Questioning Everything

Sometimes I feel like such a contrarian.  I don't actively oppose everything, but I sure do question everything. 
So, fair warning if you read any of my posts.  The way I seem to learn and grow is by wrestling, arguing, doubting, questioning, pushing.
I journal every day and for some reason I feel a nudge to share some journal entries here.
Usually my jounaling is just my conversations with God.

January 28:  Started reading the 40 day prayer challenge.  I have to be honest.  The whole concept of praying can rub me the wrong way.  I even bristle at the idea of circling something in prayer.  Because you know my heart and you are good and you want good for each person.  Why would you be waiting for me to articulate to you my heart's desires before you act on something?
That's weird.
But, I also know it's a defense mechanism that I've leaned on my entire life - don't get my hopes up too much and I won't be as disappointed if things don't go as I hoped.  And I also think about the many people who will starve to death today, or die from lack of clean water, or from disease.  I think about horrible accidents that leave loved ones brain injured, paralyzed, or dead.  I think of random catastrophic events like a parent losing a child to drowning or to violence.  I think of mass shooters or accidental gun shots.  Am I to believe prayer would somehow change your plans for "allowing" all of this horrible tragedy?
So, yah.  I have some hang-ups about prayer.  But, I do know and believe that drawing close to you daily and aligning my life with the flow of your spirit rather than my own desires can lead to amazing things.  I do trust that you guide and that you want to bring good and that you can reveal things to me that I would never see on my own.
For that reason, I believe in daily meditation.  Aligning my spirit with yours.  Surrendering.  Trusting.  Saying yes to promptings in my spirit. Your plans are much better than mine.  Greater.  So, I do understand prayer in that way.  But I struggle to understand my own persistent prayer for something obvious.  Like, of course I want my kids protected.  Of course I want healing and hope for my friends who are suffering.  Of course I want health for myself and my family.  Of course I want my loved ones to know your peace.
What I seem to lack is vision for how you plan to involve me in your plans for good.  So, when I pray, I desire to be filled by your spirit, aligned with your good plans, and guided into divine appointments and choices that lead to more good happening.  Because you are good.  Your plans are good.  I pray for eyes to see how I can be aligned with your plans.
I breathe you in.  I sit.  I receive.  I fill up on your spirit.  May it overflow from me to the world.  May you shine through the cracks in my heart and reveal your light where I would be dark.  Show me.  Give me eyes to see your divine opportunities to love.  Help me to slow down and choose to love others deeply.
I know that opening myself up to vulnerability is the key to unlocking love.  Help me to not self protect.  Help me to love radically and not to be tempted to keep it cool or whatever weird thing I do.  I want to love radically.

January 29
Great.  I really don't like reading about, contemplating, or discussing end times, Jesus' return, end of the world, etc.
Yet that's what our discussion is tonight for group.  So, I guess I will trust that you want us to gain something from it.  Otherwise I would just advise us to skip this one.
Give me your grace, love and truth if people look to me for understanding.  Because this just doesn't inspire me at all.  Part of me doubts that it's true in the way we interpret it - but mostly I just don't care.  I'm not motivated by some future return of Jesus.  I'm motivated comforted, and inspired by his past and current involvement in my life.
Maybe that because I'm comfortable in this present life.  So, hope of the future deliverance doesn't carry much power for me personally.
And, honestly, it just sounds so weird.  Not that other stories in the bible aren't weird - there are plenty.  But, this one stumps me beyond all others.  If Jesus comes back with trumpet calls, why bother letting all of the false prophets have their time trying to deceive us?  It's just a really tough story for me to be inspired by.
Yet, I do believe Jesus' death and resurrection was a victory over evil and that we're living in a weird time of waiting for the earth to align with that reality.
So, everything I believe is pretty weird.  Why does this particular story stretch me?
Maybe my imagination is weak.  So it just seems absurd.
Just being honest.  Not too excited to lead this discussion tonight.  Please reveal something to me that can lead our discussion honestly into truth, hope and love.

