What the crap?

OK, I have no idea what the title means. I just truly enjoy using the word crap and when I say it, Olivia asks me if I could PLEASE not say that word. Geesh.

I haven't posted in a while. Been a bit funky. Typical January blahs mixed with Timm being gone, kids being sick, and a few other variables. I'm not sad, but just haven't felt hugely inspired.

Have been enjoying listening to Woodland Hills messages, as usual. Boyd has been talking about wrestling with God. Ahh, permission to wrestle. Love it. Just what I needed. Because, my nature is to wrestle. If my brother read this, he would comment in agreement. We spent so many of our hours as kids just wrestling. It went something like this: I'd start a fight with him by aggravating him and provoking him in every way possible, he would engage, I would laugh and run and eventually fight, we'd claw at each other and wrestle all over until he started to dominate, at which point I would scream "Mooooooooooom!" and then I'd tell on him when, in actuality, I had started the whole thing. I didn't realize this pattern until I reflected on it later in life and clearly determined that our wrestling stopped when he surpassed me in size and strength and could easily kick my butt. Hmmmm? coincidence? I think not.

ANYWAYS, I love that God wants me to wrestle with him. And, there are times when I am ready, on the mat, wearing my ridiculous stretchy suit thing....OK, get the visual? LET'S GO!

And, with perfect timing, we are having a "forum" on Sunday morning at church. Questions and answers. And, I have questions.

Let me be clear, I have faith. That is something I have committed to. I am committed to this journey with God and I am fully engaged in it. But, that doesn't mean I will not continue to have questions. That is just my nature. Again, if my childhood teachers read this, they would concur. I was that ANNOYING kid in class who had to ask "why?" 50 times before moving on. And, I was never completely satisfied with the answers, but eventually I'd let it rest. Then, Kel will testify to my insatiable appetite for argument during Philosophy 101 at SC4. UGH! It was maddening. "I think, therefore I am....." Don't even get me started.

As a matter of fact, philosophers are the reason I am known to favor the phrase "that's a bunch of crap..." cuz I sincerely get tired of all the stupid thought processes.

Anyways, you can see why I haven't blogged in a while. Too many thoughts and words flopping around my cranium.

I don't think I'm going to voice some of my questions right now. I'm just so glad that God loves me, questions and all. He doesn't ask me to get everything figured out and THEN place faith in Him. Nope. He asks me to place faith in him and come to him with all of my questions, doubts, fears, concerns, and....crap. Yep, in my world, God says crap.

And, here is one thing he is asking me to do and I am wrestling with....."drop the agenda and love." OK, I don't feel like I have an agenda. But, I do. And I am really struggling with myself. How do I sincerely drop my agenda of "bringing people to Christ" if I so badly want everyone to know the joy and peace and contentment and everlasting life that I know?!?! Well, I am wrestling with that, but I can say, if I am loving people for the sake of LOVING them, and I am not ashamed of the hope I have and I am not selecting who I will love based on their beliefs or trajectory in life....I am starting to get it a little bit. I have been reading the gospels over and over to learn about Jesus and how he lived. That is my ultimate goal. To become more and more like him. He loved so completely. Yet, he was such a rebel. He did not have a problem letting the pharisees know what he thought about their "religion" and he did not have a problem hanging out with prostitutes and tax collectors. He also did not have a problem speaking the hard truth to those who asked for it. Even if that meant that they walked away from him when they found out the cost of following him. He didn't try to make his message more appealing to them. But, he did all of that in LOVE.

Anyways, I will try to be more focused in the future when I sit down to post. But, I am often unable to really discipline my train of thought. Good thing God doesn't mind my tangential rambling....my journal is literally FILLED with it.

when is bragging OK?

Is it ever OK to brag about your kids? I really feel it is OK to do! But perhaps it is completely annoying to others. I don't know.

I think if you have an overall humble nature and are aware of your shortcomings, and those of your children, then it's OK to be pretty dang proud of them when they display a talent, skill or gift. Ya know? I do think it is annoying when a parent clearly feels their child can do NO wrong is is exceptional at EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. That's different. That's delusional or dishonest.

Well, I am proud of my Alli. She really has shown some amazing potential as she dances. And, it is so cool to watch. And she was asked if she could fill in for someone at the studio who is in the senior dance company but cannot be at one of the recitals. That would mean some work on Alli's part to be an "understudy" with the senior company. Not sure we can commit the time, since she is struggling a bit to balance her course work right now. But, I felt proud that she was asked and I hope she can do it.

And Olivia was picked to be a part of a program at her school called "young talent". She gets to participate in music instruction once a week during school hours, and do a performance at the end of the year. She makes a commitment to be in it for 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade. She will learn SO MUCH! And, both of my girls really do have an amazing ear for music. It's so cool.

So there, I brag about my kids. And, I think that's OK.

edit last post

Last night I gave Olivia her little notebook and she grabbed it from me and hugged it to her and said "this is private mom....I don't want you to read it." Oops. I neglected to mention to her that I not only read it, but posted on the internet for everyone to see!

Anyways, I told her I already read it and they were wonderful poems.

She informed me they are songs.

Then she told me Alli wrote one of them.

So, I have to mention that the one entitled "PURPOSE" is Alli's song.

Couldn't go without mentioning!

Liv's writing

I hope Liv doesn't get mad at me. But, today I was up to my eyeballs in arts, crafts, paints, papers, stickers, markers, etc. I was sorting and organizing the girls' stuff.

If you know Liv, you may know that she has a bit of an obsession with journals, notebooks, diaries, note pads, etc. We try to keep them "organized" but I find them all over the place. They are usually titled and intended for a very specific purpose. For example, "summer journal" "doodles" "christmas journal" "new york journal" "poems" "songs" and on and on.

Today I came across one that wasn't titled. I just love reading what she writes! Here is an excerpt of what I found.

PRESSURE:

little things happen

every day.

little things happen

every night.

little people from the country

come to see the world.

everything has changed -

for us to do tonight.

come with me

it's our night!

come and see us

come and look

come and seek us

come and find us

when our home has

found the rest

we will sit and look

when we found our everything

we will go find

somewhere to rest

we will sit down and rest

and lift up our hearts

and say "halaluyia

our people have changed

halaluyia our city has

CHANGED."

PURPOSE:

some people have feelings

some people have no feelings

some people are like me and don't know what they have

or what their purpose is

THE LAKESIDE:

I was sitting by the lakeside

watching the fish jump

I watched them as they leaped out of the water

all night long.

The trees were fully bloomed

the flowers were beautiful

the lake was sparkling by the sun

It had no-one

but

EVERYONE.

BEAUTIFUL DREAMS

Everything that you dream is beautiful.

as you dream it fades away.

let that be the one that you find.

let that be the one that you like.

now lift up high.

I find this stuff all the time. I mean, she was 7 or 8 when she wrote this. Kinda neat to see how she thinks. But, sometimes she gets embarrassed when I want to read it or show other people. So, I might have offended her. But, for those of you who love Livvy, I had to share. Her heart is so sweet.