Finally Sharing!

Our time in Brooklyn is soon coming to an end.

We are moving at the end of June to Michigan.

This past weekend at church, we had the opportunity to share a bit of our family's story with our friends.

I figured I would share it here as well.

I wrote these notes out when I was thinking about what to share with our church family. I'm just copying them here. 

I haven't posted here all year.  I spent a ton of time journaling, but didn't feel like sharing everything.  Maybe i need to grow in that area?  I encourage everyone else to share their burdens and let people in, but then I resist letting people in when I am burdened!

This is long, but I wanted to finally share my heart for those who are interested. 

*We just wanted to share a littlie bit of our story with you to encourage you.  God really can be trusted. The promise of joy and peace is true.  When you seek God, you will find Him.  But it is sometimes challenging.

*It’s been a challenging year for me. 

*When I looked back in my journal there was an entry in September 2012, where something shifted.  On that day, I realized that I needed to let go of my life again because I had taken it back and was grasping on a bit tightly. I specifically admitted that I was holding on to my life here in NYC just as tightly as I had been holding onto my life when I lived in Michigan and felt called to leave there.  

*I prayed a scary prayer that day. I told God what I wanted and what I thought looked best for our family, but instead of asking for Him to agree with me and make it all work out the way I saw best, I surrendered and begged God to intercede and do whatever He saw was best for us.  I specifically prayed that he would lead our family to a life that is best to serve him, serve others, and for my girls to grow into a close relationship with him.   

*Well, it was the next day when Timm found out at work that his position was eliminated and that they would be offering him a job in a school in Brooklyn for the remainder of the school year, but beyond that, he would have to find a new job.

*The timing shook me a bit.

*I will admit, although it didn’t happen right away, I did get a little bit resentful towards God.

*I thought “Geez, why can’t you just leave us alone?  Why can’t I just surrender and give you my life, and you just say thanks and let me keep living where I want and how I think we should live?  Every day I commit to love and serve you, and that’s not enough?”

*Looking back through my journal, I really did have a challenging year spiritually.  I’m not one to hold back, so I let God have it quite a few times.  It seems clear to me now that he was preparing my heart to for change.  I was resisting, but he is so patient! 

*I think deep down I just kept thinking (and fearing-if I’m honest) that He was going to lead us somewhere new. At some point, I shifted and started praying that if He did want us to move, could he please just let us know!  The waiting was killing me.  I just “needed” to know.  

*Honestly, I was fine, but as a Mom – I simply couldn’t stand the thought of not knowing if my kids were going to be at their school next year and not being able to offer them the security I desperately wanted to offer them.

*Because of that, I got mad at God a few more times.  All I wanted was for our family to be wherever God wanted us to be and for my girls to be in whatever environment would help them grow closer to Him.  I never prayed for their comfort or for them to have it easy.  

*Was it too much to ask that God just let us know???

*Again, He is so patient.

*Because, His timing really is right.  Strangely, I needed the time to grow closer to him in trust, and to be fully engaged in my life here, and to fully appreciate when His answers finally did come!  And, I realized I actually WAS praying for my kids comfort because I couldn’t’ stand that they might not have a secure and predictable future as they entered middle school and high school, which holds enough challenges and unknowns!!

*So, although it is not easy to trust God, He really can be trusted.  And, his timing is perfect. 

*If we had found out in September 2012 that we would be moving in June 2013, what a different year we would have had!  I can’t imagine.  

*And, I won’t speak for Timm but let me just say that the whole job search thing, however painful, was also an opportunity for Timm to grow spiritually.  And, if this job was offered to him back in September, I believe he would have said “thanks, but no thanks – I will find something that allows us to stay here.”

*Up until a few weeks ago, we thought God was providing a way for us to continue living, working, and serving in NYC.

