My Love....

My Love…

Happy Birthday.

It’s tempting to start off with something like “I knew from the moment I saw you…” or “I remember the moment that I realized you were the one for me and I’d love you forever…”.  But, that is not how our story goes from my perspective.

My love for you is much deeper, much richer than anything that can be traced back to a moment in time. It is a million moments piled up and overflowing in a heap of goodness.

In all honesty, I never stop and think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t built my life together with you.  It simply isn’t something I can conjure up in my imagination.  Where would I be?  Who would I be?  It’s simply impossible for me to imagine because I am one with you.

Every single day, I give God praise for who He is and for giving me the gift of marriage to you.  When God’s word describes marriage in ways like “the two become one”, I get it.  Because I have been blessed with a real covenant relationship.  When I learn in Ephesians that God has a plan for how a marriage best functions, I don’t bristle at the idea of submission because, I get it.   It is an absolute joy to honor God’s design.  I’m not saying that either of us do it perfectly! But, it is such a gift to have a blueprint from our creator to help us and guide us in this crazy world we live in.

Every day I thank God.

Today I thank you.  Thank you for seeking God with all of your heart and being willing to humble yourself to His authority.  Thank you for considering His command to “love your wife” and living out each day in an effort to understand how to do that in practical ways.  Thank you for the grace you give me every day when I am selfish and sarcastic and skeptical and sinful.  Thank you for building me up with your words and actions.  Thank you for being a dreamer and showing me a world beyond the mundane day-to-day.  Thank you for your sense of humor.  Thank you for being present and in the moment with our girls and for the example you set for how they should expect to be treated.  Thank you for being ambitious and working hard to provide for us, while working hard to balance your time between family, work, yourself, and friends.  Thank you for taking care of your physical body and realizing how that is an act of love.  Thank you for being authentic, genuine, fun, honest, trustworthy, caring, compassionate, and selfless.  Thank you for making me a better me than I could ever be on my own. 

I love you and I look forward to our future together….following Jesus…one step at a time.

bringing out the ugly

Where to begin.
Spent much of the day at a voting sight.  Not because I give a crap about the election, but because we happen to find it to be a lucrative time for the PTA to have a bake sale at Liv's school.
To echo many posts on facebook....I will be happy when this election is over.
ugh.
It sure brings out the ugly in people.
Most of it doesn't bother me at all because I don't identify myself with any political party, group, or cause.  So, when people rant and rave about how much better (or worse) the world will be when their party or proposal or person wins (or loses) I find it easy to ignore.
But, it brings out everyone's sin nature.
Yep, I said it.
It brings out our sin nature.
We love to judge.  We love to create an "us" and a "them" and decide who is right, wrong, good, evil, better, worse, smart, dumb, etc.
Yesterday I read some dig against conservatives and how "they" are.  Soon after, I read something sarcastic and demeaning about democrats and how "they" are.  Then I read the horrors about republicans and how "they" are.
These are comments from friends.
I began to wonder...where do I fit into all of this?
It's easy and convenient to say I don't fit neatly into any category, therefore, none of their digs and demeaning comments are directed at me.  La, la la, I can go about my merry way.
But then I realized how horrible it all is.
Because, just when I am starting to feel all self righteous about not judging people and categorizing them and putting them down...I realize I am doing just that.  In my mind, I am thinking "THOSE political people.  THEY are so close minded and misled and annoying and ridiculous."  You get the point.  Any time I start a thought with "Those people..." I know it isn't gonna be good.
Here's the thing.  We all do it.  We all judge.  We step back and point the finger and think, or say, "Those people..."  And we feel so incredibly satisfied that we are "not like those people".
We're not?
Hmmmm.
When God put Adam and Eve in the garden and asked them to refrain from eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, why would he do that?  Because he's on a power trip and wants to make sure they obey, right?  Was he just trying to prove He is God and they are not and they better obey?
I don't think so.
He wanted to save us from the horrible sin of judgement.  It's disgusting and awful.
We were not created to judge.  We were not created to claim that we have the knowledge of good and evil.  When we do that, we are living in a way that is not how God created us.  We are living in sin.  Doing things our way.
I do it all the time.  And I pray constantly for God to take over my spirit completely and remove all of my tendencies to judge and finger point and make decisions about people and how much value they have.  Because, in God's sight, everyone has infinite, immeasurable value.  Nothing I decide about a person can change that.  So, I pray that God helps me to see people as He does.
It makes me sad that so many of the people who consider themselves to be followers of Jesus think it is OK to delight in the activity of judging, criticising, finger pointing, accusing, and devaluing others.  I don't care if it happens to be a political candidate who they disagree with.  There is never a reason to delight in eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.   There is never a reason to think it is OK and even claim it is "for His Kingdom".  Yuck.
Go ahead, vote.  By all means!  If you have the freedom to do so, and you feel a particular person is worthy of your vote, cast your vote! But can we ALL try to refrain from being judges and from stepping back and classifying others as "us" or "them"?
I will try to do that the next time a person who has infinite value to God starts ranting about politics.

When the going gets tough...

I'm sad.
I don't usually feel this way.  But, I really feel discouraged right now.
This week has been insane.  Glorious retreat weekend upstate, followed by Superstorm Sandy and days off hunkering down with the family.  Since we didn't lose power, it has been a very nice time off for us.  We even went ahead with Halloween plans and the streets were filled with adorable kids and smiling parents.  The last two nights, we have had people here at the apartment to share a meal and a drink and celebrate the fact that we made it through the storm so well.
But, I realized last night that I couldnt' stand it anymore.  I was watching all the suffering and devastation on the news, and I was living in vacation mode.
So, today I went to the local evacuation shelter that was set up at the nearby YMCA and volunteered.  I felt like it was a good fit for me, since I heard that they had evacuated people from nursing homes and assisted living facilities. I used to work at nursing homes and have always missed it a little bit.
After spending the entire day there, I will say that I am impressed with the many groups of people working together to create a safe place for all of these people to sleep, eat, get medical attention, and hopefully feel some shred of dignity throughout it all.  There are so many medical professionals, volunteers, and relief workers who are working to serve these people in need.
Normally my mind would find a way to remain focused on that positive aspect.
But, I can't do it.
I don't know what it is.  But, all I can do is think about how horribly sad I am for all of the people who are still laying there under the florescent lighting on portable cots.  Laying there in a huge room with bustling with hundreds of people, yet all alone.  I walked home in the fresh air and ate some food in my quiet apartment.  I have a loving family to go home to.  One woman told me today that she hopes "they" find a place for her to live because the place she left was already unlivable before the hurricane hit, so there is no way it will be fit for living now.  She snickered a bit and said "I hope they find me a place to live before I die."   She laughed, but she wasn't kidding.
It wasn't just the conversations I had with people who were afraid or uncertain of their future.  It was the number of people who were obviously too sick or too affected by dementia or mental illness to even have a conversation.
I worked with people for years who were in a similar condition.  How was it that I could go home, go along with my life, and leave it behind me?  What happened to me?  Is it my age now?
I don't know.
But, I look around a room like that and I get so discouraged. I just think of a saying that was popular in the 80's when I was a teenager.   "Life's a bitch.  And then you die."  Instead of feeling like the saying "when the going gets tough, the tough get going!"  Nope.  Couldn't muster that up.  Sure, I was able to get going enough to hang out there for the day and help.  But, all I could think of was how hopeless I felt for each person!
When I couple this experience with the images and stories I have been seeing on the news this week, I just can't feel hopeful.  I guess my true inner pessimist is lurking and revealing itself.  I hear what the leaders are saying.  "We WILL rebuild" and stuff like that.
Maybe I have been living in a bit of denial all week and today was a reality check.
This whole thing really sucks.
Part of me wants to wake up each day and roll up my sleeves and help any person who is suffering.  And, the rest of me feels paralyzed by the fact that what I saw today, and what I am seeing on the news this week....that's just life.  All over the planet people are suffering like that every single day.  I just don't dwell on it.  I can't.  And that realization makes me want to belittle any possible way I can help and focus on the fact that I will never fix any of it.
I need to shake this off.
I'm in a serious funk.  Yuck.
This past weekend at our retreat, we discussed the topic of trust.  We talked about trusting God, no matter what.  We talked about what He promises and what He does not promise.  We had some really honest dialog about how difficult it can be to trust God and how it can seem like maybe He is not good.
In the end, we encouraged one another to remember who God is.  He is love.  And He is good.  And, he promises hope, peace, and grace.
Today, I don't feel that.  I will continue to believe it in the midst of not feeling it.
But, today I feel like the only promise is this:
Life sucks, and then you die.

