Poetry

My free flow of thought typically comes as prose, rather than poetry.  But I desire to see the world as a poet.  So, periodically, I attempt to jot down some poems. I don't love them, but if I don't try, I'll never grow.  

Pain is a reminder
An alarm
A siren screaming out it's warning
You are not invincible
You are in danger
You are fragile
Pain is a connector
Not only can you see it in others
But you can feel the grief, the loss, the fear
Moving from pity to compassion to empathy
Feeling the plunging from hope to despair
Understanding the loneliness of suffering
Tasting the loss of independence
Imagining the resilience of healing the spirit
Pain is humbling
The body is miraculous
Healing is supernatural

Flow
Water finds it's way
past rocks and branches
into eddies and rapids
lying still
evaporating
falling from clouds
It doesn't worry about what's next
It doesn't strive
It doesn't fight against
nature
Air finds it's way
though valleys
up mountains
obstacles are opportunities
leaves, weeds, grass
making the invisible 
seen
traveling to lungs
into blood and cells
always happy to
make an exchange
giving and taking
whatever is needed
to promote life.
The Spirit finds it's way
obeying directives
when it's asked to hide
when it's invited to speak
when it's denied so long
it's forgotten
But it doesn't change
It waits for connection
pathways of the heart
where it can speak
it's native tongue
promoting life, love and truth.

Gratitude is like electricity
it pulses through my body
waves of pure energy.
It's like a breeze
I notice when it brushes my skin
I crave it when the heat is stifling
It brings relief
from stagnancy, discomfort, monotony
It is fuel
for creativity
It is a key
unlocking and releasing
opening the heart space
It is a release valve
creating the space for resentment 
to escape
allowing the grip of self pity
to unclench it's fist
the power if gratitude
feels like an atomic bomb
capable of detonating and spreading
far and wide
shocking people with it's power
leaving everyone in it's wake
forever changed

 

Breathe in forgiveness

 "Forgiveness is the air we breathe in the Kingdom" - Donna Winship. 

Considering what unforgiveness I breathe in regularly. I like to see myself as very forgiving, and I do find my way there most of the time pretty quickly.  

But...

Do I forgive the world for being the way it is? Do I forgive others for being who they are? Do I forgive myself for being the way I am?

Yes.  But...

When I recall (or even imagine) what a particular person says and I ruminate on it, I'm breathing in the toxic poison of unforgiveness.  That air fills me and starts to snuff out love and peace.  My focus narrows and all I see is offense.  My creativity is diminished and I spend my beautiful gift of imagination coming up with potential responses or actions that will "get" them.  When I breathe in forgiveness, my spirit opens up to peace and love, and my imagination and creativity expand to consider how I might shine light into darkness, peace into conflict, love into fear. 

It's OK to FEEL whatever feelings arise when I learn of evil, injustice, greed, catastrophic events, suffering, oppression.  But the tension comes when I try to let go of the unforgiveness and simply allow some acceptance.  If I forgive, am I complicit? Don't I need to remain enraged in order to be a part of the solution? 

It's a paradox.

Engage in the suffering of the world, allow myself to open to compassion and empathy, allow FEELINGS of sadness, anger, and fear.  And....forgive the world for being what it is.  Don't let sadness turn to despair, anger to rage, fear to hopelessness.  In breathing in forgiveness, I'm opening up spiritual wisdom, Kingdom wisdom, and the promises of comfort, hope, guidance and love as I continue to wrestle with the real feelings.  

I would prefer to ignore the evil, or to dodge the feelings that come when I pay attention to the pain in the world.  So, when I embrace a concept like "forgiving", my preference would be to forgive on the front end and let all of the yucky things bounce off of me and avoid letting them in.

But I've learned that compassion and love come from living in the paradox of pain and forgiveness, disappointment and acceptance, fear and love.  And that requires more from me than avoidance.  Avoidance allows me to control what can affect me.  Opening my heart let's a lot of stuff in that makes me feel completely out of control,  

I'm choosing to breathe in forgiveness....

We cannot GET there, we can only BE there

 From my daily meditation from CAC.  I rewrote almost the whole thing...

"...It's almost the only task of religion - to communicate not worthiness, but union; to reconnect us with our original identity "hidden with Christ in God"  The Bible calls the state of separateness sin...
the word sin has so many unhelpful connotations...for most of us it does not connote a state of alienation or separateness.  Instead it connotes naughty behavior and moral unworthiness.  But these are symptoms...disconnected people will do stupid and harmful things...we cannot ever become perfect or "worthy" but we can become reconnected to the Source. Sin describes a state of fragmentation - when the part thinks it's separate from the whole.  It's the loss of any inner experience of who we are in God.  That "who" is nothing we can earn or obtain, it's nothing we can accomplish or work up to.  We already have it! The biblical revelation is about awakening, not accomplishing...we cannot GET there, we can only BE there...but that is too good to be true...the ego makes it about achievement and attainment...At that point religion becomes a worthiness contest in which everybody loses...yet union with God is a revolution of the mind...a conversion...that deep and wonderous inner knowing - a whole new set of behaviors and lifestyle will surely emerge...I must first come to experience God's love, then I will - almost naturally - be moral"

I have reframed my understanding of this many years ago.  Yet I continually have to work to avoid falling into the old mindset of a more judicial view of sin, God, reward, punishment.  I'm not alone in my desire to have a God who is all about justice - reward the good, punish the bad.  But, if I stay in that mindset long enough, inevitably it leads me to a hamster wheel of trying to be worthy of perfect love.  Because, if I have to earn it or be good enough for it, what is "good enough"? 

I can remember being a kid, reflecting deeply on God and on myself and I genuinely concluded that, overall I'm a good person who cares about others and who does not hurt other people, so surely God will not cast ME into eternal hellfire.  I was pretty convinced, in this view of God, that I could coast along and just not hurt anyone purposefully, and God would be gracious enough to let me into heaven when I died.  I believed that hell must be reserved for unremorseful murderers and the like. 

But, in that worldview, I was still separate form God entirely - relying on a benevolence I needed to believe in to deem me "good enough".  There was no connection to God, no belonging, no real flow of love, truth, encouragement, healing, identity.  I felt like I just had to figure out who God was and then also figure out I was and then try to outweigh more good than bad in my behavior so that some day I would receive reward and not punishment.

But that disconnection was already my punishment! I was separate from the spirit who created me and loved me fully and who was available to help me discover how I was uniquely designed. 

But once I invited THAT spirit in to invade my heart, mind, and soul - I experienced belonging and fullness and connection and discovery of truth and wisdom and direction.  And I experienced an unceasing outpouring of admiration, love, and grace...I experienced being completely seen and completely loved - no need to prove myself or to hide the things I was ashamed of.  In that connection, I could experience my worthiness and fullness and then simply live with a desire to STAY in that place of connection.  That leads to some shifts in behaviors - not because God condemns me, but because I want to be FULLY connected and some things cause me to disconnect. 

Blowing up the box

 From the daily meditation from CAC

"We have to begin with dualistic thinking, just as we must develop a healthy ego and frame before we can move beyond it.  Jesus often made strong binary statements "you cannot serve God and money"..."separate the sheep from the goats".  We must first be capable of some basic distinctions between good and evil before we can hold paradox...we must first succeed at good dualistic thinking before we also discover it's inadequacy in terms of wisdom and compassion....Jesus teaches both dualistic clarity and non-dual wisdom and compassion: Matthew 5:45  My sun shines on the good and the bad; his rain falls on both the just and the unjust".

He goes on to point out that the ego loves a dualistic worldview. Good people are rewarded and bad people are punished.  But the Spirit of Unconditional love can't condemn.  That's not love.

God's love is just too good to comprehend.  So, I can look back and remember times when my dualistic mindset was challenged by God's love.  And I can recall the struggle, first to embrace this kind of grace and love as true, and then to adjust my own heart from a posture of judgement to compassion and love.  Both for myself and for others. 

Man, as I read my journal from 2012, it was more brutal than I recalled.  I thought the bulk of my "wrestling" was before that.  But I was wrestling hard.  I think maybe 2010-2011 was the time of breaking down the dualistic framework, but 2012 was the challenge of actually rebuilding it to a framework of paradox, mystery, love, grace, compassion.  I had all of the tools and materials to build it, but I struggled.  It didn't feel like a nice secure framework like dualism did.  How could it possibly hold up? ...It was so helpful to read and listen to others who have embraced a different framework - one that makes so much more sense and doesn't make me try to fit everything neatly into the small box of certainty.  The box was still there for me - for years.  But I knew I was slowly blowing the sides off and knew I would eventually not have the box at all.  I told my direct reports/leaders at my church job that I could feel the box getting pushed and destroyed and that the church was inside of the box.  I said that when I knew I no longer had that box at all anymore, I would need to leave my ministry position at that church.  And that's what I did.

