From the daily meditation from CAC
"We have to begin with dualistic thinking, just as we must develop a healthy ego and frame before we can move beyond it. Jesus often made strong binary statements "you cannot serve God and money"..."separate the sheep from the goats". We must first be capable of some basic distinctions between good and evil before we can hold paradox...we must first succeed at good dualistic thinking before we also discover it's inadequacy in terms of wisdom and compassion....Jesus teaches both dualistic clarity and non-dual wisdom and compassion: Matthew 5:45 My sun shines on the good and the bad; his rain falls on both the just and the unjust".
He goes on to point out that the ego loves a dualistic worldview. Good people are rewarded and bad people are punished. But the Spirit of Unconditional love can't condemn. That's not love.
God's love is just too good to comprehend. So, I can look back and remember times when my dualistic mindset was challenged by God's love. And I can recall the struggle, first to embrace this kind of grace and love as true, and then to adjust my own heart from a posture of judgement to compassion and love. Both for myself and for others.
Man, as I read my journal from 2012, it was more brutal than I recalled. I thought the bulk of my "wrestling" was before that. But I was wrestling hard. I think maybe 2010-2011 was the time of breaking down the dualistic framework, but 2012 was the challenge of actually rebuilding it to a framework of paradox, mystery, love, grace, compassion. I had all of the tools and materials to build it, but I struggled. It didn't feel like a nice secure framework like dualism did. How could it possibly hold up? ...It was so helpful to read and listen to others who have embraced a different framework - one that makes so much more sense and doesn't make me try to fit everything neatly into the small box of certainty. The box was still there for me - for years. But I knew I was slowly blowing the sides off and knew I would eventually not have the box at all. I told my direct reports/leaders at my church job that I could feel the box getting pushed and destroyed and that the church was inside of the box. I said that when I knew I no longer had that box at all anymore, I would need to leave my ministry position at that church. And that's what I did.
But I don't hate those who I perceive as being inside that box. I try not to judge - but I don't always suceeed. I am grateful for being invited into that box over 30 years ago. I am grateful for the container I was in before that - the one my catholic family and community provided. Both gave me such a wonderful foundation. It's just that, the more I questioned and wrestled and pushed, the bigger I realized God could be. Al lot of the tension I felt about my faith was cuased by trying to fit God into my preferred container. When I finally blew up the container completely, I was free to experience the MAGNITUDE of love that is beyond my comprehension - but I've always suspected existed. THIS love is so compelling and so mysterious. I can't get enough of seeking MORE!
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