*Some of you know the details - A job for Timm, a job for me, a place to move, etc.  I was excited and waiting and trusting God to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together. Although it was sketchy, it seemed like it was all going to work out somehow.  I personally didn’t feel peace about it all, but I assumed that was because none of it was final yet. I was still waiting…

*Then, one day, when we weren’t expecting it, Timm’s company approached him about a job opportunity.  They told him they would like him to consider being the principal at one of three schools.  All three schools were in Michigan.  Timm zeroed in on one of them as a possible interest.

*It was so strange.  Timm came home from that meeting and told me what had happened.  And, BOOM! It came!  The peace I had been seeking.  It’s difficult to explain the “peace of God that transcends understanding”.  But, that is what I felt. 

*And, I had been begging God for that peace all year.  It’s a peace that comes not from getting what you want, but from accepting and realizing what God wants!  It’s the best feeling there is. 

*It’s been a strange couple of weeks.  We absolutely love this city. We love this church community. We continue to feel an absolute passion for Communitas. We love the neighborhood we live in and the schools our girls are in. 

*Imagine for a minute being in Alli’s shoes.  Up until a few weeks ago, she thought she was going to start high school next year with all of the friends she has developed relationships with for the last 3 years. Do you remember what is was like starting high school?  Alli gets to start at a new place and trust that God will provide her with the friendships she wants and needs. That is not easy!

*We felt a very clear call from God to move to this city and be a part of this ministry and have never once doubted that call.  We thought for sure that God would keep us here. 

**So, here is the crazy thing….how is it that we are bursting with excitement and joy and anticipation in the midst of the sadness we feel about leaving all that we love?

*All I can explain is that when you are IN the will of God, you are inspired and on mission and on fire for Him.  And, that is how we feel.  We feel like we are not leaving Communitas, but rather, we are expanding Communitas! 

*We feel a passion for the mission and vision of this church.  No matter where we are, for the rest of our time on this earth, we will live out the vision of Communitas in our lives!  We will view our spiritual lives as a mission to lock arms with others and spread the gospel message of hope through loving, serving, sacrificing and abiding in Christ.

*It has been a challenge in our little church community to love so many and then have to say goodbye.  But, I think we are learning that it is the nature of this city.  I also believe that it is the way God intends to use this community, and his church!

*Because it is difficult, it’s hard to see it as good.  But, I really see this community as a place where people are accepted, loved, inspired and discipled.  When someone leaves, we aren’t just losing a friend, we are sending out disciples to other parts of the world!

*That’s what our family will be doing.  We will be taking the vision and mission of Communitas and living it out in our new neighborhood, workplaces, church community and family.

*So, we wanted to share that although we will miss you and this church and this city….we continue to be on fire for the gospel and on mission with you to make disciples!   

