OK, it just ticks me off.
How can anyone throw around bible verses randomly and use them as an "argument" for how we are supposed to "live biblically"?
I get it, the bible is helpful for teaching, rebuking, training...I get it.
Helpful.
But here I am in Ephesians reading about how Husbands and Wives "should" love each other and how children "should" honor parents, and next think I know Paul is saying how slaves "should" obey, respect and fear their masters! As they would Christ!?!?! COME ON!
Sure, he continues with beautiful sentiment about being a slave to Christ and showing that kind of love and being rewarded for that. And he continues with the directive for Masters to treat slaves the same.
The point is, I just can not believe people pull out a bible verse and act like it's equal in authority, relevance or importance to any other verse just because maybe it says something that confirms or defends their position on something.
Or, out of sheer ignorance? They really think every single word is a directive that is equal to every other.
Absurd.
Paul was addressing a community where slavery WAS happening. There wasn't even a discussion on the table about slavery NOT happening. So, he addresses what IS happening and suggests order, love, and respect within the existing circumstances.
But if someone pulls out the verse "slaves obey your earthly masters with respect, and fear and with sincerity of heart", they could use it to defend a position that God condones slavery.
UGH!
Absurd!
When Jesus gives the sermon on the mount he says "'by their fruit you shall know them"...and when asked about ALL Of the laws, he says they can be summed up in "Love God, love others."
So, when discussing a "biblical view" of something, grabbing a random verse to argue about a current issue, when that verse was written to a different culture at a different time, with different circumstances I would hold it loosely. Because, Jesus, who we worship, follow and believe, summed up the law! So, yes, His words ARE more important and hold more weight.
We look at slavery and ask, does it produce good fruit? Is it loving?
NO!
OK, then perhaps it is not something that should be supported and practiced in the kingdom of God....by those who proclaim to be in the kingdom.
Of course, this fires me up, not so much because I experience modern-day people trying to defend slavery using bible verses. But I do see many Christians pulling out bible verses and using them to defend their actions of judgement, condemnation, cruelty, and discrimination towards LGBTQ people. Yet, I would argue that if you look at the random verses being yanked out of context, they are not referring to a loving, monogamous, committed, same-sex relationship. The references were about lust, sex, violence, oppression, rape, orgies, prostitution. There aren't references to respectful, mutually condoning, loving, physical relationships between same sex partners. So, to yank out a verse that's referring rape, violence and orgies and to compare it to our modern culture of same sex couples who are desiring a respectful, loving, monogamous, life-long covenant of a shared life where they honor each other with love? Wth? Then the verse is not addressing their "behavior".
Let's look at the fruit!
The fruit of a loving, committed couple sharing self-sacrificial love with each other....submitted to Jesus, loving others, being on mission for the Kingdom....
Compared to....
The fruit of Christians demanding that they NOT love each other but instead try to change...or try to live a life alone and never marry...or repent and feel disgusted by who they are and view themselves as repulsive, sinful, deviant. OH! And they definitely can't serve in the church if they're in a loving, committed, mutually respectful same-sex marriage or relationship. Their kingdom impact is not allowed in the church.
SO, they leave the church.
What kind of fruit is that? ROTTEN FRUIT.
Meanwhile, where does that leave the church?
The church is chowing down on the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and seeing that as their place. Yet, God said to stay away from that tree - or we're just trying to play God's role. We're supposed to eat from the tree of life! And we're supposed to share the fruit from the tree of live with everyone in the world! And that fruit is SO GOOD...too good to be true.
But, we're too afraid of that freedom. We don't trust it. So, we get lured into the role of moral police. That was never our place.
Love God.
Love Others.
Good Fruit.
When any person is driven AWAY from Jesus and His church and is made to feel unworthy or unwelcome, that is rotten fruit.
And it STINKS!
Do we not trust Jesus? When someone meets Jesus, loves Jesus, surrenders to Jesus as Lord...do we not trust Jesus to deal with the stuff in their life that is falling short or missing the mark?
I really don't want the job of judging each person. I don't. How can I LOVE them when I'm so focused on assessing their moral worthiness?
But, it is a beautiful thing to witness good fruit. When something is producing an overflow of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness...when something looks so much like Jesus it's compelling! If that good fruit is flowing from a couple who is the same sex, I'm OK leaving that detail up to Jesus. I can celebrate the fruit. Being the sex police is exhausting. Their relationship is NOT all about SEX! And I don't personally believe most bible verses about homosexual sex are referring to this kind of fruitful, loving relationship. Most are referring to gang rape, oppression, violence, forcing sex on children, orgies, and prostitution.
There was not a cultural reference to what is in our current culture.
Just like in Ephesians when Paul addresses slaves and masters. He didn't have any reference for a culture that did NOT have slaves. In bible verses, there wasn't an available reference for same-sex covenant love relationships. Only deviant ones.
When I watched the movie Bohemian Rhapsody, my heart broke for Freddy Mercury. He longed for a loving relationship. He tried to pursue one with a woman he loved. But, when he acknowledged his attraction was to men, his only option was the underground, hidden, dark world of sexual deviants. He wasn't allowed to pursue the kind of loving relationship he was desiring. It was forbidden.
He finally did find it. He found love. And I would imagine it was incredibly difficult to reveal their love relationship to family, friends, and the world who knew him because he was so famous. But, they did it anyways. And, that man was the partner who loved Freddy through the rest of his days and to his dying day. THAT was what Freddy wanted. He didn't WANT promiscuous, underground, kinky, forbidden sex. That's just the only thing that seemed available to him because of who he was attracted to. He wanted LOVE! He wanted to share his LIFE with someone - loving and serving each other.
And that LOVE looks like good fruit to me.
Much better fruit than loneliness, self hatred, solitude, and feeling unworthy. Or the fruit of hidden, shameful, forbidden sex that no one can know about. That's horrible. To give a person no other option but to deny them LOVE.
OK. Enough. That's my rant for today.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Friday, September 13, 2019
Did God Kill Jesus? I don't think so.
Great time to be thinking about Easter, huh?
I know most people are feeling the excitement of Fall in the air, and even dreaming about the upcoming celebrations of Thanksgiving and maybe even Christmas.
But, for some reason, I am day dreaming about Easter.
Easter is my favorite. It's the most meaningful time of year to me.
As a follower of Jesus, Easter is downright crazy.
I mean, it's one thing to believe in the whole Christmas story and about Jesus being born to a virgin and being the incarnation, human form of the God of the universe. Yah, that's weird.
But, Easter?
To believe that Jesus died and then after a couple of days he rose from the dead and was physically alive again, but he kinda looked different because some people close to him didn't even recognize him? And then to believe that event has profound meaning to my life right now, 2000 years later? That is beyond weird. That's crazy.
But, that's what Christians believe! That's what I believe!
And it is so weird and supernatural and mystical.
And, although I'm not planning to spend time defending why I would believe such a crazy thing actually happened, I do believe there is sufficient evidence that it did.
Anyways, for so many years of my life I've heard the explanation of Jesus' death framed as him being a sacrificial lamb, dying in my place, because God needs a blood sacrifice to atone for sins. So, Jesus steps in and is that sacrifice for me.
But, that inevitably leads me to view God as a bloodthirsty, vengeful entity. And, it leads me to view myself as a sinful being unworthy of God's love but lucky because Jesus was worthy.
So, I'm left with a really crummy impression of God's character and my own.
But, in recent years, I've heard the death and resurrection of Jesus described differently. And I'm left with a beautiful, flawless, perfect, all-loving impression of the triune God. And I'm left feeling worthy, loved, victorious, fearless, and filled with hope and purpose.
Hmmmm
But because I've heard the substitutionary atonement theory repeatedly for over 40 years, I sometimes struggle to articulate what I REALLY believe the resurrection is all about.
Victory over evil.
Victory over death.
A model of dying and rising - which is a continual part of my faith journey. Die to self, rise up into the version of me that God created. Continually.
From Cynthia Bourgeault's reflections: "Christianity has tended to view the resurrection as Jesus' triumph over physical death...but...it's meaning lies in something far deeper than merely the resurrection of a corpse. Jesus' real purpose in this sacrifice was to wager his own life against his core conviction that love is stronger than death, and that laying down self, which is the essence of this love, leads not to death, but to life..."
She goes on about how this gives us an archetype for all of our personal experiences of dying and rising "reminding us that it is not only possible but imperative to fall through fear, into love because that is the only way we will ever truly know what it means to be alive".
This is SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL, helpful, inspiring, transformative and encouraging to contemplate than the idea of my being awful and unworthy of love until Jesus is brutally murdered in my place.
I don't believe I am unworthy or that I was unworthy. Sure, I'm a sinner. Because I am human and have to continually die to self and seek to be reborn as God's creation. Always allowing His spirit to refine me, regenerate me, remind me. His spirit reminds me that I was created by Him and he cherishes that creation. He didn't create me as an unworthy sinner who he couldn't bear to look at because I'm too disgusting for His pure eyes - so he needed a mutilated Jesus to step between us so he could bear looking directly at my awful self.
What the?
That's crazy!
So, today I'm thinking about the end of my favorite season and the coming of the cooler months.
And I'm thinking about Easter and the resurrection and the life of Jesus.
I'm thinking about the infinite beauty of the love of God and the stark contrast between that light and the darkness that is sin and evil.
I truly do realize how weird it is to believe these things actually happened. And it's weird to believe these events continue to have profound affect on humanity in this present moment 2000 years later.
I could say so much more.
Jesus was the ultimate scapegoat. In perfect love, he took all of the hate, blame, rage, fear, and accusations...and he accepted it all with grace and mercy and forgiveness. He let humanity pile all of our disgusting sins on him and He carried that weight to his death. His murder. He then had victory over death and showed that all of that sin does not win.
In the ultimate display of victory, he demonstrated that love wins.
God didn't kill Jesus to quench his thirst for a blood sacrifice. We killed Jesus. Evil killed Jesus. And we piled all of our sin on Him. And he took it all. And he showed us that evil doesn't win. It can't win. Because God is love and love is all powerful.
I love Easter.
I know most people are feeling the excitement of Fall in the air, and even dreaming about the upcoming celebrations of Thanksgiving and maybe even Christmas.
But, for some reason, I am day dreaming about Easter.
Easter is my favorite. It's the most meaningful time of year to me.
As a follower of Jesus, Easter is downright crazy.
I mean, it's one thing to believe in the whole Christmas story and about Jesus being born to a virgin and being the incarnation, human form of the God of the universe. Yah, that's weird.
