addiction

For a long time, I would pray part of Psalm 139 "Search me Oh God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

I would pray that because I really, truly do want God to reveal my deep and hidden sin. I don't want anything to separate me from the joy of God's love. Sin does just that. It separates us.

But, when I pray this and mean it, the results are always painful. I DO NOT like to focus on my areas of sin. Ohhhh, I resist it. Because once it is revealed, then I have to deal with it. Yech.

So, I was chatting on the phone with my sister this week (which was very nice and we need to do more often by the way). As I was inquiring about how each person was doing, she reported how busy my 17 year old nephew is. She rattled off his insanely busy schedule and added a couple of things he has had to decline for sheer lack of time in his week.

I found myself sighing heavily and saying "oh...I miss that. I miss being busy like that." Then something popped out of my mouth that I know is true but I don't think I ever spoke it aloud. I said "That's my drug. Being busy. It numbs me. It feels so good. I can just focus on the next thing, constantly in motion, never having to slow down and be in the moment, never having to really stop and THINK because there just isn't time. "

Our conversation went on from there and we both grew tired and called it a night. But, the words I had spoken kept rattling around my head. I have an addiction. And it pulls at me every day. It screams out to me to be fed! It's gotten a bit muted since I haven't indulged it as much recently. But, it's still there.

It's strange because it would never look like a bad thing from the outside. And, in and of itself, it is not a bad thing. But, I know that when I take time to commune with my creator, he has convicted me of this addiction. He has revealed to me how I use it to numb myself and avoid Him and what He might be calling me to do.

It manifests itself in most areas of my life. I love exercise. But, I love to RUN. The faster the better. I know the benefit of other types of exercise and I have disciplined myself to participate in some. But, when it comes to something like yoga? Forget it. That is torture to me. Slowing down, holding a position, focusing on breathing. UGH! Just the thought of it makes me want to get up and run away right now.

Well, God has blessed me with a husband who has helped me gain a little bit of balance in this area. And, as I have been on a journey to follow Jesus and surrender my life to Him, I have slowly been transformed in this area. But it is still a struggle and a temptation. I'm often questioning God about how He wants me to use my time. Although I often clearly "hear" Him asking me to not over-schedule, to be available, to slow down, to practice being fully present in the moment, to graciously accept His love and to pour that love out in all that I do....even though I hear that, I resist. I come to him at least once a week with a new proposition of how I think I could be using my time differently. Good thing He is so patient with me.

I love my life. I am so madly in love with my God and so FULL of His grace and truth and love. I can guarantee I could not be having that same experience if I were doing things my way - giving in to my addiction and living life comfortably numb. No thanks.

Thanks God for searching me, knowing me, and leading me.

September in the city

Sharing some good times.

The Sunday of Labor Day weekend we went to a cyclones game. Liv made a sign and cheered. Alli got a foul ball.

Labor Day was a really cool day. This was our thirdLabor Day as Brooklynites and we planned to go to the beach, as we had the last two years. Only, this time we got to celebrate something special. About 20 people from our church community came out to be a part of our first baptism celebration. We baptized two of my friends. It was a windy day and the waves were so rough! And we were getting blasted in the face by sand! I could use that excuse for my tears. But, really I had lots of tears of joy for my friends.

Here is a video of the Baptism.

Then the girls started school last week. Alli 7th grade, Liv 4th grade. We are right in the middle, walking distance, four blocks to Liv's school and four to Alli's. God is good to us. Everyone around here says "WOW!!!! You are SO LUCKY!"

This past weekend Alli had a few freinds sleep over Friday night. Here hey are eating whipped cream right out of the can. Oh boy, they sound like 7th grade girls for sure.

Saturday we had our block party. It was so great to meet our neighbors and just enjoy the day. Playing, eating, drinking. Kids running wild in the street with skateboards, scooters, fire hydrant spewing water all over. There is a lot of neighborhood pride on our block and it feels so cool. We really had a good chance to talk with the folks who have been here for 10, 20, 30 years. We also had fun with the newbies and made some new friends. Good times. We feel incredibly blessed that God led us right to this block to live.