But I don't hate those who I perceive as being inside that box.  I try not to judge - but I don't always suceeed.  I am grateful for being invited into that box over 30 years ago.  I am grateful for the container I was in before that - the one my catholic family and community provided.  Both gave me such a wonderful foundation.  It's just that, the more I questioned and wrestled and pushed, the bigger I realized God could be.  Al lot of the tension I felt about my faith was cuased by trying to fit God into my preferred container.  When I finally blew up the container completely, I was free to experience the MAGNITUDE of love that is beyond my comprehension - but I've always suspected existed.  THIS love is so compelling and so mysterious.  I can't get enough of seeking MORE!

Grace and Love

 I do think I have spent a lot of time being hard on myself and expecting better and more.  Reading through my old journal and seeing so many "forgive me..." statements - often claiming to be selfish, impatient, judgmental, lazy, etc.  

But those terms don't feel right.  They seem like categories that invoke shame.  I am selfish.  I am lazy.  etc.  When really I simply desire for more compassion, love and forgiveness in my spirit.

As I contemplate grace, I'm not sure it can impact me in the same way unless I have some awareness of not deserving or earning it.

So, in that way, when I reflect on my shortcomings, it makes grace all the more beautiful, mysterious, and appreciated.

Your love is....it just is...it is in me, all around me, everywhere, in all things.  It doesn't wait to be earned or deserved.  It can't.  It just is...

That fills me up, lifts me up, and helps me to operate from love.  The more I practice, the more I will shine love as a natural reaction to simply being alive. 

I do find it puzzling that we have to work so hard to simply exist in the reality of love.  It's in us, all around us, in others, and is available endlessly.  But, so many people do not experience it at all or struggle to connect with it.  Even I, seeking more, believing, knowing, need to focus moment by moment to the pull away from love and the action required to surrender to love.  It's weird.  How are we so removed from the goodness and wholeness we were created with?  We learn to be separate I guess?  We learn to fear, be defensive, self protect, self promote, and to judge, divide, oppress, or find ways to elevate ourselves.  

But love restores, redeems, heals.  That means we get to carry the power of love into the world, bringing healing and restoration.  But we need to choose to carry that power.  Otherwise, we simply join the forces that cause pain, trauma, division, and unforgiveness.

faith and not-knowing

I was reading a daily mediation, and I found myself re-reading the entire thing, because it invigorated me. Then the excitement faded and I was left with a feeling of confusion and disappointment.  Why don't more people see this?  Get this?  Consider this?

I guess they aren't wired like me - to question everything and then to question again.  Never resting on what I know,  but always in wonder of what I do not yet know or understand.

I guess there were plenty of years in my life that I understood faith to be an unwavering certainty that I had the right answers to the big questions. And I guess I probably feared the discovery of anything that could contradict my certainty.  

But...I just couldn't settle for  a worldview where all mysteries of the universe were neatly explained in my limited intellect - never to be challenged or changed again  (because I had faith that I was right).  

That just didn't satisfy me.

And for a while I was frustrated with my need to question everything.  It felt like such a burden and such a distraction from simply "having faith" and "doing the right things" as outlined by Christianity.

It was one of the best things that ever happened for me when I learned to embrace, celebrate, and enjoy my questions, doubts, and uncertainty!  I can remember that time in my life. Through reading books and listening to teachings and experiencing my own mystical exploration of spirit, I felt like my mind, body, and spirit came to life in a new way.

So, I guess I do understand how someone could end up trapped in a closed mindset, unwilling to explore growth.  It threatens what they might feel is their faith.  I was there myself.  I just could not stay there.

What if I hadn't had those authors, teachers, thinkers and thought leaders sharing what they had learned?  Could I have arrived at the place of celebrating my doubts and questions without the community and connections of those trusted people?

Part of my compulsion to write is simply my learning process.  I can slow down my flow of thoughts enough to articulate them.  And then I can go back and read what I was learning. But I can't help but consider sharing some of what I learn.  Because, I'm so grateful for what was shared with me!

What I read that left me intrigued was about how scientists practice an openness to new questions and discoveries, which seems more like "faith" than the certainty that is embraced by many Christians. 

Modern scientists move forward with some degree of not-knowing, which is what pulls them to discover.  They remain open to new evidence that would tweak or change the previous "belief".  Whereas, many religious people insist upon complete knowing at the beginning - and being certain every step of the way.  It's a dead end; impossible to grow, discover or learn.

And, although scientists can really only study the material world, they have also come up with "beliefs" to explain things like dark matter, black holes, chaos theory, string theory, and other things they cannot prove exist - they know them first by their effects, or evidence, then work backwards.  Look at quantum physics!!

There's a humility in scientists that we don't often see in clergy or "true believers".  Many scientists believe in the reality of things that are invisible, even spiritual, more than many "believers" do!

But can I blame people of faith?  If their trusted spiritual leader is communicating that faith = certainty and that anything that threatens, shakes, or changes that certainty is to be avoided, feared and fought against - they could easily view a new discovery as an evil force that is tempting them to compromise their true faith. 

And if they're taught to avoid and resist evil, they might tighten their grip on their certainty so aggressively that they begin to worship certainty and their need to be right above loving and following Jesus - the object of their faith and the very mystery of love.

They could easily interpret any thoughts or ideas that cause them to question what they've already been taught as a threat to not only resist but to actively FIGHT against.

Hmmmm.

Isn't that exactly what happened to Jesus?  The religious leaders already "knew" God and God's plans.  Jesus was a new idea that did not fit in the faith they were so certain of.  He threatened their very certainty - and they didn't simply dismiss him, they actually KILLED him!  They would rather murder than have their certainty threatened.

It shouldn't be surprising that people of faith do the same thing today.  When something threatens their certainty, they see it as evil and want to eliminate it.

It confuses me and makes me sad that people can call themselves believers or followers of Jesus and yet remain unwilling to explore the ways of Jesus and to acknowledge the radical way he addressed religious people and challenged them to change (repent, turn). 

Jesus brought good news to all people. He brought a message of forgiveness, unity and compassion.  He lifted up those who were oppressed, forgotten, judged and mistreated.  He brought a commission to expand the kingdom of love and freedom and hope on earth.  But, he wouldn't follow the rules.  He disregarded tradition and put people before laws.  And the religious people would not have it.  He disrupted their order.  They refused to be open to change or growth.  

I'm grateful that my insuppressible curiosity has allowed me to be open to change and growth. And I hold on to hope that others will discover the revolutionary love of Jesus and allow his spirit to change them as well.

Hope

Earlier this week I was talking with some friends about hope and about how it sometimes feels risky to hope.  Why set yourself up for possible disappointment?  What if I hope and then I'm let down? Then we talked about how faith is being certain of what you HOPE for.

Today as I was reading a reflection/meditation, I came across this

"I believe that, as "children of the resurrection" we are both burdened and brightened by a cosmic and irrepressible hope- and we can never fully live up to it.  We are both burdened and brightened with the gift of an optimism whose head waters are neither rational, scientific, nor even provable to those who do not have it, yet, it ticks away from a deep place within us"

Why do I dare to hope?  Dare to dream?  Dare to encourage others to do the same?  It only sets us up for discouragement if our hopes are not fulfilled, right?  But, what if the hope deep within me is irrepressible?  It's not from my logical mind.  What if it's nestled into my spirit and when I'm still and quiet, it bubbles to the surface where I can feel it with my senses and experience it...in my heart, and maybe eventually in my mind as well?

It  doesn't originate where my logic and reason dominate.  It begins somewhere else, and rises up into that region in my mind, politely nudging it's way in.  Then it presents new ways of thinking; fresh ideas and possibilities that I hadn't considered.  

It is creativity.

It is possibility, wonder, unconventional wisdom.  It is the presence of the very power of creation itself.

Hope

And I want more of it.

Being stuck in what I "already know" doesn't bring me much hope.  I can take those 10,000 puzzle pieces of what I already know and rearrange them for eternity yet that will never create something new. I try to convince myself that surely I have enough pieces, and if I just shift them around a bit more, I will put together a new thing.  But it seems to keep leading me to the same outcome where all of the pieces fit neatly and create the logical image I had already been familiar with.  Or, in my determination to make something new, the pieces get crammed into one another in new ways, leading to something dissatisfying that doesn't exactly feel right but "could" work.