But, Easter?
To believe that Jesus died and then after a couple of days he rose from the dead and was physically alive again, but he kinda looked different because some people close to him didn't even recognize him? And then to believe that event has profound meaning to my life right now, 2000 years later? That is beyond weird. That's crazy.
But, that's what Christians believe! That's what I believe!
And it is so weird and supernatural and mystical.
And, although I'm not planning to spend time defending why I would believe such a crazy thing actually happened, I do believe there is sufficient evidence that it did.
Anyways, for so many years of my life I've heard the explanation of Jesus' death framed as him being a sacrificial lamb, dying in my place, because God needs a blood sacrifice to atone for sins. So, Jesus steps in and is that sacrifice for me.
But, that inevitably leads me to view God as a bloodthirsty, vengeful entity. And, it leads me to view myself as a sinful being unworthy of God's love but lucky because Jesus was worthy.
So, I'm left with a really crummy impression of God's character and my own.
But, in recent years, I've heard the death and resurrection of Jesus described differently. And I'm left with a beautiful, flawless, perfect, all-loving impression of the triune God. And I'm left feeling worthy, loved, victorious, fearless, and filled with hope and purpose.
Hmmmm
But because I've heard the substitutionary atonement theory repeatedly for over 40 years, I sometimes struggle to articulate what I REALLY believe the resurrection is all about.
Victory over evil.
Victory over death.
A model of dying and rising - which is a continual part of my faith journey. Die to self, rise up into the version of me that God created. Continually.
From Cynthia Bourgeault's reflections: "Christianity has tended to view the resurrection as Jesus' triumph over physical death...but...it's meaning lies in something far deeper than merely the resurrection of a corpse. Jesus' real purpose in this sacrifice was to wager his own life against his core conviction that love is stronger than death, and that laying down self, which is the essence of this love, leads not to death, but to life..."
She goes on about how this gives us an archetype for all of our personal experiences of dying and rising "reminding us that it is not only possible but imperative to fall through fear, into love because that is the only way we will ever truly know what it means to be alive".
This is SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL, helpful, inspiring, transformative and encouraging to contemplate than the idea of my being awful and unworthy of love until Jesus is brutally murdered in my place.
I don't believe I am unworthy or that I was unworthy. Sure, I'm a sinner. Because I am human and have to continually die to self and seek to be reborn as God's creation. Always allowing His spirit to refine me, regenerate me, remind me. His spirit reminds me that I was created by Him and he cherishes that creation. He didn't create me as an unworthy sinner who he couldn't bear to look at because I'm too disgusting for His pure eyes - so he needed a mutilated Jesus to step between us so he could bear looking directly at my awful self.
What the?
That's crazy!
So, today I'm thinking about the end of my favorite season and the coming of the cooler months.
And I'm thinking about Easter and the resurrection and the life of Jesus.
I'm thinking about the infinite beauty of the love of God and the stark contrast between that light and the darkness that is sin and evil.
I truly do realize how weird it is to believe these things actually happened. And it's weird to believe these events continue to have profound affect on humanity in this present moment 2000 years later.
I could say so much more.
Jesus was the ultimate scapegoat. In perfect love, he took all of the hate, blame, rage, fear, and accusations...and he accepted it all with grace and mercy and forgiveness. He let humanity pile all of our disgusting sins on him and He carried that weight to his death. His murder. He then had victory over death and showed that all of that sin does not win.
In the ultimate display of victory, he demonstrated that love wins.
God didn't kill Jesus to quench his thirst for a blood sacrifice. We killed Jesus. Evil killed Jesus. And we piled all of our sin on Him. And he took it all. And he showed us that evil doesn't win. It can't win. Because God is love and love is all powerful.
I love Easter.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Our calling
Reading from a daily email I'm subscribed to, this jumped out at me and stopped me:
"This is our calling as Christian faithful: to recognize the Christ in everyone. And to reach out a hand of hope, to speak a word of love, to sing a song of happiness, to share a tear of joy or pain, to speak a word of praise, to murmur a prayer, to stand together against those forces that word divide us, isolate us, and block our flow toward home"
This is beautiful.
I'm baffled as to how some who identify as Christians have come to believe that their calling as a Christian faithful is practically the opposite of this?
To recognize evil in everyone, to reach out a hand of condemnation and judgment, to bring others tears of pain and to create and feed forces that would divide us, isolate us, block our flow toward home.
And to do all of this in the name of our beautiful savior Jesus? youch!
It is amazing to me that the lure towards being our own god is so strong that we would call ourselves Christ followers, yet instead of being filled with the spirit and producing the fruit of the spirit in our lives, we could see our calling as a need to judge others, condemn others, dividing and be the spiritual police of everyone.
I absolutely love the freedom that comes with this statement - "to reach out a hand of hope"...
Whatever that looks like!
Who needs hope? Everyone!
To speak a word of love.
Who needs love? Everyone!
To share a tear of joy or pain?!
Who needs that? Everyone!
We get the impossible privilege of being Jesus to the world. It's impossible because, without the spirit of God in me, I can't love others completely and selflessly.
I can't.
I want to reserve some for myself, I want to categorize and determine who is most deserving of my love.
I want to be judge.
I want to protect my heart from pain instead of allowing myself to enter into someones suffering.
I want to keep my own possessions instead of letting them go and sharing with those who don't have.
On my own, it's really hard to truly live out the "call"
But, if I surrender self and instead submit to the power of the Spirit of Christ, I get the supernatural power to love like Christ!
YES PLEASE!
Oh, how I want that power!
To love without keeping score...to enter into the suffering of others simply to help carry the weight...to give more that I receive...to see the beauty of Christ in everyone...to bridge divides, heal wounds, and reveal miraculous supernatural love to those who have never experienced it!
I want to be a part of that.
I want to live for that purpose.
I can't do that in my own strength and my own spirit. I need to be filled to overflow with the spirit of love, wisdom, mercy.
I need to jump into the flow of the trinitarian God...the flow of perfect love...where giving and receiving are constant and indecipherable from each other...giving love and receiving love is a constant state of being...
Because once I'm in that flow, nothing else looks as appealing.
Selfishness breaks the flow and I don't want to break it!
It's too good! It's perfect! It's union with my creator. It's life at a soul level. It's spiritual oxygen.
And when I'm breathing deeply of this pure spiritual oxygen, it's so crushing to see others who are gasping for air as they grasp and claw for control, power, or just survival.
Here I am, breathing deeply, and they're gasping for air.
To me, that is the good news and the reason I'm compelled to share it.
I want everyone to be free from the choking, gasping, struggling to breathe.
I want people to feel the flow of love, the freedom to let go.
The joy of denying self and submitting to a love so good that nothing else compares.
Once a person tastes of this love, I can trust the spirit to guide what they do.
I don't need to govern how they act.
Not my job. Thankfully!
Never was, never will be.
I'm not any one's god.
"This is our calling as Christian faithful: to recognize the Christ in everyone. And to reach out a hand of hope, to speak a word of love, to sing a song of happiness, to share a tear of joy or pain, to speak a word of praise, to murmur a prayer, to stand together against those forces that word divide us, isolate us, and block our flow toward home"
This is beautiful.
I'm baffled as to how some who identify as Christians have come to believe that their calling as a Christian faithful is practically the opposite of this?
To recognize evil in everyone, to reach out a hand of condemnation and judgment, to bring others tears of pain and to create and feed forces that would divide us, isolate us, block our flow toward home.
And to do all of this in the name of our beautiful savior Jesus? youch!
It is amazing to me that the lure towards being our own god is so strong that we would call ourselves Christ followers, yet instead of being filled with the spirit and producing the fruit of the spirit in our lives, we could see our calling as a need to judge others, condemn others, dividing and be the spiritual police of everyone.
I absolutely love the freedom that comes with this statement - "to reach out a hand of hope"...
Whatever that looks like!
Who needs hope? Everyone!
To speak a word of love.
Who needs love? Everyone!
To share a tear of joy or pain?!
Who needs that? Everyone!
We get the impossible privilege of being Jesus to the world. It's impossible because, without the spirit of God in me, I can't love others completely and selflessly.
I can't.
I want to reserve some for myself, I want to categorize and determine who is most deserving of my love.
I want to be judge.
I want to protect my heart from pain instead of allowing myself to enter into someones suffering.
I want to keep my own possessions instead of letting them go and sharing with those who don't have.
On my own, it's really hard to truly live out the "call"
But, if I surrender self and instead submit to the power of the Spirit of Christ, I get the supernatural power to love like Christ!
YES PLEASE!
Oh, how I want that power!
To love without keeping score...to enter into the suffering of others simply to help carry the weight...to give more that I receive...to see the beauty of Christ in everyone...to bridge divides, heal wounds, and reveal miraculous supernatural love to those who have never experienced it!
I want to be a part of that.
I want to live for that purpose.
I can't do that in my own strength and my own spirit. I need to be filled to overflow with the spirit of love, wisdom, mercy.
I need to jump into the flow of the trinitarian God...the flow of perfect love...where giving and receiving are constant and indecipherable from each other...giving love and receiving love is a constant state of being...
Because once I'm in that flow, nothing else looks as appealing.
Selfishness breaks the flow and I don't want to break it!
It's too good! It's perfect! It's union with my creator. It's life at a soul level. It's spiritual oxygen.
And when I'm breathing deeply of this pure spiritual oxygen, it's so crushing to see others who are gasping for air as they grasp and claw for control, power, or just survival.
Here I am, breathing deeply, and they're gasping for air.
To me, that is the good news and the reason I'm compelled to share it.
I want everyone to be free from the choking, gasping, struggling to breathe.
I want people to feel the flow of love, the freedom to let go.
The joy of denying self and submitting to a love so good that nothing else compares.
Once a person tastes of this love, I can trust the spirit to guide what they do.
I don't need to govern how they act.
Not my job. Thankfully!
Never was, never will be.
I'm not any one's god.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Embrace - come on women, let's change the world.
I'm so grateful that I went with a group of women to a screening of the movie "Embrace" last night. And I'm further grateful that I brought my teen daughter. Because the message is so important.
This morning as I'm journaling, I'm all fired up.
So, I thought I'd share my journal entry as a post.
The movie blurb: EMBRACE follows Taryn Brumfitt's crusade as she explores the global issue of body loathing, inspiring us to change the way we feel about ourselves and think about our bodies.
I really want all women to get this message and allow it to change them. I want men to get this message so they can stop reducing women down to objects.
It's so devastating to think of all the wasted time and energy women have spent obsessing about their body image and beauty when we could be spending that precious energy being the world changers we were created to be.
