surrender

So, not only did I realize that I had taken on loads of guilt lately. But, I also realized that I had taken on a fair share of self pity, worry, anger, and doubt.
See, surrender is not a one time deal. It is an ongoing process for me. And it is painful. And, if I'm not careful, I find myself grasping on to things again. So, I find myself surrendering over and over. Whew. It can be exhausting! But, I have NO DOUBT this is where God wants me.
Today, I read some verses that have been hugely relevant for me over the past 6 months. They are John 12:24-25
24 I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But, if it dies, it produces many seeds.
25 The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
I don't want to grasp onto this life and hold it tight. I need to release it. I don't want to remain a single kernel of wheat in this world. If I surrender myself, Jesus prmoises that I will produce many seeds. That is what I want. That is my purpose in life. That is a vision I can live and die for. So, I fall to the ground and "die" to self, so that He can do a work in me. It's the only way I want to live.
It was strange, because the other night, I was able to purge a bunch of the stuff I had been grasping onto. And, ahhh, sweet surrender. But, the next day I was trying to create my 'bucket list" to share with my girl's club. It was really hard. Because all I could really come up with is "To serve God as my Lord in all that I do." That's it. Because, He has the coolest adventures and the best plans for me. I could come up with a list, but I know that His are better. And, on that day, I really felt like I had a blank page before me and I was handing it to Him. Not because I don't have dreams and plans and expectations, but because I hold them loosely.
Sweet surrender.
Also, Timm found out that he was misinformed about that job. They told him he would be notified by May 7, but it will actually be on or before May 22. So, we wait.