Poor Peter

Poor Peter.
He gets a bad rap in this part of the story I am reading in the gospel of Matthew.
Truth is that I have probably enjoyed reading about Peter and all the dumb things he seems to do.  When Jesus confronts him, I think "Awe, Peter got in trouble!"
I guess it feels pretty good to look down my nose and him and mutter "tsk tsk Peter.  Come on.  How can you be like that?" It makes me feel superior.
But, today I am realizing just how much worse I am than Peter.  I'm finding it hard to point the finger at him.
First Peter hears Jesus telling about how he is going to be killed and Peter responds with "NEVER! Lord, this will never happen to you!"  And what does Jesus say to his friend Peter?  He says "Get behind me Satan!"  Yikes.
I like to think:  "Gee whiz Peter, where is your faith?"
Then Jesus asks Peter to keep watch while he prays in the garden.  Of course, Peter falls asleep and Jesus says "Could you not keep watch for me for one hour?" Then it happens again and Jesus says "Are you still sleeping and resting?!"
I like to think: "Come on, Peter, you are  lazy.  Can't even stay awake for one all- nighter for Jesus?"
Next Peter pulls out a sword and believes that violence and fighting will be a good way to protect Jesus. And instead of being grateful for Peter's bravery, Jesus turns to him and says "Put that sword away!"
I like to think: "Yah, Peter, don't you know that Jesus is a pacifist?  What in the world makes you think violence is a solution?"
And then there is Peter's denial of Jesus.
That's the big one.  Our favorite.
But, here's what I am thinking.
We know the rest of the story.  Peter didn't.  He was freaking out!  He gave up his entire life to follow Jesus.  Now Jesus is captured and likely being put to death.  Jesus himself even told Peter he was going to be killed.
So, if I were Peter, I would be confused, scared, and unsure of the future.  It's likely that I would be conflicted between my love for Jesus, my trust in him, and my confusion about what the heck is happening.
Truthfully, I'm much worse than Peter.
I know the rest of the story.
I know about Jesus' triumph over death.  I know about his ultimate sacrifice of love and humility.  Yet, I consistently turn away from him in my life and turn to my own concerns.  Worry.  Vanity.  Greed and Envy.  And the list goes on and on.  Every time I turn towards one of these concerns, I turn my back on Jesus.  Sometimes subtly, other times overtly.
Jesus said I need to DENY MYSELF and take up my cross.  Often I would prefer to serve myself, and in doing so, I DENY JESUS and his cross.
Sorry Peter.  Maybe you aren't so bad after all.