The Appetite Grows By Eating

Wow!  Haven't posted in so long.
I was just in my bathroom and I looked at my two color-coordinated towels, as I do pretty much every time I use the bathroom.  And, as is usually my habit, I straightened out the blue towel which resides on the outer towel bar and wondered how it is that I straighten it every time I wash my hands, yet it always ends up uneven and haphazard the next time.
Anyways, my train of thought went something like this.  "I love the colors in this bathroom...I think it's my favorite room in the house when it comes to decor and colors...I love these towels...I'm so glad we have them...They were a Christmas gift from my parents a few years ago when we lived in our apartment and our nice thick towels were never drying in our tiny bathroom so we got these giant, quick-dry towels in colors that make me happy...I love that my towels match my shower curtain...I remember this summer looking for a towel to replace this blue one because we somehow ended up with some bleached out spots on this one....but I couldn't find an exact replacement and didn't want to mess up the set...but I looked...and I looked...online...in stores...how did i even find time to do that?...And why did it seem important then, but now that seems ludicrous when this towel is perfectly fine, aside from a few light spots that simply make them look like a well loved towel that gets used..."
Yes, all of those thoughts went through my head in about 5 seconds as I dried my hands.
Here is something that occurred to me.
See, we are in the middle of a family decision that will greatly affect our finances.  It's very likely that our income will be decreasing by more than half.  We trust that God is leading us and we know He will provide, so we aren't worried, but we know that the adjustment is not going to be easy.  So, it's on our minds as we move forward.
That was not the case a few months ago.  We were just getting ourselves in a position financially where we could start to anticipate a surplus and start to build up some savings.
I entitled this post "The Appetite Grows By Eating" (A quote by some random French dude) because I think it is so true!  When I was feeling like our finances allowed for me to have more, I craved more.  I had an appetite for stuff.  Since we could afford it, and my purchases are usually pretty frugal, I bought some stuff.  Comforter covers for our beds, a rug for my room, chairs for our living room.  Ok, all of these were thrift store or garage sale purchases, but that is definitely NOT the point.  The point is, the more I fed my craving, the more I noticed things that I wanted.  My appetite was growing.
We are super spoiled by our parents for Christmas.  This past year was no exception.  My parents asked what we wanted, and I had no problem coming up with a list!  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but it's interesting.  I'm a fairly content person, and I found myself seriously wanting the things on my list.
My appetite was growing because I was feeding it.
The same thing happens with food.  A few months ago, I went on a weekend retreat with a bunch of high school and middle school kids.  We were provided with three meals a day, and there was plenty of food.  However, it is my habit to eat smaller meals more frequently.  So, when I went to the meal times during this retreat, I would pile up a lot more food than usual onto my tray because I didn't want to find myself hungry a little while later, having to wait until the next scheduled mealtime.  I'm weird like that.  Anyways, I ended up eating way more than normal at every single meal.  Well, when I got home, I found that I was not satisfied with my usual breakfast of one egg on a slice of toast.  I wanted two eggs and two slices of toast.  My appetite had grown because I fed it!
So this is what occurred to me today while thinking about my towels.  I need to be very thoughtful about what appetite I am feeding.  Think about it.  As a follower of Jesus, it is my desire to know Him more and to receive His power through the holy spirit.  So, I have an appetite for MORE Jesus.  What am I doing to feed that appetite?  And, if the appetite grows by eating, then wouldn't it follow that the more of Jesus I get, the more of Him I will want?
YES!
That's exactly how it works.  Spiritual disciplines like praying, listening for the voice of God, reading scripture, praising Him,etc can sometimes feel like they take a lot of effort.  Some people get discouraged because they believe that Jesus is who He claimed to be, and they want to have a surrendered life to Him, but they find themselves neglecting that relationship day after day after day, feeling a sense of disappointment and guilt instead of fullness and peace.  I think it can take some effort at times to discipline our spirit and our body to seek God. But....I know first hand that when you feed that appetite, it GROWS!  And when you find out who God really is and you connect with Him in spirit, you can't get enough!
Jesus identified himself as the "bread of life".  He knew what he was talking about.
I heard a sermon once about feeding on Jesus.  It was so interesting.  The gist of it was this:  If you are hungry, do you want to sing about food?  Read about food?  Talk to others about food? Hear someone teach you more about food? Maybe.  But, ultimately, you want to eat the food!  And that is what Jesus talks about.  He is the bread of life.  He offers us fullness and satisfaction beyond anything we can imagine.  And, it's great if we sing about him, talk to others about him, listen to teachings about him, read about him....but...eventually we need to feed ourselves...and He is the bread that will satisfy. And once we taste this bread, our appetite will grow!
Yay.  Felt good to blab on my blog again.

