my tummy hurts

OK. Sitting here letting my tummy settle.

It's anxiety.

Deep breaths.

Ah. that's better.

A friend recently described himself as a "high capacity person". That is a true and insightful observation for him. I think it's important to be self aware and reflective. As much as I'd like to say I am also a "high capacity person" I am realizing I am not.

I am a "high energy person". I am a "high activity person". But, I don't know about "high capacity".

One of the biggest struggles of my life has been to recognize and heal my short temper. I have come a LONG way, thanks to God. I believe He has supernaturally transformed me.

However, one of the very practical factors involved in this transformation is that I have eliminated a lot from my life. I still love to be active and busy, but I do not have a high capacity for quick decision making, problem solving, multi tasking, and juggling.

So, I am acknowledging that I have a tummy ache because I am anxious. It has already faded. I can recognize signs now and reduce my load as needed before I go to "over capacity".

I think I have had a lot of up and down for my capacity. Yesterday, I:

chaired a meeting to plan a fundraising gala event - yay

met with a friend who is suffering with some horrible realities - boo

hosted a small group and had a new friend come - yay

today - some really good news via email, the kind that brings tears of joy - yay, yay, yay

worked lunchroom duty at Liv's school - yay

Got two phone calls, 3 emails while on lunch duty because of major snafu with upcoming gala event. The venue double booked! - boo

Answered or sent out about 45 emails about events happening - yay

Have an awesome night planned where my passions collide - the people I work with on PTA along with my church peeps - plus talented friends - all raising money and hanging out. I need to get up and do the welcome. - yay. Maybe i should prepare something? - boo

edited a letter I need to send to parents at liv's school asking for money - boo

made final plans for PTA dance/auction this friday at liv's school - yay

Secured donations for both kids' school auction fundraisers - yay

OK, that's enough. I did many other things too. And, I am DISGUSTED when people brag about how busy they are. That's not what I am doing at all! I am actually realizing that, I do not like it when there is too much going on. Because, in the midst of my stuff, alli is going to a Friend's, liv has an after school club, then I take her straight to dance, then straight out for night. Too busy.

That's why I am borderline obsessed about my schedule. I hate to over commit. It stresses me out. Like I said, I am high energy and high activity, but I can't handle too much that requires so much thinking, decision making, problem solving, strategizing. When it comes to those things, I am efficient, but focused and not a good at multi tasking. When I feel there are a lot of loose ends, I get a tummy ache.

So, I thank God that he has blessed me with a flexible schedule. My effort has been to love Him and to love others by using my gifts and talents, without getting over busy just because I happen to have the energy. Energy only gets me so far.

OK, that's what I needed. A little write-rest. I feel better.

And, I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was even tempted to throw something, kick something, or scream till my throat feels bad.

It's important to be self aware. To recognize strengths and constraints (timm doesn't like me to say weaknesses).

And, as we discussed in our small group last night, it's important to be comfortable in your own skin and to STOP comparing yourself to others in order to define yourself and gain worth!