hangin with liverwurst

Me and Olivia hanging out on a Saturday night.
She even turned down an offer to play with a neighbor girl because she wants to hang with ME!
Oh, how I cherish these times.
I injured my leg, so I am taking it easy.  We ordered chinese food and Olivia walked all by herself to pick it up.  She was so proud and happy to have the independence!
Right now, she is frantically scribbling down words in her "writing notebook" for homework.  She is wondering how she can finish this story and also do her other homework, as it is already 7 pages long and she is going strong.
Meanwhile, I am tap tap tapping away on the keys of the computer, writing this.
We both love to write.
Last night, she was alone in a room and I wasn't sure what she was doing.  i went in to see if she wanted to go to bed soon, and I found her passed out on the tiny couch with a notepad on her chest.  I should have taken a photo.
The notebook was a "book of lists"
The list she had just completed was, "Things I need to do at least once"
Here are the 10 things penciled in her neat handwriting:
1 - go on the witches wheel
2 - go to six flags
3 - be a bridesmaid
4 - give my life to God
5 - move to Michigan
6 - walk the hall of fame
7 - start a movement
8 - invent a revolution
9 - improve a life
10 - Improve ME
Of course, I just looked at that list and loved it.
The way Olivia thinks is always so intriguing to me. In some ways, she is the most childish, playful, carefree person I have ever met and in other ways, she can have these deep, mature trains of thought.  So fun.
That's all.  Lots on my mind.  Could write about a lot of things.
But, we are getting ready to watch "the muppets take manhattan"
I'm not sure why God has chosen to allow so many blessings flood my life. But, I have a heart full of gratitude.  And, although my future appears to be unknown and that is a little scary, isn't it always unknown and we simply fool ourselves by believing it is somehow within our control?

covenant

Reading the book of Acts in the bible, there is so much about the outpouring of the holy spirit and about baptism.  It seems that every time someone believes, the gift of the holy spirit is just poured into them, and they immediately get baptized.
covenant.
We don't use that word in our culture.
covenant.
Yet, it means so much.  It is so powerful.
Baptism was the way a person would express their vow to enter the new covenant.  It was a BIG deal.  It's so much more than just believing.  It's a decision to make an eternal commitment to submit to Jesus as Lord, God, Ruler, King.
Do we even have words that we currently use in our culture that represent this?  We say commitment. Contract. Dedication.
But nothing seems sacred.  We are committed until.....something changes.  Our contract is honored unless.....the terms are not met by one party.  We dedicate ourselves until...something more appealing presents itself.
When we have a covenant relationship with someone, we can trust the deep, sacred promise that is not contingent on circumstances.  It is simply a sacred promise.  Unbreakable.
Last week at my Doctor, she asked me 4 questions.  Of those 4 questions, 2 of them were about my sexual activity.  Why?  It is staggering to think about all of the health issues and risks surrounding sexual activity.
I have simplified many of humanities problems to this issue of sexual activity outside of marriage.  God created sex as a sacred sign of a covenant relationship.  It's a BIG deal. It's sacred.  What happens when we reduce it to being a physically pleasurable activity?  Where to begin? Emotional devastation, physical catastrophes, spiritual emptiness.
But, maybe the worst thing is that people will never know the sacred.
It is so lost.
They will never experience the fullness of the covenant God intended, complete with mutual trust, respect, love, intimacy, serving, and sexual satisfaction and enjoyment that connects not only two bodies, but two souls.  Because it takes sacrifice of self to enter a covenant.  And we aren't willing to do that.  We want satisfaction, not sacrifice.  We want the enjoyment of sex, not the mutual love that takes effort to achieve, sustain and nurture.
I really feel we have lost any understanding of covenant.  So, it is not a surprise that we approach everything more like a contract.
This includes our relationship with Jesus.  I agree to believe A, B and C and God agrees to let me into heaven.  Sign on the dotted line....
Contract completed.
What a bummer.
To miss out on the covenant love relationship that comes from agreeing to submit to Jesus as Lord, to love him, worship him, abide in him, trust him, discover him more more daily, grow to know him better
.  It's a beautiful journey.  And He pours unconditional love and grace all over me.  Inside, outside, smothering me with the truth about how he feels about me. Filling me with joy so deep, it goes way beyond my circumstances.  Love so pure, it's blinding!
But, unlike any contract, my covenant isn't something that is just done and signed one time.  It is a daily process.  And it can NEVER be broken, revoked, or forgotten!  It is sometimes hard and demanding and confusing and frustrating!  It is my agreement to put my SELF under the authority of Jesus.  Well, if you've never tried it, putting SELF anywhere but in control is a challenge.  It's humbling.
Again, in my willingness to make efforts to humble myself, Jesus transforms me.  He takes the parts of myself that are not meeting the mark of who I was created to be, that sinful and selfish stuff, and He transforms me.
It's a covenant with my creator.
I do nothing to earn his love.
I can do nothing to lose his love.
I have complete freedom to love Him in return.
It can never be broken.
It's sacred.
And it's a journey, not a one time contract!
This link shows some of my friends demonstrating an outward sign of the covenant they have entered with Jesus.  Pretty awesome stuff.

radical

I believe I am on my fourth year of meditating daily on the writings of Oswald Chambers in "My Utmost for His Highest".  I have tried to look at other devotionals, but I always come back to his.  It challenges me constantly.
Prompted by some of his writings, I was just thinking this morning....to be a Christian is to be RADICAL.  Period.  There really can't be a person who fully embraces the concepts and truths of Christianity without becoming radical.
Some people would describe another as "really religious"  or "really into church and stuff" or whatever.  But, when you understand what it is to be a Christian, it is an absolutely radical thing in itself.  Anyone claiming to be Christian is RADICAL.
In an effort to explain my faith in a way that others might understand, I might say things like "I believe that Jesus is the son of God and I try to model my life after Him by loving and serving others and bringing God's kingdom to earth as it is in heaven."  Nothing wrong with that.
However, that isn't REALLY the truth.
That assumes that I have some GOOD in me and have some capacity to do GOOD.
Scriptures tell me otherwise.
What I really need to express is that I believe Jesus is the son of God and He requires me to completely surrender myself and admit that I am sinful, selfish, judgemental, self righteous, and apathetic.  And, in admitting that, I invite GOD himself, in the form of the holy spirit to literally enter into me and transform me in a supernatural way.  Only then do I have the capacity to live out any GOOD for His kingdom
That is crazy.
Radical.
Supernatural.
Unexplainable.
Frankly, when people start talking this way, they sound a little bizzaro!
Because, I just went from explaining my thoughts and behaviors in a fairly rational way to admitting that I am not rational or concerned with the physical laws and understandings of the world we perceive through our 5 senses.  Rather, I started talking about the supernatural.  Once people start to talk about THAT kind of spirituality, they may sound a bit radical.
So, I find myself trying to give account for the JOY I have within me in ways that people might understand and relate with.  But, that is only a glimpse of what the real account for my JOY is!  Because the real account is the fact that the God of the universe is alive IN ME.  His Spirit is literally transforming me every single day that I submit myself.
That is some radical stuff.

quiet?

