We cannot GET there, we can only BE there

 From my daily meditation from CAC.  I rewrote almost the whole thing...

"...It's almost the only task of religion - to communicate not worthiness, but union; to reconnect us with our original identity "hidden with Christ in God"  The Bible calls the state of separateness sin...
the word sin has so many unhelpful connotations...for most of us it does not connote a state of alienation or separateness.  Instead it connotes naughty behavior and moral unworthiness.  But these are symptoms...disconnected people will do stupid and harmful things...we cannot ever become perfect or "worthy" but we can become reconnected to the Source. Sin describes a state of fragmentation - when the part thinks it's separate from the whole.  It's the loss of any inner experience of who we are in God.  That "who" is nothing we can earn or obtain, it's nothing we can accomplish or work up to.  We already have it! The biblical revelation is about awakening, not accomplishing...we cannot GET there, we can only BE there...but that is too good to be true...the ego makes it about achievement and attainment...At that point religion becomes a worthiness contest in which everybody loses...yet union with God is a revolution of the mind...a conversion...that deep and wonderous inner knowing - a whole new set of behaviors and lifestyle will surely emerge...I must first come to experience God's love, then I will - almost naturally - be moral"

I have reframed my understanding of this many years ago.  Yet I continually have to work to avoid falling into the old mindset of a more judicial view of sin, God, reward, punishment.  I'm not alone in my desire to have a God who is all about justice - reward the good, punish the bad.  But, if I stay in that mindset long enough, inevitably it leads me to a hamster wheel of trying to be worthy of perfect love.  Because, if I have to earn it or be good enough for it, what is "good enough"? 

I can remember being a kid, reflecting deeply on God and on myself and I genuinely concluded that, overall I'm a good person who cares about others and who does not hurt other people, so surely God will not cast ME into eternal hellfire.  I was pretty convinced, in this view of God, that I could coast along and just not hurt anyone purposefully, and God would be gracious enough to let me into heaven when I died.  I believed that hell must be reserved for unremorseful murderers and the like. 

But, in that worldview, I was still separate form God entirely - relying on a benevolence I needed to believe in to deem me "good enough".  There was no connection to God, no belonging, no real flow of love, truth, encouragement, healing, identity.  I felt like I just had to figure out who God was and then also figure out I was and then try to outweigh more good than bad in my behavior so that some day I would receive reward and not punishment.

But that disconnection was already my punishment! I was separate from the spirit who created me and loved me fully and who was available to help me discover how I was uniquely designed. 

But once I invited THAT spirit in to invade my heart, mind, and soul - I experienced belonging and fullness and connection and discovery of truth and wisdom and direction.  And I experienced an unceasing outpouring of admiration, love, and grace...I experienced being completely seen and completely loved - no need to prove myself or to hide the things I was ashamed of.  In that connection, I could experience my worthiness and fullness and then simply live with a desire to STAY in that place of connection.  That leads to some shifts in behaviors - not because God condemns me, but because I want to be FULLY connected and some things cause me to disconnect. 

Blowing up the box

 From the daily meditation from CAC

"We have to begin with dualistic thinking, just as we must develop a healthy ego and frame before we can move beyond it.  Jesus often made strong binary statements "you cannot serve God and money"..."separate the sheep from the goats".  We must first be capable of some basic distinctions between good and evil before we can hold paradox...we must first succeed at good dualistic thinking before we also discover it's inadequacy in terms of wisdom and compassion....Jesus teaches both dualistic clarity and non-dual wisdom and compassion: Matthew 5:45  My sun shines on the good and the bad; his rain falls on both the just and the unjust".

He goes on to point out that the ego loves a dualistic worldview. Good people are rewarded and bad people are punished.  But the Spirit of Unconditional love can't condemn.  That's not love.

God's love is just too good to comprehend.  So, I can look back and remember times when my dualistic mindset was challenged by God's love.  And I can recall the struggle, first to embrace this kind of grace and love as true, and then to adjust my own heart from a posture of judgement to compassion and love.  Both for myself and for others. 