Instead, I have access to unlimited new pieces to create new things that I haven't yet seen or imagined.  When I spend time in stillness and contemplation and receiving from the ultimate creative source, I get so many more pieces to create with! It brings me hope! It allows me to dream that possibilities are actually endless and often just beyond what I have settled for already knowing or understanding.

Of course, there are other practices that can help us discover the gift of hope, but this one is most notable for me.  Being quiet and listening....Being still and waiting....trusting that hope is there, even when I am having difficulty experiencing it. 

Good News, God's Kingdom, and Music

Just sharing a reflection from my journal about Good News, God's Kingdom, and music. 

I love this word picture I read to describe the Good News.  

"Jesus forms a movement of people who trust him and believe his message.  They believe that they don't have to wait for this or that to happen, but rather they can begin living in a new and better way now....life for them is about an interactive relationship - reconciled to God and to one another - so they see their entire lives as an opportunity to make the beautiful music of God's kingdom so that more and more people will be drawn into it and so the world will be changed by their growing influence."

This is what my spirit yearns for. This is Good News!  Reconciled to God and to others.  Living a new and better way now.  And I love the phrase "They see their entire lives as an opportunity to make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom."

How cool to think of it as beautiful music!  I'm always so intrigued when I consider a person creating a song - creating a new arrangement of musical notes and lyrics.  How beautiful!  How impossible!  Haven't all possible arrangements of musical notes been put together by now? No! It's seemingly endless.  Even when someone does a cover of a song, they can rearrange, add, or spin it to be new.  

God is endless creativity - just like music.  There is no limit to the creative expression we can tap into when we are reconciled with THE Creator!  We can "make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom" and it can be fresh and new every single day.  It can never be stagnant.  

We can enjoy music that has been made and has been passed down and has endured.  We can create new music.  We can certainly be drawn to different expressions, styles and forms of music.  Just like my husband feels his spirit lift while he's by the ocean and mine when I'm on a trail surrounded by trees.  Some will find their spirit lift when music is lyrically pointing them to truth about God.  Some will feel a deep stirring when the poetry in the music leads them to contemplation.  Some enjoy the simple chords and lyrics that invite ease to sing along.  Some enjoy the unpredictable, almost free flowing, unscripted, unchartered route of a guitar riff that you can get lost in and it seems to have no beginning or end.  

For me, music speaks to a part of my soul that nothing else seems to penetrate.  It transcends my typical pathway of assimilating information.  It opens up a new pathway - beyond the cerebral, cognitive, logical, thinking part of my being - reaching deeper, further, wider.  It bypasses the well traveled route I rely on to assess information.  It goes to my spirit.  

So, I really love that he used this analogy - we can "make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom".

It's overwhelming! It's creative beauty that is endless and beyond words, reasoning and logic.  
Yet, I also know that when people study music, it actually integrates mathematics and unwavering rules of the design of the universe.  

Isn't that just a picture of God? Endlessly creative, yet somehow woven in to a particular structure that is set and enduring and even predictable.  

It's a paradox.  I love it! Truth always seems to involve paradox.  It stretches me.  Is music boundless, creative and ever evolving, or is it somehow restricted to unchanging rules of mathematics?  YES!  BOTH! 

So intriguing.  So beautiful.  So mysterious.  My appetite is insatiable - for new music - and for seeing God in new ways.  

Poems

 April is National Poetry Month. 

A while back, I was reading a book about poetry and I realized that actually attempting poetry is super vulnerable for me. It goes to such depths.  It's emotion on paper.  It's admitting the depths of awareness, feeling, emotion, uncertainty, confusion, delight.  Trying to express the transcendent.  And, if you don't know me well, you might not know that I prefer thinking to feeling.  Poetry exposes my feely side and I'm just learning to be OK with that part of myself. Plus I have no idea how to write poems.  

But, what the heck.  I have jotted down a few poems in my journal over some years and thought - why not share them here?

---------------------------------------------
Round and round we go

Where is the clock?

Nobody knows.

Stop!  Did you hear that?
A snowflake just fell.

Through the tick and the tock,

I could hardly tell.

Another.  Another. 

Does white carry sound?

Perfect stillness rests

I hear it clanging all around

The morning has broken

The morning in mine

The tick tock, the stillness

The gift of time.

It's there.  Or is it?

It surrounds us, and yet...

With tight fists I grab hold, 

And with open hands I get. 

Stop.  Go.  Stop.  Go...

In motion tremors thrill

but in the ring stands fighting

the desire to be still.

Who will be the victor?
Who takes home the prize?

Can you measure these opponents?

Will they score based on their size?

Run.  Accomplish.  Fight.  Win.

Then worthy you will be.

But stop, reflect, surrender, lose

And victory you might see.  

--------------------------------------------------

Too much pain

Disconnect

See the smile

Shut down the heart

Too much pain

The dagger is a threat

I can't let it puncture

Shift, dodge, scroll, move

Keep moving

The blade finds willing flesh

Their words ooze from the wounds

But not me

Keep them all inside

They are my oxygen

My lungs swell

Exhale

Controlled, alive, protected

---------------------------------------------

Woosh.  Woosh.

A friendly dragon breathes in the morning sun.

The breeze carries it away.

Woosh.  Woosh.

My heart lifts!  

I know this.

I remember this!

It is colors.

Rising on a breeze.

Saying yes to the trees...and then no

Lifting with each exhale

But I lift with each inhale

We're breathing together

------------------------------------------------------

Colors

Sounds

Creamy blue palette

Green rustling and swaying

How can I hear a breeze?

Only as it catches what impedes it's path.

How can it be so beautiful?

It's invisible.

Yet, my breath catches in my throat.

Branches sway and leaves dance. 

-------------------------------------------------------

A lifetime of training

Lean in, not away.

Open arms for an embrace

Answer yes, it's OK.

What are you protecting?
Why is it so hard?
Others make it look so easy.

Let down your guard.

Not sure when it happened.

But training works that way.

I think I'm one of them now

there's nothing I need to say.

Stop

Recoil

Don't

Not safe!

There's an enemy among us

we must not make mistakes.

That person isn't the enemy

Defeat is in the space between us

Resist the desire for closeness

Retreat to self protection is a must

Stranger on the street

Move away and nod discreetly

Hold your breath and speculate

Wish the categories lined up neatly.

Us and them

Nothing makes sense

Do I make exceptions

in my line of defense?

Can I?  Should I/

Who do I ask?

Knowing right and wrong

Has become and impossible task.

What felt like selfless and loving

has become a selfish act.

Do you want to be part of the problem?

All invitations you must retract.

It won't always be this way

Don't let it harden your heart

Grieve the temporary loss

And let perfect love do it's part.

There's no condemnation in love

No judgement, no keeping score

No fear, no worry, no envy, no pride

And when it runs out, there is more!

My Dad

It's been 4 months since we lost my Dad.

We had the opportunity to get up and share at the funeral home during the visitation for my Dad.

I jotted down some notes.  Here are a few things I talked about.

We joke about how he walks. One arm swinging.  Leaning forward.  I remember my Mom saying I could always keep up with him - even as a little kid with my short legs.  
Sometimes Timm says "pump the brakes Harold" to me when my pace is high speed.

Not sure who remembers when he had to try the skateboard in Florida and wiped out.  Sometimes when I'm moving faster than is safe, or I try something I probably shouldn't, Timm might say "easy Harold".

When I injured my pinky finger playing basketball and I just wanted to go home, but Timm insisted I go to the emergency room. Now I have a bent pinky, just like my Dad.  And when I had torn a muscle pretty bad - that time he didn't even have to say it - I know Timm was thinking "you're just like your Dad."

He might be poking fun - but I love to hear someone say I'm just like my Dad.

I hope so

I posted a picture of him on Facebook saying I'll miss his smile and several people commented that they see his smile in mine.

I hope so.

I hope I can carry on his spirit.

Over and over as I made call this weekend, or sent texts, I would get the same response "Oh No! Not Harold.  He was so happy and friendly and helpful and kind."  Most people added  - "and I just talked to him!"

He wasn't always a patient man.  I put him over the edge more than a few times when I was a sassy, spunky, energetic kid.  Sometimes I think I slowed him down with all of my questions and "yah but's".  But as he aged, he grew more and more patient.

With my kids and all of the grandkids, he welcomed them into whatever he was doing.  My girls loved to go out and pick sugar snap peas or cucumbers.  He would let them do it themselves while he carried a basket, and they felt treasured.  

