkling city by day is a very dark place by night. We enjoyed our visit as tourists, but we do not underestimate the lure of the dark side of this city. That may sound strange, but it is so real, you can feel it in all of your senses. It will take total dependence on God's power to go into a place that is so infiltrated by evil and wordly lusts and idols and remain pure and be a light. It scares to pants off of me to imagine that my girls will have that task before them! But, I trust that if God is calling our family to be a light in a dark place, then that is exactly what we will do! By HIS strength and power, and not our own. We are not worthy or strong enough or wise enough. But, we are learning to abide in HIM daily and walk in his path. To lean on him COMPLETELY. He WILL call us out of our comfort and security and force us to rely on HIM. If we are relying on our own strength and skills and abilities, then we aren't really getting the point. So, as much as we enjoyed this vacation and appreciated God's confirmation at so many times that this is HIS call for us, we do not go into this with anticipation of only good times and fun and happily ever after. We consider it entering the battlefield and being the warriors on the front lines, armed with LOVE, TRUTH, HOPE, LIGHT, and His power.
Here am I, send me. . . . .

Fall is in the air

I remember last year at this time, sitting in our small group bible study (not realizing at the time that we would be stepping down from leading that group, which we MISS!) anyways, we were sharing, for fun, what our favorite time of the year is. I think I was surprised that every single person said Fall. Football, back to school, cider mills, cooler weather, leaves changing, etc. It actually gave me more of a fondess for Fall with everyone sharing such warm feelings. Of course, I think I was the only one who said summer.
So, this fall, I am immensly enjoying the fall season. We have been to Wolcott Mill farm learning center, Big Red apple orchard, and of course PANKIEWICZ cider mill! Just so that you all know, they do have the BEST donuts. The best. Don't even bother getting them at those other carnivals that call themselves apple orchards. The Pank mill might not have haunted hayrides through a corn maze while petting farm animals and climbing a hay mountain. . . . you get what I mean. But, what they do have is YUMMY apples, cider and donuts, as well as a ton of charm. Stop by sometime.
Michigan weather is so strange. Last year for Alli's b-day, it was so hot. In the 80's. This weekend, we have some fun celebrations planned for our big girl turning 9. And, the high temps soar into the 50's. I can't believe it is October. I can't believe my baby is turning 9.
Life is good. Fall is good.