Questioning Everything

Sometimes I feel like such a contrarian.  I don't actively oppose everything, but I sure do question everything. 
So, fair warning if you read any of my posts.  The way I seem to learn and grow is by wrestling, arguing, doubting, questioning, pushing.
I journal every day and for some reason I feel a nudge to share some journal entries here.
Usually my jounaling is just my conversations with God.

January 28:  Started reading the 40 day prayer challenge.  I have to be honest.  The whole concept of praying can rub me the wrong way.  I even bristle at the idea of circling something in prayer.  Because you know my heart and you are good and you want good for each person.  Why would you be waiting for me to articulate to you my heart's desires before you act on something?
That's weird.
But, I also know it's a defense mechanism that I've leaned on my entire life - don't get my hopes up too much and I won't be as disappointed if things don't go as I hoped.  And I also think about the many people who will starve to death today, or die from lack of clean water, or from disease.  I think about horrible accidents that leave loved ones brain injured, paralyzed, or dead.  I think of random catastrophic events like a parent losing a child to drowning or to violence.  I think of mass shooters or accidental gun shots.  Am I to believe prayer would somehow change your plans for "allowing" all of this horrible tragedy?
So, yah.  I have some hang-ups about prayer.  But, I do know and believe that drawing close to you daily and aligning my life with the flow of your spirit rather than my own desires can lead to amazing things.  I do trust that you guide and that you want to bring good and that you can reveal things to me that I would never see on my own.
For that reason, I believe in daily meditation.  Aligning my spirit with yours.  Surrendering.  Trusting.  Saying yes to promptings in my spirit. Your plans are much better than mine.  Greater.  So, I do understand prayer in that way.  But I struggle to understand my own persistent prayer for something obvious.  Like, of course I want my kids protected.  Of course I want healing and hope for my friends who are suffering.  Of course I want health for myself and my family.  Of course I want my loved ones to know your peace.
What I seem to lack is vision for how you plan to involve me in your plans for good.  So, when I pray, I desire to be filled by your spirit, aligned with your good plans, and guided into divine appointments and choices that lead to more good happening.  Because you are good.  Your plans are good.  I pray for eyes to see how I can be aligned with your plans.
I breathe you in.  I sit.  I receive.  I fill up on your spirit.  May it overflow from me to the world.  May you shine through the cracks in my heart and reveal your light where I would be dark.  Show me.  Give me eyes to see your divine opportunities to love.  Help me to slow down and choose to love others deeply.
I know that opening myself up to vulnerability is the key to unlocking love.  Help me to not self protect.  Help me to love radically and not to be tempted to keep it cool or whatever weird thing I do.  I want to love radically.

January 29
Great.  I really don't like reading about, contemplating, or discussing end times, Jesus' return, end of the world, etc.
Yet that's what our discussion is tonight for group.  So, I guess I will trust that you want us to gain something from it.  Otherwise I would just advise us to skip this one.
Give me your grace, love and truth if people look to me for understanding.  Because this just doesn't inspire me at all.  Part of me doubts that it's true in the way we interpret it - but mostly I just don't care.  I'm not motivated by some future return of Jesus.  I'm motivated comforted, and inspired by his past and current involvement in my life.
Maybe that because I'm comfortable in this present life.  So, hope of the future deliverance doesn't carry much power for me personally.
And, honestly, it just sounds so weird.  Not that other stories in the bible aren't weird - there are plenty.  But, this one stumps me beyond all others.  If Jesus comes back with trumpet calls, why bother letting all of the false prophets have their time trying to deceive us?  It's just a really tough story for me to be inspired by.
Yet, I do believe Jesus' death and resurrection was a victory over evil and that we're living in a weird time of waiting for the earth to align with that reality.
So, everything I believe is pretty weird.  Why does this particular story stretch me?
Maybe my imagination is weak.  So it just seems absurd.
Just being honest.  Not too excited to lead this discussion tonight.  Please reveal something to me that can lead our discussion honestly into truth, hope and love.