We've been trapped, paralyzed by shame and self loathing, striving for a perfect figure that does not exist without photo editing.
In the end, I want to be remembered as someone who used her energy to love, to fight for change, to invite others to enjoy food and laughter and fun. I don't give a crap if I'm remembered as thin, pretty, sexy. Who cares?!
When I care for myself, I want my motivation to always be an appreciation for what my body and mind are capable of and a desire to remain strong and capable so that I can live this precious life to the full. I'm not interested in whether someone else thinks I look good in a fricken bathing suit. But, I'll be grateful for each day that I'm physically capable of running, biking, hiking, walking, playing sports, swimming, and doing hundreds of other daily activities that require my strength to function. Sure, I'll be sad as I age and am unable to do some things that bring me joy and serve a purpose. But, I hope I can resist the temptation to think of myself as being on display for anyone to judge. No one can reduce me down to my body or my appearance unless I allow them to.
I invest in my physical and mental health so that I'm best prepared to take on the day that comes my way - ready for any opportunity. I don't care for myself in order to gain approval from shallow people who desire to judge me based on my appearance.
But, the reason I'm so fired up about this is because it's so easy to fall into the trap! I'd like to say I never do. But it's the air we breathe. It's the culture we are immersed in. I'm not immune. And that makes me really really mad!
Women have so much to offer this world. To be reduced down to skinny or fat, pretty or ugly, is so irrelevant it makes my blood boil.
It's astonishing to think of how crafty the enemy of our souls truly is. The deceiver. The father of lies.
As women, we can be so distracted by the pursuit of superficial beauty that might satisfy others that we can live in perpetual dissatisfaction about ourselves. We are blind to our true beauty, strength, power, purpose, and identity. Even those who manage to achieve the "ideal" look can never feel like they're pretty enough, thin enough, perfect enough.
Meanwhile, the God-given beauty deep in our soul is being snuffed out. What if we were spending our time and energy nurturing our souls and finding a purpose greater than ourselves? Then the world would be ROCKED! The world would change! All that focus, time, and energy would be directed out into the hurting world and it would bring healing, reformation, and love like we've never seen.
I'm so grateful for Taryn Brumfitt who chose to use her story and her creativity and her resourcefulness to create this documentary. I'm so inspired.
Come on women! Let's be known, not for our looks, but for how we change the world!
This morning as I'm journaling, I'm all fired up.
So, I thought I'd share my journal entry as a post.
The movie blurb: EMBRACE follows Taryn Brumfitt's crusade as she explores the global issue of body loathing, inspiring us to change the way we feel about ourselves and think about our bodies.
I really want all women to get this message and allow it to change them. I want men to get this message so they can stop reducing women down to objects.
It's so devastating to think of all the wasted time and energy women have spent obsessing about their body image and beauty when we could be spending that precious energy being the world changers we were created to be.
We've been trapped, paralyzed by shame and self loathing, striving for a perfect figure that does not exist without photo editing.
In the end, I want to be remembered as someone who used her energy to love, to fight for change, to invite others to enjoy food and laughter and fun. I don't give a crap if I'm remembered as thin, pretty, sexy. Who cares?!
When I care for myself, I want my motivation to always be an appreciation for what my body and mind are capable of and a desire to remain strong and capable so that I can live this precious life to the full. I'm not interested in whether someone else thinks I look good in a fricken bathing suit. But, I'll be grateful for each day that I'm physically capable of running, biking, hiking, walking, playing sports, swimming, and doing hundreds of other daily activities that require my strength to function. Sure, I'll be sad as I age and am unable to do some things that bring me joy and serve a purpose. But, I hope I can resist the temptation to think of myself as being on display for anyone to judge. No one can reduce me down to my body or my appearance unless I allow them to.
I invest in my physical and mental health so that I'm best prepared to take on the day that comes my way - ready for any opportunity. I don't care for myself in order to gain approval from shallow people who desire to judge me based on my appearance.
But, the reason I'm so fired up about this is because it's so easy to fall into the trap! I'd like to say I never do. But it's the air we breathe. It's the culture we are immersed in. I'm not immune. And that makes me really really mad!
Women have so much to offer this world. To be reduced down to skinny or fat, pretty or ugly, is so irrelevant it makes my blood boil.
It's astonishing to think of how crafty the enemy of our souls truly is. The deceiver. The father of lies.
As women, we can be so distracted by the pursuit of superficial beauty that might satisfy others that we can live in perpetual dissatisfaction about ourselves. We are blind to our true beauty, strength, power, purpose, and identity. Even those who manage to achieve the "ideal" look can never feel like they're pretty enough, thin enough, perfect enough.
Meanwhile, the God-given beauty deep in our soul is being snuffed out. What if we were spending our time and energy nurturing our souls and finding a purpose greater than ourselves? Then the world would be ROCKED! The world would change! All that focus, time, and energy would be directed out into the hurting world and it would bring healing, reformation, and love like we've never seen.
I'm so grateful for Taryn Brumfitt who chose to use her story and her creativity and her resourcefulness to create this documentary. I'm so inspired.
Come on women! Let's be known, not for our looks, but for how we change the world!
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
What does "follow" mean?
Today my reading in the prayer challenge book is about abiding. He writes a lot about abiding in the word of God.
A few things I underlined:
"Come follow me...meant taking the Rabbi's yoke...the yoke represented the sum total of the Rabbi's philosophy and practice. It meant spending every waking moment with him."
If we are disciples of Jesus, that means we "follow" him. It means we take on the total of Jesus' philosophy and practice-spending every waking hour with him.
But, we want to just take a quick glance at his life - maybe on a Sunday when someone teaches from the bible. Maybe a quick bible verse or chapter here and there.
And we want to ask him to follow us....so we can turn around and check in whenever it's convenient and we want to blame him when prayers aren't answered or life sucks.
But, all the while, we aren't following him. Because, it costs us everything. We have to let go of our life and surrender. We don't want to do that. That's radical. Crazy really.
So, we call ourselves disciples, followers, believers...but do we even know what that means?
We look at Jesus' life, maybe read the gospels that show us his "philosophy and practice" while living among us. And we marvel at the way he lived! We marvel at the way he upended the religious and led a revolution of selfless grace and compassion. He was so beautiful. Love in the flesh.
But he was radical!
So we may marvel, but we don't really follow.
He didn't have a home or possessions. He didn't have a wife and kids, a stable job with a plan for retirement and college savings plans. He didn't justify ANY violence, but instead said "love your enemies". He forgave his enemies while he was being tortured to death. He didn't spend any time with people in powerful, influential positions, but he was always with the people who were considered lower, less than, unworthy, unimportant, not powerful. He wasn't trying to convince the government to change, but was starting a grass roots revolution of radical love that was founded on putting others before himself. A servant expecting nothing in return.
We marvel at this.
Wow, Jesus was amazing!
But we don't really follow.
If follow means "taking on the total of Jesus' philosophy and practice", then we usually find ourselves learning from, admiring, and pondering - but rarely actually following.
Yet, we know that our joy can be complete if we follow. But, it's too hard. We have too much we do not want to surrender and let go of.
I guess what's weird is that we don't surrender and follow, but we hold on to our own plans, our idols, and our fear. But then we wonder why Jesus isn't rescuing us, or we say "I don't hear from God - that just happened back in the time the bible was written." Or we blame God for everything. Yet, do we even know him? Do we know His character? Have we trusted His goodness? Or have we tried to learn a little bit from Jesus' life, all the while holding on tightly to our own?
A few things I underlined:
"Come follow me...meant taking the Rabbi's yoke...the yoke represented the sum total of the Rabbi's philosophy and practice. It meant spending every waking moment with him."
If we are disciples of Jesus, that means we "follow" him. It means we take on the total of Jesus' philosophy and practice-spending every waking hour with him.
But, we want to just take a quick glance at his life - maybe on a Sunday when someone teaches from the bible. Maybe a quick bible verse or chapter here and there.
And we want to ask him to follow us....so we can turn around and check in whenever it's convenient and we want to blame him when prayers aren't answered or life sucks.
But, all the while, we aren't following him. Because, it costs us everything. We have to let go of our life and surrender. We don't want to do that. That's radical. Crazy really.
So, we call ourselves disciples, followers, believers...but do we even know what that means?
We look at Jesus' life, maybe read the gospels that show us his "philosophy and practice" while living among us. And we marvel at the way he lived! We marvel at the way he upended the religious and led a revolution of selfless grace and compassion. He was so beautiful. Love in the flesh.
But he was radical!
So we may marvel, but we don't really follow.
He didn't have a home or possessions. He didn't have a wife and kids, a stable job with a plan for retirement and college savings plans. He didn't justify ANY violence, but instead said "love your enemies". He forgave his enemies while he was being tortured to death. He didn't spend any time with people in powerful, influential positions, but he was always with the people who were considered lower, less than, unworthy, unimportant, not powerful. He wasn't trying to convince the government to change, but was starting a grass roots revolution of radical love that was founded on putting others before himself. A servant expecting nothing in return.
We marvel at this.
Wow, Jesus was amazing!
But we don't really follow.
If follow means "taking on the total of Jesus' philosophy and practice", then we usually find ourselves learning from, admiring, and pondering - but rarely actually following.
Yet, we know that our joy can be complete if we follow. But, it's too hard. We have too much we do not want to surrender and let go of.
I guess what's weird is that we don't surrender and follow, but we hold on to our own plans, our idols, and our fear. But then we wonder why Jesus isn't rescuing us, or we say "I don't hear from God - that just happened back in the time the bible was written." Or we blame God for everything. Yet, do we even know him? Do we know His character? Have we trusted His goodness? Or have we tried to learn a little bit from Jesus' life, all the while holding on tightly to our own?
Monday, March 11, 2019
Miracles, Forgiveness and Buddhism?
Reading Acts 14:1-7
What jumped out at me was verse 3 "So Paul and Barnabas spent considerable time there, speaking boldly for the Lord, who confirmed the message of his grace by enabling them to do miraculous signs and wonders."
Really? How cool is that? Must be nice, aye? They tell people about the power of the risen Christ and then they do some miracles so they have some street cred.
If that's how God works, I should assume that's still possible. But, we don't believe it ourselves, so we wouldn't trust enough to ask for miracles.
When did that get so lost? So many of us simply "believe in God" and consider all of the bible stuff ancient history.
But Paul enters the story at the same point we do. So, where did his power come from? Same as ours. The power given by the holy spirit.