January 31
Reading Acts 9 - I get caught up in the weirdness and it makes me feel skeptical.
Just being honest.
The whole chapter is riddled with weird and unbelievable stories; accounts of events that I just a difficult time swallowing as real and true.
First is just the radical conversion of Saul to Paul.  It's such a short account - so matter of fact.  He goes from being the persecutor, murderer, condemner to preaching Jesus' Gospel in just 18 verses.  Then he grows powerful and has followers - just like that.
At least in 9:20 it reveals that when he went to Jerusalem, the disciples were afraid of him and didn't believe.  That adds some credibility to the story.
But, even Ananias (backing up to vs 1-18) Really?  He just hears from God and obeys and goes to this murderer?  What the?  Who would do that for real?
Next, we end the chapter with Peter going to a home and telling a dead woman to get up, and she does?! I'm sorry, I just have a hard time..oh wait..first he tells a paralytic who has been bedridden for 8 years to pick up his mat - and the guy gets up and does it.
Deep breath.  Sigh.  smh
Do I believe this happened?  If I'm honest, I don't think I believe it.  But, maybe it's just my fear.  I'm afraid that if I truly believe in this level of power, I would need to change how I pray and what I hope for with my prayer?  I just do not have faith that my prayers have the power to heal.  There, I admitted it.  I can't not be honest.  I just can't get it. Why would you choose to heal arbitrarily? It's cruel.  If you can heal, and you know the pleading hearts of those suffering, then heal.  Would you really wait for a person, a human, to look to you and ask the right way or say the right words or express it enough times or have enough faith, or want it bad enough?
Eww.
That isn't kind or loving.  It doesn't align with your character of being all good and all loving.  So, yah, I struggle to believe some of this stuff.
So, what do I do with it then?
I guess I ask, what do you want me to know, learn, and see when I read these accounts, Lord?

....I want you to know that I AM.  I am all powerful, capable, and good.  I'm a mystery.  You must learn to live in the tension.  Just because you can't explain or rationalize it doesn't mean it's not true.  I am all good.  I want good things.  Always.  You won't pray for big things that could leave you disappointed and discouraged if they don't go the way you hoped.  Your defense is to protect your faith by not getting your hopes up for something that may not happen.  This protects you from some pain and disappointment, but it also severs your connection to big dreams, big hopes, and a big God.  It is fueled by fear and it breeds apathy or even cynicism.
For you, to be vulnerable is to hope and dream big.  But that's scary for you because you feel you're setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment. 
It's simple - expect less and be always impressed by abundance.  Expect abundance and risk being left disappointed.

It seems like such a good mindset.  It truly keeps my heart grateful.  I don't expect to live and breathe and have my health today - so I receive it as a precious and abundant gift to cherish!  Any good that comes to me feels like an abundant outpouring of mercy and grace.  I don't expect it.
If I start to dream, and pray with expectation that you will do abundantly more that I can even ask or imagine, I feel I will risk living in a state of disappointment rather than awe and wonder.
Am I crazy?
What do you want me to do about this?
I know you never want me to live out of fear.  And I know you want me to see how big, good, and trustworthy you are. 
And I do.
But, when I lack faith/belief that healings occurred (occur) because it threatens my rational understanding of you - how is that limiting me?
You know what my desire is before I say it.  Why would you choose to act on something merely because I was diligent in my effort to bring it up to you?
That just makes me mad.  And confused.
Because it makes me wonder why you would act on one thing BECAUSE of a person's prayer - but then not act on other things, in spite of faithful, trusting, persistent, heartfelt prayer.
That doesn't feel like a good father.
So, of course I avoid digging too deeply into this topic because I like my current strategy.
But, I do feel like you're tapping me on the shoulder and gently asking me to see how my self protection is limiting what you have for me and how I can push into this a bit.

There you have it.  I warned you.  I pretty much question God constantly.  And I argue a bit.  And He is always faithful to allow me to wrestle.  He meets my questioning with love and gentleness. 
Maybe I'll keep sharing some of my journal entries.   I'm pushing into this prayer thing and opening myself up to whatever God is revealing.
I will say that I didn't lead my group through the topic that was uninspiring.  Instead I switched gears and we talked about what our lives could look like if we lived without fear.  I didn't avoid a "hard topic".  I just chose to share something that was energizing and inspiring me.  It was a great conversation.

Is God a mean jerk?