January 31
Reading Acts 9 - I get caught up in the weirdness and it makes me feel skeptical.
Just being honest.
The whole chapter is riddled with weird and unbelievable stories; accounts of events that I just a difficult time swallowing as real and true.
First is just the radical conversion of Saul to Paul.  It's such a short account - so matter of fact.  He goes from being the persecutor, murderer, condemner to preaching Jesus' Gospel in just 18 verses.  Then he grows powerful and has followers - just like that.
At least in 9:20 it reveals that when he went to Jerusalem, the disciples were afraid of him and didn't believe.  That adds some credibility to the story.
But, even Ananias (backing up to vs 1-18) Really?  He just hears from God and obeys and goes to this murderer?  What the?  Who would do that for real?
Next, we end the chapter with Peter going to a home and telling a dead woman to get up, and she does?! I'm sorry, I just have a hard time..oh wait..first he tells a paralytic who has been bedridden for 8 years to pick up his mat - and the guy gets up and does it.
Deep breath.  Sigh.  smh
Do I believe this happened?  If I'm honest, I don't think I believe it.  But, maybe it's just my fear.  I'm afraid that if I truly believe in this level of power, I would need to change how I pray and what I hope for with my prayer?  I just do not have faith that my prayers have the power to heal.  There, I admitted it.  I can't not be honest.  I just can't get it. Why would you choose to heal arbitrarily? It's cruel.  If you can heal, and you know the pleading hearts of those suffering, then heal.  Would you really wait for a person, a human, to look to you and ask the right way or say the right words or express it enough times or have enough faith, or want it bad enough?
Eww.
That isn't kind or loving.  It doesn't align with your character of being all good and all loving.  So, yah, I struggle to believe some of this stuff.
So, what do I do with it then?
I guess I ask, what do you want me to know, learn, and see when I read these accounts, Lord?

....I want you to know that I AM.  I am all powerful, capable, and good.  I'm a mystery.  You must learn to live in the tension.  Just because you can't explain or rationalize it doesn't mean it's not true.  I am all good.  I want good things.  Always.  You won't pray for big things that could leave you disappointed and discouraged if they don't go the way you hoped.  Your defense is to protect your faith by not getting your hopes up for something that may not happen.  This protects you from some pain and disappointment, but it also severs your connection to big dreams, big hopes, and a big God.  It is fueled by fear and it breeds apathy or even cynicism.
For you, to be vulnerable is to hope and dream big.  But that's scary for you because you feel you're setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment. 
It's simple - expect less and be always impressed by abundance.  Expect abundance and risk being left disappointed.

It seems like such a good mindset.  It truly keeps my heart grateful.  I don't expect to live and breathe and have my health today - so I receive it as a precious and abundant gift to cherish!  Any good that comes to me feels like an abundant outpouring of mercy and grace.  I don't expect it.
If I start to dream, and pray with expectation that you will do abundantly more that I can even ask or imagine, I feel I will risk living in a state of disappointment rather than awe and wonder.
Am I crazy?
What do you want me to do about this?
I know you never want me to live out of fear.  And I know you want me to see how big, good, and trustworthy you are. 
And I do.
But, when I lack faith/belief that healings occurred (occur) because it threatens my rational understanding of you - how is that limiting me?
You know what my desire is before I say it.  Why would you choose to act on something merely because I was diligent in my effort to bring it up to you?
That just makes me mad.  And confused.
Because it makes me wonder why you would act on one thing BECAUSE of a person's prayer - but then not act on other things, in spite of faithful, trusting, persistent, heartfelt prayer.
That doesn't feel like a good father.
So, of course I avoid digging too deeply into this topic because I like my current strategy.
But, I do feel like you're tapping me on the shoulder and gently asking me to see how my self protection is limiting what you have for me and how I can push into this a bit.

There you have it.  I warned you.  I pretty much question God constantly.  And I argue a bit.  And He is always faithful to allow me to wrestle.  He meets my questioning with love and gentleness. 
Maybe I'll keep sharing some of my journal entries.   I'm pushing into this prayer thing and opening myself up to whatever God is revealing.
I will say that I didn't lead my group through the topic that was uninspiring.  Instead I switched gears and we talked about what our lives could look like if we lived without fear.  I didn't avoid a "hard topic".  I just chose to share something that was energizing and inspiring me.  It was a great conversation.