Today as I was running and listening to some tunes, and praying, and reflecting, and....wait...I thought I was supposed to have my "quiet time" with God.  Isn't it supposed to be quiet?  And, what about "Be still and know that I am God"?  How could I know He was God if I was running?
It got me thinking, for some reason, about prayer and getting to know God.
Do you ever feel like every person you talk to has a different idea about exactly how you are supposed to engage with God?  There's nothing wrong with sharing inspiration and ideas about how you have connected with God.  That's wonderful.  But, I hope we never try to advise others to seek God in exactly the same way that we do, assuming it is the best way.
If I could quickly upload a photo, I would.  But, truth is, I am too lazy.  Now that I am spoiled by pushing a button and having a picture uploaded instantly to facebook, I never want to go through the hassle of taking a picture, loading to the computer, selecting it, uploading it to this, moving it to fit....yep...lazy!
Anyways, my picture would be of a large hard cover notebook laying open with many pages filled with handwriting. Laying beside the notebook would be a large bible, as well as 3 other books piled on top of it.  That would be a snapshot of how I like to spend my daily morning time with God.  It generally involves a LOT of words.
Surprised?
Not if you know me!
Sometimes I am nudged to put all the books aside and just "be" with God.  And, sometimes I do just that.  And, it's great.
But, if I am honest, most of my time with God involves lots of words.  I love reading and gaining wisdom and insight from great writers.  And, I love praying to God using words.  I believe that He doesn't "need" all of my words.  I could simply meditate my thoughts on something and that would be sufficient.  But, when I express my heart in words, it is a better way for ME to dig deep and express and seek and ask and focus.
Have you ever evaluated how you best learn something?  For me, it is to write it down.  So, it is not surprising that I spend a lot of my time with God writing things down.  It also happens to be my preferred mode of expressing things.  Again, if you know me, you have probably received correspondence in writing from me.  I still write hand-written letters and snail mail them!
So what?
Well, I just happened to think that I hope everyone who is on a journey to get to know God is willing to pursue him in their own unique way.  Sure, be inspired by other peoples' journey.  But, don't try to hard to model your journey after theirs.  Seek your own path to God.  But, whatever you do, SEEK!  The very least that will require is your TIME.  That is a non negotiable.
But beware of following too many "models" of exactly how to spend that seeking time.  God created you.  He knows you like no one else can.  Seek him in whatever way is most pleasing and satisfying and fulfilling.  You will know you are finding your connection to him when you start to fall in love with him and eagerly anticipate your time together.  Whether it is alone in a quiet room, candlelight and instrumental music, outdoors or near a window, at the same time every day, at a new time every day, with books, without books, whatever!  Seek, ask, knock, and find!

inner circle

I was reminded of something by a wise young friend of mine yesterday.  It does matter who you choose to surround yourself with and do life with.  Your "inner circle".  Those who you spend a pretty good amount of time with or who you go deep with and they know all your stuff.
We are hard wired to live life in community.  We seek it out.  Even an introvert will seek out relationships.  We will look to others for guidance, examples, encouragement, rebuke, accountability.
So, I would say we should be thoughtful in who we choose to allow into that inner circle.  Those deeply intimate relationships.  Is the person someone you respect, aspire to emulate, have similar worldview or values?  If not, do you think you can be in a deeply intimate relationship and not risk being misled or mistreated?
Does that mean we should not associate with people who don't have the same worldview and values?  Of course not!  We should love everyone and seek out relationships with all sorts of people.  What a spectacular way to learn about the world and about people!  I love listening to people who have a different worldview.  And, even when it is frustrates me or makes me sad, I find it fascinating to learn how other people see the world.
However, I just think we need to be wise when choosing who we get really close to.
Like I said, we are wired for community.  Look at some of the successful institutions that assist people to overcome addictions and struggles.  For example, Alcoholics Anonymous or Weight Watchers.  What do both of these groups understand?  They understand that it takes community, accountability, relationships, in order to facilitate change.  If your goal is to overcome an addiction to alcohol and you choose to create an inner circle of people who have overcome this addiction and have a common goal, would you then turn around and spend most of your time with a person who drinks every day and doesn't think a thing of it and doesn't understand why you don't drink?  It's not that you would be hateful towards that person, but it would be unhealthy for you to spend time every day hanging out in that environment, right?  You might love that person deeply, but you would have to choose wisely whether that person should be in your "inner circle".
It's the same in your faith walk.  We should have people we are seeking advice, knowledge, and wisdom from.  We should have people who we admire and respect and we should be intentional about creating time with those people and being open and honest.
I was thinking about when scripture warns us not to be "unequally yoked" in marriage.  I am so grateful that my marriage has the foundation of faith in Jesus.  Why?  Because, we are both human beings who are selfish and we stumble.  We both seek our own way at times.  And, what can I expect to happen when I stumble in my life?  When I fall?  I am so thankful to know that I can expect my spouse to be there, extending grace and extending his hand to pick me back up and help me brush myself off and get back on my feet.  He does that because we share the belief that we are both sinners and can mess up and have received grace and forgiveness from God.  And, we are both honored to be able to extend that grace to each other when we need to.  We are honored to be an encouragement to each other when we need it.  What if we both stumble!?  What if we are both down?  I hate to imagine if we did not share our faith.  Because I feel like we would both be struggling to get our SELF up, no matter what.  And, what if that meant I had to step on his head to get up, even if it meant that it would push him further down?  Well, I would just have to do that!  And, he would do the same.  We would both be seeking our OWN, rather than seeking to please our creator!
I'm also thinking about some awesome friends I am blessed with.  I have many.  But, recently I spent a weekend with 3 other women and we reminisced about how we have gotten away on an annual "girls weekend" for 12 years!  Two of those women I only see once a year!  But, when we get together, we pick right up and dig right in and talk about our lives.  The cool thing is, we don't all hold the same "religious views" exactly.  We all have a different way of managing our marriages, children, careers and homes.  Yet, we have common values.  And, we are able to really encourage each other.  How priceless is it that one of us can spew out some complaints and frustrations about our spouse, and the other three listen and affirm and understand?  Inevitably, it happens that one woman feels frustrated about something in her marriage.  So, we listen.  We validate.  We affirm.  And, then....we build her husband up!  We remind her of how awesome of a guy he is and how lucky she is to have him and we point out all of the incredible things she has to be thankful for.  We do not spend one minute bashing him.  We encourage her in how she can handle situations with love and grace.  We all value marriage. We do the same when we bring up parenting issues.  And, I feel so blessed by this group of women!  We are open and honest and feel free to come with burdens.  What if this "inner circle" was a group of women who felt that if I complain about my spouse, the best way they could react was to pile even more criticism onto him and tell me I deserve better and shouldn't settle for him?  What if they were people who didn't see marriage the same way I do?  Well, my guess is that I would not have continued to carve out valuable time every year to spend the weekend together.
And, I guess that is what I am realizing.
This young friend of mine had a hard lesson to learn.  She drifted into a few relationships that did not turn out to be a good fit for an "inner circle".   One person in particular ended up having a lot of destructive power that in hindsight is much more clear than when they were spending time together every day.
If you carelessly choose or allow those deeply intimate relationships to grow, it will influence you.  We are hard wired for community.  We look to one another and need one another.  Who are you looking to?  We should aspire to love everyone, but choose wisely who we allow to influence us.