Am I really a "Christian"?

In Matthew 26:52-56
Jesus is getting arrested and he knows what is coming.  He already asked God to spare him if possible.  But, he knows that isn't the plan.
Peter freaks out and tries to fight.  He pulls his sword and attacks.  That's when Jesus says "Put your sword back in it's place...for all who draw the sword will die by the sword."
See, I am absolutely fascinated by the fact that people who claim to be followers of Jesus land on certain bible verses and seem to use them as ammunition to attack and judge and criticize.  Or they seem to focus on something that justifies hurting others physically or even emotionally.
After all, Christians used the scriptures to defend slavery, prejudice, and racial segregation.
Christians have used scripture to defend war and brutality towards others.
Funny how Christians are so mortified by radical Muslims who feel called to carry out acts of "holy war" against non Muslims based on their interpretation of teachings from their holy book.
Yet, we've done exactly that throughout history - and to this day!
That's why it is difficult for me to associate myself as a "Christian".
Just as I am sure it is difficult for many peace-loving Muslims to identify themselves as having the same faith as the radical terrorists who are literally terrorizing in the name of their faith.
I don't like labels
This is a good example of why I resist being categorized or labeled.
However, I do delight in my identity as a child of God, a believer and follower of Jesus.
Anyways, back to those words from Jesus.
How is it possible to skim over that?  How is it possible to look at how Jesus "fought" and to see his humility, sacrifice, and love and then to turn around and justify hatred, condemnation, violence and oppression and do it in His name, claiming you are honoring him?!
Jesus continually modeled and taught self sacrifice, love, serving, putting others first, being generous, and being submitted to God's will regardless of the personal loss or gain.
This is the Jesus I find consistently in scripture.
Show me the political Jesus who pushes legislation and tries to change laws to force people to do things the way he thinks is best.  Show me the Jesus who oppresses people, violently attacks others to maintain his power, refuses to help the poor if it costs him his own prosperity, fears and ridicules those he sees as sinners, is threatened and hateful toward those who hold differing beliefs.  Show me that Jesus and maybe I will better understand this weird, American "Christianity" that is so prevalent.
If what I see from many Christians who hold influential and public positions in America is "Christianity", then I must assume I am not a Christian.  I do not share their world view.
That doesn't really concern me, since "Christian" is not a word that is found in scripture, nor did Jesus ever call anyone that.
So, for clarity, I prefer to identify myself as a follower of Jesus.  A disciple of His.  And I am SUPER excited about that!  For that, I would lay down my life in radical submission!  It is that identity that defines me and dictates my world view.
And, where it may bring me confusion, embarrassment, and difficulty to imagine explaining or defending "Christianity" to those who have been on the receiving end of oppression, abuse, condemnation, hate, etc.  It brings me passion and joy to share my faith in Jesus and to talk about my love for him.
I don't need to defend Christianity.