As it got dark, we were able to see the beams of light rising into the sky from the sight of 9/11. The following day would be the 10 year anniversary. It was a very strange feeling being here on that anniversary. Surrounded by people who lived through it and knew people who were killed that day.

We had a time of sharing on Sunday at our church gathering. Here is Craig's Blog if you care to read some of his thoughts.

All weekend, I enjoyed seeing pictures on facebook or picture mail of my niece enjoying her reign on the court of the Richmond Good Old Days back in Michigan. It would have been really nice to share that time with family. My nephew made his debut driving the John Deere in the big parade. So thankful to have instant pictures available! That is so neat! Makes it a lot easier to be far away.

Timm is working mostly from home. He loves his new position. He is working hard and we are praying that this position is long term for him. So, if you feel like praying for us, we'd love support in that prayer.

No I will add a few photos!

King of Awkward Moments

Yesterday I was listening to a friend's album, amazed at his talent by the way! One of his songs is entitled "King of Awkward Moments". At the same time, I found myself reflecting on a chance encounter from the day before that had left me in serious contemplation. And, I put the two together....God really is the King of awkward moments. He is IN all of our moments, if we will just have the eyes to see him. I'll share my awkward moment in the best way I can put it into words.

We were enjoying our "Grand Finale" of summer fun as a family. We went to Luna Park at Coney Island. I was having a great time watching the JOY on my kids' faces as they experienced the thrill of all the rides. At the same time, I was feeling an "awkward" sense of guilt. Here we were, unloading the $$ for two wristbands so our girls could experience 4 hours of having their bodies whipped around in various ways against the physics of nature. Then we were reaching back into our pockets to fork out the $$ for ridiculously over priced snacks. We wrapped up the evening with a fairly affordable dinner at subway ($5 footlongs rule). But, we added a whopping dessert bill at coldstone creamery. So, I sometimes stop and think about how much time and $$ we spend pursuing leisure....fun...enjoyment. I can't help it. I'm one of those people who can't help bu think about "the starving kids in Africa" every time we indulge in something. But, that isn't even the point of my story.

I was sitting on a bench, the girls were on a ride, and Timm was catching some shade nearby. I was enjoying watching the people. And, it was obvious that people watching at this amusement park was a different experience from Cedar Point where we go each summer. This crowd was very diverse. So interesting to see all of the different cultural and ethic clothing, behavior, language, etc. I heard the woman next to me say something. I wasn't sure what she said, so I turned to her and nodded and smiled. She said something else, clearly speaking to me, but again, due to her thick accent, I wasn't sure what she said, so I smiled in response. So then she politely asks "do you speak no English?" I responded, "Oh! No, I'm sorry. I do speak English." And we began a conversation.

Although this beautiful young woman shared her name with me, and I even repeated it, I cannot even pretend to have any idea how to pronounce or spell it. She had dark skin, long black hair, and traditional ornate "Indian" clothing with her whole body covered in layers of gorgeous fabric. During our 20-30 minute conversation, as she fed her infant son, I was convicted, inspired, and moved. Yet, in a sense, it was an "awkward moment". In that short time, she shared with me that it was a day of celebration for her and her family who are Muslim. They were celebrating the end of their fasting month of Ramadan. She told me in her broken English, with a big smile, about their practice of fasting for 30 days from 4am - 8pm. I asked some questions about it and she was happy to share. She told me that they try to focus on "no bad things, no lying, only good things" during the fast. We talked about motherhood and how it changes us as women. She told me she just moved from Pakistan a few years before. She told me about her marriage and how "In her religion" and "In her country" the parents choose a spouse for their children. She said that parents have more wisdom and life experience in order to help direct their kids into a good relationship. We talked about our neighborhood and families. She asked me at one point whether I had married my husband before we had our kids? She was not at all asking in a judgemental way, but out of honest curiosity. She said that most of the people she meets do not "do it in that order" here. She said she was glad for our kids that we "did it that way". I told her that our family is of the Christian faith and we hold strong Christian values to guide our choices. I told her that I hope to be able to teach my girls to hold these values, even though they are pulled by the world to turn away. She just waved her hand and shook her head and said "No. No. You are their mother. They will follow you in your ways. They will. They will do whatever YOU do." She said it so matter-of-fact. Like I should have no concern whatsoever that my girls would turn away from the faith, values, or standards that our family holds.

