I think, therefore I am...

Ha, remember philosophy class Kel? I swear our professor wanted to jump out the window when he saw me coming!

It must have been a decent class, in the fact that I remember a lot of it, and I can't say that about many classes. I even remember that this was a quote from Renee Descartes (sp?).

Anyways, I was thinking about this today.

I think....therefore...I am.

Am what?

A bunch of random molecules bumping together to form random scientific reactions?

Am what?

An animal that has basic instincts and needs for survival?

Am what?

Alive?

I would add to this. I would say, I think...therefore...I am more than just physical. I am spiritual. I have the ability to think and reason and use logic. I have the desire to find purpose and truth. I have a desire to see good, a desire for justice, a desire for love and for feeling accepted.

If you would like to argue that we are simply physical material, with no creator, no purpose, and no soul...why would you even care about arguing? What would put the desire in you to even seek truth, or pursue understanding or use reason. And, how could you use reason or logic if you are simply physical material?

This is why I would also say, I think....therefore...I have faith. Some people may hold the opinion that having faith is the absence of thinking things through. Wrong. It is the opposite. It is because of my thinking and pondering and seeking and wrestling and doubting and fearing and wondering and pressing into tough questions and contemplating deep truths that I have come to faith. All of this thinking leads me to a faith in the God of the bible. But, it is not a "blind faith" that I just accept "because". No, I have explored many answers and have found this one makes the most sense to me. If others ask the same questions and come to a different answer that they feel fits, they place their faith in that. Either way it is faith. It is not proven. It is faith. I think it is an especially difficult leap of faith to put your faith in the belief that there is not a creator. Wow, that leaves a lot of unanswered questions to me. Like I mentioned, that doesn't explain to me why we have a desire for truth, justice, logic, reason, love, etc. Are there mysteries within my faith? Heck yeah! That can be frustrating, but I question anyone who has come to a faith that contains no mystery.. no questions...no issues that can't be easily explained. Are there parts of the "christian story" that are far fetched? Hard to believe? Confusing? You bet! But, did I really think I was going to seek the meaning and purpose of life and find something that holds no mystery? Something that is a no-brainer? Something simple? Something I could have come up with myself? Really? I hope that the God I am seeking has something better going on than that which I could have come up with on my own, or that I could easily understand. I hope my God is way bigger than my brain and my reasoning.

I think, therefore, I am....putting my faith in Christianity.

My Baby

My baby girl is growing up.

She traveled to the other side of the world, with a servant's heart, taking it all in stride. She told me that she heard others complaining about some of the things while she was away, and she looked at me with her brow furrowed and her shoulder slightly shrugged and said "You're in India. If you want things to be like they are in the U.S....stay in the U.S. "

Timm reported that he received compliments on Alli's maturity level and her heart.

That makes me proud.

I can't write a lot about their trip. I wasn't there. I didn't experience it. I am just feeling blessed beyond measure that OTHERS supported our family in order to send them on this trip. It overwhelms me.

If you haven't already seen it, click here to see a video Craig put together that has some highlights from their week. Also, you can click here to see the website for Impact India 360.

Today, the fact that we are in FULL swing of adolescence really hit me. Alli woke up today and did NOT want to go to school. She ended up getting a bit teary as she hugged me this morning, stating "I don't want to go. I just want to be home with you, Mom. I don't see you enough. I miss you when I'm gone all day long....etc". I realize she loves me, and she is suffering from jet lag! But, it is funny that this is the same girl who, two weeks ago, politely asked me to refrain from chaperoning the school dance because "you are always at everything Mom. I'd like to do this one thing without you if that's OK?"

First of all, it's a good thing she knows how to communicate lovingly to me. Otherwise, my feelings could be hurt. Second, it's a good thing I'm not an overly sensitive person, or my feelings could be hurt. Truth is, I know she will want to be with me less and that is normal. But, I am LOVING the fact that she is all snuggly and lovey this week after being away from me for 10 days. I'm loving every second of it. Last night, instead of doing what I could have done (clean, do dishes, etc) I asked if she wanted to snuggle up in my bed and watch something (because that is what she likes to do). Ahhh, she just wanted to snuggle...with ME.