Poor Peter

Poor Peter.
He gets a bad rap in this part of the story I am reading in the gospel of Matthew.
Truth is that I have probably enjoyed reading about Peter and all the dumb things he seems to do.  When Jesus confronts him, I think "Awe, Peter got in trouble!"
I guess it feels pretty good to look down my nose and him and mutter "tsk tsk Peter.  Come on.  How can you be like that?" It makes me feel superior.
But, today I am realizing just how much worse I am than Peter.  I'm finding it hard to point the finger at him.
First Peter hears Jesus telling about how he is going to be killed and Peter responds with "NEVER! Lord, this will never happen to you!"  And what does Jesus say to his friend Peter?  He says "Get behind me Satan!"  Yikes.
I like to think:  "Gee whiz Peter, where is your faith?"
Then Jesus asks Peter to keep watch while he prays in the garden.  Of course, Peter falls asleep and Jesus says "Could you not keep watch for me for one hour?" Then it happens again and Jesus says "Are you still sleeping and resting?!"
I like to think: "Come on, Peter, you are  lazy.  Can't even stay awake for one all- nighter for Jesus?"
Next Peter pulls out a sword and believes that violence and fighting will be a good way to protect Jesus. And instead of being grateful for Peter's bravery, Jesus turns to him and says "Put that sword away!"
I like to think: "Yah, Peter, don't you know that Jesus is a pacifist?  What in the world makes you think violence is a solution?"
And then there is Peter's denial of Jesus.
That's the big one.  Our favorite.
But, here's what I am thinking.
We know the rest of the story.  Peter didn't.  He was freaking out!  He gave up his entire life to follow Jesus.  Now Jesus is captured and likely being put to death.  Jesus himself even told Peter he was going to be killed.
So, if I were Peter, I would be confused, scared, and unsure of the future.  It's likely that I would be conflicted between my love for Jesus, my trust in him, and my confusion about what the heck is happening.
Truthfully, I'm much worse than Peter.
I know the rest of the story.
I know about Jesus' triumph over death.  I know about his ultimate sacrifice of love and humility.  Yet, I consistently turn away from him in my life and turn to my own concerns.  Worry.  Vanity.  Greed and Envy.  And the list goes on and on.  Every time I turn towards one of these concerns, I turn my back on Jesus.  Sometimes subtly, other times overtly.
Jesus said I need to DENY MYSELF and take up my cross.  Often I would prefer to serve myself, and in doing so, I DENY JESUS and his cross.
Sorry Peter.  Maybe you aren't so bad after all.

Judas Iscariot and the American dream

Today I was reading in Matthew 26 about Judas betraying Jesus.
We all know the story.
He sells Jesus out for 30 pieces of silver.
It's so easy to sit here and judge him in disgust wondering how he could be sitting at a table with GOD in the flesh, as one of the chosen 12 who got to spend the most time with him, yet he dreams up a way to use it to get what he really wants!
He decides money is more valuable than the relationship he has with Jesus!
What?  How can he be so evil, so selfish, so foolish?
Wait.
Don't we all do that?
YES!
It's easy to point the finger at the lowlife Judas who is clearly a foolish, selfish, money hungry idiot.
But I would argue that I do not know one single person who couldn't be or hasn't been lured into the same trap.
We are buried so deep in this trap here in America that we can't even see the light of day to even know we are buried in it!
We have decided that we are "blessed" by stuff.  Many in the church in America have considered us "favored" by God as a nation.  How so? We are powerful and wealthy.
Really?
I never recall Jesus saying "Come, follow me and I will give you the American dream complete with a cozy home and a secure future including retirement."
That's all Judas wanted.
Think about it.  Those disciples gave up literally EVERYTHING to follow Jesus.  Their families, livelihoods, homes.  Everything.  And here Jesus is telling them that he's about to be slaughtered.
So, Judas probably figures it's gonna happen anyways - and he's going to be left with NOTHING!  Why not simply speed things up and get a little something to start over with?
He has nothing.
We cannot comprehend that.  We, as Americans, love to invite Jesus into our lives to "bless" us.  It's unthinkable that we would be homeless, without work, without family, without a known future, and we would be able to kick back and simply enjoy being in the presence of Jesus - trusting that He will guide.
But that's what we expect Judas to do.
We expect Jesus to be enough for him when we know dang well he's not enough for us.
So, today as I read about Judas, I still think he is a total fool and am disgusted by his betrayal.  But today, I'm able to see that I am that same fool.
Jesus offers me everything.  Yet, I continually pursue my own desires and just want to add him in where he conveniently fits.
I'm so deeply buried in this trap of consumerism, comfort, security, and entitlement that I even boast to Jesus when I occasionally manage to trust him or to act generously or selflessly.
As if I'm impressing him.
Ludicrous.