Man, as I read my journal from 2012, it was more brutal than I recalled.  I thought the bulk of my "wrestling" was before that.  But I was wrestling hard.  I think maybe 2010-2011 was the time of breaking down the dualistic framework, but 2012 was the challenge of actually rebuilding it to a framework of paradox, mystery, love, grace, compassion.  I had all of the tools and materials to build it, but I struggled.  It didn't feel like a nice secure framework like dualism did.  How could it possibly hold up? ...It was so helpful to read and listen to others who have embraced a different framework - one that makes so much more sense and doesn't make me try to fit everything neatly into the small box of certainty.  The box was still there for me - for years.  But I knew I was slowly blowing the sides off and knew I would eventually not have the box at all.  I told my direct reports/leaders at my church job that I could feel the box getting pushed and destroyed and that the church was inside of the box.  I said that when I knew I no longer had that box at all anymore, I would need to leave my ministry position at that church.  And that's what I did.

But I don't hate those who I perceive as being inside that box.  I try not to judge - but I don't always suceeed.  I am grateful for being invited into that box over 30 years ago.  I am grateful for the container I was in before that - the one my catholic family and community provided.  Both gave me such a wonderful foundation.  It's just that, the more I questioned and wrestled and pushed, the bigger I realized God could be.  Al lot of the tension I felt about my faith was cuased by trying to fit God into my preferred container.  When I finally blew up the container completely, I was free to experience the MAGNITUDE of love that is beyond my comprehension - but I've always suspected existed.  THIS love is so compelling and so mysterious.  I can't get enough of seeking MORE!

Grace and Love

 I do think I have spent a lot of time being hard on myself and expecting better and more.  Reading through my old journal and seeing so many "forgive me..." statements - often claiming to be selfish, impatient, judgmental, lazy, etc.  

But those terms don't feel right.  They seem like categories that invoke shame.  I am selfish.  I am lazy.  etc.  When really I simply desire for more compassion, love and forgiveness in my spirit.

As I contemplate grace, I'm not sure it can impact me in the same way unless I have some awareness of not deserving or earning it.

So, in that way, when I reflect on my shortcomings, it makes grace all the more beautiful, mysterious, and appreciated.

Your love is....it just is...it is in me, all around me, everywhere, in all things.  It doesn't wait to be earned or deserved.  It can't.  It just is...

That fills me up, lifts me up, and helps me to operate from love.  The more I practice, the more I will shine love as a natural reaction to simply being alive. 

I do find it puzzling that we have to work so hard to simply exist in the reality of love.  It's in us, all around us, in others, and is available endlessly.  But, so many people do not experience it at all or struggle to connect with it.  Even I, seeking more, believing, knowing, need to focus moment by moment to the pull away from love and the action required to surrender to love.  It's weird.  How are we so removed from the goodness and wholeness we were created with?  We learn to be separate I guess?  We learn to fear, be defensive, self protect, self promote, and to judge, divide, oppress, or find ways to elevate ourselves.  

But love restores, redeems, heals.  That means we get to carry the power of love into the world, bringing healing and restoration.  But we need to choose to carry that power.  Otherwise, we simply join the forces that cause pain, trauma, division, and unforgiveness.

faith and not-knowing

I was reading a daily mediation, and I found myself re-reading the entire thing, because it invigorated me. Then the excitement faded and I was left with a feeling of confusion and disappointment.  Why don't more people see this?  Get this?  Consider this?

I guess they aren't wired like me - to question everything and then to question again.  Never resting on what I know,  but always in wonder of what I do not yet know or understand.

I guess there were plenty of years in my life that I understood faith to be an unwavering certainty that I had the right answers to the big questions. And I guess I probably feared the discovery of anything that could contradict my certainty.  

But...I just couldn't settle for  a worldview where all mysteries of the universe were neatly explained in my limited intellect - never to be challenged or changed again  (because I had faith that I was right).  

That just didn't satisfy me.

And for a while I was frustrated with my need to question everything.  It felt like such a burden and such a distraction from simply "having faith" and "doing the right things" as outlined by Christianity.

