clarity

I love when I am reading a book and an author is able to bring clarity to thoughts that happen to be rebounding all over the 3 pounds of human computer lodged in my head.

I picked up a book at my dad-in-laws and began reading it over Christmas break. Their whole church has been encouraged to read this book and do a study on it. It's called "The hole in our gospel" (...the answer that changed my life and just might change the world) Written by Richard Stearns, President of World Vision USA.

I am going to rewrite an entire paragraph that jumped out at me the first day I was reading this. It is one of the pages in the book that compelled me to swipe the book, bring it home, and promise to return it once I finish!

"Christianity is a faith that was meant to spread - but not through coercion. God's love was intended to be demonstrated, not dictated. Our job is not to manipulate or induce others to agree with us or to leave their religion and embrace Christianity. Our charge is to both proclaim and embody the gospel so that others can see, hear, and feel God's love in tangible ways. When we are living out our faith with integrity and compassion in the world, God can use us to give others a glimpse of His love and character. It is God - not us - who works in the heart of men and women to forgive and redeem. Coercion is not necessary or even particularly helpful. God is responsible for the harvest but we MUST plan, water, and cultivate the seeds."

Richard Stearns does an incredible job of painting a disturbing picture of world poverty and humbly encouraging the church to be on the front lines addressing the needs of those in this world who are in the most desparate state of need.

I just love this book. It completely nails my thoughts about the gospel of Jesus. Why is the gospel good news? Because you get to heaven if you "believe"? Sure, that IS good news. But, that is only part of it! We have been preaching a gospel with a huge HOLE in it! The WHOLE gospel is a message of hope and love and compassion. It is a message that should be DEMONSTRATED through serving and showing the unconditional love of Jesus to those in need while they are HERE ON EARTH! A message that brings peace on earth as it is in heaven. This is a challenging book to read. If you read it without feeling some kind of breaking in your heart for those who are opporessed, then you are encouraged to PRAY FOR GOD TO BREAK YOUR HEART.

Stearns talks mostly about world poverty and the web of oppression that surrounds the people in the world who are in the deepest pits of poverty. But, I see poverty all around me. My heart breaks for those who are oppressed by addiction, abuse, evil, cruelty, lies, unfrogiveness,illness, and hopelessness (to name a few). These conditions surround us in this dark world. So many hurting people. My heart breaks for them and I long to show them love, acceptance, compassion, light, truth and hope. Through my words and my actions. That is the gospel message I hope I can bring. Shame on me, and shame on ANY follower of Jesus if we bring a message of indifference, condemnation, judgement or self righteousness.

One final thought about what Stearns says in his book. Without going into all of the details, the truth is that we CAN END world hunger. We have the resources. We have chosen not to address the needs. Pure and simple. We don't want to.

He goes on to say "If every American churchgoer tithed, we could literally change the world. We could have $168 billion. (that is over and above what is currently being given) Just 40% of that ($65 million) could eliminate the most extreme poverty on the palnet for more than a billion people."

But, we don't do it.

We acclimate to our culture. We want what everyone else has. We complain about what we are lacking. We want to retire "comfortably" like everyone else. We feel we deserve nice vacations like everyone else. We spend out money on private education for our own kids. Etc. Etc. Etc. We choose to live in a way that DOES NOT show the world the sacrificial LOVE of Jesus.

I hope I can start to change that in my life. I hope the church community I am in can change that as well.

Clarity. Thanks God, for authors who can organize my thoughts somehow. So powerful.

VIM for 2012

Deep breath in.........and let it out........ahhhhhhh. Life is good.

Fantabulous celebration ringing in the new year with friends last night. We were close enough to times square to see fireworks, but not close enough to be trampled in the stampede of insanity. And as we made our way out of Manhattan at 1:30am, the girls had a great time mocking Beiber sightings every time we passed a limo or a car with tinted windows.

Today we carried on our annual tradition of indulging in succulent fillet on new year's day while visiting with friends and watching football.

This morning we had a small group at church. Many are still out of town, many were probably still in bed. But, it was such a sweet time of sharing. We discussed our highlights from 2011 and how we felt God move in our lives. We discussed some hopes, dreams and goals for 2012 and even faced the sobering reality that, based on statistics, a high percentage of those goals would not be met. We learned the acronym VIM. In order to truly achieve a goal, one author claims that following the VIM format is one way to greatly increase your likelihood of success.