I don't normally do this when reading the bible, but today I actually googled whether a story included in Acts 5 is historically true.
It's the story of Ananias and Sapphira.
I was reading a few things on the google, going down that rabbit hole of opinion, research, data. 
And that's when I realized it didn't really matter to me if it was an historically accurate account of events or a legend, a myth, a story. 
I'm curious if it really happened. 
But, the better question couldn't be silenced. 
The better question kept creeping into my mind as I searched for historical proof of the event.
That better question is: How am I like Ananias and Sapphira and what can I learn from this story?
That question quickly draws me to the holy spirit and reveals things that convict my heart.  It makes me think about my motivation for doing things and about whether I'm honest with God. 
Then more questions come. 
Do I sometimes serve because I think it looks like the right thing to do?  Do I present myself to God highlighting my best behavior, trying to impress?  Or am I just myself- honest about the parts that are selfish, greedy, stingy, untrusting?  Do I sometimes find pride in my financial contributions to the church or ministries - even thinking "many people don't give this high of a percentage."
Here's the thing.
Why is this story recorded in Acts?
Why am I reading this 2000 years later?
Is it to have an accurate historical account of exactly what happened in the early church?
Or could it be a way to open up my heart to a better understanding of myself and of God?
Sure, it could be both.
But, if I get stuck in the train of thought that simply searches for proof that this is exactly how an historical event happened, I could miss EVERYTHING!
I believe I could read this same account many times throughout my life and discover something different each time - IF I ask good questions.
Better questions.
God, what do you want me to know? Learn? Hear?
And to take it one question further...
What do you want me to do? Say? Change?
I remember reading this story before and thinking: Is God a mean jerk?  Is God unforgiving? Could there be a side to God that is intolerant of shortcomings?  Isn't God forgiving and good?
Those were the things I was wrestling with at the time.  I wasn't sure if I really could trust God and if he really was good.  So, this story invited me in to wrestle with my doubts and fears. It gave me the opportunity to face these scary questions and to boldly search for answers.
I guess my point is - when reading the bible, I hope I remember to always ask good questions.
Questions that will lead to discovery about myself and how I can grow.
Sanctification is a big word and very "christiany".  I wouldn't normally use it in my every day vocabulary. 
But it just means the process of becoming holy.
I like to think of it as the process of becoming more like Jesus - or more like the person God created me to be.   Getting rid of the crud that's in the way or blocking me from shining in my true identity.
When I read the bible, it's through the lens of sanctification or becoming.
I'll never arrive, this side of eternity.
But I want to always move closer to being holy.  I want to always be growing, changing, transforming, peeling away layers that need to go.  I always want to be getting closer to the me God created.
So, today, that means I ask myself some questions about my heart and generosity and pride.  And I invite my good God to reveal anything that's hindering me from becoming.
And I know my good God.
I know and trust the kindness, grace, and pure love that encompass anything revealed to me.
It's never condemnation.
It's never shame.
It's always an invitation out of darkness and into light.

Advent Hijacked

My brother in law sent an email this week.  He was so moved by God and he wanted to share his thoughts.  It was actually thoughts he had written a couple of years ago in this season leading up to Christmas.
It was a song that made him slow down, even stop what he was doing, and pay attention.
He was flooded with the overwhelming reality of God's love.  He was blown away by the way God invaded his spirit and revealed truth.  The spirit of God took away his anxious thoughts and replaced them with gratitude, peace, praise and worship.
So beautiful.
And, it happened because he slowed down.  He stopped.  He became still.
How much do we miss because we have been lured by our enemy into busy, frantic, over-scheduled, anxious lives?
And how crafty is our enemy that we would spend the season of advent in a blur of non stop activity?  Most of us overwhelmed because we know we will never get everything done.  We are left with a gnawing feeling of regret and dissatisfaction.
Isn't there always one more person I could find a gift for?  Isn't there always one more incredibly worthy organization I could donate to, volunteer for, pray for?  Isn't there always one more tradition I could implement with my family so that treasured memories are created?
All good stuff - worthy of my thoughts and energy.
But, then I was listening to a podcast this week about our celebrations this time of year and how we came up with Advent.
The Celtics preceded the Christians in celebrating this time of year.  They acknowledged a time of darkness leading up to the winter solstice.  Christians related to this spiritually.  We waited in darkness for the light of the world to come.  So, we started to celebrate the birth of Jesus during this time.
Advent was to reflect the time of waiting, resting, knowing the days are long and dark, but anticipating the great light that would come!
So, each week one candle would be lit, until finally all of the candles were glowing and bringing light.
Celebration!
The end of waiting in the dark.
Remembering the gift that came into our world for us to experience eternal life, freedom, forgiveness, joy.  It's such a beautiful and simple celebration.
As in the Celtic tradition, we put up lights to cut through the darkest months of the calendar year to remind ourselves that the light comes.  And, we never get to Christmas, or the winter solstice, without first going through the dark months.  God created our seasons with a rhythm.  We never stay in a season of extended hours of light...it's a season.  And we never stay in a season of extended hours of darkness...it's a season.
Advent.
What a beautiful celebration.  Designed for us to acknowledge the natural rhythm of the earth, and to slow down and spend more time in reflection.  A time to rest in the certainty of our faith.  A time to receive the gifts we've been promised.  A time to anticipate and dream.
Wow.
Our enemy has completely hijacked Advent.  If it's not consumerism, which has reached nauseating levels of distraction, then it's frenetic activity like baking, prepping for parties, decorating, sending cards, hiding elves, finding the right sweater, etc.
And if you aren't busy, you're likely to experience feelings of loneliness and isolation and even depression as you compare your life to the seemingly full and exciting lives of those around you.
And, that's legit.  Because most all of the traditions and activities are good!  And feeling left out of the celebrating is not good.  But, man, the enemy has a way of stealing joy and peace.
Well, I personally choose to spend some time quietly resting in the dark, with the soft white lights illuminating the room.  Waiting on my God to be the light and the joy and the gifts and the love and the companion I'm desiring.
I pray that my friends can find time to do the same.