double digits

When I startedwriting this blog, I think it was because I was moving far away from so many friends and family, and this felt like a way to share a glimpse of my day to day life if they felt like checking in.  Since then, we are all on facebook, and I am able to literally share my day to day life instantly with pictures and everything.
So, this has fallen to the wayside.
When I am compelled to write, it is usually when I am contemplating something and have a lot of words in my head.
But, this time I simply felt like sharing an update.
Busy few weeks.
First of all, as the title of the post indicates....double digits!  Olivia had her 10th birthday!  We had a really fun party with some of her friends.  A backwards theme.  She had two of her friends sleep over, which was a first for her.
Her actual birthday fell on a Saturday, so we went out to dinner at a really nice Thai restaurant and then enjoyed just walking around to some stores on 5th ave (Brooklyn, not Manhattan).
Liv continues to be an absolute joy to be around.  She is crazy, hilarious, creative, and spontaneous.  We never stop laughing, and never stop saying "Liiiiv!"  when she does something careless that we didn't see coming and have to draw her attention to it so she will stop (walking into traffic, bumping into things, etc).  She is kinda busy right now doing drama club after school once a week, girls on the run twice a week, and dance classes too!  She decided that she does want to be in the Junior dance company again next year.  It's ludicrously expensive to the point where i feel horrible because we could feed starving children with that money!!!!! But, we are going to let her do it for one more year.  She worked so hard and is really disciplined and strong.  And, I feel it is so good for her.  And, Timm absolutely loves to see her dance!
Alli just went to school an hour early to participate in drama club.
She is also doing track after school once a week.
Friday she is going on a field trip to Gettysburg!
She has been such an incredibly GREAT kid.  I am so proud of her, my heart feels like it could explode.  Her teachers have good things to say about having her in class, she has shown some improvements in most of her grades, she has been putting in a lot of effort towards projects and homework.  She seems to have a least one party every weekend on the calendar!  When she doesn't, she has at least one friend here sleeping over.
I have been really busy with volunteer stuff.  It's good, but I am maxed out at the moment.  VP of the PTA at Liv's school.  Also, chair of the Fitness Committee there.  We just received a big grant to improve the schoolyard, so we have to plan for that.  And, I am coordinating a partnership between the school and a local organization to provide PE classes at the school.  We have end of the year activities coming up there, and it is literally almost daily that we have something.  I also am part of the school leadership team there.
Meanwhile, I took on co-secretary position on the pTSO at Alli's school.  Meanwhile am chairing the committee for the annual SPring Gala that is TOMORROW.  Yikes.  What did I get myself into?? Also  volunteered for field day at her school, and whatever else I can do.
Last week, I was given the opportunity to try a new way to serve my church community.  Chris and Craig asked me to try teaching on a Sunday.  Well, now that it is all said and done, I feel OK about it and I am glad it is done.  It was WAY outside my comfort zone and required a LOT more prep than I ever imagined.  And, the day I spoke, I was not feeling very good about it.  I felt like I blew it.  But, I listened to it online, and it wasn't as bad as I thought.  Especially considering it was my first try.  It certainly is a stretch for me though.  Way outside of my comfort.  If God plans to use me in that capacity in the future, He is going to have to do ALL of the work.  It is not my idea of how I'd like to serve!
So, it is time to get Liv up and off to school.
After tomorrow's gala....I wake up super early Friday morning and Timm is taking me to the airport.  Timm is the absolute, hands-down, best husband in the world.  I fly to MI to spend my girls weekend with some awesome friends in Ann Arbor!  THen, my incredible friend is taking me to my Mom and Dad's on Sunday where I get to spend two days visiting before they take me back to the airport to fly home.  Fri-Tuesday!  I'm going on VACATION!  And, I could really use a break.
SO, there. An update of what is happening.
Oh, forgot to mention that Timm has been gone every single week and back on weekends for about a month.  He is in Dayton right now.  So, I've been single parenting it.
A break does sound good.
BYE~!

If anything else is more important than love, shut up

Listening to my favorite teacher.  Greg Boyd, pastor or Woodland Hills Church and author of so many great books.  His message from 4/15/12 was "Our One Foundation"
I love the sermon all the way through because I tend to agree with him on a  theological level. He was talking about how he could describe their church, since it doesn't seem to fit exactly into any one mold.  I can relate to that.
But, towards the end, while he was doing a Q & A, I actually stopped the podcast at one point to write a few things down.  Because i just agreed with it so wholeheartedly and feel it is SO important.
He said something like this:  If you are compelled to tell someone they are wrong because YOU are right, the MOST important thing you can do is to share this humbly and in love and openness.
He then went on to quote 1 Corinthians 16:14 "Let everything you do be done in love. " And he said "The minute being RIGHT is more important to you than being loving, do the kingdom of God a favor and shut up!"
I had a great conversation the other night with a friend.  We talked a lot about who God is and whether He can be trusted and what that means.  We also talked about how some people view God as distant, absent, disappointed, or a figment of people's fantasy.
Here's what I don't understand though.  Why do people get so mad at each other about it?  Why would I, as a believer in God, get mad at an atheist for not agreeing with me?  Why would an atheist, who thinks God is a made up fantasy, get mad at me for believing otherwise?  Or, why would either of us wish the other harm?  Are we THAT attached to being RIGHT?  Has "being right" become a religion or an idol to some people?  Of course, when you believe something deeply, you feel it is right.  But, why does that turn into a need to have others agree you are right?!
Now, I can't speak for the atheist.  But, I can assume that an atheist gets fed up with self righteous people always speaking down to them in a condescending, judgemental way. Always feeling a need to prove they are right and the atheist is clearly wrong and therefore going to suffer for it. That would get irritating.
But, as a Christian, speaking down, being condescending and judgemental, or needing to prove I am right makes no sense!
When did Jesus demonstrate that as an example to me?  When did He command or suggest for me to do that?  I believe He did ask some things of me.  And, as a follower, I try to align my life the best way I can in any given moment to surrender to Him.  I try to humble myself, get my identity from Him, my purpose and value from Him, and my assignments from him.  He clearly commanded us to Love God with all our hearts, mind, strength, and soul.  He commanded us to love others as we love ourselves.  He commanded us to go and make disciples.  Did he say, go and make converts to your way of thinking and make sure they agree with every detail of your theology.  NO.  Love God. Love Others. Make disciples.
Am I doing these things?  I don't know.  I'm trying.  I can't do any of it without God's power working in and through me.  I'm worthless trying to do it out of my own strength.
But, of this I am sure!  If I am not getting it right on the Love God part, I'm going to have a really hard time loving others.  And, if I am not getting the love others part, I hope I am not trying to make disciples.

my tummy hurts

OK. Sitting here letting my tummy settle.

It's anxiety.

Deep breaths.

Ah. that's better.

A friend recently described himself as a "high capacity person". That is a true and insightful observation for him. I think it's important to be self aware and reflective. As much as I'd like to say I am also a "high capacity person" I am realizing I am not.

I am a "high energy person". I am a "high activity person". But, I don't know about "high capacity".

One of the biggest struggles of my life has been to recognize and heal my short temper. I have come a LONG way, thanks to God. I believe He has supernaturally transformed me.

However, one of the very practical factors involved in this transformation is that I have eliminated a lot from my life. I still love to be active and busy, but I do not have a high capacity for quick decision making, problem solving, multi tasking, and juggling.

So, I am acknowledging that I have a tummy ache because I am anxious. It has already faded. I can recognize signs now and reduce my load as needed before I go to "over capacity".

I think I have had a lot of up and down for my capacity. Yesterday, I:

chaired a meeting to plan a fundraising gala event - yay

met with a friend who is suffering with some horrible realities - boo

hosted a small group and had a new friend come - yay

today - some really good news via email, the kind that brings tears of joy - yay, yay, yay

worked lunchroom duty at Liv's school - yay

Got two phone calls, 3 emails while on lunch duty because of major snafu with upcoming gala event. The venue double booked! - boo

Answered or sent out about 45 emails about events happening - yay

Have an awesome night planned where my passions collide - the people I work with on PTA along with my church peeps - plus talented friends - all raising money and hanging out. I need to get up and do the welcome. - yay. Maybe i should prepare something? - boo

edited a letter I need to send to parents at liv's school asking for money - boo

made final plans for PTA dance/auction this friday at liv's school - yay

Secured donations for both kids' school auction fundraisers - yay

OK, that's enough. I did many other things too. And, I am DISGUSTED when people brag about how busy they are. That's not what I am doing at all! I am actually realizing that, I do not like it when there is too much going on. Because, in the midst of my stuff, alli is going to a Friend's, liv has an after school club, then I take her straight to dance, then straight out for night. Too busy.