Here we go...adolescence. We have one girl in the thick of it and one girl entering. (By the way, our second one is making a bit more of a splash with her entry, whereas Alli seemed to wade in fairly smoothly - so we shall see!). I remember a few years ago, Timm realizing with horror that there would be a strong likelihood he would end up living in a tiny shoebox with two daughters going through adolescence, while at the same time, a wife entering menopausal years. His nightmare is coming true.....

Happy Valentine's Day n stuff

Happy Valentine’s Day. I don’t think there is anything wrong with Valentine’s Day. Any time people are encouraged to show their love for others, I am firmly supportive! However, something about the “holiday” is annoying to me. I personally don’t feel I need a particular day of the year to prompt me to show love to my husband or kids. Sure, it was nice to remember my kids and get them a chocolate bar. And they did feel special this morning when they realized I had thought of them. Timm even got me a card, which was very sweet. But, the whole Valentine’s Day thing still bugs me a little bit. It just seems like another consumer driven celebration. If you REALLY love the people in your life, you should BUY them something! Whatever. I don’t know why I am so cynical about it. Silly really. Just one of those things I guess.

Pretty exciting week around the Kelly casa. Timm and Alli are making final preparations to depart for India. They will travel from New York to Amsterdam to Mumbai (then within India to final destination). Many many hours of travel. My prayer is that neither of them gets run down and sick. I also pray that they are protected, that they find a way to demonstrate the spirit of God’s grace to others, and to receive it as well. Alli is excited, nervous and curious about the trip. She already knows she will have a hard time leaving the orphans in India. She warned me that if there was a way, she would bring as many children home as we could fit in our apartment! And she hasn’t even met them yet. Oh boy. I am so thrilled that she gets to have this experience with her Daddy and her pastors and a group of Jesus followers who believe in and exhibit the sacrificial love Jesus calls us to live out. If you haven't checked it out, here is the website with more info about what Alli and Timm are a part of www.impactindia360.org.

Olivia and I will be on our own little adventure. We are going to take a road trip to Michigan while Liv has the week off from school. Yay! We get to see everyone again and take a break from the day to day routine. We are also happy to be giving a ride to a friend of ours who recently moved from MI to NYC. She is 11 years old and she is going to drive with us and spend the week visiting her family and friends in MI as well.

What else is happening? Last weekend we had a Mardi Gras dance at Liv’s school. That was a lot of fun. Alli came and brought two of her middle school friends.

I have been particularly busy lately with PTA work at Liv’s school and PTSO work at Alli’s school. All great stuff. I’m excited to be able to impact the lives of kids in the schools. But, it is funny how busy I can be when I don’t “work”. Between fundraising, executive board meetings, grant writing, committee meetings, event planning, PTA meetings, shopping for event materials, PTSO meetings, setting up, running, and cleaning up events, School Leadership Team meetings, endlessly emailing contacts to follow up on all of the plans dreamt up at meetings, etc. etc etc. I know for a fact that I work way more hours than I did at previous jobs. I am NOT complaining. I don’t have any idea how women do it who DO go to work and have demanding work schedules. Many of them STILL find the time and energy to volunteer. CRAZY!

Our church family continues to ebb and flow. We seem to welcome new faces and say goodbye to others continually. It’s hard to say goodbye to so many people. But, we just try to be thankful for the time God allowed us to be in each others’ lives. NYC is a transient city. Sometimes we struggle wondering why our community seems to stay so small, but then we cherish the ability to go deep in relationships and discipleship because we truly are able to focus on each other.

We are doing a really cool series right now in our church. It is formatted from “The Story Formed Way”. We are taking 10 weeks to break down the overarching narrative of the entire bible and breaking it into 10 smaller stories. The idea is that the bible really does give us ONE BIG story. Many people may not realize that the bible, from Genesis to Revelation, tells the story that answers our deepest questions. “Why do I exist?” “What happens after I die?” “Does my life really matter, does it have meaning? To who?” I just LOVE this process. Each week we listen to a portion or “act” of the story told to us on Sunday during our gathering. Then we have time for Q&A and just to chew on the story. Then, we are following up with even more questions in our weekly community groups. I have been loving the dialogue and questions. It has even captured the attention of Alli, Liv and Natalie who are 9, 11, and 12. They are a dynamic part of the conversation during our group. Love it. You can always take a look at what we are up to on our website www.communitasnyc.org.