Freedom

The truth is too good for us to grasp. 
The good news is so good - we can't wrap our heads around it.
Grace is so radical and inclusive - we don't know how to speak of it.
John 8
32 You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free
36 If the son sets you free, you are free indeed
Freedom is so outrageous, it might scare us a little.
Because, deep down, we're more comfortable as slaves.
We understand the boundaries of slavery.
As slaves, we have something to blame outside of ourselves.
We might be slaves to an institution with rules, boundaries, laws and clear lines we can't cross.
We might be slaves to things that repress us like the desire for approval, the desire for comfort and security, the desire to avoid hard things, etc.
We might be slaves to self, selfishness, self promotion and self preservation.
Freedom?
Freedom is a bit scary.
Where are the boundaries?
What are the rules and laws?
How do we know when too much is too much?
How do we measure if things are fair and just?
How do we maintain order and control?
How do we rule, govern, decide what's right/wrong, in/out, acceptable/unacceptable?
We don't.
We submit control to our King.  And we live FREE.
We don't get to control, judge, govern, and create the boundaries.
We live by the law of this Free Kingdom.
The law is this: Love.
That's it.
Love God.
Love Others.
Love God - respect, honor, submit to Him as good and trustworthy.
Love Others - treat every person as you would want them to treat you.
Freedom.
It's too beautiful for us.
We're drawn to slavery.
We want clear lines so we can judge ourselves and others.
Freedom is messy.
It requires more from us!
It's bigger.  It's outrageous.  It's love beyond our comprehension.
It stretches our hearts and minds to our limits, then asks us to stretch more.
Sin is when we choose slavery over freedom.
When we don't trust in freedom, but instead trust in something else.
I want FREEDOM.
I was created for it and the deepest part of me longs for it.
It's challenging and scary.  It's expansive.  It requires more of me.  It stretches my heart and mind.
I'm up for the challenge.

Dark Matter, Mystery and Faith

It really is interesting how much of the universe is made up of dark matter. According to Wikipedia, dark matter constitutes 84.5% of total mass, while dark energy plus dark matter constitutes 95.1% of total mass-energy content!  Dark matter has not been directly observed, possibly being made up of some undiscovered subatomic particles. The name refers to the fact that it does not appear to interact with observable electromagnetic radiation such as light, thus it's invisible or "dark". 

Interesting that in 1 John 1:5 God is referred to as light...and in him there is no darkness at all.

There are other scriptures that refer to God as the light or that contrast light as good and dark as evil or bad.  Some scripture refers to "the world" as being dark and in contrast to the light.

If we can only see, observe, witness about 5% of the universe, and the other 95% is unobservable to us, I'm not surprised that his world is referred to as dark and being ruled by dark.