That's why I am borderline obsessed about my schedule. I hate to over commit. It stresses me out. Like I said, I am high energy and high activity, but I can't handle too much that requires so much thinking, decision making, problem solving, strategizing. When it comes to those things, I am efficient, but focused and not a good at multi tasking. When I feel there are a lot of loose ends, I get a tummy ache.

So, I thank God that he has blessed me with a flexible schedule. My effort has been to love Him and to love others by using my gifts and talents, without getting over busy just because I happen to have the energy. Energy only gets me so far.

OK, that's what I needed. A little write-rest. I feel better.

And, I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was even tempted to throw something, kick something, or scream till my throat feels bad.

It's important to be self aware. To recognize strengths and constraints (timm doesn't like me to say weaknesses).

And, as we discussed in our small group last night, it's important to be comfortable in your own skin and to STOP comparing yourself to others in order to define yourself and gain worth!

more from my journal

Same theme, different day.

Every morning, I wake up and have quiet time where I rest in the presence of my creator. I praise Him and worship Him and humble myself before Him. I ask for His grace and love to wash over me and be real in my life. Basically, I spend time falling in love with Him and feeling loved in return. I usually spend time reading my devotional and/or bible and I journal my thoughts and prayers.

This is from my journal yesterday.

"Today in Luke 14:25-34 brings me back almost 5 years to my first trip to NY. Craig assigned us this reading and I had so many questions then. I remember asking...How can we truly count the cost? How can we really be prepared and be sure we have what we need? Aren't we asked the opposite? To NOT consider what we have, but rather to dive into service with nothing?

But, I learned, as you were gently teaching me, that you need everything from me. Every morsel, every fiber of my being. All of me.

14:33 "In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. "

BAM! Plain and simple. In verse 27 "Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple"

Jesus is saying that you must come to a point of understanding that following Him is not just about gain. You have to be willing to lose everything in order to gain Him. When he said this, there were "large crowds" following him. It's almost as if he stopped, turned to them, and said "Really? Do you really want to be following me?" It's like he was trying to weed out the large crowd!

Strange.

As I have struggled for years now about how much of the "good news" should be presented in an "attractional" way and how much should really be more confrontational? On the one hand, Jesus was "performing" many miracles. Quite a spectacle. Attracting lots of spectators. That seems important. THEN, he turns to them once they are drawn to His works, and He speaks the hard truth. He "weeds them out".

It seems you have to expose people first to Jesus' power, love, grace, mercy. Once that is of interest to a person, they will be ready to hear that Jesus requires complete allegiance and submission.

If you start with the submission/allegiance stuff when presenting Jesus, where is the LOVE? People need to feel attracted to, drawn to, intrigued by Jesus first. Then they have to seek him. Then they will get to know him. Then they WILL LOVE HIM. It is only then that they will obey him. "

OK, so that is an example of my journaling. Half the time I speak directly to God, half the time I just think thoughts about Him.

But, this theme of complete submission is a constant in my quiet time for years now. And, no matter how many times it comes to me, it is profound every single time. Because, we do not live this way on earth. We just don't.

Well, on a lighter note.....I have enjoyed an incredible spring break with my family. Seriously awesome. Started with a date night to Brooklyn Commune with Timm. Food so good, it's sick! Then Good Friday, then Seder dinner, then Easter sonrise service, brunch, and a great dinner here. Then we went on a road trip to Rhode Island and had a super fantastic time! See Alli's blog for a few pics. I love spending time with my girls so much, it makes me crazy. Came back in time for Liv's dance recital. I cried. She seriously made my heart crinkle and my eyes fling out tears of joy. Yep, that good. Last night, after having an impromptu soup dinner with two neighbor families here, I went out on another date with Timm to a little bar called Sunny's where they have live music. Today I get to go to another of Olivia's performances (she is in 6 all together). Tonight I am hoping to go to a swanky place in the city to meet up with a friend for her birthday. Tomorrow after church and dropping Liv off for her final shows, I get to go to the movies with my friend.

DANG! My life is too good to be true!

ask, seek, knock

Are you familiar with Luke 9:9-10? I bet you are, even if you didn't realize that was the verse. Jesus is talking to his disciples and he just told them how to pray. He gave them the Lord's Prayer. Then he tells a little story and he goes on to say:

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Who doesn't love these verses??

It is thrilling to think about asking God for something and having Jesus guarantee you will get it!

But, as I read this today, here are my thoughts.

This isn't magic. This isn't a genie in a bottle that you only call out when you have wishes to be granted. I don't think this is about asking for stuff in the way we usually think of it.

It is about seeking to know God. Asking to know God. Once you know Him you will fall in love with Him and will be compelled to worship Him. Compelled. Thrilled. Determined. To give Him all glory, honor, and authority. To offer Him all obedience and submission. To joyfully give Him reign over your life.

That's what this is about. Seek God. Ask for God. Knock on God's door. Desire for Him to reveal Himself to you. And stop there.

Simply seek Him. Not for a way to ask for your own desires. But, just to find HIM!

He will answer. He will open the door. And, when he does, simply continue to ask, seek, knock. Get to know Him more. That is the heart of prayer. Seeking God.

I don't think prayer is really about seeking answers, guidance, miracles, solutions to problems. Well, there is a place for that in prayer, and there is nothing wrong with those things. But, naturally, that is all secondary. Because, when you encounter God, when you spend time communing with Him and allowing Him to reveal Himself, your only response is to worship.

Out of that reverence and worship, your prayer can only be to serve Him and be in His will.

And, of course you delightfully share the desires of your heart with Him. You openly pour out your heart. All fears, doubts, concerns, frustrations. All hopes, desires, dreams. And, ultimately, you ask God to align your will with His. You ask for forgiveness and transformation and release from the power of all that is troubling. OF COURSE!

BUT....it all pours out of a heart of worship.

When you pray, if you pray, what are you seeking?

Are you seeking God?

Or are you skipping that part and seeking your desires?

It simply can not work that way.

Today I hope to stop everything, focus all of myself on Him and ask to know Him. That is what I want to do in my prayer time. It's not about me. It's about Him. I hope I can do this every day.

50/50

A simple thought that has been on my mind a lot lately.

I know a lot of married people. And, to me, there is hardly anything sweeter than seeing a good, strong, loving marriage.

How does a marriage like that come to be?

It must be that they have mastered the perfect 50/50 plan, right? They each give 50% and meet each other halfway on everything.

No.

That is not how a good marriage works.

For a marriage to be healthy, the spouses better be striving for the 100/100 plan.

I'll be the first to admit that I am incapable of giving 100%. I may do alright in some areas some of the time. But, I am a selfish, sinful person. I am.

But, in order to truly LOVE my husband, I try to give 100%. I never think "I will give 50% and he better meet me half way with his 50%".

Mathematically, it doesn't work.

When I am striving for 100%, I probably achieve a "B" average. Somewhere in the 80% range. So, what if I was striving for 50%? I'd maybe get to 40%. That leaves a big gap, doesn't it?

We would never meet halfway.

And, meanwhile, it is usually much easier to "grade" my spouses efforts than my own. In other words, I might feel that I met or even exceeded my 50%, but I would likely see my spouses grade a bit lower.

I guess when 1 Corinthians mentions that love "does not keep score" that was good advice.

I am just so blessed beyond my wildest expectations in my marriage. As we both strive to show our love in a 100% A+ fashion, we are serving each other before ourselves.