I see the kids next door.  How he invited them in to learn about farming and gardening.

In Florida, any time I talked to him he would be doing something for the condo or for someone else.  Always asking everyone how they're doing...and then listening.  And then offering help.  Or inviting someone else to help him.  I hear he has an apprentice recently doing some of the plants with him.  Now he has someone who can step in and take some of it over.

That's pretty much what I shared at the funeral home.  But, I'd add:

Our motto in our home is "Live 360".  It's our mission to try our best to always have 360 vision - looking all around and asking God to give us his eyes to see people.  And not just to see people, but to love and care for them.  

And I'm not sure if I ever fully realized that's how Dad lived.

He didn't go out and find kids in need and create a program where the kids would come and work in his fields.  No, he saw the neighbor kids and he invited them.  It can be that simple. 

He didn't go looking to volunteer with big brothers, but I heard several of my brother's friends say that my Dad was a father figure to them and they learned so much by being around him.  They said they always felt welcome and treated like family. 

He didn't need to arrange elaborate programs at his condo, he just saw every person and learned their name and their story.  They all knew he was interested in them.  He cared about the grounds and worked to improve the landscaping.  He watered plants, replaced some that needed it, and talked with the hired crews to ensure the work was done well. 

He wasn't a hospice volunteer on a team, but when his sister was dying, he talked with her every day and was there to love and serve her - and then to take care of everything when she passed.  

His neighbor in Michigan shared that not only was my Dad the best neighbor, but also the best man he'd ever met.  

All of the grandkids shared the he made each feel like his favorite - and was always interested in their lives.  He supported them in whatever they did, even if he didn't fully understand it. 

He was available to everyone who crossed his path. He lived 360.

Why pray?

I woke up yesterday feeling the best I have since this whole Coronavirus life change started.
Why?
Probably a combination of things.
Maybe I was just lucky to land in the "acceptance" stage of grief for a day.
But, I also think it was interesting that I woke up the night before and couldn't fall back to sleep.  I wouldn't say I was feeling anxious, just awake.
I did have thoughts springing into my mind.  I considered just getting up for the day, but I checked my phone and it was only 2:15am.
Nope.  Not getting up.
But I thought it might be helpful to just write things on my task list on my phone as I thought of things so I could get them out of my head.
So that's what I did.
If I thought of something, I would jot it down.
Then I laid there and prayed. 
I prayed for people and situations and people groups.
Then I recited the Lord's prayer repeatedly. 
Eventually, I fell asleep.
So, when I woke up the next morning  I felt rested and....motivated.
Weird.
I have been feeling so low and overwhelmed and just foggy.  It was noticeable to me that I felt more clear-headed.
I grabbed coffee and started my daily morning time of reading, praying, listening, and writing.
First I read something in a daily email meditation about how Jesus said "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" and the reflections said "If our soul is at rest in the comforting sweetness and softness of God, we can bear the hardness of life."
That felt so comforting to read.
I thought about how I had been up the night before, but never felt anxious about it.  I prayed, I surrendered, then I prayed some more.
Next I moved on to read Luke 22 and saw the familiar story of Jesus praying, then returning to his disciples and finding them asleep.  He said "Why are you sleeping?  Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
I found it interesting that he didn't say "get up and pray for me" or "pray for things to turn out the way you want".
No, he says to pray SO THAT you won't fall into temptation. 
Interesting.
Because the night before as I prayed the Lord's prayer, I had stopped after saying "lead us not into temptation..." and I wondered "really? do I need to pray that?  To not be led into temptation?  Temptation of what?"
So this wording really stood out to me.
Since it was interesting to me, I reread that part of the scripture and noticed something else I had never noticed before.
Before Jesus asks "Why are you sleeping?" it says "When he rose from prayer and went back to his disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow."
Hmmmmm.
Exhausted. 
From sorrow. 
They weren't just being lazy, undisciplined, or careless like I've always perceived.
They were exhausted from sorrow.
And in that sorrow, Jesus knew they could be tempted.
So he asks them to pray.
I can relate.
I have experienced exhaustion from sorrow lately.
And in that exhaustion, I'm tempted to feel like nothing I do matters.
That's my temptation.
And, it was as if Jesus said to me at 2am "Why are you sleeping?  Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
It's a temptation for me to completely give up...to believe lies that there's nothing I can do...this is too big for me to even make a single ripple of a difference...why not just shut down...what do I possibly have to offer at this time?
But, in the night, ideas were coming to me.  It was as if my motivation showed back up.  I jotted down my ideas.  Nothing earth shattering or seemingly world changing, but ideas.  motivation.  It's what I had been lacking.
Then I woke up with a clear head.  Can't explain it.  But the fog had lifted a little. 
The temptation to believe I'm hopeless, helpless, not creative, and frankly not caring, had lifted.
I do care.
Deeply.
It's OK for me to feel sorrow.  It's OK for me to feel exhaustion.  It's OK for me to feel whatever I feel!
But, I believe there is an enemy who wants to find me when I'm down and tempt me to stay there and to experience hopelessness.
Nope.
I can pray. 
Why?
I can be reminded of my identity in Christ.
I can find my grounding.  My center.  My unchanging truth.
I can find wholeness even in my sorrow. 
And it is out of that wholeness that I can be who I was created to be. 

Truth in a whisper

I'm so grateful for a daily meditation I've been receiving via email.
A few of the quotes from today that hit me:
"God is eternal.  The human mind is finite.  If God could be comprehended, surrounded by a concept, this would make us greater than God"
and
"Alongside all our knowing must be the equal and honest 'knowing that I do not know'"
These are such freeing statements to my mind and heart.
It's so freeing for me to have well educated, well read, faithful, thoughtful, loving, curious people express what I'm already thinking.  It feels validating.
I've always found it perplexing how people can make statement about God or their worldview with such simplicity or such certainty.  For a while, I thought my goal was to read my bible and seek God and pray so that I, too, would have a rock solid certainty about who God is.  As if my ultimate hope was to finally get God inside of a box that I could easily explain to others- so that they could have God in a box too.
It's really strange to consider that would ever be a big enough hope.
Because, for me, as soon as I would get God inside my box, I would find myself a little disappointed and unsure.  It always bothered me that I was even encouraged to "share my faith" because I equated that with "put God into words and try to convey in spoken and written word all that God is".  And I would feel deep down in my spirit that if I could explain God with my limited intellect and vocabulary (in my one and only understood language) then God isn't very impressive after all.
To me, it makes so much more sense and gives me so much more hope and freedom to acknowledge and state that God is paradox, mystery, unknowing, just beyond my reach, just beyond my words, just beyond my explanation.  God is something I experience, feel and know in a part of myself that isn't language and reason.
Does that mean I can't share my faith?
No.
I still want to share this incredible hope and freedom and love with the world.  I want everyone to experience the love, grace, mercy and freedom that I believe is the hope of the world!  Of course I do.
But it actually makes me a little sick feeling to dumb that down to one bible verse or one cliche statement, or one certain idea that is meant to convey all that God is.
Especially something so weird like "God sent Jesus and you have to believe he's the only way to heaven or you'll be tortured for eternity."
What the?
That's it?
That's God?
That's his big idea for us summed up in one statement?
Where's the beauty?  The love?  The mystery? The hope?  The freedom? The complexity?
How did that one idea become worthy of sharing, while essentially leaving everything else out as less relevant?  Blows my mind.
I remember growing up, surrounded by many who had faith.  I appreciate that I felt safe, that I had a deep sense of belonging, and that I felt "in".  Of course, it breaks my heart that I honestly assumed anyone who was involved in a different church or religion was misled and it was probably a cult, because our church was "right" so everyone else had to be "wrong".  It's the only way my faith could be strong.  I had to dig in my heels and be certain we were right.  So I had to exclude others.
But, of all that I learned and witnessed and heard, I can only remember one thing that triggered a sense of wonder and curiosity and hope.
It was when my Aunt Karin, my Godmother, would say to me "Jesus loves you."
And she took many opportunities to make sure I heard that.  She wrote it in my birthday cards, whispered it in my ear when she hugged me, looked me in the eye and said it when I was overwhelmed.
I attended Catholic school for 8 years of my formative childhood, I went to mass at least once a week, usually 2-3 times a week during the school year.  So I must have learned a lot.  I said the rosary with my Grandma frequently, did the stations of the cross during lent, made all of my sacraments, took holy Communion, made my confession every few months, and said my memorized prayers every day.
But the only thing I remember is "Jesus loves you" being whispered in my ear and something deep inside me wanting to believe that was true.
I don't have any memory of any other things I did, said, or thought bringing me to that feeling of hope.  My deep desire to believe I was loved.  That I was worthy of Jesus' love.  That I was connected somehow to the mysterious God through a love relationship that I did nothing to earn or deserve.
All of that yearning and hope was communicated to me somehow in that simple statement "Jesus loves you".
I could not have comprehended most of the thoughtful explanations I now enjoy reading about faith, grace, theology, and church history.
Yet, truth seems to find it's way to a soul that is searching.
And, for me, even as a child, my soul was searching for that truth.  And my Aunt Karin, who lived a life of obedience to her Jesus, wanted to share that truth with me.
Man, we over complicate things.  It's so weird.  Of course God is beyond our comprehension.  Of course we can't fully know God.
But we can seek truth.
And we can share hope and love.
And, if we believe it's true, we can simply whisper to someone "Jesus loves you."