What does that mean?  There is so much mystery...how dare we ever conclude that we have it all figured out?! We, as Christians, read our holy text of scripture to help us grasp an understanding of our creator, creation, love, plans and purposes, right and wrong, good and evil, hope for the future, and discovery of the past.  All well and good.  But, just as the universe is always expanding and growing and is comprised of 95% mysterious energy and matter, shouldn't we hold our truth in this light?  And how utterly moronic to attempt to describe such deep mystery in simplistic and even formulaic ways, as if it's all a simple equation we have figured out.  The equation gives us a sense of control I guess. We can do this.  We can, by our effort or mental acquiescence, be certain of our place in the universe.  Oh, and everyone else can to.  They just need to simply agree with us, repeat a prayer stating their agreement, and they can be certain too. Done!

Really?

Where's the mystery?  Have we left any room for honest contemplation , discovery, uncertainty, wonder?

The observable universe certainly is wondrous, beautiful, miraculous, complex, disturbing, perplexing, and an endless curiosity.  And, I do believe in our creator God written about in scripture.  And I do believe in the incarnation.  I believe Jesus the Christ was fully man and fully God. I do believe in the awesome mystery of the perfect relationship found in the Father, son and holy spirit.  I believe that Jesus gave us hope by overcoming the power of death through his literal bodily resurrection. I believe these things are truth, light, goodness and hope.  And I love the words recorded in our scriptures that help me draw closer to these truths.

But, I also allow for the fact that it's highly unlikely that my little realm of consciousness and collection of matter stuffed into my cranium contains all truth, certainty, and the language to describe it. I mean, come on! It seems I should have way more questions than answers.  And I do.  And I'm OK with that.  May I never stop questioning, searching, growing, learning, seeking!

Sure, scripture states that faith is being sure of what you hope for; certain of what you do not see...

And that is exactly what my faith is - a leap - beyond reason - to another realm.  That realm isn't comprised of facts, data, and measurable proof that a thing I believe is true.  That realm is a spiritual experience. Words can't describe it completely.  Just like we try to describe the miracle of the Trinity in words and we struggle.  Some things are spiritual.  A mystery.  An experience. Invisible. Unseen.

The universe is a mystery.  My existence, my consciousness, my spirit is a mystery. Life is a mystery.

Yet, I have experienced things that can never be explained away.  Love.  Hope.  Peace. Compassion.  Forgiveness.  And these are good. And so I believe in good. And I believe in love, hope and peace.  And I want others to experience more of these good things.

That's why I believe we should be sharing the Good News about Jesus and love and faith and hope and peace and reconciliation and forgiveness and wonder and mystery.

But, WOW. When I hear someone who claims to share my worldview and my faith in this beautiful Christ, and I hear judgment, shame, certainty, and a formula or equation that somehow guarantees freedom....I don't get it.  Where is the wonder, mystery, and space for God to be God?

I hope I never lose my wonder.  I can handle the paradox and the tension of having faith and holding it with certainty, while being wide open to the mystery that is unknown.

Four years ago today...