It was one of the best things that ever happened for me when I learned to embrace, celebrate, and enjoy my questions, doubts, and uncertainty!  I can remember that time in my life. Through reading books and listening to teachings and experiencing my own mystical exploration of spirit, I felt like my mind, body, and spirit came to life in a new way.

So, I guess I do understand how someone could end up trapped in a closed mindset, unwilling to explore growth.  It threatens what they might feel is their faith.  I was there myself.  I just could not stay there.

What if I hadn't had those authors, teachers, thinkers and thought leaders sharing what they had learned?  Could I have arrived at the place of celebrating my doubts and questions without the community and connections of those trusted people?

Part of my compulsion to write is simply my learning process.  I can slow down my flow of thoughts enough to articulate them.  And then I can go back and read what I was learning. But I can't help but consider sharing some of what I learn.  Because, I'm so grateful for what was shared with me!

What I read that left me intrigued was about how scientists practice an openness to new questions and discoveries, which seems more like "faith" than the certainty that is embraced by many Christians. 

Modern scientists move forward with some degree of not-knowing, which is what pulls them to discover.  They remain open to new evidence that would tweak or change the previous "belief".  Whereas, many religious people insist upon complete knowing at the beginning - and being certain every step of the way.  It's a dead end; impossible to grow, discover or learn.

And, although scientists can really only study the material world, they have also come up with "beliefs" to explain things like dark matter, black holes, chaos theory, string theory, and other things they cannot prove exist - they know them first by their effects, or evidence, then work backwards.  Look at quantum physics!!

There's a humility in scientists that we don't often see in clergy or "true believers".  Many scientists believe in the reality of things that are invisible, even spiritual, more than many "believers" do!

But can I blame people of faith?  If their trusted spiritual leader is communicating that faith = certainty and that anything that threatens, shakes, or changes that certainty is to be avoided, feared and fought against - they could easily view a new discovery as an evil force that is tempting them to compromise their true faith. 

And if they're taught to avoid and resist evil, they might tighten their grip on their certainty so aggressively that they begin to worship certainty and their need to be right above loving and following Jesus - the object of their faith and the very mystery of love.

They could easily interpret any thoughts or ideas that cause them to question what they've already been taught as a threat to not only resist but to actively FIGHT against.

Hmmmm.

Isn't that exactly what happened to Jesus?  The religious leaders already "knew" God and God's plans.  Jesus was a new idea that did not fit in the faith they were so certain of.  He threatened their very certainty - and they didn't simply dismiss him, they actually KILLED him!  They would rather murder than have their certainty threatened.

It shouldn't be surprising that people of faith do the same thing today.  When something threatens their certainty, they see it as evil and want to eliminate it.

It confuses me and makes me sad that people can call themselves believers or followers of Jesus and yet remain unwilling to explore the ways of Jesus and to acknowledge the radical way he addressed religious people and challenged them to change (repent, turn). 

Jesus brought good news to all people. He brought a message of forgiveness, unity and compassion.  He lifted up those who were oppressed, forgotten, judged and mistreated.  He brought a commission to expand the kingdom of love and freedom and hope on earth.  But, he wouldn't follow the rules.  He disregarded tradition and put people before laws.  And the religious people would not have it.  He disrupted their order.  They refused to be open to change or growth.  

I'm grateful that my insuppressible curiosity has allowed me to be open to change and growth. And I hold on to hope that others will discover the revolutionary love of Jesus and allow his spirit to change them as well.

Hope

Earlier this week I was talking with some friends about hope and about how it sometimes feels risky to hope.  Why set yourself up for possible disappointment?  What if I hope and then I'm let down? Then we talked about how faith is being certain of what you HOPE for.