Christians and rotten fruit

OK, it just ticks me off.
How can anyone throw around bible verses randomly and use them as an "argument" for how we are supposed to "live biblically"?
I get it, the bible is helpful for teaching, rebuking, training...I get it.
Helpful.
But here I am in Ephesians reading about how Husbands and Wives "should" love each other and how children "should" honor parents, and next think I know Paul is saying how slaves "should" obey, respect and fear their masters!  As they would Christ!?!?! COME ON!
Sure, he continues with beautiful sentiment about being a slave to Christ and showing that kind of love and being rewarded for that.  And he continues with the directive for Masters to treat slaves the same.
The point is, I just can not believe people pull out a bible verse and act like it's equal in authority, relevance or importance to any other verse just because maybe it says something that confirms or defends their position on something.
Or, out of sheer ignorance?  They really think every single word is a directive that is equal to every other.
Absurd.
Paul was addressing a community where slavery WAS happening.  There wasn't even a discussion on the table about slavery NOT happening.  So, he addresses what IS happening and suggests order, love, and respect within the existing circumstances.
But if someone pulls out the verse "slaves obey your earthly masters with respect, and fear and with sincerity of heart", they could use it to defend a position that God condones slavery.
UGH!
Absurd!
When Jesus gives the sermon on the mount he says "'by their fruit you shall know them"...and when asked about ALL Of the laws, he says they can be summed up in "Love God, love others."
So, when discussing a "biblical view" of something, grabbing a random verse to argue about a current issue, when that verse was written to a different culture at a different time, with different circumstances  I would hold it loosely.  Because, Jesus, who we worship, follow and believe, summed up the law!  So, yes, His words ARE more important and hold more weight.
We look at slavery and ask, does it produce good fruit?  Is it loving?
NO!
OK, then perhaps it is not something that should be supported and practiced in the kingdom of God....by those who proclaim to be in the kingdom.
Of course, this fires me up, not so much because I experience modern-day people trying to defend slavery using bible verses.  But I do see many Christians pulling out bible verses and using them to defend their actions of judgement, condemnation, cruelty, and discrimination towards LGBTQ people.  Yet, I would argue that if you look at the random verses being yanked out of context, they are not referring to a loving, monogamous, committed, same-sex relationship.  The references were about lust, sex, violence, oppression, rape, orgies, prostitution.  There aren't references to respectful, mutually condoning, loving, physical relationships between same sex partners.  So, to yank out a verse that's referring rape, violence and orgies and to compare it to our modern culture of same sex couples who are desiring a respectful, loving, monogamous, life-long covenant of a shared life where they honor each other with love?  Wth?  Then the verse is not addressing their "behavior".
Let's look at the fruit!
The fruit of a loving, committed couple sharing self-sacrificial love with each other....submitted to Jesus, loving others, being on mission for the Kingdom....
Compared to....
The fruit of Christians demanding that they NOT love each other but instead try to change...or try to live a life alone and never marry...or repent and feel disgusted by who they are and view themselves as repulsive, sinful, deviant.  OH!  And they definitely can't serve in the church if they're in a loving, committed, mutually respectful same-sex marriage or relationship.  Their kingdom impact is not allowed in the church.
SO, they leave the church.
What kind of fruit is that?  ROTTEN FRUIT.
Meanwhile, where does that leave the church?
The church is chowing down on the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and seeing that as their place.  Yet, God said to stay away from that tree - or we're just trying to play God's role.  We're supposed to eat from the tree of life!  And we're supposed to share the fruit from the tree of live with everyone in the world!  And that fruit is SO GOOD...too good to be true.
But, we're too afraid of that freedom.  We don't trust it.  So, we get lured into the role of moral police.  That was never our place.
Love God.
Love Others.
Good Fruit.
When any person is driven AWAY from Jesus and His church and is made to feel unworthy or unwelcome, that is rotten fruit.
And it STINKS!
Do we not trust Jesus?  When someone meets Jesus, loves Jesus, surrenders to Jesus as Lord...do we not trust Jesus to deal with the stuff in their life that is falling short or missing the mark?
I really don't want the job of judging each person.  I don't.  How can I LOVE them when I'm so focused on assessing their moral worthiness?
But, it is a beautiful thing to witness good fruit.  When something is producing an overflow of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness...when something looks so much like Jesus it's compelling!  If that good fruit is flowing from a couple who is the same sex, I'm OK leaving that detail up to Jesus.  I can celebrate the fruit.  Being the sex police is exhausting.  Their relationship is NOT all about SEX! And I don't personally believe most bible verses about homosexual sex are referring to this kind of fruitful, loving relationship.  Most are referring to gang rape, oppression, violence, forcing sex on children, orgies, and prostitution.
There was not a cultural reference to what is in our current culture.
Just like in Ephesians when Paul addresses slaves and masters.  He didn't have any reference for a culture that did NOT have slaves.  In bible verses, there wasn't an available reference for same-sex covenant love relationships.  Only deviant ones.
When I watched the movie Bohemian Rhapsody, my heart broke for Freddy Mercury.  He longed for a loving relationship.  He tried to pursue one with a woman he loved.  But, when he acknowledged his attraction was to men, his only option was the underground, hidden, dark world of sexual deviants.  He wasn't allowed to pursue the kind of loving relationship he was desiring.  It was forbidden.
He finally did find it.  He found love.  And I would imagine it was incredibly difficult to reveal their love relationship to family, friends, and the world who knew him because he was so famous.  But, they did it anyways.  And, that man was the partner who loved Freddy through the rest of his days and to his dying day.  THAT was what Freddy wanted.  He didn't WANT promiscuous, underground, kinky, forbidden sex.  That's just the only thing that seemed available to him because of who he was attracted to.  He wanted LOVE!  He wanted to share his LIFE with someone - loving and serving each other.
And that LOVE looks like good fruit to me.
Much better fruit than loneliness, self hatred, solitude, and feeling unworthy.  Or the fruit of hidden, shameful, forbidden sex that no one can know about.  That's horrible.  To give a person no other option but to deny them LOVE.
OK.  Enough.  That's my rant for today.

Did God Kill Jesus? I don't think so.