Anyways, like I said, we chatted for 20-30 minutes. And, here is the awkward part. There are many who would say that I should encounter this person with sadness. Sadness that she doesn't know Jesus and truth. Sadness that she won't "get into heaven". Sadness that her religion is wrong and mine is right.

But, that is not what I felt. I was so encouraged by this sweet young woman. By her strong family values, her love for her home country, her religion, and life itself. She convicted me. She was the one who reached out to talk to me. I did not pursue her. She tried three times to start a conversation. I only heard the broken English and saw the obvious differences and assumed she wasn't talking to me! She was so enthusiastic about her faith. She wasn't ashamed. And, being that it is approaching the 10 year anniversary of the terrorist attacks of 9/11, any Muslim in NYC could easily feel a bit ashamed to be identified as Muslim, right? She convicted me that sometimes I am "ashamed" of my faith because of the few people who wrongly represent my faith. Those who are unloving, judgemental, hypocritical, and self righteous. I hate the thought of being thrown into a category with "them". But, why? That is NOT what MY faith represents. And, that is not how i feel. So, why would I be ashamed?

And I was convicted by her open and excited sharing about the traditions of their faith, including fasting. What a truly disciplined and beautiful practice. During the past month, as I have indulged in summer fun, eating out, having bar-b-ques, eating ice cream, drinking beer, pursuing amusement and fun....many people in her faith have been observing this fast every single day. Not just one day. Not two. But...30. And to see her face light up as she talked about it was so inspiring.

She inspired and encouraged me about my girls needing my example. She inspired and encouraged me to be strong and bold in my faith, yet loving and accepting of others. She never made me feel that my faith was wrong. She listened and smiled and accepted me. All I was able to see was our common ground, and the good in her, and the good she brought out in me. How could someone say that I should feel the need to "convert" her? In my opinion, all good things come from God. And, in my opinion, God used her to encourage, inspire and convict me.

That can get "awkward". Everyone has an opinion about what we should be doing as followers of Jesus to spread his Good News. Is it enough to simply enjoy a conversation and find common ground? Or am I supposed to try to change this person to "my" way? I don't really want you opinions on this, just a rhetorical question.

Wish we could ALL do a better job of finding common ground with others, loving them, and humbly accepting them for who they are.

spiritual food

I like food. A lot.

I have had occasion where I have practiced the discipline of fasting from food. It has been at times when I felt God prompting me to humble myself and remember that there is more to this world than just the physical. There is a spiritual realm and sometimes my physical self is so loud and demanding and "in the way" that I don't seem to hear my spiritual self. So, I have found that fasting from food gives me an opportunity to tell my loud, demanding physical self to SHUT UP and take NO for an answer for a while while I focus on my spiritual self.

This morning in my devotional, I was challenged to think about prayer as my spiritual food. Prayer isn't just a time to come before God and ask Him for things. It is my time to nourish Jesus who lives in me. Without that time of prayer, the spirit within me is starving.

And I wonder if I truly ever FEEL my spirit crying out in hunger like I do when I am physically hungry?

When I am feasting on a daily abundance of prayer and time with God, my spirit is full. Full of peace and joy and contentment. And, yes, when I don't feed my spirit, I do feel it. I find that the more time I spend feeding my spirit, the more I crave it. The louder that spiritual self becomes. The more tuned in I am to truth and to the promptings I believe are from God, the more I feel like life makes sense and I have hope.

It amazes me that so many people genuinely crave that spiritual food, but they neglect to really seek it out and satisfy their appetite. Can you imagine if you were physically hungry and kept asking people for advice on how to satiate the hunger, yet every time someone recommended that you spend some time eating, you say you tried that, but you just don't have time for it?

So, I hope I can remember to feed my spirit. Not just once a day. Not just a quick "thanks" before I eat. Not just to beg for help when I'm at my wits end. But, to really feed on God throughout every day of my life.