Being in a relationship like this really does give me a glimpse of the kind of love there must be in the relationship between Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Imagine that.

In that relationship, all they do is serve each other and love each other completely all the time in an perfect, unbreakable bond! Imagine how beautiful that is.

I believe that God created marriage as a glimpse into that kind of love.

I fall short all the time. But I am so thankful to have this relationship and the model that God set for loving and serving each other.

walking

Wouldn't it be weird if someone announced "I'm going for a walk!" And then they sat down and went about whatever they were doing, and never got up and took any steps? If someone in my family did that, I'd probably say something like "Ummm, didn't you say you were going for a walk? Why are you just sitting there?" And then what if that person replied to me "I am walking." That would be so strange.

Yet, I think this is what many of us do in our faith.

We have many cliche ways to describe what it means to "be a Christian". Some examples include "ask Jesus into my heart" "Have a personal relationship with Jesus" "put my trust in Jesus" "believe in Jesus". The list goes on and on.

But I think of it as a walk.

Hopefully, if you consider yourself a follower of Jesus, and you have accepted His gift of unconditional love and forgiveness, you have met Him. Hopefully you have had a conversation of some kind with Him that involves submitting to Him as Lord. And, hopefully, you have invited people in your life to share that exciting news with.

In my mind, I picture my baptism as a public declaration of "I'M GOING FOR A WALK!"

Once I declare that to God and others, I have a choice every day, hour and moment to either sit back and relax, or to take steps. If I have declared that I am making a choice to walk, then it would follow that I need to take STEPS.

Does this mean I am earning God's love by taking steps? NO! The love is unconditional. My steps are simply my way of honoring our relationship.

God, my mind wanders to earthly things. All the time. My physical senses are bombarded all the time with THIS world. So, every moment that I can discipline myself to remember that I am not of this world, but yours, I submit to you and bask in your unending peace and love. And I redirect my whole being under your kingdom. Each time I do that, it is a STEP.

Step.

Step.

Step.

Now I am walking. With you. That is the only way to be your follower. There is no passive way. It is an active decision all the time.

Acknowledging your presence...step.

Acknowledging your power and glory and goodness and love.....step.

Accepting your love....step.

Talking and listening to you....step.

Seeing your creation as the incredible miracle that it is....step.

Reflecting on truth....step.

Your love is unending, unstoppable, unconditional....step.

You did not come to offer condemnation, but freedom....step.

My brief time on this earth is so limited, my eternity is with you....step.

In this world, I will suffer....step.

But you promise me joy in my suffering and eternity of peace and joy....step.

You did not come to be served, but to serve....step.

I am not here to be served, but to serve....step.

I am yours....step.

Use me....step.

Fill me with your transforming spirit of love, grace, wisdom and mercy....step.

I commit Lord, to WALKING with you. I will stumble. I will fall. I will stop in my tracks. Because I am a sinner and I am living in this cloudy world that blocks the son from my view. But, I commit to abiding in you. To accepting your gifts. To take STEPS. Please be a powerful presence in my life. Remind me. Prompt me. Keep me in your light.

I think, therefore I am...

Ha, remember philosophy class Kel? I swear our professor wanted to jump out the window when he saw me coming!

It must have been a decent class, in the fact that I remember a lot of it, and I can't say that about many classes. I even remember that this was a quote from Renee Descartes (sp?).

Anyways, I was thinking about this today.

I think....therefore...I am.

Am what?

A bunch of random molecules bumping together to form random scientific reactions?

Am what?

An animal that has basic instincts and needs for survival?

Am what?

Alive?

I would add to this. I would say, I think...therefore...I am more than just physical. I am spiritual. I have the ability to think and reason and use logic. I have the desire to find purpose and truth. I have a desire to see good, a desire for justice, a desire for love and for feeling accepted.

If you would like to argue that we are simply physical material, with no creator, no purpose, and no soul...why would you even care about arguing? What would put the desire in you to even seek truth, or pursue understanding or use reason. And, how could you use reason or logic if you are simply physical material?

This is why I would also say, I think....therefore...I have faith. Some people may hold the opinion that having faith is the absence of thinking things through. Wrong. It is the opposite. It is because of my thinking and pondering and seeking and wrestling and doubting and fearing and wondering and pressing into tough questions and contemplating deep truths that I have come to faith. All of this thinking leads me to a faith in the God of the bible. But, it is not a "blind faith" that I just accept "because". No, I have explored many answers and have found this one makes the most sense to me. If others ask the same questions and come to a different answer that they feel fits, they place their faith in that. Either way it is faith. It is not proven. It is faith. I think it is an especially difficult leap of faith to put your faith in the belief that there is not a creator. Wow, that leaves a lot of unanswered questions to me. Like I mentioned, that doesn't explain to me why we have a desire for truth, justice, logic, reason, love, etc. Are there mysteries within my faith? Heck yeah! That can be frustrating, but I question anyone who has come to a faith that contains no mystery.. no questions...no issues that can't be easily explained. Are there parts of the "christian story" that are far fetched? Hard to believe? Confusing? You bet! But, did I really think I was going to seek the meaning and purpose of life and find something that holds no mystery? Something that is a no-brainer? Something simple? Something I could have come up with myself? Really? I hope that the God I am seeking has something better going on than that which I could have come up with on my own, or that I could easily understand. I hope my God is way bigger than my brain and my reasoning.

I think, therefore, I am....putting my faith in Christianity.

My Baby

My baby girl is growing up.

She traveled to the other side of the world, with a servant's heart, taking it all in stride. She told me that she heard others complaining about some of the things while she was away, and she looked at me with her brow furrowed and her shoulder slightly shrugged and said "You're in India. If you want things to be like they are in the U.S....stay in the U.S. "

Timm reported that he received compliments on Alli's maturity level and her heart.

That makes me proud.

I can't write a lot about their trip. I wasn't there. I didn't experience it. I am just feeling blessed beyond measure that OTHERS supported our family in order to send them on this trip. It overwhelms me.

If you haven't already seen it, click here to see a video Craig put together that has some highlights from their week. Also, you can click here to see the website for Impact India 360.

Today, the fact that we are in FULL swing of adolescence really hit me. Alli woke up today and did NOT want to go to school. She ended up getting a bit teary as she hugged me this morning, stating "I don't want to go. I just want to be home with you, Mom. I don't see you enough. I miss you when I'm gone all day long....etc". I realize she loves me, and she is suffering from jet lag! But, it is funny that this is the same girl who, two weeks ago, politely asked me to refrain from chaperoning the school dance because "you are always at everything Mom. I'd like to do this one thing without you if that's OK?"

First of all, it's a good thing she knows how to communicate lovingly to me. Otherwise, my feelings could be hurt. Second, it's a good thing I'm not an overly sensitive person, or my feelings could be hurt. Truth is, I know she will want to be with me less and that is normal. But, I am LOVING the fact that she is all snuggly and lovey this week after being away from me for 10 days. I'm loving every second of it. Last night, instead of doing what I could have done (clean, do dishes, etc) I asked if she wanted to snuggle up in my bed and watch something (because that is what she likes to do). Ahhh, she just wanted to snuggle...with ME.

Here we go...adolescence. We have one girl in the thick of it and one girl entering. (By the way, our second one is making a bit more of a splash with her entry, whereas Alli seemed to wade in fairly smoothly - so we shall see!). I remember a few years ago, Timm realizing with horror that there would be a strong likelihood he would end up living in a tiny shoebox with two daughters going through adolescence, while at the same time, a wife entering menopausal years. His nightmare is coming true.....

