I haven't posted in a while. Been a bit funky. Typical January blahs mixed with Timm being gone, kids being sick, and a few other variables. I'm not sad, but just haven't felt hugely inspired.
Have been enjoying listening to Woodland Hills messages, as usual. Boyd has been talking about wrestling with God. Ahh, permission to wrestle. Love it. Just what I needed. Because, my nature is to wrestle. If my brother read this, he would comment in agreement. We spent so many of our hours as kids just wrestling. It went something like this: I'd start a fight with him by aggravating him and provoking him in every way possible, he would engage, I would laugh and run and eventually fight, we'd claw at each other and wrestle all over until he started to dominate, at which point I would scream "Mooooooooooom!" and then I'd tell on him when, in actuality, I had started the whole thing. I didn't realize this pattern until I reflected on it later in life and clearly determined that our wrestling stopped when he surpassed me in size and strength and could easily kick my butt. Hmmmm? coincidence? I think not.
ANYWAYS, I love that God wants me to wrestle with him. And, there are times when I am ready, on the mat, wearing my ridiculous stretchy suit thing....OK, get the visual? LET'S GO!
And, with perfect timing, we are having a "forum" on Sunday morning at church. Questions and answers. And, I have questions.
Let me be clear, I have faith. That is something I have committed to. I am committed to this journey with God and I am fully engaged in it. But, that doesn't mean I will not continue to have questions. That is just my nature. Again, if my childhood teachers read this, they would concur. I was that ANNOYING kid in class who had to ask "why?" 50 times before moving on. And, I was never completely satisfied with the answers, but eventually I'd let it rest. Then, Kel will testify to my insatiable appetite for argument during Philosophy 101 at SC4. UGH! It was maddening. "I think, therefore I am....." Don't even get me started.
As a matter of fact, philosophers are the reason I am known to favor the phrase "that's a bunch of crap..." cuz I sincerely get tired of all the stupid thought processes.
Anyways, you can see why I haven't blogged in a while. Too many thoughts and words flopping around my cranium.
I don't think I'm going to voice some of my questions right now. I'm just so glad that God loves me, questions and all. He doesn't ask me to get everything figured out and THEN place faith in Him. Nope. He asks me to place faith in him and come to him with all of my questions, doubts, fears, concerns, and....crap. Yep, in my world, God says crap.
And, here is one thing he is asking me to do and I am wrestling with....."drop the agenda and love." OK, I don't feel like I have an agenda. But, I do. And I am really struggling with myself. How do I sincerely drop my agenda of "bringing people to Christ" if I so badly want everyone to know the joy and peace and contentment and everlasting life that I know?!?! Well, I am wrestling with that, but I can say, if I am loving people for the sake of LOVING them, and I am not ashamed of the hope I have and I am not selecting who I will love based on their beliefs or trajectory in life....I am starting to get it a little bit. I have been reading the gospels over and over to learn about Jesus and how he lived. That is my ultimate goal. To become more and more like him. He loved so completely. Yet, he was such a rebel. He did not have a problem letting the pharisees know what he thought about their "religion" and he did not have a problem hanging out with prostitutes and tax collectors. He also did not have a problem speaking the hard truth to those who asked for it. Even if that meant that they walked away from him when they found out the cost of following him. He didn't try to make his message more appealing to them. But, he did all of that in LOVE.
Anyways, I will try to be more focused in the future when I sit down to post. But, I am often unable to really discipline my train of thought. Good thing God doesn't mind my tangential rambling....my journal is literally FILLED with it.
1 comment:
You would not have been so memorable to me if it wasn't for your obvious struggle with what we were studying, besides it was a bunch of crap and you were just brave enough to say that.
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