But I don't live as if that power is real. I'm skeptical, maybe even cynical. Yet, if I reflect, I've seen so many miracles!
So many lives transformed, redeemed, rescued, changed, lifted out of darkness.
That's probably why I like the book 'The Hiding Place" so much. Corrie Ten Boom talks about so many instances where she just had supernatural understanding, knowledge, protection, direction, power, strength, and ability.
But, did it protect her from suffering? Not at all!
She lost everything!
She lost her dignity, health, home, safety, and her loved ones. They were killed. They weren't protected. The miracles were not always the ones she desperately pleaded for. But, somehow, she continued to put her faith and TRUST in God!
And he led her to heal so many from the trauma of the war and the holocaust. She could not have been open to any of that had she simply looked at her own loss and pain and blamed it on God.
How in the world was she so strong?
That's true freedom.
Living in acceptance of the reality of the deep pain, yet being open to the continued possibility that God is good, can be trusted, and will guide her.
Oh, her story about forgiving that guard! She had absolutely no reason to forgive. She had no desire either. Everything in her held on and wanted to hate him. She couldn't even make herself want to forgive. But, she just asked the holy spirit to help her. And, she reached out her hand to shake his - and it was electric. The surge of the love of God went through her and literally gave her the supernatural power to love that unlovable person. She couldn't do it, but God could! And, although she resisted because she couldn't imagine letting this guy off the hook for all of the torment and torture, it was her own heart that was set free. She had never before experienced that depth of love. She let go of the hatred, blame, anger, and score card. She forgave. And it set her free!
Oh, that's the freedom we deeply desire! But it really is supernatural. We can't do it. Our minds and hearts hold on to grudges, hurts, and fear. How can we forgive? It seems to give permission to be hurt again! Often we just can't cognitively get to a place of forgiveness. But, I personally want the freedom of letting go of offense. I want the supernatural love that flows from a spirit that can't hate or fear.
It doesn't erase past suffering. It doesn't promise a future without suffering. But it releases the current suffering that tortures the soul while holding on to hate, fear and blame. That just suffocates. I want deep breaths of life. That can only come through a spirit of love. It just doesn't flow through a spirit of hate. Hate turns to bitterness. It feeds off negative. It searches for wrongs and injustices.
I won't ignore wrongs and injustices or pretend they don't exist. But I pray and hope that I can live a life of forgiveness and a flow of supernatural, miraculous love that is free to experience joy even when there's crap that is cruel, unfair, and hate-filled. I want to choose to acknowledge it, but not let it take over.
I've been listening to a podcast series about Buddhism. And it's interesting that this is the foundation of the Buddhist practice. The four noble truths. The first is that life brings suffering. The second is that being attached leads to suffering. The last two are about the path to the cessation of suffering.
To me, it's simply another way to travel the path of forgiveness I'm talking about.
Life isn't fair. It's in a constant state of change. Death and birth. When we grasp on to something that isn't fair, our suffering intensifies. We can choose to stay in that grasping, clinging place - wishing things weren't the way they are. Or we can find a way to release that grasp.
God wants to give us his supernatural power to let go. To release our grasp. To forgive. But, we fear, and we grasp. And, according to the four pillars, this grasping is what leads to so much suffering.
No matter how tightly I grasp on to the truth that something isn't fair, isn't right, is painful, I can't change it. But, I don't think we can always let go on our own. Sometimes it's a surrender to a power greater than ourselves. And, that's a miracle!
There are miraculous healings happening all around us - where people are set free from their suffering, released from their torment of hatred towards themselves or others, unburied from a suffocating weight of regret, blame or fear.
I've witnessed these miracles. It's more beautiful that anything I can imagine. There's such power evident. It gives my faith a jump start - a renewed energy.
What jumped out at me was verse 3 "So Paul and Barnabas spent considerable time there, speaking boldly for the Lord, who confirmed the message of his grace by enabling them to do miraculous signs and wonders."
Really? How cool is that? Must be nice, aye? They tell people about the power of the risen Christ and then they do some miracles so they have some street cred.
If that's how God works, I should assume that's still possible. But, we don't believe it ourselves, so we wouldn't trust enough to ask for miracles.
When did that get so lost? So many of us simply "believe in God" and consider all of the bible stuff ancient history.
But Paul enters the story at the same point we do. So, where did his power come from? Same as ours. The power given by the holy spirit.
But I don't live as if that power is real. I'm skeptical, maybe even cynical. Yet, if I reflect, I've seen so many miracles!
So many lives transformed, redeemed, rescued, changed, lifted out of darkness.
That's probably why I like the book 'The Hiding Place" so much. Corrie Ten Boom talks about so many instances where she just had supernatural understanding, knowledge, protection, direction, power, strength, and ability.
But, did it protect her from suffering? Not at all!
She lost everything!
She lost her dignity, health, home, safety, and her loved ones. They were killed. They weren't protected. The miracles were not always the ones she desperately pleaded for. But, somehow, she continued to put her faith and TRUST in God!
And he led her to heal so many from the trauma of the war and the holocaust. She could not have been open to any of that had she simply looked at her own loss and pain and blamed it on God.
How in the world was she so strong?
That's true freedom.
Living in acceptance of the reality of the deep pain, yet being open to the continued possibility that God is good, can be trusted, and will guide her.
Oh, her story about forgiving that guard! She had absolutely no reason to forgive. She had no desire either. Everything in her held on and wanted to hate him. She couldn't even make herself want to forgive. But, she just asked the holy spirit to help her. And, she reached out her hand to shake his - and it was electric. The surge of the love of God went through her and literally gave her the supernatural power to love that unlovable person. She couldn't do it, but God could! And, although she resisted because she couldn't imagine letting this guy off the hook for all of the torment and torture, it was her own heart that was set free. She had never before experienced that depth of love. She let go of the hatred, blame, anger, and score card. She forgave. And it set her free!
Oh, that's the freedom we deeply desire! But it really is supernatural. We can't do it. Our minds and hearts hold on to grudges, hurts, and fear. How can we forgive? It seems to give permission to be hurt again! Often we just can't cognitively get to a place of forgiveness. But, I personally want the freedom of letting go of offense. I want the supernatural love that flows from a spirit that can't hate or fear.
It doesn't erase past suffering. It doesn't promise a future without suffering. But it releases the current suffering that tortures the soul while holding on to hate, fear and blame. That just suffocates. I want deep breaths of life. That can only come through a spirit of love. It just doesn't flow through a spirit of hate. Hate turns to bitterness. It feeds off negative. It searches for wrongs and injustices.
I won't ignore wrongs and injustices or pretend they don't exist. But I pray and hope that I can live a life of forgiveness and a flow of supernatural, miraculous love that is free to experience joy even when there's crap that is cruel, unfair, and hate-filled. I want to choose to acknowledge it, but not let it take over.
I've been listening to a podcast series about Buddhism. And it's interesting that this is the foundation of the Buddhist practice. The four noble truths. The first is that life brings suffering. The second is that being attached leads to suffering. The last two are about the path to the cessation of suffering.
To me, it's simply another way to travel the path of forgiveness I'm talking about.
Life isn't fair. It's in a constant state of change. Death and birth. When we grasp on to something that isn't fair, our suffering intensifies. We can choose to stay in that grasping, clinging place - wishing things weren't the way they are. Or we can find a way to release that grasp.
God wants to give us his supernatural power to let go. To release our grasp. To forgive. But, we fear, and we grasp. And, according to the four pillars, this grasping is what leads to so much suffering.
No matter how tightly I grasp on to the truth that something isn't fair, isn't right, is painful, I can't change it. But, I don't think we can always let go on our own. Sometimes it's a surrender to a power greater than ourselves. And, that's a miracle!
There are miraculous healings happening all around us - where people are set free from their suffering, released from their torment of hatred towards themselves or others, unburied from a suffocating weight of regret, blame or fear.
I've witnessed these miracles. It's more beautiful that anything I can imagine. There's such power evident. It gives my faith a jump start - a renewed energy.
Friday, March 1, 2019
Where is Jesus?
Reading about Paul's conversion.
There are 3 descriptions of it in Acts (chapters 9, 22, and 26)
And in Galations, Paul writes "The Gospel which I preach....came through the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1:11-12)
Paul NEVER DOUBTS this revelation.
The Christ he met was not the Christ in the flesh (Jesus); it was the Risen Christ, the Christ who is available to us now as Spirit.
YES!
I love this. I've always felt most drawn to Paul because he's entering the story where we are - after the death and resurrection of Jesus. Yes! He meets Jesus like we do - in Spirit.
Here Paul was, a devoted Jew who was assigned and authorized to capture anyone who was following Jesus' way. He saw the world in black and white. He was a "good guy" and Jesus followers were clearly the "bad guys".
Then he encounters the risen Christ.
And, the voice asks "Why are you persecuting ME?"
So Paul has to realize - these people he is persecuting ARE Jesus.
Think about how weird that must have been for him to consider and believe! How can it be?
He's persecuting PEOPLE, but Christ says he is persecuting THE CHRIST. How? In theory? In reality?
Then Paul never wavers.
And with the same loyal, driven, committed, passionate energy that he was pursuing to put to death this movement, he switches to a lifetime of work to protect, defend and spread the message of Christ. The gospel. The good news. The way. The truth. The life.
Why?
What was so good about this message? Why did it spread? What's the good news?
Paul spent every single bit of energy from every cell of his being for the rest of his life sharing this message.
Why????
He never met the human Jesus!!!
He met the risen Christ who showed him that PEOPLE make up CHRIST - that people are the power of good. People under the lordship of Christ have the power of the Lord of the universe. People submitted to his power can bring peace on earth.
This is the plan for saving the world!!
PEOPLE.
People submitted to Christ.
And Paul knew it wasn't about "Us and them" - but "All"! All are invited. All are welcomed, called, loved, accepted, invited, embraced, forgiven, empowered, set free. He expressed this with every breath he took. He never grew weary of sharing this good news.
How do we humans take such good news and make it ugly?
Wow.
Jesus was so clear about how He was not exclusively for any one group of people. He said things like "Whatever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters, you do to ME" (Matthew 25:40)
The least?
Do we consider some people to be greater and some lesser?
Heck yes we do.
We do it all the time! And the "least of these" doesn't simply mean people "with less".
Nope. It's the person I'm thinking of right now who I'm convinced has no good in them. Or I'm OK hating them or wishing them harm. It's enemies. It's "those people".
It doesn't take me long to identify who comes to mind as "those people" who I wish would get what's coming to them - or I wish they would figure out how horrible they are, etc.