I am hot-headed!

Deep Breath.
It's hard for me to share sometimes because I have a tendency towards sarcasm. When I get fired up about something, it is my nature to be short tempered and loose lipped.
I don't usually want to share my thoughts because while I'm fired up because I'm not sure I am able to dialogue or even express myself lovingly.
My head literally gets hot.
I'm hot-headed!  It's not just a figurative expression!!
But, I know God created me that way.
I need God's loving grace to envelop me, so that I am able to share my burning heart in a loving way - not in a hot headed way.
Because when I wait until I cool down, it's like I have suppressed my thoughts until they are lukewarm. And I know Jesus says he could spit that right out.  He would rather have me hot or cold.
On that note...I did wait a day before expressing my thoughts.
Yesterday I was listening, as my usual weekly habit, to my Greg Boyd sermon from Woodland Hills Church.  They are doing a series on the book of Revelation.
I was on the treadmill while listening.  And that's a good thing.  Because I was getting so pumped up!
If I'm honest, the flame that was being stoked was the issue that arose this week regarding World Vision and their decision to employ someone which caused others to stop supporting their organization.  That was the underlying, flickering flame.  I was trying not to stoke it into an inferno that would drive me to breathe fire of judgment and condemnation on people!
So, even though this sermon didn't have anything directly to do with this issue, I could clearly tell the issue was like kindling waiting to be inflamed.
Anywho.
Here is a link to the sermon.
Here is a brief description of the topic. There are so many people in love with their own theology and I wish they would listen to this.

In our contemporary Christianity, there is a pervasive view that God acts violently during the end times. But this view stands in contradiction to the Cross and Jesus’ teachings to love our neighbors. In this sermon, Greg shows how God does not act violently in Revelation and instead shows how lamb-like love wins.

Today, I wrote this to Jesus in my journal.  Cuz that's what I do.
Jesus, thank you for teaching that illuminates.  Because otherwise, I would throw it all out!
I simply am NOT interested in a "religion" of judgement, condemnation, guilt, finger pointing, self righteousness, greed, violence and hate.
Nor am I interested in a "religion" of apathy, tradition, rituals, canned answers, pointless rules, or hypocrisy.
I choose to believe in you, Lord.
To believe.  To put my trust in you.  My very life.
Because, as I understand you and your word, that is my only option.
If I could count on myself and my own judgement, my own righteousness, my own understanding - what would I need YOU for?
If I have it all figured out, then I have no need for surrender, humility, or loving my enemies.
Why would I bother with that when I can have control, certainty, all the answers, and the justification to then judge and condemn those who don't?
Ah.  That's easier.  At least that way I am in control.
If I actually put YOU in control, completely, then I don't get to be the accuser.  I am only your servant.
But, I choose you, Jesus.
And, what is it that YOU commanded of me?
Love God
Love Others
Go and make disciples
OK.
Got it.
What else?
What do YOU suggest I do?
turn the other cheek
forgive
love my enemies
love those who persecute me
be the light of the world
be known for my love
give to the needy
pray
store up treasure in heaven
put others first and myself last
serve others
OK.
And what is it that YOU advise me not to do?
worry
criticize others
judge others
retaliate
lie or break vows
lust
divorce
hold on to anger
look down on others
exalt myself
be a hypocrite
try to figure out the time of your return
reject you.
OK.
Seems pretty clear.
It's so crystal clear and that's why I get so dang annoyed when people hate, judge, criticize, retaliate, and hold on to anger in YOUR NAME! They want to claim it is somehow honoring to you?!
What?  When?  Where?  How?
How did we ever come up with the idea that any of that is OK, let alone glorifying to You?
In the garden I guess.  When we decided you weren't trustworthy and we could be like you.  SO, now we get to judge, condemn, exalt ourselves, and be like God.
What religion is THAT?
Jesus, I'm yours.
I will surrender to you and gladly submit to your commands and suggestions for living a life that honors you.
I will fall short.
Because I am not you.
I am a sinner who NEEDS you.
And when I become self righteous and decide you aren't enough and when I become selfish and decide my ways are better for me, I will STOP and start over.
And when I see others who seem to be carrying out all kinds of action you advised against - and doing it in YOUR name - I will humbly bow before YOU and ask you to help me love them.
Because I don't know how.
Only through your grace can I love.
Transform me.
You never commissioned me to judge, condemn, or ridicule.  You called me to love, point to you, be a disciple, and make disciples.
And to that I am eternally committed.

