paybacks

Well, I guess I was paid back this morning.

See, as much as I try not to, I still find myself administering the good old "mom guilt trips" on my kids on a regular basis. It's just IN me somewhere and it comes out. Little things like saying (most likely in a sarcastic tone) "Yes, go ahead and have the frozen fruit bar. Even though it is the last one and I haven't even gotten one myself. I'll just have one next time I buy a box I guess....geesh...I guess i have to eat stuff faster around here if I want to get anything."

That's real nice, aye? So, I'm saying "yes" but loading a bunch of guilt on top. Gross.

So, it's awfully nice that my kids don't often seem to load me with a bunch of guilt in return. Mostly if I am feeling guilty or inadequate, I've loaded on myself.

HOWEVER....they do a have a few arsenals with which they can attack me right in the heart. This morning they loaded, aimed, and fired.

Alli was showing me the birthday card she was getting ready to send Grandma in Michigan. In it she says that she doesn't want to be in New York anymore. So, of course, that makes me feel sad for her and I ask her about it.

Both girls proceed with tears and grief about how they feel like they aren't really at "home" but on vacation somewhere and all they do in miss Michigan where they feel they are at "home". Olivia said, and I quote "this isn't living...." Ugh. It seriously feels like a punch right in the gut when my kids are missing family and friends and life in Michigan.

I listened and empathized and validated their feelings. But, I did have to gently point out that MOST of the time they are very happy and fulfilled and engaged in a life with lots of joy. And, there have been many times, during down time, when I suggest that they might want to call or skype someone from Michigan and they don't want to? Why? Not because they don't miss them. They definitely MISS them, but they are also LIVING a life here and doing things and are engaged in whatever they are doing.

I didn't press my point. I mainly listened and said I was sorry they felt that way. And, I gave big hugs and kisses. But, when they say things like "this isn't living...." and "I feel like we are on vacation and I'm just done and want to go home now...." I am buried alive...in GUILT!

I hope I never give them that kind of guilt trip. I know they are just sharing their heart and I appreciate it SO MUCH. But, I never want to burden them with the kind of guilt I experience. But, I do know that I pour on the guilt trips way too often, and let this be a lesson to me that it is an awful thing to pour onto someone!