Because, as I noted in my journal this morning, I am so connected to God during my quiet time with him in the morning. During that time I feel so alive and the moment feels so sacred. But my challenge is to keep that holy, sacred perspective throughout my day. To keep my eyes open to opportunities to love, to demonstrate grace and mercy and compassion. One way I can be more focused is to continue to feed my spirit. Day and night.

I need spiritual food.

Finding God in unexpected places

This summer I came across this book I had read once before, but am happy to be reading it again. It is "Finding God in Unexpected Places" by Phillip Yancey.

Last night, as I laid in bed waiting for Hurricane Irene to blow my roof off, I was reading the Chapter entitled "The Wall Comes Tumbling Down" referring to the Berlin Wall.

I read:

"...In East Germany, one of the few Eastern European countries with a Protestant majority, for forty years the church sought ways to serve the "city of God" while living in an officially atheistic "city of the world". Since many avenues (such as television and radio) were closed, early on the church adopted a commitment to care for the neediest members of society, especially the profoundly disabled. And they met together regularly for worship and prayer.

Although Jesus spoke of a "kingdom that is within you," throughout history the church has faced constant temptation to form alliances with external centers of power. The US church faces just that temptation today, with its emphasis on politics rather than spirituality. Yet, in a nation like East Germany under Communism, that possibility did not exist. Christians there had no "power base" as such, none but the power of love and prayer."

OK, that is just a tiny excerpt. But is resonates so deeply with me. Forgive me for generalizing here, but I must say that the church of the US really gets on my nerves. If some of the people who claim to love Jesus would just quit trying to get into a position of POWER and instead find the POWER of loving and serving others with compassion, humility, kindness and love! The power of the kingdom of Jesus has nothing to do with politics. It is the power of grace and love and serving. Unfortunately, many will never see that power. Because so many followers of Christ spend all of their time, energy, and voice condemning and judging and fighting at the political levels instead of loving, accepting, extending grace and shining the light of Jesus to actual people in need.

When did Jesus ever command his followers to "go out and judge others...." or to "go out and make laws for people to follow...."

No! Jesus commanded his followers to Love God and Love others. He also commanded us to make disciples.

If you are a follower of Jesus Christ, how are you reflecting His love to others? I'm not saying I am good at it myself, but it is my hope and prayer that our family, and our church community is a light of hope and a refuge for all. Pointing the finger and making judgements on others is not a way to reflect light. Nor is it a way to transform hearts that are broken and hurting and in need of repair. And, making laws that we think will force people to do the right thing? That doesn't transform hearts either. The only way I believe that a heart can be transformed is the power of love. And I believe that Jesus offers that love. That power.

I know that there are a lot of amazing people who are humbly serving others and living in a way that reflects the love of Jesus. And I also know that the media loves to focus more on the negative, destructive, ugly side of things. So, we are much more likely to hear about the nasty and ugly side of the church in our country. But, I really hope that more people who claim to be followers of Jesus will let go of their faith in nationalism and politics and embrace the faith that Jesus modeled for us.

pathetic.

It really does seem pathetic sometiemes...this life of a Mom. First I am completely independent and fearful of bringing a child into my life who depends on me. Then, just as expected, I fall so deeply in love with my child that my head swirls and I encounter a new level of reality here on earth. Then, life moves so quickly. Sleepless nights. Milestones reached and passed. Another baby who provides another glimpse of how BIG love can be and how much love can be held in one human heart. And, more quickly, life spins. Potty training. Teaching. Laughing. Crying. Encouraging. Baby talk. Toddling. Learning to ride a bike. Learning about love. Learning about disappointment and discipline. Juggling work, scheduled activities, family time, serving others, down time. School days. How can they be gone so many hours of the day? Who is influencing them? Shaping them? Molding them? Did I do enough preliminary training to ward off the lies and worldly influences they will encounter? Is there still a chance to have an influence on their hearts?