Happy New Year....Friends

Happy New Year.
Reflecting.
When it comes to New Year's Resolutions, I feel like there are three different groups of people.
1 - those of us who always make new year's resolutions and see the fresh calendar page as a fresh start and opportunity to set and achieve goals.
2 - those of us who never make new years resolutions because every day is a fresh start, what difference does it really make what the calendar shows us?  Set goals any time.
3 - those of us who have dabbled with resolutions and are not quite sure from year to year if it's effective or necessary.
For the record, I am in the 3rd category.  Any surprise?  No.  I never made a resolution for the first 38 years of my life and didn't understand why it had to be a new year to reflect and want to make changes. But, a few years ago I found myself enjoying the new year as a time to reflect deeply and give some new goals a try.
anyways,
Carrie gave me a scarf with the a bible verse hand painted on it. John 13:15  "greater love has no one than this, than he lay down his life for his friends."  She also put Proverbs 17:17 "a  friend loves at all times".I loved the scarf immediately, but I didn't think about the verse very much.  I've heard/ read both of those verses  many times before.  I thought it was a cool idea that she looked up some verses about friendship.
But, today as I am contemplating the coming year and thinking about my goals, I am struck by John 13:15.  I think it may be my life verse for this year.
I think it has led me to the following New Year's Resolutions:
1 - Die to self.  Every day.
2 - Stop sleepwalking and be awake in every day moments
3 - Be a friend
4 - Be vulnerable
I always thought about John 13:15 as referring to Jesus and his gift of laying down his life for us.  He literally died a humiliating, excruciatingly painful death.  For us.  His 'friends".
But, today I am thinking of it differently.
Every day, every moment, I have a choice.  I can live for myself, or I can live for others.  I can serve myself and hold on tightly to MY life, or I can lay it down, give it away.  And, who are my friends?  Sure, I am blessed with many friends.  I can think of a handful of dear friends off the top of my head who I would gladly jump in front of a bus for and give up my life.  But, I am thinking that John 13:15 is referring to more than just those close friends I have in my mind.  Every person created by God, in his image, should be considered my friend.
Timm and I had a really nice time talking earlier today about our reflections of 2012 and our hopes for 2013. We discussed some questions I had given everyone at our NYE party last night.  We told each other some of our measurable, tangible goals for the upcoming year.  We thanked God for the deepening of our love and our oneness during 2012.  We told each other our failures and shortcomings from the past year, as well as our accomplishments and areas of growth.
But, it wasn't until I was out trotting along the path in the park that I was struck by the less measurable, very challenging, ultimate purpose-giving goals for me moving forward.
So, I will try to kill my SELF every day.  Multiple times a day.  I will try to look up, look around, be aware of moments, opportunities, precious people, instead of the next task on my to-do list.  I will try to be a real friend.  A vulnerable, self-sacrificing friend.  And, I will only do this through the power of the holy spirit in me.  When I try to do any of this on my own, I only see my shortcomings and failures.  I really can't do it.  All I can do is surrender my self.

My Love....

My Love…

Happy Birthday.

It’s tempting to start off with something like “I knew from the moment I saw you…” or “I remember the moment that I realized you were the one for me and I’d love you forever…”.  But, that is not how our story goes from my perspective.

My love for you is much deeper, much richer than anything that can be traced back to a moment in time. It is a million moments piled up and overflowing in a heap of goodness.

In all honesty, I never stop and think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t built my life together with you.  It simply isn’t something I can conjure up in my imagination.  Where would I be?  Who would I be?  It’s simply impossible for me to imagine because I am one with you.

Every single day, I give God praise for who He is and for giving me the gift of marriage to you.  When God’s word describes marriage in ways like “the two become one”, I get it.  Because I have been blessed with a real covenant relationship.  When I learn in Ephesians that God has a plan for how a marriage best functions, I don’t bristle at the idea of submission because, I get it.   It is an absolute joy to honor God’s design.  I’m not saying that either of us do it perfectly! But, it is such a gift to have a blueprint from our creator to help us and guide us in this crazy world we live in.

Every day I thank God.

Today I thank you.  Thank you for seeking God with all of your heart and being willing to humble yourself to His authority.  Thank you for considering His command to “love your wife” and living out each day in an effort to understand how to do that in practical ways.  Thank you for the grace you give me every day when I am selfish and sarcastic and skeptical and sinful.  Thank you for building me up with your words and actions.  Thank you for being a dreamer and showing me a world beyond the mundane day-to-day.  Thank you for your sense of humor.  Thank you for being present and in the moment with our girls and for the example you set for how they should expect to be treated.  Thank you for being ambitious and working hard to provide for us, while working hard to balance your time between family, work, yourself, and friends.  Thank you for taking care of your physical body and realizing how that is an act of love.  Thank you for being authentic, genuine, fun, honest, trustworthy, caring, compassionate, and selfless.  Thank you for making me a better me than I could ever be on my own. 

