What? I'm a self righteous jerk?

It's all quite simple.  Not easy, but simple.
Bear with me if you'd like to hear how I am a self righteous jerk.
Here's the thing.  Jesus wants ALL of you.  In complete surrender to him, your JOY can be complete.  He can miraculously transform pain into peace and even joy.  Out of that peace and joy it is only natural to then desire to continue surrendering to him as Lord.  Boss.  Leader.
Once you taste the sweetness of his grace (undeserved love), you eagerly turn to him and ask how you can serve him, know him, bring him glory, and bring others closer to what you have with him.  It's an overflow of love!
Love received.  Love that transforms and transcends.  Love that fills you so completely, it pours out!
It's radical.
You want to give up every thing that is not pleasing to your Lord, because you don't want anything to get in the way of this amazing love relationship.
 It's so fulfilling and real, you know you found the real deal and don't have to keep seeking fulfillment with stuff you were before.  Like relationships with other people, approval, achievement, status, security, fun or just numbing yourself with overindulgence, overwork, until you feel temporarily filled and satisfied.
With Jesus, it isn't temporary!  It doesn't fade away.  It never does.  It is a love so deep and real and trustworthy that there isn't any other love to compare it to.  It's undeserved, unearned, unchangeable, and never ending.
So, even though you can't lose it by slacking off and choosing things that don't honor Jesus, you never want to purposely do that because you bask in his crazy love for you and want nothing more than to somehow give some of that love back to him.
So you ask how?
And all he says is to trust him.  To love him.  To do his will.  To love other people, rather than judging and hating them.  To become his disciple by seeking to know him and be more like him, then to make more disciples who make more disciples who will seek him and love him and love others.
PERFECT, RIGHT?
Nope.  No matter my good intentions, I mess up.  I'm selfish, judging, self indulgent, self righteous.  And, I'd love to say it's only occasional, but it is daily!  UGH!
So, every day I humble myself before my perfect Jesus, admit my yuck, ask him to forgive me and transform me.
And, there he is!
He waits for me to acknowledge my yuck, he comforts me with that undeserved love which is grace.  And, if I welcome him to do so, he challenges me towards action.  Sometimes small, other times big.
And I love spending time with him just mulling that over.  Questioning if he thinks I'm capable of what he asks.  Finding out that he does believe I am capable.  Doubting myself.  Doubting him.  Over thinking.  Getting frustrated.  Sometimes walking away from Him, sometimes trusting and surrendering.
But the crazy cool thing is, HE NEVER CHANGES.
Never ever ever.
But I do!  Somehow, through this, some of the things I struggle with and confess become things I leave behind.  Sometimes they lose their hold on me completely and I find I don't even have a desire for them.  Most times it's more subtle.  But, I change!
I become more like him!
SQUEEEEEEL!
Are you kidding?  More like Jesus?  ME?!?  That is my dream come true!
And it is my dream for every living soul!
If I ever express this crazy love of mine in a way that is self righteous, judgemental, unloving or just plain stupid, please blame me and not Jesus.
He's perfect and unchanging and so dang awesome.
IF you get to know him, I guarantee you will be smitten like I am.
It's just that us fanatics who love Jesus are flawed and human.  In our excitement to spread this crazy love, we seem to do strange things like judge others, or argue to a point where others understand that we believe being RIGHT is more important than being LOVING.
I personally had to spend a good chunk of time with Jesus today talking about how unloving I feel towards other people who claim to trust, love and follow him, but act like self righteous jerks!
Man!  Nothing gets me more frustrated, pumped up, and ready for a rumble!
That's when I saw his face smiling at me.
I'm like "What?!"  (those of you who know me, you know my sassy tone)
And I realized that I am a self righteous jerk too, and I'm no better than anyone else, and I need to stop pointing the finger and just hang out with Jesus and love.
He calmed my fighting thoughts.
He calmly suggested that I hand over my plan to attack and belittle and shoot down a fellow believer who I have issues with.
Ohh, it's hard.  I have lots of great ammo and the energy to attack.
But, that's just stupid.  Thanks for the reminder Jesus.  It scares me to think of what I would do without you!