I’m excited to be one of the story tellers on a Sunday coming up in the series. I don’t really like being up in front of people, but I was asked if I wanted to do it, and I couldn't’t resist. I just LOVE to talk and tell stories, so why not?!

What else? **We are hosting a "music night at the PIT" using the space where we meet on Sundays and having a few people perform, raising money for Liv's school!! YAY! **Alli had her first volleyball game! **We planned a two day get-away to Newport Rhode Island (thanks for the Marriot reward points given to us as a gift from a friend who stayed here while we were out of town!), **Timm has some interesting prospects in regards to his employment (more details will follow depending on outcome), **Liv starts an after school drama club today, **Alli hosted a dance party at our place since she was bummed to be missing her school dance while away **I just had a turkey rueben with frnech fries and cannot remember when food made me so happy. Truly delicious. **Timm ran 10 miles (which was his new year’s resolution and he did it before January ended!), and I am more in love with my husband than I ever thought possible. I thank God daily for our marriage, our health, our family, our friends, and the life God has called us to live (in His plan, not our own).

theological tolerance?

First of all, I am thrilled to have added Tim Keller's podcast to my collection this week. What an anointed teacher. Add that to the Mayes squared and Greg Boyd, and I get a weekly dose of truth and light that fills me up!

I found one sermon so gripping this week that I actually listened to it twice, and parts of it a third time. Being that Tim Keller teaches from a perspective of living in NYC, I feel he is very much in tune with the issues I personally face daily.

Tolerance. What a buzz word, right? In this particular sermon (some of which I will quote directly) Keller makes some relevant and powerful points regarding "tolerance".

What is tolerance? Does Christianity preach intolerance?

I would argue...Absolutely NOT. You have to make a distinction. If you look at the word "civil" it actually means "to be polite". So, can we be "civil" and have a "civilization"? Yes. You can show respect for people who's beliefs differ from yours. Every teaching of Jesus shows us to love and be kind to those who are different. Even enemies. Love and show civility, tolerance for people of other faiths.

What Jesus models and teaches is social tolerance. Relational tolerance. Legal tolerance, so that people are FREE to propagate and practice their religion. Listen to people. Show them love. Treat them courteously.

BUT....Jesus says that theological tolerance of all faiths is absolutely impossible. And, it's completely different. You completely muddy the water when you say that being theologically intolerant is to be socially, relationally, legally intolerant. It's not the same thing. Not at all.

Jesus does not leave theological tolerance as an option. Yet, he is the perfect example of love. So, is it possible to be theologically intolerant, yet be completely loving and civil and kind? Yes! Hello Jesus! This is exactly the example he sets. And, even people who do not follow Jesus have a difficult time finding a lot of bad stuff to say about him as a loving person. As a matter of fact, most people see him as a good moral teacher, whether or not they believe he is the son of God. Of course, that's another issue because he doesn't really leave "good moral teacher" as an option for his identity. He was either "son of God" or "megalomaniac". Because, he clearly and consistently claimed to BE God.

Keller goes on to point out....there is nothing inconsistent about debating or arguing that your faith or beliefs are right. But, what is inconsistent and makes no sense at all is to say that everyone's faith and belief is probably right and all faiths and beliefs lead to the same place. Impossible. The very idea that you believe that is to be intolerant of those who believe that their faith is the only truth. To believe all faiths lead to the same place is to be intellectually intolerant.

When you say to someone "you musn't try to convert people to your religion as if your religion is superior"....what you are really saying is..."I want you to abandon your inferior view of religious truth and take my superior view."

As soon as someone says - "all faiths lead to the same place" and someone from the Muslim faith says "No, I believe there's only one way, that that's my religion: and you say "you're wrong" What you are immediately saying is "Your road doesn't go to the same place." You are saying "My view of religion is superior to your view."

SO, to say that "All religions are relative" is a religion!!! And is it vying for superiority!

To have a Jew, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, etc...sit around and say "no, my way is the right way...." if they do it with civility...you can have a society. A civilization. And that is very consistent and rational. But to insist that no religious view of truth is superior, and by doing that, insist that your view is superior, is completely inconsistent. And, it is dangerous because you won't see it. At least every other religious proponent admits what they are doing.