Life is so weird.
Facebook does this thing where it shows me a memory from something posted on this day in the past.  It's kinda cool.
For that reason, I was reminded that four years ago today we were truckin across the country in a little convoy which consisted of a white nissan cube and  a gigantic moving truck filled about a quarter of the capacity with the entirety of our possessions.
Sure, we could have just used a small moving truck.  In fact, we intended to.  We "reserved" one.  But, in case you ever wanted to know - the fine print of a "reservation" with this low budget truck rental company basically states that the reservation means almost nothing to the company and they do not in fact need to provide a truck to someone simply because they "reserve" one.
Anyways, the long story short, we ended up with a truck.  The biggest truck available.  Once we emptied the contents of our 800 sq ft apartment - there was still room in the back of that truck for our girls to do kartwheels, dance moves, and gymnastics (because that's what normal people do when there is open space, right?)
We packed everything up the night before our departure and just kept out a futon mattress and our full size mattress to sleep on.
We awoke bright and early, loaded the mattresses into the rear of the truck and with a final goodbye hug to our neighbor, we just had to grab the keys and go.
the keys?
Where did we put the keys to the truck?
After a 10 minute search of our barren, vacant, small apartment, fear crept in.
It was completely empty.
No keys.
We thought back to the evening before and realized that we had the empty place jammed full of neighbors and kids running around.  One last gathering to say goodbye.  What if one of the kids threw the keys in the garbage or some weird thing?
Ugh!
So, we dug the garbage bags out of our shared outdoor garbage can and proceeded to empty them piece by piece.
After about two hours of searching, when we were beginning to formulate a new plan involving an expensive locksmith or contacting the moving truck company, our friend called to check in with Timm to see how our travels were going.
As soon as Timm mentioned that we hadn't left because we couldn't find the.....keys......our friend got really quiet on the other end of the phone and then began to apologize.
Huh?
We learned that our friend thought it would be "funny" to hide the keys on us the night before and then to text us after he left our home and wish us good luck finding the keys.  However, after saying his goodbyes and walking away, he forgot to text us and taunt us with his practical joke.  As a matter of fact, he forgot all about hiding the keys until Timm said something on the phone!
The keys were hidden up in a cupboard, way above our heads.  They were there the whole time.
We grabbed the keys and told our friend we didn't think his joke was funny, and we weren't sure how long it would take before we would look back on that morning and think it was funny.
For the record, it took me about a year to smirk about it.
Now, four years later, I think it' s hilarious.
After a 12 hour day of winding through the congested streets of the city, the rolling mountains, and  the endless flat lands, we finally rolled into Michigan and our final stretch of the trip to our new home. It was surreal.
We were greeted by some friends and  family members who were there to help us unload all of our belongings into the garage of our new home in Lake Orion.  It's seriously hard to believe how few possessions we had!  After a quick walk through the house that we would be calling home, the kids were whisked away by family to go stay at Granpas house.  Our new home was unlivable.  It needed "a little work".  To be honest, the kids were disgusted by it and thought we were crazy to think we would be living there!
But Timm and I stayed back at the house.
I remember that evening so well.
We sat there in the garage drinking the Oberon that our good friend brought to us as a welcome.
And we gazed at our new home wondering what the next chapter of our lives would hold.
All of that whizzes through my mind in a matter of seconds.
That was four years ago today.
We ended up sleeping that night on a tiny blow up mattress in our stinky dirty new home - dreaming of what was to come.  Wondering how God's story would continue to unfold.
When we woke up the next morning, it was our 17th anniversary.
We looked at each other, wishing each other a happy anniversary, excusing each other for not having a card or a gift to offer.  And we grinned from ear to ear.  We reflected on all that had happened in the first 17 years of our marriage and we marveled at what the future might hold.
We jumped into the gigantic moving truck, and before turning it in to the rental place, we visited some friends who were actually packing up everything and moving their family to the exact city we had just left to pursue the call God put on their lives! They were planting a church in NYC.
It was ridiculous!  We opened up the back of that truck and started loading in a bunch of the stuff they needed to sell because they would be moving from a suburban home to a small apartment.  Yard tools, outdoor grill, garden hose, a full size fridge, to name a few!
A bunch of the stuff we had given away or sold when we moved to NYC!
That was our 17th wedding anniversary.
Tomorrow we celebrate our 21st anniversary.
I see that the last time I posted on this blog was a  year ago  - on our 20th anniversary.
Although I can honestly say that I thank God daily for my marriage, I guess I just love reflecting and sharing at this special time.
There's so much more I could say.
I love living this life, with Timm as my partner, submitted to the trustworthy plan of our creator.
Who knows what the future holds?  I've given up holding my own plans too tightly, as God's plans have always proven to be better, weirder, harder, more fun, more rewarding, and adventurous.  
My hope is that we can always trust God and experience his peace and goodness, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.  
My hope is that we will have many more years of health and life together, this side of eternity.
Love you Timm.

20/20 hindsight

Today marks 20 years of marriage.  I have never been more fulfilled in my life and I am thankful beyond words. This past weekend, Timm surprised me with a gathering of friends and family, a renewing of our vows, and the perfect gift of a slideshow reflecting our life together - ending in the announcement of his plan to take me on a trip to Austin Texas for the Austin City Limits music festival! WEEEEEEEEE!

In the heat of the moment (literally – it was over 90 degrees and humid) I was a bit overwhelmed and unsure of what to share with dear family and friends.  I don’t even know what I said.  Now that I have had time to soak in the moment, reflect, and let words scurry through my head, I want to say more. 