I love you and I look forward to our future together….following Jesus…one step at a time.

bringing out the ugly

Where to begin.
Spent much of the day at a voting sight.  Not because I give a crap about the election, but because we happen to find it to be a lucrative time for the PTA to have a bake sale at Liv's school.
To echo many posts on facebook....I will be happy when this election is over.
ugh.
It sure brings out the ugly in people.
Most of it doesn't bother me at all because I don't identify myself with any political party, group, or cause.  So, when people rant and rave about how much better (or worse) the world will be when their party or proposal or person wins (or loses) I find it easy to ignore.
But, it brings out everyone's sin nature.
Yep, I said it.
It brings out our sin nature.
We love to judge.  We love to create an "us" and a "them" and decide who is right, wrong, good, evil, better, worse, smart, dumb, etc.
Yesterday I read some dig against conservatives and how "they" are.  Soon after, I read something sarcastic and demeaning about democrats and how "they" are.  Then I read the horrors about republicans and how "they" are.
These are comments from friends.
I began to wonder...where do I fit into all of this?
It's easy and convenient to say I don't fit neatly into any category, therefore, none of their digs and demeaning comments are directed at me.  La, la la, I can go about my merry way.
But then I realized how horrible it all is.
Because, just when I am starting to feel all self righteous about not judging people and categorizing them and putting them down...I realize I am doing just that.  In my mind, I am thinking "THOSE political people.  THEY are so close minded and misled and annoying and ridiculous."  You get the point.  Any time I start a thought with "Those people..." I know it isn't gonna be good.
Here's the thing.  We all do it.  We all judge.  We step back and point the finger and think, or say, "Those people..."  And we feel so incredibly satisfied that we are "not like those people".
We're not?
Hmmmm.
When God put Adam and Eve in the garden and asked them to refrain from eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, why would he do that?  Because he's on a power trip and wants to make sure they obey, right?  Was he just trying to prove He is God and they are not and they better obey?
I don't think so.
He wanted to save us from the horrible sin of judgement.  It's disgusting and awful.
We were not created to judge.  We were not created to claim that we have the knowledge of good and evil.  When we do that, we are living in a way that is not how God created us.  We are living in sin.  Doing things our way.
I do it all the time.  And I pray constantly for God to take over my spirit completely and remove all of my tendencies to judge and finger point and make decisions about people and how much value they have.  Because, in God's sight, everyone has infinite, immeasurable value.  Nothing I decide about a person can change that.  So, I pray that God helps me to see people as He does.
It makes me sad that so many of the people who consider themselves to be followers of Jesus think it is OK to delight in the activity of judging, criticising, finger pointing, accusing, and devaluing others.  I don't care if it happens to be a political candidate who they disagree with.  There is never a reason to delight in eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.   There is never a reason to think it is OK and even claim it is "for His Kingdom".  Yuck.
Go ahead, vote.  By all means!  If you have the freedom to do so, and you feel a particular person is worthy of your vote, cast your vote! But can we ALL try to refrain from being judges and from stepping back and classifying others as "us" or "them"?
I will try to do that the next time a person who has infinite value to God starts ranting about politics.

When the going gets tough...