Happy Valentine's Day n stuff

Happy Valentine’s Day. I don’t think there is anything wrong with Valentine’s Day. Any time people are encouraged to show their love for others, I am firmly supportive! However, something about the “holiday” is annoying to me. I personally don’t feel I need a particular day of the year to prompt me to show love to my husband or kids. Sure, it was nice to remember my kids and get them a chocolate bar. And they did feel special this morning when they realized I had thought of them. Timm even got me a card, which was very sweet. But, the whole Valentine’s Day thing still bugs me a little bit. It just seems like another consumer driven celebration. If you REALLY love the people in your life, you should BUY them something! Whatever. I don’t know why I am so cynical about it. Silly really. Just one of those things I guess.

Pretty exciting week around the Kelly casa. Timm and Alli are making final preparations to depart for India. They will travel from New York to Amsterdam to Mumbai (then within India to final destination). Many many hours of travel. My prayer is that neither of them gets run down and sick. I also pray that they are protected, that they find a way to demonstrate the spirit of God’s grace to others, and to receive it as well. Alli is excited, nervous and curious about the trip. She already knows she will have a hard time leaving the orphans in India. She warned me that if there was a way, she would bring as many children home as we could fit in our apartment! And she hasn’t even met them yet. Oh boy. I am so thrilled that she gets to have this experience with her Daddy and her pastors and a group of Jesus followers who believe in and exhibit the sacrificial love Jesus calls us to live out. If you haven't checked it out, here is the website with more info about what Alli and Timm are a part of www.impactindia360.org.

Olivia and I will be on our own little adventure. We are going to take a road trip to Michigan while Liv has the week off from school. Yay! We get to see everyone again and take a break from the day to day routine. We are also happy to be giving a ride to a friend of ours who recently moved from MI to NYC. She is 11 years old and she is going to drive with us and spend the week visiting her family and friends in MI as well.

What else is happening? Last weekend we had a Mardi Gras dance at Liv’s school. That was a lot of fun. Alli came and brought two of her middle school friends.

I have been particularly busy lately with PTA work at Liv’s school and PTSO work at Alli’s school. All great stuff. I’m excited to be able to impact the lives of kids in the schools. But, it is funny how busy I can be when I don’t “work”. Between fundraising, executive board meetings, grant writing, committee meetings, event planning, PTA meetings, shopping for event materials, PTSO meetings, setting up, running, and cleaning up events, School Leadership Team meetings, endlessly emailing contacts to follow up on all of the plans dreamt up at meetings, etc. etc etc. I know for a fact that I work way more hours than I did at previous jobs. I am NOT complaining. I don’t have any idea how women do it who DO go to work and have demanding work schedules. Many of them STILL find the time and energy to volunteer. CRAZY!

Our church family continues to ebb and flow. We seem to welcome new faces and say goodbye to others continually. It’s hard to say goodbye to so many people. But, we just try to be thankful for the time God allowed us to be in each others’ lives. NYC is a transient city. Sometimes we struggle wondering why our community seems to stay so small, but then we cherish the ability to go deep in relationships and discipleship because we truly are able to focus on each other.

We are doing a really cool series right now in our church. It is formatted from “The Story Formed Way”. We are taking 10 weeks to break down the overarching narrative of the entire bible and breaking it into 10 smaller stories. The idea is that the bible really does give us ONE BIG story. Many people may not realize that the bible, from Genesis to Revelation, tells the story that answers our deepest questions. “Why do I exist?” “What happens after I die?” “Does my life really matter, does it have meaning? To who?” I just LOVE this process. Each week we listen to a portion or “act” of the story told to us on Sunday during our gathering. Then we have time for Q&A and just to chew on the story. Then, we are following up with even more questions in our weekly community groups. I have been loving the dialogue and questions. It has even captured the attention of Alli, Liv and Natalie who are 9, 11, and 12. They are a dynamic part of the conversation during our group. Love it. You can always take a look at what we are up to on our website www.communitasnyc.org.

I’m excited to be one of the story tellers on a Sunday coming up in the series. I don’t really like being up in front of people, but I was asked if I wanted to do it, and I couldn't’t resist. I just LOVE to talk and tell stories, so why not?!

What else? **We are hosting a "music night at the PIT" using the space where we meet on Sundays and having a few people perform, raising money for Liv's school!! YAY! **Alli had her first volleyball game! **We planned a two day get-away to Newport Rhode Island (thanks for the Marriot reward points given to us as a gift from a friend who stayed here while we were out of town!), **Timm has some interesting prospects in regards to his employment (more details will follow depending on outcome), **Liv starts an after school drama club today, **Alli hosted a dance party at our place since she was bummed to be missing her school dance while away **I just had a turkey rueben with frnech fries and cannot remember when food made me so happy. Truly delicious. **Timm ran 10 miles (which was his new year’s resolution and he did it before January ended!), and I am more in love with my husband than I ever thought possible. I thank God daily for our marriage, our health, our family, our friends, and the life God has called us to live (in His plan, not our own).

theological tolerance?

First of all, I am thrilled to have added Tim Keller's podcast to my collection this week. What an anointed teacher. Add that to the Mayes squared and Greg Boyd, and I get a weekly dose of truth and light that fills me up!

I found one sermon so gripping this week that I actually listened to it twice, and parts of it a third time. Being that Tim Keller teaches from a perspective of living in NYC, I feel he is very much in tune with the issues I personally face daily.

Tolerance. What a buzz word, right? In this particular sermon (some of which I will quote directly) Keller makes some relevant and powerful points regarding "tolerance".

What is tolerance? Does Christianity preach intolerance?

I would argue...Absolutely NOT. You have to make a distinction. If you look at the word "civil" it actually means "to be polite". So, can we be "civil" and have a "civilization"? Yes. You can show respect for people who's beliefs differ from yours. Every teaching of Jesus shows us to love and be kind to those who are different. Even enemies. Love and show civility, tolerance for people of other faiths.

What Jesus models and teaches is social tolerance. Relational tolerance. Legal tolerance, so that people are FREE to propagate and practice their religion. Listen to people. Show them love. Treat them courteously.

BUT....Jesus says that theological tolerance of all faiths is absolutely impossible. And, it's completely different. You completely muddy the water when you say that being theologically intolerant is to be socially, relationally, legally intolerant. It's not the same thing. Not at all.

Jesus does not leave theological tolerance as an option. Yet, he is the perfect example of love. So, is it possible to be theologically intolerant, yet be completely loving and civil and kind? Yes! Hello Jesus! This is exactly the example he sets. And, even people who do not follow Jesus have a difficult time finding a lot of bad stuff to say about him as a loving person. As a matter of fact, most people see him as a good moral teacher, whether or not they believe he is the son of God. Of course, that's another issue because he doesn't really leave "good moral teacher" as an option for his identity. He was either "son of God" or "megalomaniac". Because, he clearly and consistently claimed to BE God.

Keller goes on to point out....there is nothing inconsistent about debating or arguing that your faith or beliefs are right. But, what is inconsistent and makes no sense at all is to say that everyone's faith and belief is probably right and all faiths and beliefs lead to the same place. Impossible. The very idea that you believe that is to be intolerant of those who believe that their faith is the only truth. To believe all faiths lead to the same place is to be intellectually intolerant.

When you say to someone "you musn't try to convert people to your religion as if your religion is superior"....what you are really saying is..."I want you to abandon your inferior view of religious truth and take my superior view."

As soon as someone says - "all faiths lead to the same place" and someone from the Muslim faith says "No, I believe there's only one way, that that's my religion: and you say "you're wrong" What you are immediately saying is "Your road doesn't go to the same place." You are saying "My view of religion is superior to your view."

SO, to say that "All religions are relative" is a religion!!! And is it vying for superiority!

To have a Jew, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, etc...sit around and say "no, my way is the right way...." if they do it with civility...you can have a society. A civilization. And that is very consistent and rational. But to insist that no religious view of truth is superior, and by doing that, insist that your view is superior, is completely inconsistent. And, it is dangerous because you won't see it. At least every other religious proponent admits what they are doing.