I love words.  I love to speak them out, write them down, read them, rearrange them, listen to them, share them.  Yet, I can also find myself overwhelmed and unable to verbally express the depth of emotion.  There are some things that words simply can not touch; things that transcend. 

My state of mind about Timm and our marriage and this weekend are falling into that category.  I can’t seem to articulate what I want to express.  Yet, I can’t seem to stop myself from trying. There is a saying that hindsight is 20/20.  For me, it is fun to look back with clearer vision. 

What I may have shared if I had time to think ahead.  A little bit of our love story….

I’m not a person who believes in “soul mates” or in waiting for the perfect person to complete you.  But, I do believe that God brought Timm into my life and that he is exactly the person God knew would be good for me.  None of us can really imagine how our life would have gone if not for certain circumstances.  But, I find it impossible to imagine a life without Timm in it.  Even if I try, I can’t even consider that there would have been another person I would have wanted to spend my life with.

Timm invited my BFF Dana to come up for the weekend, all the way from North Carolina, to celebrate our 20^th.  Apparently he told her that it was important for her to be there because, if it weren’t for her, we probably would not have ended up making it as a couple.  Let me explain.

On the beautiful slide show Timm created of our life, he highlighted our “first date”.  That’s in quotations for a reason.  We became close friends at CMU, and while I was moving along to do my internship, he was staying back at CMU to goof off and figure out his path.  OK, he eventually figured that path out, and I wouldn’t change a thing.  But, anyways…the Fall semester had ended, it was now January, and I was moving into an apartment with Dana.  Timm came to see my new place and to say goodbye before making the two and a half hour trip back up to Mt. Pleasant the next day. We went out for the evening, and somehow, we crossed the line of friendship and did some kissing!

Naturally, I panicked.  Knowing what time he was planning to leave for CMU the next day, I waited until I thought he would arrive and I called him.  Ugh, that was a long 3 hours of waiting to call –this was long before cell phones and texting and voicemails! And I didn’t want to leave a message on his answering machine for his roommates to hear!  Whew, I was relieved when he answered.  I immediately breathed a sigh of relief and blurted out my very rational thoughts about the situation.

“Please don’t tell anyone what happened between us last night, our friends will make a big deal about it and it will be awkward for everyone!  It’s already going to be awkward for us.  Please let’s just pretend it didn’t happen.”

Timm’s response was something like

“What are you crazy?  I ALREADY TOLD EVERYONE.  We’re not gonna pretend that didn’t happen.  We’re going to start going out, this is AWESOME!”

What the what?

I asked who he told, and he had in fact already told EVERYONE! Oh my gosh, all of our friends think we are dating, now what am I going to do? I went on to explain to Timm that we are not dating and it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have told anyone and we CAN’T BE DATING because it would ruin our friendship. 

I can still remember being on that old phone receiver, which was connected to the boxy table top telephone by a swirling cord that only allowed me to pace about 4 feet in either direction in my state of confusion. 

This conversation went round and round.  I tried to explain to Timm that he can’t tell me I’m dating him if I tell him I don’t want to.  He would then question me about why I didn’t want to and I would repeat that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.  He would then tell me that was a ridiculous reason and that he needed a better one if he was going to even consider taking me seriously.  I finally gave up, and our conversation ended with me saying “We are not a couple.  We are not dating.” And him replying “Hmmm.  OK.  I’ll see you this weekend.” 

What is that supposed to mean?

So, then I turned to my roommate Dana to express my outrage about how Timm could think he could tell me what was going to happen! Sure, I wanted him to come visit the next weekend, but he can’t come!  He can’t be around me and think that he can force me to be in a romantic relationship with him.   I believe Dana’s response went something like this…”So, you like this guy so much that you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship or lose him.  You get along great.  You love being together.  You laugh together.  He treats you with respect.  You both can’t wait to see each other. (insert the most sarcastic tone you can conjur up) Yah, I can see your problem!!!  You poor thing! What are you going to do?”

I was a bit stunned.  Did that just happen?  I was losing my bearings!  They were ganging up on me! No one was listening to me!

This went on all week.  After Timm and I would talk on the phone, Dana would casually ask who that was.  I would answer and she would say “mmmmmm.  Ohhhhh.  OK. But…..he’s NOT your boyfriend.”  Then she would walk by while I was scribbling out pages of writing on looseleaf paper  and she would ask who I was writing to.  I would hesitantly admit that it was a letter to Timm and then brace myself for the response of “ohhhhhh.  Hmmmmm.  Your FRIEND Timm, who you already talked to today?  How many pages is that letter to your FRIEND?”  She was relentless. 