Here's the thing. I hope and pray that I can be a tolerant person. A person who is civil. A person who is loving and kind and polite and respectful. A person who displays social, relational, and legal tolerance. And, I hope that the community of believers that I am a part of can embrace the same hope and prayer. But, I do not feel that I need to desire to have theological tolerance in the same way. I have the utmost respect for others who demonstrate this kind of balance. No matter what their faith. I especially appreciate it in the people who have a different faith than me. I find our conversations to be uplifting and encouraging, even if we completely disagree on our religious beliefs. It is refreshing beyond anything else when we can disagree theologically, but agree to love each other.

So, can a Christian be tolerant? I sure hope so. Can others be tolerant of Christians? I sure hope so. But, I also understand that many people have experienced Christians who are intolerant, not only theologically, but relationally as well. And, that's something that makes me so sad.

Living Water

There has been something on my mind and heart the past few weeks. That something is that I need to give a shout out to the best sister anyone could ever ask for.

I have one sister. She is older than me by 2 1/2 years (same age difference as my girls). I have always been grateful to have an older sibling to pave the way. Never have I understood people griping about being a middle child. Worked just fine in my world.

About a week ago, I called my sister just to chat. I didn't even realize at the time that I was calling her in need of something. But, later, as I reflected on our time spent on the phone, it dawned on me. I called her knowing that I could count on her to give me what I was in need of. So, as I reflected that day, I found myself creating metaphors that gave me a mental picture of what I experienced. First I pictured living out a string of gloomy grey days and the feeling of apathy I tend to get when the sun doesn't shine and morning just shuffles into mid-day and before you know it, it's dark again and daylight never really happened. And, I feel like I can count on my sister to be like that morning where I wake up after a string of grey days, and the sun is shining brightly in the sky. The sky is blue. The birds are singing. Daylight is definitely present in all it's glory. Ahhh, I just feel renewed energy to seize the day in all of it's sunny splendor. I'm not exaggerating here, this is really what I pictured when I reflected on talking to my sister!

The next image that came to mind was thirst. I am a big fan of water and I love a nice cold drink of water whenever I am thirsty. So, i was thinking of the satisfaction I felt after talking with my sister and it was like I has just run 5 miles on a humid day and I came panting into the house soaked with sweat and just so thirsty. I see there is a leftover cup of coffee from the morning that I could sip on the quench my thirst. Ewww. No thanks. I see that there is a lukewarm glass of water on the counter that I could drink. Hmmm, I guess if that's all there is. Then I realize that there is a container of cold filtered water in the refigerator, so I pour myself a big glass and start to drink it down. Ahhhhhh, that is how I felt when I called my sister.

Then it occurred to me that Jesus used a water metaphor when speaking to the Samaritan woman at the well. He said "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life." And a few chapters later in John he says "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

That is exactly why I feel refreshed when I spend time with my sister. She has that spring of living water welling up. It overflows from her in so many ways. And, anyone who knows her would agree with me! It's not that she never has a bad day or a complaint, but there is an unmistakable spring of joyfulness that flows from her life at all times and in all circumstances! And I am so blessed to have her in my life!

I also realize that Jesus is the true source for me to quench my thrist. He is the only well I can draw from to get that deep spring of water for myself. It's not that I go to my sister for that. It is just REFRESHING to have someone who is so full of that joy.

There were times in my young adult life when I not only admired my big sister, but felt quite inadequate in comparison. I would brag about her, but then make self depreciating comments about myself. I think I have matured beyond that and now realize with fascination that God created us in very different ways with very different strengths and skills and desires. And, I have also learned to compare myself less to others and more to who God created ME to be.

But, I would like to brag just a little bit. My sister is a Proverbs 31 woman. A wife of noble character. She loves and serves her family wholeheartedly. She homeschools her 5 children. She is resourceful in running her household. She clips coupons, cans and freezes her own vegetables from their garden, has fed her family healthy organic food from a food coop way before it was the hip thing to do, uses meat that was provided by her hunting boys, and plans her household meals to use everything and not waste. She teaches her children to walk humbly and to love mercy. She teaches them to give their best effort in all that they do. She serves the community, always being the first one to volunteer, whether it is at the senior home or a community event, or a church picnic. She leads and directs the homeschool coop that blesses not only her children, but SO many families in the surrounding counties. She serves and loves her parents, our parents, who I feel I have abandoned (oops, I wasn't going to say anything self depreciating!) She serves and loves her in-laws. She is always serving someone. She has opened her home and family to people who need to be loved. That's not easy to do. And, when love is not reciprocated, she doesn't dwell on that, but finds the best in people. And, all of these things, she is modeling for her children and all of their friends.