Great time to be thinking about Easter, huh?
I know most people are feeling the excitement of Fall in the air, and even dreaming about the upcoming celebrations of Thanksgiving and maybe even Christmas.
But, for some reason, I am day dreaming about Easter.
Easter is my favorite.  It's the most meaningful time of year to me.
As a follower of Jesus, Easter is downright crazy.
I mean, it's one thing to believe in the whole Christmas story and about Jesus being born to a virgin and being the incarnation, human form of the God of the universe.  Yah, that's weird.
But, Easter? 
To believe that Jesus died and then after a couple of days he rose from the dead and was physically alive again, but he kinda looked different because some people close to him didn't even recognize him?  And then to believe that event has profound meaning to my life right now, 2000 years later?  That is beyond weird.  That's crazy.
But, that's what Christians believe!  That's what I believe!
And it is so weird and supernatural and mystical.
And, although I'm not planning to spend time defending why I would believe such a crazy thing actually happened, I do believe there is sufficient evidence that it did.
Anyways, for so many years of my life I've heard the explanation of Jesus' death framed as him being a sacrificial lamb, dying in my place, because God needs a blood sacrifice to atone for sins.  So, Jesus steps in and is that sacrifice for me. 
But, that inevitably leads me to view God as a bloodthirsty, vengeful entity.  And, it leads me to view myself as a sinful being unworthy of God's love but lucky because Jesus was worthy.
So, I'm left with a really crummy impression of God's character and my own.
But, in recent years, I've heard the death and resurrection of Jesus described differently.  And I'm left with a beautiful, flawless, perfect, all-loving impression of the triune God.  And I'm left feeling worthy, loved, victorious, fearless, and filled with hope and purpose.
Hmmmm
But because I've heard the substitutionary atonement theory repeatedly for over 40 years, I sometimes struggle to articulate what I REALLY  believe the resurrection is all about.
Victory over evil.
Victory over death.
A model of dying and rising - which is a continual part of my faith journey.  Die to self, rise up into the version of me that God created.  Continually.
From Cynthia Bourgeault's reflections: "Christianity has tended to view the resurrection as Jesus' triumph over physical death...but...it's meaning lies in something far deeper than merely the resurrection of a corpse.  Jesus' real purpose in this sacrifice was to wager his own life against his core conviction that love is stronger than death, and that laying down self, which is the essence of this love, leads not to death, but to life..."
She goes on about how this gives us an archetype for all of our personal experiences of dying and rising "reminding us that it is not only possible but imperative to fall through fear, into love because that is the only way we will ever truly know what it means to be alive".
This is SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL, helpful, inspiring, transformative and encouraging to contemplate than the idea of my being awful and unworthy of love until Jesus is brutally murdered in my place.
I don't believe I am unworthy or that I was unworthy.  Sure, I'm a sinner.  Because I am human and have to continually die to self and seek to be reborn as God's creation.  Always allowing His spirit to refine me, regenerate me, remind me.  His spirit reminds me that I was created by Him and he cherishes that creation.  He didn't create me as an unworthy sinner who he couldn't bear to look at because I'm too disgusting for His pure eyes - so he needed a mutilated Jesus to step between us so he could bear looking directly at my awful self.
What the?
That's crazy!
So, today I'm thinking about the end of my favorite season and the coming of the cooler months. 
And I'm thinking about Easter and the resurrection and the life of Jesus. 
I'm thinking about the infinite beauty of the love of God and the stark contrast between that light and the darkness that is sin and evil.
I truly do realize how weird it is to believe these things actually happened. And it's weird to believe these events continue to have profound affect on humanity in this present moment 2000 years later.
I could say so much more. 
Jesus was the ultimate scapegoat.  In perfect love, he took all of the hate, blame, rage, fear, and accusations...and he accepted it all with grace and mercy and forgiveness.  He let humanity pile all of our disgusting sins on him and He carried that weight to his death. His murder.  He then had victory over death and showed that all of that sin does not win. 
In the ultimate display of victory, he demonstrated that love wins.
God didn't kill Jesus to quench his thirst for a blood sacrifice.  We killed Jesus. Evil killed Jesus.  And we piled all of our sin on Him.  And he took it all.  And he showed us that evil doesn't win. It can't win.  Because God is love and love is all powerful. 
I love Easter.

Our calling

Reading from a daily email I'm subscribed to, this jumped out at me and stopped me:

"This is our calling as Christian faithful: to recognize the Christ in everyone.  And to reach out a hand of hope, to speak a word of love, to sing a song of happiness, to share a tear of joy or pain, to speak a word of praise, to murmur a prayer, to stand together against those forces that word divide us, isolate us, and block our flow toward home"

This is beautiful.
I'm baffled as to how some who identify as Christians have come to believe that their calling as a Christian faithful is practically the opposite of this?
To recognize evil in everyone, to reach out a hand of condemnation and judgment, to bring others tears of pain and to create and feed forces that would divide us, isolate us, block our flow toward home.
And to do all of this in the name of our beautiful savior Jesus?  youch!
It is amazing to me that the lure towards being our own god is so strong that we would call ourselves Christ followers, yet instead of being filled with the spirit and producing the fruit of the spirit in our lives, we could see our calling as a need to judge others, condemn others,  dividing and be the spiritual police of everyone.
I absolutely love the freedom that comes with this statement - "to reach out a hand of hope"...
Whatever that looks like!
Who needs hope?  Everyone!
To speak a word of love.
Who needs love?  Everyone!
To share a tear of joy or pain?!
Who needs that?  Everyone!
We get the impossible privilege of being Jesus to the world.  It's impossible because, without the spirit of God in me, I can't love others completely and selflessly. 
I can't.
I want to reserve some for myself, I want to categorize and determine who is most deserving of my love. 
I want to be judge. 
I want to protect my heart from pain instead of allowing myself to enter into someones suffering.
I want to keep my own possessions instead of letting them go and sharing with those who don't have.
On my own, it's really hard to truly live out the "call"
But, if I surrender self and instead submit to the power of the Spirit of Christ, I get the supernatural power to love like Christ!
YES PLEASE!
Oh, how I want that power!
To love without keeping score...to enter into the suffering of others simply to help carry the weight...to give more that I receive...to see the beauty of Christ in everyone...to bridge divides, heal wounds, and reveal miraculous supernatural love to those who have never experienced it!
I want to be a part of that.
I want to live for that purpose.
I can't do that in my own strength and my own spirit.  I need to be filled to overflow with the spirit of love, wisdom, mercy.
I need to jump into the flow of the trinitarian God...the flow of perfect love...where giving and receiving are constant and indecipherable from each other...giving love and receiving love is a constant state of being...
Because once I'm in that flow, nothing else looks as appealing.
Selfishness breaks the flow and I don't want to break it!
It's too good!  It's perfect!  It's union with my creator.  It's life at a soul level.  It's spiritual oxygen.
And when I'm breathing deeply of this pure spiritual oxygen, it's so crushing to see others who are gasping for air as they grasp and claw for control, power, or just survival.
Here I am, breathing deeply, and they're gasping for air.
To me, that is the good news and the reason I'm compelled to share it.
I want everyone to be free from the choking, gasping, struggling to breathe.
I want people to feel the flow of love, the freedom to let go.
The joy of denying self and submitting to a love so good that nothing else compares.
Once a person tastes of this love, I can trust the spirit to guide what they do.
I don't need to govern how they act.
Not my job.  Thankfully!
Never was, never will be.
I'm not any one's god.

Embrace - come on women, let's change the world.

I'm so grateful that I went with a group of women to a screening of the movie "Embrace" last night. And I'm further grateful that I brought my teen daughter.  Because the message is so important.
This morning as I'm journaling, I'm all fired up.
So, I thought I'd share my journal entry as a post.
The movie blurb:  EMBRACE follows Taryn Brumfitt's crusade as she explores the global issue of body loathing, inspiring us to change the way we feel about ourselves and think about our bodies.
I really want all women to get this message and allow it to change them.  I want men to get this message so they can stop reducing women down to objects.
It's so devastating to think of all the wasted time and energy women have spent obsessing about their body image and beauty when we could be spending that precious energy being the world changers we were created to be.
We've been trapped, paralyzed by shame and self loathing, striving for a perfect figure that does not exist without photo editing.
In the end, I want to be remembered as someone who used her energy to love, to fight for change, to invite others to enjoy food and laughter and fun.  I don't give a crap if I'm remembered as thin, pretty, sexy.  Who cares?!
When I care for myself, I want my motivation to always be an appreciation for what my body and mind are capable of and a desire to remain strong and capable so that I can live this precious life to the full.  I'm not interested in whether someone else thinks I look good in a fricken bathing suit.  But, I'll be grateful for each day that I'm physically capable of running, biking, hiking, walking, playing sports, swimming, and doing hundreds of other daily activities that require my strength to function.  Sure, I'll be sad as I age and am unable to do some things that bring me joy and serve a purpose.  But, I hope I can resist the temptation to think of myself as being on display for anyone to judge.  No one can reduce me down to my body or my appearance unless I allow them to.
I invest in my physical and mental health so that I'm best prepared to take on the day that comes my way - ready for any opportunity. I don't care for myself in order to gain approval from shallow people who desire to judge me based on my appearance.
But, the reason I'm so fired up about this is because it's so easy to fall into the trap!  I'd like to say I never do.  But it's the air we breathe. It's the culture we are immersed in.  I'm not immune.  And that makes me really really mad!
Women have so much to offer this world.  To be reduced down to skinny or fat, pretty or ugly, is so irrelevant it makes my blood boil.
It's astonishing to think of how crafty the enemy of our souls truly is.  The deceiver.  The father of lies.
As women, we can be so distracted by the pursuit of superficial beauty that might satisfy others that we can live in perpetual dissatisfaction about ourselves.  We are blind to our true beauty, strength, power, purpose, and identity.  Even those who manage to achieve the "ideal" look can never feel like they're pretty enough, thin enough, perfect enough.
Meanwhile, the God-given beauty deep in our soul is being snuffed out.  What if we were spending our time and energy nurturing our souls and finding a purpose greater than ourselves?  Then the world would be ROCKED!  The world would change!  All that focus, time, and energy would be directed out into the hurting world and it would bring healing, reformation, and love like we've never seen.
I'm so grateful for Taryn Brumfitt who chose to use her story and her creativity and her resourcefulness to create this documentary.  I'm so inspired.
Come on women!  Let's be known, not for our looks, but for how we change the world!