I'm sad.
I don't usually feel this way.  But, I really feel discouraged right now.
This week has been insane.  Glorious retreat weekend upstate, followed by Superstorm Sandy and days off hunkering down with the family.  Since we didn't lose power, it has been a very nice time off for us.  We even went ahead with Halloween plans and the streets were filled with adorable kids and smiling parents.  The last two nights, we have had people here at the apartment to share a meal and a drink and celebrate the fact that we made it through the storm so well.
But, I realized last night that I couldnt' stand it anymore.  I was watching all the suffering and devastation on the news, and I was living in vacation mode.
So, today I went to the local evacuation shelter that was set up at the nearby YMCA and volunteered.  I felt like it was a good fit for me, since I heard that they had evacuated people from nursing homes and assisted living facilities. I used to work at nursing homes and have always missed it a little bit.
After spending the entire day there, I will say that I am impressed with the many groups of people working together to create a safe place for all of these people to sleep, eat, get medical attention, and hopefully feel some shred of dignity throughout it all.  There are so many medical professionals, volunteers, and relief workers who are working to serve these people in need.
Normally my mind would find a way to remain focused on that positive aspect.
But, I can't do it.
I don't know what it is.  But, all I can do is think about how horribly sad I am for all of the people who are still laying there under the florescent lighting on portable cots.  Laying there in a huge room with bustling with hundreds of people, yet all alone.  I walked home in the fresh air and ate some food in my quiet apartment.  I have a loving family to go home to.  One woman told me today that she hopes "they" find a place for her to live because the place she left was already unlivable before the hurricane hit, so there is no way it will be fit for living now.  She snickered a bit and said "I hope they find me a place to live before I die."   She laughed, but she wasn't kidding.
It wasn't just the conversations I had with people who were afraid or uncertain of their future.  It was the number of people who were obviously too sick or too affected by dementia or mental illness to even have a conversation.
I worked with people for years who were in a similar condition.  How was it that I could go home, go along with my life, and leave it behind me?  What happened to me?  Is it my age now?
I don't know.
But, I look around a room like that and I get so discouraged. I just think of a saying that was popular in the 80's when I was a teenager.   "Life's a bitch.  And then you die."  Instead of feeling like the saying "when the going gets tough, the tough get going!"  Nope.  Couldn't muster that up.  Sure, I was able to get going enough to hang out there for the day and help.  But, all I could think of was how hopeless I felt for each person!
When I couple this experience with the images and stories I have been seeing on the news this week, I just can't feel hopeful.  I guess my true inner pessimist is lurking and revealing itself.  I hear what the leaders are saying.  "We WILL rebuild" and stuff like that.
Maybe I have been living in a bit of denial all week and today was a reality check.
This whole thing really sucks.
Part of me wants to wake up each day and roll up my sleeves and help any person who is suffering.  And, the rest of me feels paralyzed by the fact that what I saw today, and what I am seeing on the news this week....that's just life.  All over the planet people are suffering like that every single day.  I just don't dwell on it.  I can't.  And that realization makes me want to belittle any possible way I can help and focus on the fact that I will never fix any of it.
I need to shake this off.
I'm in a serious funk.  Yuck.
This past weekend at our retreat, we discussed the topic of trust.  We talked about trusting God, no matter what.  We talked about what He promises and what He does not promise.  We had some really honest dialog about how difficult it can be to trust God and how it can seem like maybe He is not good.
In the end, we encouraged one another to remember who God is.  He is love.  And He is good.  And, he promises hope, peace, and grace.
Today, I don't feel that.  I will continue to believe it in the midst of not feeling it.
But, today I feel like the only promise is this:
Life sucks, and then you die.

hangin with liverwurst

Me and Olivia hanging out on a Saturday night.
She even turned down an offer to play with a neighbor girl because she wants to hang with ME!
Oh, how I cherish these times.
I injured my leg, so I am taking it easy.  We ordered chinese food and Olivia walked all by herself to pick it up.  She was so proud and happy to have the independence!
Right now, she is frantically scribbling down words in her "writing notebook" for homework.  She is wondering how she can finish this story and also do her other homework, as it is already 7 pages long and she is going strong.
Meanwhile, I am tap tap tapping away on the keys of the computer, writing this.
We both love to write.
Last night, she was alone in a room and I wasn't sure what she was doing.  i went in to see if she wanted to go to bed soon, and I found her passed out on the tiny couch with a notepad on her chest.  I should have taken a photo.
The notebook was a "book of lists"
The list she had just completed was, "Things I need to do at least once"
Here are the 10 things penciled in her neat handwriting:
1 - go on the witches wheel
2 - go to six flags
3 - be a bridesmaid
4 - give my life to God
5 - move to Michigan
6 - walk the hall of fame
7 - start a movement
8 - invent a revolution
9 - improve a life
10 - Improve ME
Of course, I just looked at that list and loved it.
The way Olivia thinks is always so intriguing to me. In some ways, she is the most childish, playful, carefree person I have ever met and in other ways, she can have these deep, mature trains of thought.  So fun.
That's all.  Lots on my mind.  Could write about a lot of things.
But, we are getting ready to watch "the muppets take manhattan"
I'm not sure why God has chosen to allow so many blessings flood my life. But, I have a heart full of gratitude.  And, although my future appears to be unknown and that is a little scary, isn't it always unknown and we simply fool ourselves by believing it is somehow within our control?