I think about politicians, or people in power who are greedy, cruel, not compassionate, rude and self promoting, like our President.
I think about people who have gotten guns and killed masses of people.
I think of all the people who refuse to acknowledge that the majority of Americans want to make an effort to reduce these mass shootings by trying to establish some laws around how people come to possess a firearm. And they refuse to acknowledge this because they FEAR losing financial support from an organization that has money and power but does not represent the majority of Americans.
And I think about those who fall into the minority - who actually do fear that if we put some guidelines in place that help us attempt to help those with mental illness by identifying problems rather than issuing a gun, then we somehow are on a "slippery slope" of the government taking all guns away.
I think about religious people who proclaim faith in Jesus but are filled with fear, hate, and judgement. I think about some of these religious people who have a voice in our media and express things that horrify me - but they do it in the name of our sweet Jesus. And it turns people away from Jesus.
Oh, I could go on and on and on.
I think about people who are involved in trafficking girls for sex, people who believe that poor people just need to work harder to stop being poor, people who look down at immigrants as "less than" when we all immigrated to this country.
UGH!
I'll stop.
Breathe.
So, if these are the people who come to my mind when I think of "the least" - Jesus tells me that whatever I do to them, I do to Him.
So, HE is in each of THEM.
He's not just in those who I like to think of as the "good guys".
He's in those I like to classify as the "bad guys".
He's in each person. But, instead of spreading THAT good news and praying for people to find the joy of being in submission to Jesus as Lord - we just keep dividing ourselves into us/them, good/bad, right/wrong, worthy/unworthy, in/out, etc.
Jesus said to Paul, when you persecute PEOPLE, you persecute ME.
Jesus in his humanity said - what you do to PEOPLE you do to ME.
Why can't we get this? All people. Not just the "good guys".
Christ in me and in others. He wants me to SEE him in others.
It's a mystery.
It's weird.
It's supernatural.
That's why Paul is always saying weird stuff like "You have been raised with Christ, you died, your life is hidden with Christ in God."
What? What is that supposed to mean exactly? Was he just talking crazy?
I don't think so.
He encountered the risen Christ!
Christ showed him that He is alive in people and people can choose to submit to him and have power that is good.
Christ isn't wandering around "out there" somewhere - waiting to be invited into a place or person.
He always has been and always will be.
Colossians 1:15-20 is all about this! And its AWESOME!
It's overwhelming to think - "what should I do about this?"
I know I can continue to ask for Christ to show me things through His eyes. And I can love 'the least of these" in a supernatural way that I'm not capable of in my own spirit.
But, after listening to a message last weekend about being a "difference maker", I really need to keep asking what that means.
What does that look like?
In the message, he listed the steps :
1 - Feel a burden
2 - Have a broken heart
3 - Turn burdens into action (pray and plan)
Sometimes I get stuck on having a broken heart. It's too painful and I hate the pain.
So I feel a burden, I get sad, then that turns to anger or apathy and I'm done.
My typical thought is "what can I really do about it?"
Allowing it to break my heart makes it personal.
Shedding tears over it makes me uncomfortable.
Feeling it makes it real.
I'm not good at that part.
So, maybe that's my answer?
Let some of these things hurt me. Shed tears. Feel it.
Then maybe I would be invested in taking action.
There are 3 descriptions of it in Acts (chapters 9, 22, and 26)
And in Galations, Paul writes "The Gospel which I preach....came through the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1:11-12)
Paul NEVER DOUBTS this revelation.
The Christ he met was not the Christ in the flesh (Jesus); it was the Risen Christ, the Christ who is available to us now as Spirit.
YES!
I love this. I've always felt most drawn to Paul because he's entering the story where we are - after the death and resurrection of Jesus. Yes! He meets Jesus like we do - in Spirit.
Here Paul was, a devoted Jew who was assigned and authorized to capture anyone who was following Jesus' way. He saw the world in black and white. He was a "good guy" and Jesus followers were clearly the "bad guys".
Then he encounters the risen Christ.
And, the voice asks "Why are you persecuting ME?"
So Paul has to realize - these people he is persecuting ARE Jesus.
Think about how weird that must have been for him to consider and believe! How can it be?
He's persecuting PEOPLE, but Christ says he is persecuting THE CHRIST. How? In theory? In reality?
Then Paul never wavers.
And with the same loyal, driven, committed, passionate energy that he was pursuing to put to death this movement, he switches to a lifetime of work to protect, defend and spread the message of Christ. The gospel. The good news. The way. The truth. The life.
Why?
What was so good about this message? Why did it spread? What's the good news?
Paul spent every single bit of energy from every cell of his being for the rest of his life sharing this message.
Why????
He never met the human Jesus!!!
He met the risen Christ who showed him that PEOPLE make up CHRIST - that people are the power of good. People under the lordship of Christ have the power of the Lord of the universe. People submitted to his power can bring peace on earth.
This is the plan for saving the world!!
PEOPLE.
People submitted to Christ.
And Paul knew it wasn't about "Us and them" - but "All"! All are invited. All are welcomed, called, loved, accepted, invited, embraced, forgiven, empowered, set free. He expressed this with every breath he took. He never grew weary of sharing this good news.
How do we humans take such good news and make it ugly?
Wow.
Jesus was so clear about how He was not exclusively for any one group of people. He said things like "Whatever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters, you do to ME" (Matthew 25:40)
The least?
Do we consider some people to be greater and some lesser?
Heck yes we do.
We do it all the time! And the "least of these" doesn't simply mean people "with less".
Nope. It's the person I'm thinking of right now who I'm convinced has no good in them. Or I'm OK hating them or wishing them harm. It's enemies. It's "those people".
It doesn't take me long to identify who comes to mind as "those people" who I wish would get what's coming to them - or I wish they would figure out how horrible they are, etc.
I think about politicians, or people in power who are greedy, cruel, not compassionate, rude and self promoting, like our President.
I think about people who have gotten guns and killed masses of people.
I think of all the people who refuse to acknowledge that the majority of Americans want to make an effort to reduce these mass shootings by trying to establish some laws around how people come to possess a firearm. And they refuse to acknowledge this because they FEAR losing financial support from an organization that has money and power but does not represent the majority of Americans.
And I think about those who fall into the minority - who actually do fear that if we put some guidelines in place that help us attempt to help those with mental illness by identifying problems rather than issuing a gun, then we somehow are on a "slippery slope" of the government taking all guns away.
I think about religious people who proclaim faith in Jesus but are filled with fear, hate, and judgement. I think about some of these religious people who have a voice in our media and express things that horrify me - but they do it in the name of our sweet Jesus. And it turns people away from Jesus.
Oh, I could go on and on and on.
I think about people who are involved in trafficking girls for sex, people who believe that poor people just need to work harder to stop being poor, people who look down at immigrants as "less than" when we all immigrated to this country.
UGH!
I'll stop.
Breathe.
So, if these are the people who come to my mind when I think of "the least" - Jesus tells me that whatever I do to them, I do to Him.
So, HE is in each of THEM.
He's not just in those who I like to think of as the "good guys".
He's in those I like to classify as the "bad guys".
He's in each person. But, instead of spreading THAT good news and praying for people to find the joy of being in submission to Jesus as Lord - we just keep dividing ourselves into us/them, good/bad, right/wrong, worthy/unworthy, in/out, etc.
Jesus said to Paul, when you persecute PEOPLE, you persecute ME.
Jesus in his humanity said - what you do to PEOPLE you do to ME.
Why can't we get this? All people. Not just the "good guys".
Christ in me and in others. He wants me to SEE him in others.
It's a mystery.
It's weird.
It's supernatural.
That's why Paul is always saying weird stuff like "You have been raised with Christ, you died, your life is hidden with Christ in God."
What? What is that supposed to mean exactly? Was he just talking crazy?
I don't think so.
He encountered the risen Christ!
Christ showed him that He is alive in people and people can choose to submit to him and have power that is good.
Christ isn't wandering around "out there" somewhere - waiting to be invited into a place or person.
He always has been and always will be.
Colossians 1:15-20 is all about this! And its AWESOME!
It's overwhelming to think - "what should I do about this?"
I know I can continue to ask for Christ to show me things through His eyes. And I can love 'the least of these" in a supernatural way that I'm not capable of in my own spirit.
But, after listening to a message last weekend about being a "difference maker", I really need to keep asking what that means.
What does that look like?
In the message, he listed the steps :
1 - Feel a burden
2 - Have a broken heart
3 - Turn burdens into action (pray and plan)
Sometimes I get stuck on having a broken heart. It's too painful and I hate the pain.
So I feel a burden, I get sad, then that turns to anger or apathy and I'm done.
My typical thought is "what can I really do about it?"
Allowing it to break my heart makes it personal.
Shedding tears over it makes me uncomfortable.
Feeling it makes it real.
I'm not good at that part.
So, maybe that's my answer?
Let some of these things hurt me. Shed tears. Feel it.
Then maybe I would be invested in taking action.
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Our energy in this world
More rambling thoughts as I sit in quiet and ask God for revelation and truth. Journal entry from Feb 12, 2019.
Reading last night one thing jumped out at me about the fact that we have energy we put out into the world - and it can be positive or negative energy.
And it's weird because just yesterday I felt like I reminded myself several times to shift and choose to bring an energy of peace and love into my body and to emanate it out.
I think about those videos I've seen where people's words and anger affect their physical environment. Like, food rots and turns brown or rice gets black and moldy. But, it's more than simply angry words. It's changing the energy that surrounds me by emitting love.
We were created to love and to be loved.
And when negative energy, fear, anger, condemnation, hate, etc creeps in, we find ourselves separated from what we were created for.
Love.
And with love comes peace, kindness, patience, gentleness, joy, contentment, courage, and compassion.
We need to meditate and choose positive energy. Choose to be filled with love and good. Choose to acknowledge the power of love. Not just for others' - but for ourselves.
We flourish when we love and are loved.
So, the fact that God is love and can't do or be anything bu love - of course I want more and more and more of the Spirit of God in my life.
It's fullness, freedom and purpose for me.
It makes me experience wholeness, acceptance, unconditional acceptance for who I really am, and it changes me.
I don't want to be angry, judgmental, jealous, unforgiving, afraid, selfish and insecure.
When I continually fill up and choose to accept the unconditional love and positive energy of God - that negative stuff loses it's power and gets pushed out.
I get transformed. But it's a constant choice.
The negative creeps in, I recognize it, I "take it captive" and identify it as destructive. I invite more love, truth, positive, good - and I trust that it's real and powerful. And the negative can not co-exist with the good and positive.