Here's the thing. I hope and pray that I can be a tolerant person. A person who is civil. A person who is loving and kind and polite and respectful. A person who displays social, relational, and legal tolerance. And, I hope that the community of believers that I am a part of can embrace the same hope and prayer. But, I do not feel that I need to desire to have theological tolerance in the same way. I have the utmost respect for others who demonstrate this kind of balance. No matter what their faith. I especially appreciate it in the people who have a different faith than me. I find our conversations to be uplifting and encouraging, even if we completely disagree on our religious beliefs. It is refreshing beyond anything else when we can disagree theologically, but agree to love each other.

So, can a Christian be tolerant? I sure hope so. Can others be tolerant of Christians? I sure hope so. But, I also understand that many people have experienced Christians who are intolerant, not only theologically, but relationally as well. And, that's something that makes me so sad.

Living Water

There has been something on my mind and heart the past few weeks. That something is that I need to give a shout out to the best sister anyone could ever ask for.

I have one sister. She is older than me by 2 1/2 years (same age difference as my girls). I have always been grateful to have an older sibling to pave the way. Never have I understood people griping about being a middle child. Worked just fine in my world.

About a week ago, I called my sister just to chat. I didn't even realize at the time that I was calling her in need of something. But, later, as I reflected on our time spent on the phone, it dawned on me. I called her knowing that I could count on her to give me what I was in need of. So, as I reflected that day, I found myself creating metaphors that gave me a mental picture of what I experienced. First I pictured living out a string of gloomy grey days and the feeling of apathy I tend to get when the sun doesn't shine and morning just shuffles into mid-day and before you know it, it's dark again and daylight never really happened. And, I feel like I can count on my sister to be like that morning where I wake up after a string of grey days, and the sun is shining brightly in the sky. The sky is blue. The birds are singing. Daylight is definitely present in all it's glory. Ahhh, I just feel renewed energy to seize the day in all of it's sunny splendor. I'm not exaggerating here, this is really what I pictured when I reflected on talking to my sister!

The next image that came to mind was thirst. I am a big fan of water and I love a nice cold drink of water whenever I am thirsty. So, i was thinking of the satisfaction I felt after talking with my sister and it was like I has just run 5 miles on a humid day and I came panting into the house soaked with sweat and just so thirsty. I see there is a leftover cup of coffee from the morning that I could sip on the quench my thirst. Ewww. No thanks. I see that there is a lukewarm glass of water on the counter that I could drink. Hmmm, I guess if that's all there is. Then I realize that there is a container of cold filtered water in the refigerator, so I pour myself a big glass and start to drink it down. Ahhhhhh, that is how I felt when I called my sister.

Then it occurred to me that Jesus used a water metaphor when speaking to the Samaritan woman at the well. He said "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life." And a few chapters later in John he says "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

That is exactly why I feel refreshed when I spend time with my sister. She has that spring of living water welling up. It overflows from her in so many ways. And, anyone who knows her would agree with me! It's not that she never has a bad day or a complaint, but there is an unmistakable spring of joyfulness that flows from her life at all times and in all circumstances! And I am so blessed to have her in my life!

I also realize that Jesus is the true source for me to quench my thrist. He is the only well I can draw from to get that deep spring of water for myself. It's not that I go to my sister for that. It is just REFRESHING to have someone who is so full of that joy.

There were times in my young adult life when I not only admired my big sister, but felt quite inadequate in comparison. I would brag about her, but then make self depreciating comments about myself. I think I have matured beyond that and now realize with fascination that God created us in very different ways with very different strengths and skills and desires. And, I have also learned to compare myself less to others and more to who God created ME to be.

But, I would like to brag just a little bit. My sister is a Proverbs 31 woman. A wife of noble character. She loves and serves her family wholeheartedly. She homeschools her 5 children. She is resourceful in running her household. She clips coupons, cans and freezes her own vegetables from their garden, has fed her family healthy organic food from a food coop way before it was the hip thing to do, uses meat that was provided by her hunting boys, and plans her household meals to use everything and not waste. She teaches her children to walk humbly and to love mercy. She teaches them to give their best effort in all that they do. She serves the community, always being the first one to volunteer, whether it is at the senior home or a community event, or a church picnic. She leads and directs the homeschool coop that blesses not only her children, but SO many families in the surrounding counties. She serves and loves her parents, our parents, who I feel I have abandoned (oops, I wasn't going to say anything self depreciating!) She serves and loves her in-laws. She is always serving someone. She has opened her home and family to people who need to be loved. That's not easy to do. And, when love is not reciprocated, she doesn't dwell on that, but finds the best in people. And, all of these things, she is modeling for her children and all of their friends.

I could go on and on. I'm running out of time.

Just today, I was able to chat with my sister for a few minutes. She was explaining that she was feeling a little less enthusiastic and happy than usual. Yet, even in that admission, she was immediately able to point out 5 positive things that she could choose to focus on rather than a bit of a downer mood.

Like I said, anyone who spends time with her would agree with me. She makes a choice to drink from the well of living water, and it flows out of her. And I am so grateful to have her in my life, and in my kids' lives!

Shout out to Theresa Pankeiwicz, aka, my sister!

The tree of knowledge

Reading "Mere Christianity" by CS Lewis. Love it. Nourishment for my soul. Here are some of my thoughts.

Why do we feel this need to form an "us and them" in our minds? We classify everyone as much as we possibly can. It's our way of playing God. Eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We want to be judges. (a whole book about this is "repenting of religion by greg boyd....read it!).

So, we classify - male/female, child/adult, rich/poor, smart/not smart, fat/skinny, crazy/sound mind, attractive/unattractive, republican/democrat, liberal/conservative, stylish/out of style, outgoing/shy, fun/boring, ambitious/lazy, and of course christian/non christian. This is a particular favorite "us and them". Let's generalize all of humanity into two nice neat groups and judge accordingly. Let's see, we have this group here, which is clearly the "us" and that group which is clearly the "them".

Well, guess what? That is the root of all sin. You want to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and be the ultimate judge. Knock it off. Let God be God. And, if you consider yourself to be Christian, follower of Jesus, then you would hopefully be moving towards a better understanding of who this God is that you have placed all of your faith and trust in. This God is beyond a nice, neat, man-made formula where a person can simply look over the form and check the box for where they fit into God's plan for the universe. Hmmmm, let's see here, if I check the box next to "Christian" then I am in. Whew, That was easy, Now, if I could just get everyone else to check that same box, my life will honor God....REALLY?

Sure, as a follower of Jesus, and a believer in the God of the bible, i have a passion for spreading what I feel is good news. But, who am I to judge or even try to figure out HOW God is working in each person's life? I believe that God is creator and that He is good and that He is love and that He is the perfect image of perfect love and community. I believe that deep fulfillment and joy can be found in submitting to Him as creator and Lord. I also believe that all good things from from Him. So, who am I to turn around and feel that it is of the utmost importance that I classify every person I meet as either in or out? Us or them? Christian or non Christian? I've met many people in my life who proclaim themselves to be Christian and it is hard for me to see any reflection of God in them. But, I don't need to judge. I've met many people in my life who identify themselves as "non christian" and I see in them many reflections of God. I refuse to classify one group as knowing God and God working in them, and the other as being far from God or not used by Him.

I've always hated it when people lump me into a category and define me by it. I think this is one reason I simply can't get myself to discus politics. It seems that about one minute into a discussion, someone wants to classify everything into distinct categories. Well, I am not a democrat or a republican or a conservative or a liberal. And, within the last few years, I have seen the appeal of no longer calling myself Christian, but rather "follower of Christ". Because, calling myself a Christian suddenly lumps me in with a group of people, many of whom I see nothing I have in common with!

Well, I hope I can continue to TRY breaking down my tendency to classify people. Judge people. Assume things about people. Because, as much as it drives me crazy, I still find myself doing it. Yuck. It's that sinful nature I guess.