I could go on and on. I'm running out of time.

Just today, I was able to chat with my sister for a few minutes. She was explaining that she was feeling a little less enthusiastic and happy than usual. Yet, even in that admission, she was immediately able to point out 5 positive things that she could choose to focus on rather than a bit of a downer mood.

Like I said, anyone who spends time with her would agree with me. She makes a choice to drink from the well of living water, and it flows out of her. And I am so grateful to have her in my life, and in my kids' lives!

Shout out to Theresa Pankeiwicz, aka, my sister!

The tree of knowledge

Reading "Mere Christianity" by CS Lewis. Love it. Nourishment for my soul. Here are some of my thoughts.

Why do we feel this need to form an "us and them" in our minds? We classify everyone as much as we possibly can. It's our way of playing God. Eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We want to be judges. (a whole book about this is "repenting of religion by greg boyd....read it!).

So, we classify - male/female, child/adult, rich/poor, smart/not smart, fat/skinny, crazy/sound mind, attractive/unattractive, republican/democrat, liberal/conservative, stylish/out of style, outgoing/shy, fun/boring, ambitious/lazy, and of course christian/non christian. This is a particular favorite "us and them". Let's generalize all of humanity into two nice neat groups and judge accordingly. Let's see, we have this group here, which is clearly the "us" and that group which is clearly the "them".

Well, guess what? That is the root of all sin. You want to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and be the ultimate judge. Knock it off. Let God be God. And, if you consider yourself to be Christian, follower of Jesus, then you would hopefully be moving towards a better understanding of who this God is that you have placed all of your faith and trust in. This God is beyond a nice, neat, man-made formula where a person can simply look over the form and check the box for where they fit into God's plan for the universe. Hmmmm, let's see here, if I check the box next to "Christian" then I am in. Whew, That was easy, Now, if I could just get everyone else to check that same box, my life will honor God....REALLY?

Sure, as a follower of Jesus, and a believer in the God of the bible, i have a passion for spreading what I feel is good news. But, who am I to judge or even try to figure out HOW God is working in each person's life? I believe that God is creator and that He is good and that He is love and that He is the perfect image of perfect love and community. I believe that deep fulfillment and joy can be found in submitting to Him as creator and Lord. I also believe that all good things from from Him. So, who am I to turn around and feel that it is of the utmost importance that I classify every person I meet as either in or out? Us or them? Christian or non Christian? I've met many people in my life who proclaim themselves to be Christian and it is hard for me to see any reflection of God in them. But, I don't need to judge. I've met many people in my life who identify themselves as "non christian" and I see in them many reflections of God. I refuse to classify one group as knowing God and God working in them, and the other as being far from God or not used by Him.

I've always hated it when people lump me into a category and define me by it. I think this is one reason I simply can't get myself to discus politics. It seems that about one minute into a discussion, someone wants to classify everything into distinct categories. Well, I am not a democrat or a republican or a conservative or a liberal. And, within the last few years, I have seen the appeal of no longer calling myself Christian, but rather "follower of Christ". Because, calling myself a Christian suddenly lumps me in with a group of people, many of whom I see nothing I have in common with!

Well, I hope I can continue to TRY breaking down my tendency to classify people. Judge people. Assume things about people. Because, as much as it drives me crazy, I still find myself doing it. Yuck. It's that sinful nature I guess.

Dear 16 year old self...

Maybe you've seen the video clip entitled "Dear 16 year old self..."? It's about the dangers of skin cancer and it's worth a watch. Grown ups who have developed skin cancer are recorded warning their 16 year old selves of what NOT to do.

Just got done with a great run on the treadmill. Yep, I'm a fair weather runner. Don't like temps below the mid 30's a whole lot.