What does "follow" mean?

Today my reading in the prayer challenge book is about abiding.  He writes a lot about abiding in the word of God.
A few things I underlined:
"Come follow me...meant taking the Rabbi's yoke...the yoke represented the sum total of the Rabbi's philosophy and practice.  It meant spending every waking moment with him."
If we are disciples of Jesus, that means we "follow" him.  It means we take on the total of Jesus' philosophy and practice-spending every waking hour with him.
But, we want to just take a quick glance at his life - maybe on a Sunday when someone teaches from the bible.  Maybe a quick bible verse or chapter here and there.
And we want to ask him to follow us....so we can turn around and check in whenever it's convenient and we want to blame him when prayers aren't answered or life sucks.
But, all the while, we aren't following him.  Because, it costs us everything.  We have to let go of our life and surrender.  We don't want to do that.  That's radical.  Crazy really.
So, we call ourselves disciples, followers, believers...but do we even know what that means?
We look at Jesus' life, maybe read the gospels that show us his "philosophy and practice" while living among us.  And we marvel at the way he lived!  We marvel at the way he upended the religious and led a revolution of selfless grace and compassion.  He was so beautiful.  Love in the flesh.
But he was radical!
So we may marvel, but we don't really follow.
He didn't have a home or possessions.  He didn't have a wife and kids, a stable job with a plan for retirement and college savings plans.  He didn't justify ANY violence, but instead said "love your enemies".  He forgave his enemies while he was being tortured to death. He didn't spend any time with people in powerful, influential positions, but he was always with the people who were considered lower, less than, unworthy, unimportant, not powerful.  He wasn't trying to convince the government to change, but was starting a grass roots revolution of radical love that was founded on putting others before himself.  A servant expecting nothing in return.
We marvel at this.
Wow, Jesus was amazing!
But we don't really follow.
If follow means "taking on the total of Jesus' philosophy and practice", then we usually find ourselves learning from, admiring, and pondering - but rarely actually following.
Yet, we know that our joy can be complete if we follow.  But, it's too hard.  We have too much we do not want to surrender and let go of.
I guess what's weird is that we don't surrender and follow, but we hold on to our own plans, our idols, and our fear.  But then we wonder why Jesus isn't rescuing us, or we say "I don't hear from God - that just happened back in the time the bible was written." Or we blame God for everything.  Yet, do we even know him? Do we know His character?  Have we trusted His goodness?  Or have we tried to learn a little bit from Jesus' life, all the while holding on tightly to our own?

Miracles, Forgiveness and Buddhism?

Reading Acts 14:1-7
What jumped out at me was verse 3 "So Paul and Barnabas spent considerable time there, speaking boldly for the Lord, who confirmed the message of his grace by enabling them to do miraculous signs and wonders."
Really?  How cool is that? Must be nice, aye?  They tell people about the power of the risen Christ and then they do some miracles so they have some street cred.
If that's how God works, I should assume that's still possible.  But, we don't believe it ourselves, so we wouldn't trust enough to ask for miracles.
When did that get so lost?  So many of us simply "believe in God" and consider all of the bible stuff ancient history.
But Paul enters the story at the same point we do.  So, where did his power come from? Same as ours.  The power given by the holy spirit.
But I don't live as if that power is real.  I'm skeptical, maybe even cynical.  Yet, if I reflect, I've seen so many miracles!
So many lives transformed, redeemed, rescued, changed, lifted out of darkness.
That's probably why I like the book 'The Hiding Place" so much.  Corrie Ten Boom talks about so many instances where she just had supernatural understanding, knowledge, protection, direction, power, strength, and ability.
But, did it protect her from suffering?  Not at all!
She lost everything!
She lost her dignity, health, home, safety, and her loved ones.  They were killed.  They weren't protected.  The miracles were not always the ones she desperately pleaded for.  But, somehow, she continued to put her faith and TRUST in God!
And he led her to heal so many from the trauma of the war and the holocaust.  She could not have been open to any of that had she simply looked at her own loss and pain and blamed it on God.
How in the world was she so strong?
That's true freedom.
Living in acceptance of the reality of the deep pain,  yet being open to the continued possibility that God is good, can be trusted, and will guide her.
Oh, her story about forgiving that guard!  She had absolutely no reason to forgive.  She had no desire either.  Everything in her held on and wanted to hate him.  She couldn't even make herself want to forgive.  But, she just asked the holy spirit to help her.  And, she reached out her hand to shake his - and it was electric.  The surge of the love of God went through her and literally gave her the supernatural power to love that unlovable person.  She couldn't do it, but God could!  And, although she resisted because she couldn't imagine letting this guy off the hook for all of the torment and torture, it was her own heart that was set free.  She had never before experienced that depth of love.  She let go of the hatred, blame, anger, and score card.  She forgave.  And it set her free!
Oh, that's the freedom we deeply desire!  But it really is supernatural.  We can't do it.  Our minds and hearts hold on to grudges, hurts, and fear.  How can we forgive?  It seems to give permission to be hurt again!  Often we just can't cognitively get to a place of forgiveness.  But, I personally want the freedom of letting go of offense.  I want the supernatural love that flows from a spirit that can't hate or fear.
It doesn't erase past suffering.  It doesn't promise a future without suffering.  But it releases the current suffering that tortures the soul while holding on to hate, fear and blame. That just suffocates.  I want deep breaths of life.  That can only come through a spirit of love.  It just doesn't flow through a spirit of hate.  Hate turns to bitterness.  It feeds off negative.  It searches for wrongs and injustices.
I won't ignore wrongs and injustices or pretend they don't exist.  But I pray and hope that I can live a life of forgiveness and a flow of supernatural, miraculous love that is free to experience joy even when there's crap that is cruel, unfair, and hate-filled.  I want to choose to acknowledge it, but not let it take over.
I've been listening to a podcast series about Buddhism.  And it's interesting that this is the foundation of the Buddhist practice.  The four noble truths.  The first is that life brings suffering.  The second is that being attached leads to suffering.  The last two are about the path to the cessation of suffering.
To me, it's simply another way to travel the path of forgiveness I'm talking about.
Life isn't fair.  It's in a constant state of change.  Death and birth.  When we grasp on to something that isn't fair, our suffering intensifies.  We can choose to stay in that grasping, clinging place - wishing things weren't the way they are.  Or we can find a way to release that grasp.
God wants to give us his supernatural power to let go.  To release our grasp. To forgive.  But, we fear, and we grasp.  And, according to the four pillars, this grasping is what leads to so much suffering.
No matter how tightly I grasp on to the truth that something isn't fair, isn't right, is painful, I can't change it.  But, I don't think we can always let go on our own.  Sometimes it's a surrender to a power greater than ourselves.  And, that's a miracle!
There are miraculous healings happening all around us - where people are set free from their suffering, released from their torment of hatred towards themselves or others, unburied from a suffocating weight of regret, blame or fear.
I've witnessed these miracles.  It's more beautiful that anything I can imagine.  There's such power evident.  It gives my faith a jump start - a renewed energy.

Where is Jesus?