Today as I was reading a reflection/meditation, I came across this

"I believe that, as "children of the resurrection" we are both burdened and brightened by a cosmic and irrepressible hope- and we can never fully live up to it.  We are both burdened and brightened with the gift of an optimism whose head waters are neither rational, scientific, nor even provable to those who do not have it, yet, it ticks away from a deep place within us"

Why do I dare to hope?  Dare to dream?  Dare to encourage others to do the same?  It only sets us up for discouragement if our hopes are not fulfilled, right?  But, what if the hope deep within me is irrepressible?  It's not from my logical mind.  What if it's nestled into my spirit and when I'm still and quiet, it bubbles to the surface where I can feel it with my senses and experience it...in my heart, and maybe eventually in my mind as well?

It  doesn't originate where my logic and reason dominate.  It begins somewhere else, and rises up into that region in my mind, politely nudging it's way in.  Then it presents new ways of thinking; fresh ideas and possibilities that I hadn't considered.  

It is creativity.

It is possibility, wonder, unconventional wisdom.  It is the presence of the very power of creation itself.

Hope

And I want more of it.

Being stuck in what I "already know" doesn't bring me much hope.  I can take those 10,000 puzzle pieces of what I already know and rearrange them for eternity yet that will never create something new. I try to convince myself that surely I have enough pieces, and if I just shift them around a bit more, I will put together a new thing.  But it seems to keep leading me to the same outcome where all of the pieces fit neatly and create the logical image I had already been familiar with.  Or, in my determination to make something new, the pieces get crammed into one another in new ways, leading to something dissatisfying that doesn't exactly feel right but "could" work.

Instead, I have access to unlimited new pieces to create new things that I haven't yet seen or imagined.  When I spend time in stillness and contemplation and receiving from the ultimate creative source, I get so many more pieces to create with! It brings me hope! It allows me to dream that possibilities are actually endless and often just beyond what I have settled for already knowing or understanding.

Of course, there are other practices that can help us discover the gift of hope, but this one is most notable for me.  Being quiet and listening....Being still and waiting....trusting that hope is there, even when I am having difficulty experiencing it. 

Good News, God's Kingdom, and Music

Just sharing a reflection from my journal about Good News, God's Kingdom, and music. 

I love this word picture I read to describe the Good News.  

"Jesus forms a movement of people who trust him and believe his message.  They believe that they don't have to wait for this or that to happen, but rather they can begin living in a new and better way now....life for them is about an interactive relationship - reconciled to God and to one another - so they see their entire lives as an opportunity to make the beautiful music of God's kingdom so that more and more people will be drawn into it and so the world will be changed by their growing influence."

This is what my spirit yearns for. This is Good News!  Reconciled to God and to others.  Living a new and better way now.  And I love the phrase "They see their entire lives as an opportunity to make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom."

How cool to think of it as beautiful music!  I'm always so intrigued when I consider a person creating a song - creating a new arrangement of musical notes and lyrics.  How beautiful!  How impossible!  Haven't all possible arrangements of musical notes been put together by now? No! It's seemingly endless.  Even when someone does a cover of a song, they can rearrange, add, or spin it to be new.  

God is endless creativity - just like music.  There is no limit to the creative expression we can tap into when we are reconciled with THE Creator!  We can "make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom" and it can be fresh and new every single day.  It can never be stagnant.  

We can enjoy music that has been made and has been passed down and has endured.  We can create new music.  We can certainly be drawn to different expressions, styles and forms of music.  Just like my husband feels his spirit lift while he's by the ocean and mine when I'm on a trail surrounded by trees.  Some will find their spirit lift when music is lyrically pointing them to truth about God.  Some will feel a deep stirring when the poetry in the music leads them to contemplation.  Some enjoy the simple chords and lyrics that invite ease to sing along.  Some enjoy the unpredictable, almost free flowing, unscripted, unchartered route of a guitar riff that you can get lost in and it seems to have no beginning or end.  

For me, music speaks to a part of my soul that nothing else seems to penetrate.  It transcends my typical pathway of assimilating information.  It opens up a new pathway - beyond the cerebral, cognitive, logical, thinking part of my being - reaching deeper, further, wider.  It bypasses the well traveled route I rely on to assess information.  It goes to my spirit.  

So, I really love that he used this analogy - we can "make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom".