I think my most treasured discovery of the last few years has to be Pandora radio. As I reflect on the evolution of my musical intake....records, radio, cassette, cd, satellite radio, ipod, podcasts, pandora. Each modality grew exponentially more enjoyable! What could possibly be next for me to enjoy?

Anyways, today I set the pandora station to "80's workout". And, I couldn't help but formulate my own version of "Dear 16 year old self" as I listened to some tunes that I haven't heard in a long time.

While listening to Michael Jackson's "Beat it" I reminisced about my cheerleading days, doing a pom pom routine to that song.

Dear 11 year old self, Michael Jackson is pretty awesome and does in fact end up being legendary, if a bit crazy. But, you can quit arguing with your mom about who is more influential in the history of music, Michael or Elvis. It's really not worth arguing about. One will forever hold the title of "The king" the other "The king of pop".

While listening to 38 special "I just wanna use your love" (or was that cheap trick?) I thought about how young I was when I started drinking.

Dear 15 year old self, there is so much excitement out there in the world. I know you have a lot of energy and enthusiasm and sense of adventure, but trust me when I tell you that adding drinking to every mundane activity is not the solution to your boredom! You are worth so much more than wasting all of that time and energy. God created you for a purpose and if you want an adventure, roll up your sleeves and serve others who are outside of your little bubble of an existence! Find a mission team and sign up for some work that will impact people. Play sports and don't quit teams just because you want more hours at work to fund your drinking money for the weekends! It's all a dead end.

Listening to Debbie Gibson's "I think we're alone now".

Dear 17 year old self, Debbie Gibson isn't a very great singer. You probably know 5 people right now who could do what she does. And, please stop saying you love her song, it's a remake you idiot!

Listening to "Walk this way" by Aerosmith.

Dear 16 year old self, you are going to regret arguing with your friends about which version of "walk this way" is better. Although you want to stay true to your glam rock roots, Run DMC is kicken and the song they do together is fricken awesome and you know it.

Listening to Guns N Roses "Sweet Child O'Mine". Thinking of how many times we played that cassette in the bottle room at Kroger and in the car while cruisin backroads.

Dear 16 year old self, really? Are you really being who you want to be? Don't you have higher aspirations? Why don't you have any dreams or goals or hopes for the future? Let me tell you something...stealing is always wrong. Always. It doesn't matter if it's a bag of chips, or someones trust. Don't steal. Someday you will hold trustworthiness as one of the highest virtues. Be a person who is trustworthy in ALL things. Knock off the stupid crap. Be honest with people all the time.

Dear 16 year old self, don't dress immodestly for attention. What are you trying to prove? You aren't even comfortable with that and you know it, so don't do it.

Dear 16 year old self, you may think your parents are boring? Well, quit your complaining. Believe me, you would not want to trade your parents for anyone else's. They love you, are stable and predictable and care a ton about you. In the future, you will realize that friends coveted your families' stability.

Dear 16 year old self, keep setting standards for yourself and stick to them. When you set boundaries and stick to them, your friends are watching and you are being a positive influence on them. They will tell you later about your positive influence. But, for crying out loud, set higher standards would you?

Dear teenage self, you are so lucky you get to go to so many concerts. Don't get drunk for all of them! You will treasure the memories and what the heck long term memory will there be if you can hardly remember it the next day?

Dear teenage self, would you believe that your 40 year old self could kick your teenage butt? I know for a fact I could out run you. Why don't you realize your natural athletic abilities and push yourself? Quit smoking and drinking, and you could run so dang fast. And, you can work when you are older, play sports now and put some effort into it.

Dear teenage self, There really is a God and not only does He love you, but He can not wait for you to hang out with him. Don't get discouraged by hypocritical people or institutions. That isn't God. God is good. God is available any time. Turn to him, turn to the bible, find some trusted people who can help you grow closer to Him. I know you don't really feel excited about growing into an adult. It all looks pretty boring. And, being close to God might look boring too. Nope. Your life will be full and adventurous and meaningful if you surrender it to God. Life is only boring and mundane if you choose to avoid risk and choose to always stay on the most predictable and least resistant path. That isn't truly living, and you know it. So, take risks. Be bold. Be adventurous. Live life to the fullest. And don't try to hold on to your life. Let it go in service to God and others. Give it away. That is truly living!