What? I'm a self righteous jerk?

It's all quite simple.  Not easy, but simple.
Bear with me if you'd like to hear how I am a self righteous jerk.
Here's the thing.  Jesus wants ALL of you.  In complete surrender to him, your JOY can be complete.  He can miraculously transform pain into peace and even joy.  Out of that peace and joy it is only natural to then desire to continue surrendering to him as Lord.  Boss.  Leader.
Once you taste the sweetness of his grace (undeserved love), you eagerly turn to him and ask how you can serve him, know him, bring him glory, and bring others closer to what you have with him.  It's an overflow of love!
Love received.  Love that transforms and transcends.  Love that fills you so completely, it pours out!
It's radical.
You want to give up every thing that is not pleasing to your Lord, because you don't want anything to get in the way of this amazing love relationship.
 It's so fulfilling and real, you know you found the real deal and don't have to keep seeking fulfillment with stuff you were before.  Like relationships with other people, approval, achievement, status, security, fun or just numbing yourself with overindulgence, overwork, until you feel temporarily filled and satisfied.
With Jesus, it isn't temporary!  It doesn't fade away.  It never does.  It is a love so deep and real and trustworthy that there isn't any other love to compare it to.  It's undeserved, unearned, unchangeable, and never ending.
So, even though you can't lose it by slacking off and choosing things that don't honor Jesus, you never want to purposely do that because you bask in his crazy love for you and want nothing more than to somehow give some of that love back to him.
So you ask how?
And all he says is to trust him.  To love him.  To do his will.  To love other people, rather than judging and hating them.  To become his disciple by seeking to know him and be more like him, then to make more disciples who make more disciples who will seek him and love him and love others.
PERFECT, RIGHT?
Nope.  No matter my good intentions, I mess up.  I'm selfish, judging, self indulgent, self righteous.  And, I'd love to say it's only occasional, but it is daily!  UGH!
So, every day I humble myself before my perfect Jesus, admit my yuck, ask him to forgive me and transform me.
And, there he is!
He waits for me to acknowledge my yuck, he comforts me with that undeserved love which is grace.  And, if I welcome him to do so, he challenges me towards action.  Sometimes small, other times big.
And I love spending time with him just mulling that over.  Questioning if he thinks I'm capable of what he asks.  Finding out that he does believe I am capable.  Doubting myself.  Doubting him.  Over thinking.  Getting frustrated.  Sometimes walking away from Him, sometimes trusting and surrendering.
But the crazy cool thing is, HE NEVER CHANGES.
Never ever ever.
But I do!  Somehow, through this, some of the things I struggle with and confess become things I leave behind.  Sometimes they lose their hold on me completely and I find I don't even have a desire for them.  Most times it's more subtle.  But, I change!
I become more like him!
SQUEEEEEEL!
Are you kidding?  More like Jesus?  ME?!?  That is my dream come true!
And it is my dream for every living soul!
If I ever express this crazy love of mine in a way that is self righteous, judgemental, unloving or just plain stupid, please blame me and not Jesus.
He's perfect and unchanging and so dang awesome.
IF you get to know him, I guarantee you will be smitten like I am.
It's just that us fanatics who love Jesus are flawed and human.  In our excitement to spread this crazy love, we seem to do strange things like judge others, or argue to a point where others understand that we believe being RIGHT is more important than being LOVING.
I personally had to spend a good chunk of time with Jesus today talking about how unloving I feel towards other people who claim to trust, love and follow him, but act like self righteous jerks!
Man!  Nothing gets me more frustrated, pumped up, and ready for a rumble!
That's when I saw his face smiling at me.
I'm like "What?!"  (those of you who know me, you know my sassy tone)
And I realized that I am a self righteous jerk too, and I'm no better than anyone else, and I need to stop pointing the finger and just hang out with Jesus and love.
He calmed my fighting thoughts.
He calmly suggested that I hand over my plan to attack and belittle and shoot down a fellow believer who I have issues with.
Ohh, it's hard.  I have lots of great ammo and the energy to attack.
But, that's just stupid.  Thanks for the reminder Jesus.  It scares me to think of what I would do without you!