It loses!
Victory!
But then it just keeps happening.
So it becomes a practice. Anything I want to become good at, I need to practice. The more I practice, the more natural it becomes.
So, every day I begin by surrendering all of my negative or selfish energy and accepting the pure, good, positive energy of my creator. I empty myself. And I fill up on love. Then I fill up more. Until I feel I'm overflowing.
Then I ask for wisdom, guidance, perspective and understanding. I want eyes to see like love sees. I want a heart drawn to love.
Then so many times throughout my day I catch myself slipping, either slowly or abruptly into those negative, selfish, unloving thoughts. When I don't catch myself, I end up distracted or anxious or annoyed or critical of myself and others or fearful about the future or ashamed that I'm not enough, etc.
And, it's not that I want to cover up those thoughts and feelings. Maybe those thoughts are somewhat legit and are trying to tell me something. But, if I catch myself in the negative, I get to stop and choose love. I get to pull myself out of the negative and ask for perspective that is not condemning.
Because condemnation gets me nowhere.
It just feed on itself and creates more negative. It doesn't bring anything positive.
It's a dead end.
But, man this negative energy is a liar!
It can lure me in deep.
It tells me that my anger has power and that my judgement of others lifts me up out of my own shame.
It tells me that I need to worry and fret or things won't get done.
It tells me that if I believe I'm good, and that I'm enough, and that I don't need to earn my worthiness - then I'll just be lazy and apathetic.
It lies, and lies, and lies.
But, I know the truth!
And I know that love and truth always wins!
The lies are evil and destructive. And Jesus destroyed evil. He destroyed sin. He offered me power over evil and sin. He offers himself to me. To demonstrate that power, he even overcame violence and death.
He shook off death and came back smiling. He showed that his power is not subject to negative, evil, sinful forces.
And I get to receive that power of love and good and truth!
I get to invite that spirit in and allow it to grow and dominate and push out the negative.
Yes please!
I'll take more of that.
Thank you.
Reading last night one thing jumped out at me about the fact that we have energy we put out into the world - and it can be positive or negative energy.
And it's weird because just yesterday I felt like I reminded myself several times to shift and choose to bring an energy of peace and love into my body and to emanate it out.
I think about those videos I've seen where people's words and anger affect their physical environment. Like, food rots and turns brown or rice gets black and moldy. But, it's more than simply angry words. It's changing the energy that surrounds me by emitting love.
We were created to love and to be loved.
And when negative energy, fear, anger, condemnation, hate, etc creeps in, we find ourselves separated from what we were created for.
Love.
And with love comes peace, kindness, patience, gentleness, joy, contentment, courage, and compassion.
We need to meditate and choose positive energy. Choose to be filled with love and good. Choose to acknowledge the power of love. Not just for others' - but for ourselves.
We flourish when we love and are loved.
So, the fact that God is love and can't do or be anything bu love - of course I want more and more and more of the Spirit of God in my life.
It's fullness, freedom and purpose for me.
It makes me experience wholeness, acceptance, unconditional acceptance for who I really am, and it changes me.
I don't want to be angry, judgmental, jealous, unforgiving, afraid, selfish and insecure.
When I continually fill up and choose to accept the unconditional love and positive energy of God - that negative stuff loses it's power and gets pushed out.
I get transformed. But it's a constant choice.
The negative creeps in, I recognize it, I "take it captive" and identify it as destructive. I invite more love, truth, positive, good - and I trust that it's real and powerful. And the negative can not co-exist with the good and positive.
It loses!
Victory!
But then it just keeps happening.
So it becomes a practice. Anything I want to become good at, I need to practice. The more I practice, the more natural it becomes.
So, every day I begin by surrendering all of my negative or selfish energy and accepting the pure, good, positive energy of my creator. I empty myself. And I fill up on love. Then I fill up more. Until I feel I'm overflowing.
Then I ask for wisdom, guidance, perspective and understanding. I want eyes to see like love sees. I want a heart drawn to love.
Then so many times throughout my day I catch myself slipping, either slowly or abruptly into those negative, selfish, unloving thoughts. When I don't catch myself, I end up distracted or anxious or annoyed or critical of myself and others or fearful about the future or ashamed that I'm not enough, etc.
And, it's not that I want to cover up those thoughts and feelings. Maybe those thoughts are somewhat legit and are trying to tell me something. But, if I catch myself in the negative, I get to stop and choose love. I get to pull myself out of the negative and ask for perspective that is not condemning.
Because condemnation gets me nowhere.
It just feed on itself and creates more negative. It doesn't bring anything positive.
It's a dead end.
But, man this negative energy is a liar!
It can lure me in deep.
It tells me that my anger has power and that my judgement of others lifts me up out of my own shame.
It tells me that I need to worry and fret or things won't get done.
It tells me that if I believe I'm good, and that I'm enough, and that I don't need to earn my worthiness - then I'll just be lazy and apathetic.
It lies, and lies, and lies.
But, I know the truth!
And I know that love and truth always wins!
The lies are evil and destructive. And Jesus destroyed evil. He destroyed sin. He offered me power over evil and sin. He offers himself to me. To demonstrate that power, he even overcame violence and death.
He shook off death and came back smiling. He showed that his power is not subject to negative, evil, sinful forces.
And I get to receive that power of love and good and truth!
I get to invite that spirit in and allow it to grow and dominate and push out the negative.
Yes please!
I'll take more of that.
Thank you.
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Asking better questions
Since someone encouraged me to write more, here is my journal entry from Feb 8, 2019
Reading Acts 12.
I read some of this and I'm not sure I believe it is actual historical truth.
So, again, I ask better questions.
I don't necessarily need to know if the account of Peter escaping from prison is accurate, do I? What I really want to know is, why was this story recorded? What can I learn from it? What do you want me to know?
Some things that jump out at me - Herod had James put to death and "because this pleased the Jews, he proceeded to seize Peter also."
How disgusting that an execution pleased the Jews. I'm not categorizing an entire religion or race - but rather seeing how easy it is to gravitate to an us/them mindset and to actually celebrate death because it's one of "them".
How is it that we're capable of that?
Do I do that?
Is there ever a "them" that I see suffer or die and I celebrate?
Either openly, or secretly?
What if I take it down a notch and just make it a bit more relatable. Do I ever celebrate because someone gets punished? Fails at something? Get's what is "coming to them"?
That's me wanting judgement on others and it's exactly what God warns us not to do. He knows we will be tempted to judge. In the creation story - He says not to eat from the tree of "the knowledge of good and evil". But we crave that fruit. We want to be the judge of good and evil. We want to create an us/them where we are good but "they" are not. That's why God commanded us to stay away!
As startling as it is for me to read the account where James is put to death "by a sword" and it pleased people - it reveals something in me.
The last thing in this chapter that jumps out at me is "immediately, because Herod did not give praise to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died."
REALLY?
And that's it? Nothing else is said about this insanity?
Did this really happen? And does God send angels to strike people down? And why the graphic and disgusting details about being eaten by worms? What in the world?!
Knowing that Jesus is the full revelation of God, and knowing the character of Jesus, this doesn't seem to line up with God's character to me.
So, is it more of a warning that if we continually elevate ourselves above God - even leading others to deny and mock God - the consequences are not good?
Is it a compare and contrast story? Peter humbles himself to the will of God, even in prison where he is held captive for no reason. But things go well for him because he remains humble to the power of God. Whereas, Herod mocks God and things don't go well for him at all. Maybe that is the message I should take away?
Although, it's not like Peter has smooth sailing and a life of luxury without suffering because of his dedication to God. Nope. He ends up crucified.
But, even in his execution, he honors God. It's believed that he requests to be crucified upside down since he wouldn't feel worthy of the same death as Jesus.
That's an honorable death, where he willingly submits to it. Not like being "struck down and eaten by worms".
I don't know for sure. But I like asking better questions.
Reading Acts 12.
I read some of this and I'm not sure I believe it is actual historical truth.
So, again, I ask better questions.
I don't necessarily need to know if the account of Peter escaping from prison is accurate, do I? What I really want to know is, why was this story recorded? What can I learn from it? What do you want me to know?
Some things that jump out at me - Herod had James put to death and "because this pleased the Jews, he proceeded to seize Peter also."
How disgusting that an execution pleased the Jews. I'm not categorizing an entire religion or race - but rather seeing how easy it is to gravitate to an us/them mindset and to actually celebrate death because it's one of "them".
How is it that we're capable of that?
Do I do that?
Is there ever a "them" that I see suffer or die and I celebrate?
Either openly, or secretly?
What if I take it down a notch and just make it a bit more relatable. Do I ever celebrate because someone gets punished? Fails at something? Get's what is "coming to them"?
That's me wanting judgement on others and it's exactly what God warns us not to do. He knows we will be tempted to judge. In the creation story - He says not to eat from the tree of "the knowledge of good and evil". But we crave that fruit. We want to be the judge of good and evil. We want to create an us/them where we are good but "they" are not. That's why God commanded us to stay away!
As startling as it is for me to read the account where James is put to death "by a sword" and it pleased people - it reveals something in me.
The last thing in this chapter that jumps out at me is "immediately, because Herod did not give praise to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died."
REALLY?
And that's it? Nothing else is said about this insanity?
Did this really happen? And does God send angels to strike people down? And why the graphic and disgusting details about being eaten by worms? What in the world?!
Knowing that Jesus is the full revelation of God, and knowing the character of Jesus, this doesn't seem to line up with God's character to me.
So, is it more of a warning that if we continually elevate ourselves above God - even leading others to deny and mock God - the consequences are not good?
Is it a compare and contrast story? Peter humbles himself to the will of God, even in prison where he is held captive for no reason. But things go well for him because he remains humble to the power of God. Whereas, Herod mocks God and things don't go well for him at all. Maybe that is the message I should take away?
Although, it's not like Peter has smooth sailing and a life of luxury without suffering because of his dedication to God. Nope. He ends up crucified.
But, even in his execution, he honors God. It's believed that he requests to be crucified upside down since he wouldn't feel worthy of the same death as Jesus.
That's an honorable death, where he willingly submits to it. Not like being "struck down and eaten by worms".
I don't know for sure. But I like asking better questions.
Friday, February 8, 2019
Questioning Everything
Sometimes I feel like such a contrarian. I don't actively oppose everything, but I sure do question everything.
So, fair warning if you read any of my posts. The way I seem to learn and grow is by wrestling, arguing, doubting, questioning, pushing.
I journal every day and for some reason I feel a nudge to share some journal entries here.