covenant

Reading the book of Acts in the bible, there is so much about the outpouring of the holy spirit and about baptism.  It seems that every time someone believes, the gift of the holy spirit is just poured into them, and they immediately get baptized.
covenant.
We don't use that word in our culture.
covenant.
Yet, it means so much.  It is so powerful.
Baptism was the way a person would express their vow to enter the new covenant.  It was a BIG deal.  It's so much more than just believing.  It's a decision to make an eternal commitment to submit to Jesus as Lord, God, Ruler, King.
Do we even have words that we currently use in our culture that represent this?  We say commitment. Contract. Dedication.
But nothing seems sacred.  We are committed until.....something changes.  Our contract is honored unless.....the terms are not met by one party.  We dedicate ourselves until...something more appealing presents itself.
When we have a covenant relationship with someone, we can trust the deep, sacred promise that is not contingent on circumstances.  It is simply a sacred promise.  Unbreakable.
Last week at my Doctor, she asked me 4 questions.  Of those 4 questions, 2 of them were about my sexual activity.  Why?  It is staggering to think about all of the health issues and risks surrounding sexual activity.
I have simplified many of humanities problems to this issue of sexual activity outside of marriage.  God created sex as a sacred sign of a covenant relationship.  It's a BIG deal. It's sacred.  What happens when we reduce it to being a physically pleasurable activity?  Where to begin? Emotional devastation, physical catastrophes, spiritual emptiness.
But, maybe the worst thing is that people will never know the sacred.
It is so lost.
They will never experience the fullness of the covenant God intended, complete with mutual trust, respect, love, intimacy, serving, and sexual satisfaction and enjoyment that connects not only two bodies, but two souls.  Because it takes sacrifice of self to enter a covenant.  And we aren't willing to do that.  We want satisfaction, not sacrifice.  We want the enjoyment of sex, not the mutual love that takes effort to achieve, sustain and nurture.
I really feel we have lost any understanding of covenant.  So, it is not a surprise that we approach everything more like a contract.
This includes our relationship with Jesus.  I agree to believe A, B and C and God agrees to let me into heaven.  Sign on the dotted line....
Contract completed.
What a bummer.
To miss out on the covenant love relationship that comes from agreeing to submit to Jesus as Lord, to love him, worship him, abide in him, trust him, discover him more more daily, grow to know him better
.  It's a beautiful journey.  And He pours unconditional love and grace all over me.  Inside, outside, smothering me with the truth about how he feels about me. Filling me with joy so deep, it goes way beyond my circumstances.  Love so pure, it's blinding!
But, unlike any contract, my covenant isn't something that is just done and signed one time.  It is a daily process.  And it can NEVER be broken, revoked, or forgotten!  It is sometimes hard and demanding and confusing and frustrating!  It is my agreement to put my SELF under the authority of Jesus.  Well, if you've never tried it, putting SELF anywhere but in control is a challenge.  It's humbling.
Again, in my willingness to make efforts to humble myself, Jesus transforms me.  He takes the parts of myself that are not meeting the mark of who I was created to be, that sinful and selfish stuff, and He transforms me.
It's a covenant with my creator.
I do nothing to earn his love.
I can do nothing to lose his love.
I have complete freedom to love Him in return.
It can never be broken.
It's sacred.
And it's a journey, not a one time contract!
This link shows some of my friends demonstrating an outward sign of the covenant they have entered with Jesus.  Pretty awesome stuff.