And now, a new era. At once joyful and heartbreaking. My baby is old enough to "babysit". It started with brief stints of time having her stay home with her little sister. That grew into a few opportunities to stay home for a longer stretch of time while we went out for an evening. And, let me say, this has been so amazing. I can now say "Hey girls, I'm going for a run, be back in about 45 minutes." And, off I go! Freedom that has subsided to a distant memory has been thrust back into my reality. FREEDOM! Yet, it doesn't feel like the independence and freedom I had 12 years ago. There is at once a feeling of elation and appreciation for this renewed freedom, and at the same time a nagging feeling of dread that the time I have cherished with my sweet girls is no longer what it once was. Especially with my tween. It is natural and necessary for her begin craving more time with peers and in her own pursuits.

But, when my girls are not with me....I miss them. A lot. THey bring me such joy. And I feel such an intense and consuming drive to use every single moment as a "teachable moment" with them so that I am confident they are going out into the world equipped with what they need to make good choices and be true servants of God. Well, let's face it, I can't be like that every moment or I am a real drag. I have to just enjoy what we have, accept what is next, and continue to train their hearts and souls as we go along.

Alli put a shout out to friends and neighbors that she is ready to start doing some babysitting. Of course, she got 5 responses immediately saying that they can't wait to have her! Meanwhile, she has had some get togethers this week with her friends, and they have ventured off on their own to the park and for walks, and to the soda shop. Just them. No Mommies. And, what is pathetic? It made this pathetic mom feel really really sad. I don't want to give her up to others! Selfishly, I want her to say "No mom, I'm not ready to babysit! I'm not ready to go out with my friends. I just want to be home with you and the rest of my family becuase it is so great here and I want as much time here as possible!" But, truth is, she is just as independent as her mom. She's ready to go out into the world. And, I am so proud of her because she is a really good girl. She has shown amazing character and strength and integrity. And it really is thrilling to see her experience her independence and to test her boundaries and to discover her own steps.

So, this pathetic mom will unabashadly smother her girlies with love, affection, snuggles, praise, instruction, guidance, acceptance, truth, and encouragement. At the same time, I will establish those boundaries and challenge them to believe that they can expect more and better from themselves than they are currently seeing. They can always be growing to be more Christ-like in their character. They can, through the grace and power of God, achieve AMAZING things beyond their own capacity! If they are only striving for "their best" that is a shame. Their best is never enough. That is an endless, tiring, treadmill of effort. They need to believe and embrace that they can only submit their own efforts to God and let HIM do HIS BEST through them. That is when they will see incredible things happen in their lives!

Being a mom is a blessing I ever could have imagined. Thank you God.

It's summer

Well, it's summer time. Blessed and amazed and just wanted to check in to say hi.

I have had so much happen, that I can't begin to update this blog on all our happenings.

I can say, we made it to MI and enjoyed a wedding with Timm's family, time with both families all week of the 4th of July, DJ's grad party, time with friends, camping with Carlson's, Cedar Point, trip with Timm to Mt. Pleasant (with a pitstop at the outlet mall), surprise party for Kelly's 40th, and now the girls are at Springhill camp and Timm and I are in Grand Rapids. He's working, I am being a sloth. I leave today to drive to Rose City for some QT with my Carrie!!!!!!

So, that sums it up in one paragraph.

I feel I am being molded by the surrounding culture and find myself more inclined to post an update on facebook than to update this blog. I even got a new fancy phone that takes amazing photos which I can easily upload with one touch to facebook. How do I get them to this blog? No idea.

But, I have trouble tweeting. I'll be honest. I just have too many "characters" in my tweets. I've shard this before, I'll share it again...it takes me a lot of word to express my thoughts. I'm not succinct enough to tweet. But, perhaps being immersed in the tweeting culture, I too will learn to limit my rambling thoughts to a mere 140 characters?

Until then, I will still occassionally come here to ramble,.

But, I honestly don't have much to post.

My kids are away at camp and it is just about the freakiest thing to not have any communication with them all week! I have left them for stretches of time with family. And, it was strange when we were in Mexico and our communication was limited. But, this week, I have ZERO opportunities to ask how it's going!

I'm praying for them constantly and asking God to pour out His holy spirit on my sweet young ladies. I pray for them to feel drawn closer to Him than ever before and experience the freshness of falling in love with him all over again.

I am spending many hours praising God. He has blessed me beyond measure. Not sure why. I am completely undeserving. His grace is absolutely astonishing.