Reading about Paul's conversion.
There are 3 descriptions of it in Acts (chapters 9, 22, and 26)
And in Galations, Paul writes "The Gospel which I preach....came through the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1:11-12)
Paul NEVER DOUBTS this revelation.
The Christ he met was not the Christ in the flesh (Jesus); it was the Risen Christ, the Christ who is available to us now as Spirit.
YES!
I love this.  I've always felt most drawn to Paul because he's entering the story where we are - after the death and resurrection of Jesus.  Yes!  He meets Jesus like we do - in Spirit.
Here Paul was, a devoted Jew who was assigned and authorized to capture anyone who was following Jesus' way.  He saw the world in black and white.  He was a "good guy" and Jesus followers were clearly the "bad guys".
Then he encounters the risen Christ.
And, the voice asks "Why are you persecuting ME?"
So Paul has to realize - these people he is persecuting ARE Jesus.
Think about how weird that must have been for him to consider and believe!  How can it be?
He's persecuting PEOPLE, but Christ says he is persecuting THE CHRIST.  How?  In theory? In reality?
Then Paul never wavers.
And with the same loyal, driven, committed, passionate energy that he was pursuing to put to death this movement, he switches to a lifetime of work to protect, defend and spread the message of Christ.  The gospel. The good news.  The way.  The truth.  The life.
Why?
What was so good about this message? Why did it spread?  What's the good news?
Paul spent every single bit of energy from every cell of his being for the rest of his life sharing this message.
Why????
He never met the human Jesus!!!
He met the risen Christ who showed him that PEOPLE make up CHRIST - that people are the power of good.  People under the lordship of Christ have the power of the Lord of the universe.  People submitted to his power can bring peace on earth. 
This is the plan for saving the world!!
PEOPLE.
People submitted to Christ.
And Paul knew it wasn't about "Us and them" - but "All"!  All are invited.  All are welcomed, called, loved, accepted, invited, embraced, forgiven, empowered, set free.  He expressed this with every breath he took.  He never grew weary of sharing this good news.
How do we humans take such good news and make it ugly?
Wow.
Jesus was so clear about how He was not exclusively for any one group of people.  He said things like "Whatever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters, you do to ME" (Matthew 25:40)
The least?
Do we consider some people to be greater and some lesser?
Heck yes we do.
We do it all the time!  And the "least of these" doesn't simply mean people "with less". 
Nope.  It's the person I'm thinking of right now who I'm convinced has no good in them.  Or I'm OK hating them or wishing them harm.  It's enemies.  It's "those people". 
It doesn't take me long to identify who comes to mind as "those people" who I wish would get what's coming to them - or I wish they would figure out how horrible they are, etc.
I think about politicians, or people in power who are greedy, cruel, not compassionate, rude and self promoting, like our President. 
I think about people who have gotten guns and killed masses of people.
I think of all the people who refuse to acknowledge that the majority of Americans want to make an effort to reduce these mass shootings by trying to establish some laws around how people come to possess a firearm.  And they refuse to acknowledge this because they FEAR losing financial support from an organization that has money and power but does not represent the majority of Americans.
And I think about those who fall into the minority - who actually do fear that if we put some guidelines in place that help us attempt to help those with mental illness by identifying problems rather than issuing a gun, then we somehow are on a "slippery slope" of the government taking all guns away. 
I think about religious people who proclaim faith in Jesus but are filled with fear, hate, and judgement.  I think about some of these religious people who have a voice in our media and express things that horrify me - but they do it in the name of our sweet Jesus. And it turns people away from Jesus.
Oh, I could go on and on and on.
I think about people who are involved in trafficking girls for sex, people who believe that poor people just need to work harder to stop being poor, people who look down at immigrants as "less than" when we all immigrated to this country. 
UGH!
I'll stop.
Breathe.
So, if these are the people who come to my mind when I think of "the least" - Jesus tells me that whatever I do to them, I do to Him.
So, HE is in each of THEM.
He's not just in those who I like to think of as the "good guys".
He's in those I like to classify as the "bad guys".
He's in each person.  But, instead of spreading THAT good news and praying for people to find the joy of being in submission to Jesus as Lord - we just keep dividing ourselves into us/them, good/bad, right/wrong, worthy/unworthy, in/out, etc.
Jesus said to Paul, when you persecute PEOPLE, you persecute ME.
Jesus in his humanity said - what you do to PEOPLE you do to ME.
Why can't we get this?  All people.  Not just the "good guys".
Christ in me and in others.  He wants me to SEE him in others.
It's a mystery.
It's weird.
It's supernatural.
That's why Paul is always saying weird stuff like "You have been raised with Christ, you died, your life is hidden with Christ in God."
What?  What is that supposed to mean exactly?  Was he just talking crazy?
I don't think so.
He encountered the risen Christ!
Christ showed him that He is alive in people and people can choose to submit to him and have power that is good.
Christ isn't wandering around "out there" somewhere - waiting to be invited into a place or person.
He always has been and always will be.
Colossians 1:15-20 is all about this! And its AWESOME!
It's overwhelming to think - "what should I do about this?"
I know I can continue to ask for Christ to show me things through His eyes.  And I can love 'the least of these" in a supernatural way that I'm not capable of in my own spirit.
But, after listening to a message last weekend about being a "difference maker", I really need to keep asking what that means.
What does that look like?
In the message, he listed the steps :
1 - Feel a burden
2 - Have a broken heart
3 - Turn burdens into action (pray and plan)
Sometimes I get stuck on having a broken heart.  It's too painful and I hate the pain. 
So I feel a burden, I get sad, then that turns to anger or apathy and I'm done.
My typical thought is "what can I really do about it?"
Allowing it to break my heart makes it personal.
Shedding tears over it makes me uncomfortable.
Feeling it makes it real.
I'm not good at that part.
So, maybe that's my answer?
Let some of these things hurt me.  Shed tears.  Feel it. 
Then maybe I would be invested in taking action.

Our energy in this world

More rambling thoughts as I sit in quiet and ask God for revelation and truth.  Journal entry from Feb 12, 2019.

Reading last night one thing jumped out at me about the fact that we have energy we put out into the world - and it can be positive or negative energy.
And it's weird because just yesterday I felt like I reminded myself several times to shift and choose to bring an energy of peace and love into my body and to emanate it out.
I think about those videos I've seen where people's words and anger affect their physical environment.  Like, food rots and turns brown or rice gets black and moldy.  But, it's more than simply angry words.  It's changing the energy that surrounds me by emitting love.
We were created to love and to be loved.
And when negative energy, fear, anger, condemnation, hate, etc creeps in, we find ourselves separated from what we were created for.
Love.
And with love comes peace, kindness, patience, gentleness, joy, contentment, courage, and compassion.
We need to meditate and choose positive energy.  Choose to be filled with love and good. Choose to acknowledge the power of love.  Not just for others' - but for ourselves.
We flourish when we love and are loved.
So, the fact that God is love and can't do or be anything bu love - of course I want more and more and more of the Spirit of God in my life.
It's fullness, freedom and purpose for me.
It makes me experience wholeness, acceptance, unconditional acceptance for who I really am, and it changes me.
I don't want to be angry, judgmental, jealous, unforgiving, afraid, selfish and insecure.
When I continually fill up and choose to accept the unconditional love and positive energy of God - that negative stuff loses it's power and gets pushed out.
I get transformed.  But it's a constant choice.
The negative creeps in, I recognize it, I "take it captive" and identify it as destructive.  I invite more love, truth, positive, good - and I trust that it's real and powerful.  And the negative can not co-exist with the good and positive.
It loses!
Victory!
But then it just keeps happening.
So it becomes a practice.  Anything I want to become good at, I need to practice.  The more I practice, the more natural it becomes.
So, every day I begin by surrendering all of my negative or selfish energy and accepting the pure, good, positive energy of my creator.  I empty myself.  And I fill up on love.  Then I fill up more.  Until I feel I'm overflowing.
Then I ask for wisdom, guidance, perspective and understanding.  I want eyes to see like love sees.  I want a heart drawn to love.
Then so many times throughout my day I catch myself slipping, either slowly or abruptly into those negative, selfish, unloving thoughts. When I don't catch myself, I end up distracted or anxious or annoyed or critical of myself and others or fearful about the future or ashamed that I'm not enough, etc.
And, it's not that I want to cover up those thoughts and feelings.  Maybe those thoughts are somewhat legit and are trying to tell me something.  But, if I catch myself in the negative, I get to stop and choose love.  I get to pull myself out of the negative and ask for perspective that is not condemning.
Because condemnation gets me nowhere.
It just feed on itself and creates more negative.  It doesn't bring anything positive.
It's a dead end.
But, man this negative energy is a liar!
It can lure me in deep.
It tells me that my anger has power and that my judgement of others lifts me up out of my own shame.
It tells me that I need to worry and fret or things won't get done.
It tells me that if I believe I'm good, and that I'm enough, and that I don't need to earn my worthiness - then I'll just be lazy and apathetic.
It lies, and lies, and lies.
But, I know the truth!
And I know that love and truth always wins!
The lies are evil and destructive.  And Jesus destroyed evil.  He destroyed sin.  He offered me power over evil and sin.  He offers himself to me.  To demonstrate that power, he even overcame violence and death.
He shook off death and came back smiling.  He showed that his power is not subject to negative, evil, sinful forces.
And I get to receive that power of love and good and truth!
I get to invite that spirit in and allow it to grow and dominate and push out the negative.
Yes please!
I'll take more of that.
Thank you.