It's just not fair!

Reading my bible this morning.
I have been in the habit of reading one section from the Old Testament, followed by a section from the New Testament daily.  It helps me to keep an overarching theme to what I read.
Today I had these thoughts.
If it's "fair" I'm looking for, I guess I won't exactly find it in the bible.
WOW!  What a desire for justice I have in my heart.  But do I really want justice?  For me?  Or would I prefer grace and mercy for myself?
Reading Genesis 28:10-22 about God blessing Jacob.  Well, not only did Jacob trick his Dad Issac and betray his brother Esau, but even in this passage, he basically tells God he will do what he is being called to do...IF....God provides protection and provision for his journey.  He doesn't appear to simply obey.  There are contingencies.
Then I flip to Matthew 14.  John the Baptist is in prison.  And he does not appear to be resisting or anything. Here he is, a servant, a prophet who spent his entire life being misunderstood and persecuted while remaining obedient to his Father God.  And what happens?  Herod chops his head off and his disciples drag his headless body to be buried somewhere.
Fair?  Not at all!
Why do I  feel things should be fair?  I read these two contrasting stories and can't help but think Jacob deserved the beheading more than John the Baptist.
And, it's so matter-of-fact in the way the event of the beheading is told.  There is no perspective from the prison cell.  What must John have been thinking??  Did he feel betrayed?  Jesus was walking around healing people, performing miracles, and John is locked up in prison.  Where was Jesus?  Why didn't he go and rescue John?  Why?  What's fair about that?  Doesn't even make sense.  Aren't the good guys supposed to win?  Why does Herod win this one?
That's the thing.  The bible is not a book of happy stories.   It's not a book filled with stories about the good guys winning.  It's crazy and messed up and unpredictable and often disappointing and confusing.
Just like the world we live in!
Part of me doesn't like reading the bible.  It's true.  I find myself confused and disappointed because it seems so random.  Sometimes I see radical mercy and grace, other times I see radical judgement, and often times I see what appears to be arbitrary events that do not align with any specific law or reason.
Again, sounds a lot like life!  The world we live in.
I guess it's good that the bible reflects the actual world we live in, rather than a fairy tale.
But, it can be disturbing.
Here's what I think today.  I want to see justice.  I want to see the bad guys getting paid back for their wrongs.  And I want to see the good guys getting the rewards they deserve.
But, the kingdom of God is often upside down!
After all, if I really want justice, then I would get eternal separation from God because I simply can't overcome my sinful nature and be "good enough" for him.  So, I would be getting my just penalty of separation from God, if all were "just".
Instead, God offers grace.  An undeserved gift to me.  I can't be "good enough" to deserve it.  I can't.  It is simply His love offering.  And, if I want this gift for myself, I need to be willing to accept that this gift is extended to everyone.  Good guys, and bad guys.
And, I need to let go of some of the things that appear inconsistent and random when it comes to justice. God's plan is bigger than mine.
I can't figure it all out.
It may not seem like things aren't "fair".
And they aren't.
Because if things were "fair" we would all be damned and destroyed.  That's what we deserve.
And I believe that evil is at work and contributes to the apparent randomness of many events.
I will choose to believe Romans 8:28 "And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the GOOD of those who love him..."
Yep, I said I will CHOOSE to believe this.  That's what it boils down to.  A choice.  Faith.  I do believe that God can and will work ALL THINGS for good.  That doesn't mean I think all things are good.  No, this world is crawling with evil and we all have free will.  But, God can work good out of anything.
And that's just not fair!  Which, I have to admit, is fine with me.