Usually my jounaling is just my conversations with God.
January 28: Started reading the 40 day prayer challenge. I have to be honest. The whole concept of praying can rub me the wrong way. I even bristle at the idea of circling something in prayer. Because you know my heart and you are good and you want good for each person. Why would you be waiting for me to articulate to you my heart's desires before you act on something?
That's weird.
But, I also know it's a defense mechanism that I've leaned on my entire life - don't get my hopes up too much and I won't be as disappointed if things don't go as I hoped. And I also think about the many people who will starve to death today, or die from lack of clean water, or from disease. I think about horrible accidents that leave loved ones brain injured, paralyzed, or dead. I think of random catastrophic events like a parent losing a child to drowning or to violence. I think of mass shooters or accidental gun shots. Am I to believe prayer would somehow change your plans for "allowing" all of this horrible tragedy?
So, yah. I have some hang-ups about prayer. But, I do know and believe that drawing close to you daily and aligning my life with the flow of your spirit rather than my own desires can lead to amazing things. I do trust that you guide and that you want to bring good and that you can reveal things to me that I would never see on my own.
For that reason, I believe in daily meditation. Aligning my spirit with yours. Surrendering. Trusting. Saying yes to promptings in my spirit. Your plans are much better than mine. Greater. So, I do understand prayer in that way. But I struggle to understand my own persistent prayer for something obvious. Like, of course I want my kids protected. Of course I want healing and hope for my friends who are suffering. Of course I want health for myself and my family. Of course I want my loved ones to know your peace.
What I seem to lack is vision for how you plan to involve me in your plans for good. So, when I pray, I desire to be filled by your spirit, aligned with your good plans, and guided into divine appointments and choices that lead to more good happening. Because you are good. Your plans are good. I pray for eyes to see how I can be aligned with your plans.
I breathe you in. I sit. I receive. I fill up on your spirit. May it overflow from me to the world. May you shine through the cracks in my heart and reveal your light where I would be dark. Show me. Give me eyes to see your divine opportunities to love. Help me to slow down and choose to love others deeply.
I know that opening myself up to vulnerability is the key to unlocking love. Help me to not self protect. Help me to love radically and not to be tempted to keep it cool or whatever weird thing I do. I want to love radically.
January 29
Great. I really don't like reading about, contemplating, or discussing end times, Jesus' return, end of the world, etc.
Yet that's what our discussion is tonight for group. So, I guess I will trust that you want us to gain something from it. Otherwise I would just advise us to skip this one.
Give me your grace, love and truth if people look to me for understanding. Because this just doesn't inspire me at all. Part of me doubts that it's true in the way we interpret it - but mostly I just don't care. I'm not motivated by some future return of Jesus. I'm motivated comforted, and inspired by his past and current involvement in my life.
Maybe that because I'm comfortable in this present life. So, hope of the future deliverance doesn't carry much power for me personally.
And, honestly, it just sounds so weird. Not that other stories in the bible aren't weird - there are plenty. But, this one stumps me beyond all others. If Jesus comes back with trumpet calls, why bother letting all of the false prophets have their time trying to deceive us? It's just a really tough story for me to be inspired by.
Yet, I do believe Jesus' death and resurrection was a victory over evil and that we're living in a weird time of waiting for the earth to align with that reality.
So, everything I believe is pretty weird. Why does this particular story stretch me?
Maybe my imagination is weak. So it just seems absurd.
Just being honest. Not too excited to lead this discussion tonight. Please reveal something to me that can lead our discussion honestly into truth, hope and love.
January 31
Reading Acts 9 - I get caught up in the weirdness and it makes me feel skeptical.
Just being honest.
The whole chapter is riddled with weird and unbelievable stories; accounts of events that I just a difficult time swallowing as real and true.
First is just the radical conversion of Saul to Paul. It's such a short account - so matter of fact. He goes from being the persecutor, murderer, condemner to preaching Jesus' Gospel in just 18 verses. Then he grows powerful and has followers - just like that.
At least in 9:20 it reveals that when he went to Jerusalem, the disciples were afraid of him and didn't believe. That adds some credibility to the story.
But, even Ananias (backing up to vs 1-18) Really? He just hears from God and obeys and goes to this murderer? What the? Who would do that for real?
Next, we end the chapter with Peter going to a home and telling a dead woman to get up, and she does?! I'm sorry, I just have a hard time..oh wait..first he tells a paralytic who has been bedridden for 8 years to pick up his mat - and the guy gets up and does it.
Deep breath. Sigh. smh
Do I believe this happened? If I'm honest, I don't think I believe it. But, maybe it's just my fear. I'm afraid that if I truly believe in this level of power, I would need to change how I pray and what I hope for with my prayer? I just do not have faith that my prayers have the power to heal. There, I admitted it. I can't not be honest. I just can't get it. Why would you choose to heal arbitrarily? It's cruel. If you can heal, and you know the pleading hearts of those suffering, then heal. Would you really wait for a person, a human, to look to you and ask the right way or say the right words or express it enough times or have enough faith, or want it bad enough?
Eww.
That isn't kind or loving. It doesn't align with your character of being all good and all loving. So, yah, I struggle to believe some of this stuff.
So, what do I do with it then?
I guess I ask, what do you want me to know, learn, and see when I read these accounts, Lord?
....I want you to know that I AM. I am all powerful, capable, and good. I'm a mystery. You must learn to live in the tension. Just because you can't explain or rationalize it doesn't mean it's not true. I am all good. I want good things. Always. You won't pray for big things that could leave you disappointed and discouraged if they don't go the way you hoped. Your defense is to protect your faith by not getting your hopes up for something that may not happen. This protects you from some pain and disappointment, but it also severs your connection to big dreams, big hopes, and a big God. It is fueled by fear and it breeds apathy or even cynicism.
For you, to be vulnerable is to hope and dream big. But that's scary for you because you feel you're setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment.
It's simple - expect less and be always impressed by abundance. Expect abundance and risk being left disappointed.
It seems like such a good mindset. It truly keeps my heart grateful. I don't expect to live and breathe and have my health today - so I receive it as a precious and abundant gift to cherish! Any good that comes to me feels like an abundant outpouring of mercy and grace. I don't expect it.
If I start to dream, and pray with expectation that you will do abundantly more that I can even ask or imagine, I feel I will risk living in a state of disappointment rather than awe and wonder.
Am I crazy?
What do you want me to do about this?
I know you never want me to live out of fear. And I know you want me to see how big, good, and trustworthy you are.
And I do.
But, when I lack faith/belief that healings occurred (occur) because it threatens my rational understanding of you - how is that limiting me?
You know what my desire is before I say it. Why would you choose to act on something merely because I was diligent in my effort to bring it up to you?
That just makes me mad. And confused.
Because it makes me wonder why you would act on one thing BECAUSE of a person's prayer - but then not act on other things, in spite of faithful, trusting, persistent, heartfelt prayer.
That doesn't feel like a good father.
So, of course I avoid digging too deeply into this topic because I like my current strategy.
But, I do feel like you're tapping me on the shoulder and gently asking me to see how my self protection is limiting what you have for me and how I can push into this a bit.
There you have it. I warned you. I pretty much question God constantly. And I argue a bit. And He is always faithful to allow me to wrestle. He meets my questioning with love and gentleness.
Maybe I'll keep sharing some of my journal entries. I'm pushing into this prayer thing and opening myself up to whatever God is revealing.
I will say that I didn't lead my group through the topic that was uninspiring. Instead I switched gears and we talked about what our lives could look like if we lived without fear. I didn't avoid a "hard topic". I just chose to share something that was energizing and inspiring me. It was a great conversation.
So, fair warning if you read any of my posts. The way I seem to learn and grow is by wrestling, arguing, doubting, questioning, pushing.
I journal every day and for some reason I feel a nudge to share some journal entries here.
Usually my jounaling is just my conversations with God.
January 28: Started reading the 40 day prayer challenge. I have to be honest. The whole concept of praying can rub me the wrong way. I even bristle at the idea of circling something in prayer. Because you know my heart and you are good and you want good for each person. Why would you be waiting for me to articulate to you my heart's desires before you act on something?
That's weird.
But, I also know it's a defense mechanism that I've leaned on my entire life - don't get my hopes up too much and I won't be as disappointed if things don't go as I hoped. And I also think about the many people who will starve to death today, or die from lack of clean water, or from disease. I think about horrible accidents that leave loved ones brain injured, paralyzed, or dead. I think of random catastrophic events like a parent losing a child to drowning or to violence. I think of mass shooters or accidental gun shots. Am I to believe prayer would somehow change your plans for "allowing" all of this horrible tragedy?
So, yah. I have some hang-ups about prayer. But, I do know and believe that drawing close to you daily and aligning my life with the flow of your spirit rather than my own desires can lead to amazing things. I do trust that you guide and that you want to bring good and that you can reveal things to me that I would never see on my own.
For that reason, I believe in daily meditation. Aligning my spirit with yours. Surrendering. Trusting. Saying yes to promptings in my spirit. Your plans are much better than mine. Greater. So, I do understand prayer in that way. But I struggle to understand my own persistent prayer for something obvious. Like, of course I want my kids protected. Of course I want healing and hope for my friends who are suffering. Of course I want health for myself and my family. Of course I want my loved ones to know your peace.
What I seem to lack is vision for how you plan to involve me in your plans for good. So, when I pray, I desire to be filled by your spirit, aligned with your good plans, and guided into divine appointments and choices that lead to more good happening. Because you are good. Your plans are good. I pray for eyes to see how I can be aligned with your plans.
I breathe you in. I sit. I receive. I fill up on your spirit. May it overflow from me to the world. May you shine through the cracks in my heart and reveal your light where I would be dark. Show me. Give me eyes to see your divine opportunities to love. Help me to slow down and choose to love others deeply.
I know that opening myself up to vulnerability is the key to unlocking love. Help me to not self protect. Help me to love radically and not to be tempted to keep it cool or whatever weird thing I do. I want to love radically.
January 29
Great. I really don't like reading about, contemplating, or discussing end times, Jesus' return, end of the world, etc.
Yet that's what our discussion is tonight for group. So, I guess I will trust that you want us to gain something from it. Otherwise I would just advise us to skip this one.
Give me your grace, love and truth if people look to me for understanding. Because this just doesn't inspire me at all. Part of me doubts that it's true in the way we interpret it - but mostly I just don't care. I'm not motivated by some future return of Jesus. I'm motivated comforted, and inspired by his past and current involvement in my life.