It's overwhelming! It's creative beauty that is endless and beyond words, reasoning and logic.  
Yet, I also know that when people study music, it actually integrates mathematics and unwavering rules of the design of the universe.  

Isn't that just a picture of God? Endlessly creative, yet somehow woven in to a particular structure that is set and enduring and even predictable.  

It's a paradox.  I love it! Truth always seems to involve paradox.  It stretches me.  Is music boundless, creative and ever evolving, or is it somehow restricted to unchanging rules of mathematics?  YES!  BOTH! 

So intriguing.  So beautiful.  So mysterious.  My appetite is insatiable - for new music - and for seeing God in new ways.  

Poems

 April is National Poetry Month. 

A while back, I was reading a book about poetry and I realized that actually attempting poetry is super vulnerable for me. It goes to such depths.  It's emotion on paper.  It's admitting the depths of awareness, feeling, emotion, uncertainty, confusion, delight.  Trying to express the transcendent.  And, if you don't know me well, you might not know that I prefer thinking to feeling.  Poetry exposes my feely side and I'm just learning to be OK with that part of myself. Plus I have no idea how to write poems.  

But, what the heck.  I have jotted down a few poems in my journal over some years and thought - why not share them here?

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Round and round we go

Where is the clock?

Nobody knows.

Stop!  Did you hear that?
A snowflake just fell.

Through the tick and the tock,

I could hardly tell.

Another.  Another. 

Does white carry sound?

Perfect stillness rests

I hear it clanging all around

The morning has broken

The morning in mine

The tick tock, the stillness

The gift of time.

It's there.  Or is it?

It surrounds us, and yet...

With tight fists I grab hold, 

And with open hands I get. 

Stop.  Go.  Stop.  Go...

In motion tremors thrill

but in the ring stands fighting

the desire to be still.

Who will be the victor?
Who takes home the prize?

Can you measure these opponents?

Will they score based on their size?

Run.  Accomplish.  Fight.  Win.

Then worthy you will be.

But stop, reflect, surrender, lose

And victory you might see.  

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Too much pain

Disconnect

See the smile

Shut down the heart

Too much pain

The dagger is a threat

I can't let it puncture

Shift, dodge, scroll, move

Keep moving

The blade finds willing flesh

Their words ooze from the wounds

But not me

Keep them all inside

They are my oxygen

My lungs swell

Exhale

Controlled, alive, protected

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Woosh.  Woosh.

A friendly dragon breathes in the morning sun.

The breeze carries it away.

Woosh.  Woosh.

My heart lifts!  

I know this.

I remember this!

It is colors.

Rising on a breeze.

Saying yes to the trees...and then no

Lifting with each exhale

But I lift with each inhale

We're breathing together

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Colors

Sounds

Creamy blue palette

Green rustling and swaying

How can I hear a breeze?

Only as it catches what impedes it's path.

How can it be so beautiful?

It's invisible.

Yet, my breath catches in my throat.

Branches sway and leaves dance. 

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A lifetime of training

Lean in, not away.

Open arms for an embrace

Answer yes, it's OK.

What are you protecting?
Why is it so hard?
Others make it look so easy.

Let down your guard.

Not sure when it happened.

But training works that way.

I think I'm one of them now

there's nothing I need to say.

Stop

Recoil

Don't

Not safe!

There's an enemy among us

we must not make mistakes.

That person isn't the enemy

Defeat is in the space between us

Resist the desire for closeness

Retreat to self protection is a must

Stranger on the street

Move away and nod discreetly

Hold your breath and speculate

Wish the categories lined up neatly.

Us and them

Nothing makes sense

Do I make exceptions

in my line of defense?

Can I?  Should I/

Who do I ask?

Knowing right and wrong

Has become and impossible task.

What felt like selfless and loving

has become a selfish act.

Do you want to be part of the problem?

All invitations you must retract.

It won't always be this way

Don't let it harden your heart

Grieve the temporary loss

And let perfect love do it's part.

There's no condemnation in love

No judgement, no keeping score

No fear, no worry, no envy, no pride

And when it runs out, there is more!