Timm never wavered.  I allowed myself to give in and to start a dating relationship with him.  But, then I panicked again about a month later and I was tortured about how to tell him.  I worked up my courage all week, and then on a weekend in February, I told him we needed to talk.  Through pain and tears, I choked out the truth to him.  I can’t do this!  I can’t date you.  I’m so sorry.  I never should have let this happen!  I tried to stop it.  On and on I lamented.  And he just sat there nodding and asked “Why?”  So again I had to explain that I didn’t want to lose him as a friend and I hope I didn’t already screw it all up.  He assured me that I didn’t screw anything up.  I was starting to calm down and feel better and then he went on to tell me  that he would be happy to break up if and when I had a good reason to do so.  But, if my reason was because I like him too much and don’t want to risk losing him, then that is ridiculous and doesn’t make any sense.  He gave me another opportunity to come up with a reason that he felt was legit.  He even gave me some good reasons to consider breaking up with a person.  But, my reason continued to be that I didn’t want to ruin what we had.  So, he just sat there and said “Nope.  That’s not a good reason.  We aren’t breaking up for that.  What do you wanna do tonight?” 

I’ll be honest.  This happened one more time in those early months, and I finally gave up on trying to weasel out of it and started to just enjoy our relationship as "boyfriend and girlfriend". 

After almost 3 years of this fun, long-distance relationship, I was in my comfy place.  Then Timm threw me another pitch that I tried to dodge.  He started a conversation about us getting married.  GULP!  I felt that panic creep back in and the voice in my head screaming “Not safe!  Run away! Just keep things the way they are!  Don’t risk!” So, as I saw that pitch whizzing straight for my head, I ducked.  Whew.  That was close.  We had the conversation, and I remained calm. Through a casual smile, I explained to Timm that I just wasn’t ready to talk about this and that I would appreciate it if we just kept things the way they were.

The next day, he showed up with flowers, a poem, and a ring….

Come on!  Who does that?  I just can’t imagine another person having the unique characteristics of confidence and compassion to call me out like that.  Without any actual psychoanalytical techniques, he was showing me something about myself that I couldn’t see.  He was loving me enough to not let me  avoid getting close because I couldn’t risk the loss.  I didn’t even know I was actively avoiding that risk.  It’s incredible to me to think back and see so clearly how God was using Timm to help me see parts of myself that I was blind to.  And I am so eternally grateful.  Because this has continued for the past 23 years.  He has continually and consistently held up a mirror that reflects the attributes I would not otherwise see. The absolute trust I have in his love for me has allowed me to see some of my insecurities, habits, behaviors, and tendencies in a new light.  Instead of keeping those things in the dark where they are safe and unseen, Timm has been able to gently pull things out of that hidden place and into the undeniable light so that I am able to face them .  Having a  person that close to me is at once scary, painful, embarrassing, transforming, redeeming, and beautiful. He has never given me a reason to doubt that he is safe, trustworthy, and always for me-not against me.  I’m not saying that I have never doubted!  Trusting is tough stuff for me.  But, I am saying that he has never given me reason to doubt.  That has changed me.

Timm has helped me to see that life is an adventure and there is no other way I would want to approach each day than to anticipate the unexpected and enjoy the ride.  He has taught me how to speak the truth in love, using my words to encourage and grow, not to tear down and destroy.  He has helped me learn to enjoy the present, not just prepare for the future.  He continues to support me as I learn how to embrace vulnerability and invite closeness with others in my life.  Beyond that, he speaks genuine words of affirmation to me and serves our family with his works daily.   

So, yah, I don’t really believe in soul mates and love at first sight and all that romantic crap (just ask my poor girls how I feel about their exposure to romantic stuff potentially misleading them into false expectations of what real love is! Let’s just say they didn’t grow up with the “Disney Princess- Happily Ever After “stuff). But, I still can’t imagine my life without the gift that Timm has been to me.  And I thank God every day that I have been given this opportunity to join our two lives together as one.  And I pray that we would be given another 20 or 40 or 50 healthy years together this side of eternity to grow and learn and give and love. 

Happy Anniversary Timm.