Maybe that because I'm comfortable in this present life. So, hope of the future deliverance doesn't carry much power for me personally.
And, honestly, it just sounds so weird. Not that other stories in the bible aren't weird - there are plenty. But, this one stumps me beyond all others. If Jesus comes back with trumpet calls, why bother letting all of the false prophets have their time trying to deceive us? It's just a really tough story for me to be inspired by.
Yet, I do believe Jesus' death and resurrection was a victory over evil and that we're living in a weird time of waiting for the earth to align with that reality.
So, everything I believe is pretty weird. Why does this particular story stretch me?
Maybe my imagination is weak. So it just seems absurd.
Just being honest. Not too excited to lead this discussion tonight. Please reveal something to me that can lead our discussion honestly into truth, hope and love.
January 31
Reading Acts 9 - I get caught up in the weirdness and it makes me feel skeptical.
Just being honest.
The whole chapter is riddled with weird and unbelievable stories; accounts of events that I just a difficult time swallowing as real and true.
First is just the radical conversion of Saul to Paul. It's such a short account - so matter of fact. He goes from being the persecutor, murderer, condemner to preaching Jesus' Gospel in just 18 verses. Then he grows powerful and has followers - just like that.
At least in 9:20 it reveals that when he went to Jerusalem, the disciples were afraid of him and didn't believe. That adds some credibility to the story.
But, even Ananias (backing up to vs 1-18) Really? He just hears from God and obeys and goes to this murderer? What the? Who would do that for real?
Next, we end the chapter with Peter going to a home and telling a dead woman to get up, and she does?! I'm sorry, I just have a hard time..oh wait..first he tells a paralytic who has been bedridden for 8 years to pick up his mat - and the guy gets up and does it.
Deep breath. Sigh. smh
Do I believe this happened? If I'm honest, I don't think I believe it. But, maybe it's just my fear. I'm afraid that if I truly believe in this level of power, I would need to change how I pray and what I hope for with my prayer? I just do not have faith that my prayers have the power to heal. There, I admitted it. I can't not be honest. I just can't get it. Why would you choose to heal arbitrarily? It's cruel. If you can heal, and you know the pleading hearts of those suffering, then heal. Would you really wait for a person, a human, to look to you and ask the right way or say the right words or express it enough times or have enough faith, or want it bad enough?
Eww.
That isn't kind or loving. It doesn't align with your character of being all good and all loving. So, yah, I struggle to believe some of this stuff.
So, what do I do with it then?
I guess I ask, what do you want me to know, learn, and see when I read these accounts, Lord?
....I want you to know that I AM. I am all powerful, capable, and good. I'm a mystery. You must learn to live in the tension. Just because you can't explain or rationalize it doesn't mean it's not true. I am all good. I want good things. Always. You won't pray for big things that could leave you disappointed and discouraged if they don't go the way you hoped. Your defense is to protect your faith by not getting your hopes up for something that may not happen. This protects you from some pain and disappointment, but it also severs your connection to big dreams, big hopes, and a big God. It is fueled by fear and it breeds apathy or even cynicism.
For you, to be vulnerable is to hope and dream big. But that's scary for you because you feel you're setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment.
It's simple - expect less and be always impressed by abundance. Expect abundance and risk being left disappointed.
It seems like such a good mindset. It truly keeps my heart grateful. I don't expect to live and breathe and have my health today - so I receive it as a precious and abundant gift to cherish! Any good that comes to me feels like an abundant outpouring of mercy and grace. I don't expect it.
If I start to dream, and pray with expectation that you will do abundantly more that I can even ask or imagine, I feel I will risk living in a state of disappointment rather than awe and wonder.
Am I crazy?
What do you want me to do about this?
I know you never want me to live out of fear. And I know you want me to see how big, good, and trustworthy you are.
And I do.
But, when I lack faith/belief that healings occurred (occur) because it threatens my rational understanding of you - how is that limiting me?
You know what my desire is before I say it. Why would you choose to act on something merely because I was diligent in my effort to bring it up to you?
That just makes me mad. And confused.
Because it makes me wonder why you would act on one thing BECAUSE of a person's prayer - but then not act on other things, in spite of faithful, trusting, persistent, heartfelt prayer.
That doesn't feel like a good father.
So, of course I avoid digging too deeply into this topic because I like my current strategy.
But, I do feel like you're tapping me on the shoulder and gently asking me to see how my self protection is limiting what you have for me and how I can push into this a bit.
There you have it. I warned you. I pretty much question God constantly. And I argue a bit. And He is always faithful to allow me to wrestle. He meets my questioning with love and gentleness.
Maybe I'll keep sharing some of my journal entries. I'm pushing into this prayer thing and opening myself up to whatever God is revealing.
I will say that I didn't lead my group through the topic that was uninspiring. Instead I switched gears and we talked about what our lives could look like if we lived without fear. I didn't avoid a "hard topic". I just chose to share something that was energizing and inspiring me. It was a great conversation.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Is God a mean jerk?
I don't normally do this when reading the bible, but today I actually googled whether a story included in Acts 5 is historically true.
It's the story of Ananias and Sapphira.
I was reading a few things on the google, going down that rabbit hole of opinion, research, data.
And that's when I realized it didn't really matter to me if it was an historically accurate account of events or a legend, a myth, a story.
I'm curious if it really happened.
But, the better question couldn't be silenced.
The better question kept creeping into my mind as I searched for historical proof of the event.
That better question is: How am I like Ananias and Sapphira and what can I learn from this story?
That question quickly draws me to the holy spirit and reveals things that convict my heart. It makes me think about my motivation for doing things and about whether I'm honest with God.
Then more questions come.
Do I sometimes serve because I think it looks like the right thing to do? Do I present myself to God highlighting my best behavior, trying to impress? Or am I just myself- honest about the parts that are selfish, greedy, stingy, untrusting? Do I sometimes find pride in my financial contributions to the church or ministries - even thinking "many people don't give this high of a percentage."
Here's the thing.
Why is this story recorded in Acts?
Why am I reading this 2000 years later?
Is it to have an accurate historical account of exactly what happened in the early church?
Or could it be a way to open up my heart to a better understanding of myself and of God?
Sure, it could be both.
But, if I get stuck in the train of thought that simply searches for proof that this is exactly how an historical event happened, I could miss EVERYTHING!
I believe I could read this same account many times throughout my life and discover something different each time - IF I ask good questions.
Better questions.
God, what do you want me to know? Learn? Hear?
And to take it one question further...
What do you want me to do? Say? Change?
I remember reading this story before and thinking: Is God a mean jerk? Is God unforgiving? Could there be a side to God that is intolerant of shortcomings? Isn't God forgiving and good?
Those were the things I was wrestling with at the time. I wasn't sure if I really could trust God and if he really was good. So, this story invited me in to wrestle with my doubts and fears. It gave me the opportunity to face these scary questions and to boldly search for answers.
I guess my point is - when reading the bible, I hope I remember to always ask good questions.
Questions that will lead to discovery about myself and how I can grow.
Sanctification is a big word and very "christiany". I wouldn't normally use it in my every day vocabulary.
But it just means the process of becoming holy.
I like to think of it as the process of becoming more like Jesus - or more like the person God created me to be. Getting rid of the crud that's in the way or blocking me from shining in my true identity.
When I read the bible, it's through the lens of sanctification or becoming.
I'll never arrive, this side of eternity.
But I want to always move closer to being holy. I want to always be growing, changing, transforming, peeling away layers that need to go. I always want to be getting closer to the me God created.
So, today, that means I ask myself some questions about my heart and generosity and pride. And I invite my good God to reveal anything that's hindering me from becoming.
And I know my good God.
I know and trust the kindness, grace, and pure love that encompass anything revealed to me.
It's never condemnation.
It's never shame.
It's always an invitation out of darkness and into light.
It's the story of Ananias and Sapphira.
I was reading a few things on the google, going down that rabbit hole of opinion, research, data.
And that's when I realized it didn't really matter to me if it was an historically accurate account of events or a legend, a myth, a story.
I'm curious if it really happened.
But, the better question couldn't be silenced.
The better question kept creeping into my mind as I searched for historical proof of the event.
That better question is: How am I like Ananias and Sapphira and what can I learn from this story?
That question quickly draws me to the holy spirit and reveals things that convict my heart. It makes me think about my motivation for doing things and about whether I'm honest with God.
Then more questions come.
Do I sometimes serve because I think it looks like the right thing to do? Do I present myself to God highlighting my best behavior, trying to impress? Or am I just myself- honest about the parts that are selfish, greedy, stingy, untrusting? Do I sometimes find pride in my financial contributions to the church or ministries - even thinking "many people don't give this high of a percentage."
Here's the thing.
Why is this story recorded in Acts?
Why am I reading this 2000 years later?
Is it to have an accurate historical account of exactly what happened in the early church?
Or could it be a way to open up my heart to a better understanding of myself and of God?
Sure, it could be both.
But, if I get stuck in the train of thought that simply searches for proof that this is exactly how an historical event happened, I could miss EVERYTHING!
I believe I could read this same account many times throughout my life and discover something different each time - IF I ask good questions.
Better questions.
God, what do you want me to know? Learn? Hear?
And to take it one question further...
What do you want me to do? Say? Change?
I remember reading this story before and thinking: Is God a mean jerk? Is God unforgiving? Could there be a side to God that is intolerant of shortcomings? Isn't God forgiving and good?
Those were the things I was wrestling with at the time. I wasn't sure if I really could trust God and if he really was good. So, this story invited me in to wrestle with my doubts and fears. It gave me the opportunity to face these scary questions and to boldly search for answers.
I guess my point is - when reading the bible, I hope I remember to always ask good questions.
Questions that will lead to discovery about myself and how I can grow.
Sanctification is a big word and very "christiany". I wouldn't normally use it in my every day vocabulary.
But it just means the process of becoming holy.
I like to think of it as the process of becoming more like Jesus - or more like the person God created me to be. Getting rid of the crud that's in the way or blocking me from shining in my true identity.
When I read the bible, it's through the lens of sanctification or becoming.
I'll never arrive, this side of eternity.
But I want to always move closer to being holy. I want to always be growing, changing, transforming, peeling away layers that need to go. I always want to be getting closer to the me God created.
So, today, that means I ask myself some questions about my heart and generosity and pride. And I invite my good God to reveal anything that's hindering me from becoming.
And I know my good God.
I know and trust the kindness, grace, and pure love that encompass anything revealed to me.
It's never condemnation.
It's never shame.
It's always an invitation out of darkness and into light.
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