V = Vision

I = Intent

M= Means

We were then challenged to apply this to our spiritual goals. Because, as followers of Jesus, we should be aspiring to grow closer to God and to grow in likeness to Jesus. If we approach that without vision, intent, and means, we will not grow closer.

My vision is to live as a disciple of Jesus, living out the values of his kingdom, doing my part to see his will done on earth as it is in heaven.

My intent is to become less selfish and more outward focused. To serve God and others before myself. To be a true servant of my Lord.

My means is to commit to praying daily for God to show me His plan. To LISTEN for His plans instead of telling him mine. To pray for others. And, finally, to set measurable accountability weekly with my prayer partner to report my progress and shortcomings.

My other resolutions are to improve at remembering peoples' names. I bought a little spiral notebook to help me, and just need to commit to paying better attention in the moment. And to use gentle, kind words when speaking to my kids.

Reflecting on 2011 brings me lots of happiness. Many highlights. I turned 40 this year, which was another time to reflect on past and future. Overall, I feel hopeful and excited for this new year. I hope that each day I grow closer to the woman God created me to be!

When in doubt...

So, here I was, on top of the world in so many ways all of November. I couldn't even express the joy I was experiencing. Perhaps I was bound to crash? As Oswald Chambers reminds me in my daily devotional, we can't stay on the mountaintop forever. We must go through valleys but keep that mountaintop experience in our minds to give us hope and inspiration.

I entitled the post "when in doubt...". It's the first thing that came to mind when I reflected on the past few weeks of my "funk". Sometimes I have doubts. As a matter of fact, I am not a person who would claim to have the gift of faith. I doubt everything all the time. But, that's OK. Because, it forces me to continually seek out answers. And I believe that God wants just that. He wants me to be SEEKING him.

Today, i am feeling completely RECONNECTED with God, my faith, and the joy that was escaping me for a bit.

Today I was reading through my daily journal, the thoughts I record as I have my quiet time with God. I felt like sharing some here. Not sure if anyone would be interested in my rambling thoughts, but, as always, feel free to not read.

On 12/18: "I'm in a funk. Going through the motions. Not feeling a passion for serving you. Lord, I need you to lift me out of this. It's not sadness or anxiety. It's just apathy. It's like maintaining a life that honors you is like paddling upstream. And we moved to a place where the current is so stinkin powerful - moving in the opposite direction. And if I stop paddling, even for a few moments, I'm carried away. Into this dark world with all of it's suffering and confusion and darkness. Then I read your word that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. But, it doesn't fell that way. Even in my devotional today it says 'being faithful to Jesus Christ is the most difficult thing we try to do today' and I agree! Today I am so grateful that I can go to church. To be with my community. To worship you with all my heart. To share life with others who are trying to paddle upstream and are tired. Today we get to stop paddling and just bask in your presence. Worship and glorify you. Enjoy your peace and love and grace. Ahhh. I guess when I think about it, I have the choice to do that every day. And I do, I remove myself from the world, try to enter your light and spend time meditating on what is true and good.

I'm honestly just tired of trying to figure out how to tell others about that love and peace. I really am. People want to attach something ugly and unloving to any message I have of love, grace, truth. People make unfair assumptions about me. That's fine. I don't care what people think about me. But I do care that people would miss out on unconditional love, purpose, truth, grace, and freedom. Now that I think about it, maybe I'm missing out on that too. Whenever I feel empty and unable to move forward in my life submitted to you, Lord, it's because I am not filled up with you, I'm trying to do it on my own. My own momentum, wisdom, strength. And, that doesn't work.

So, today, right now, I commit to filling up on you and only you. That is my absolute, number one commitment. LOVE the Lord your God with all your heard, mind, strength and soul.

If I am doing that....if I am communing with the God of the universe who IS LOVE...it is then that He can work in me and through me to allow me to follow the rest of the commandment...love your neighbor as yourself.

That is only something He can do once I am completely filled with his supernatural power.

Lord, fill me. Overflow. your love, grace, mercy, power, truth. I need you desperately. Wisdom, discernment, faith, light, love, compassion....

(and i went on from there to ask for things and listen)

(I'll skip many other days because this is getting WAY too long)

12/21 "I have to get back to the gospel message. Redemption. Salvation. Sanctification. Amazing gifts that I have received. These are the things that bring me joy! These are the things that explode in my heart in a real way and make me want to shout for joy that all people can freely receive these gifts. That's all it is. A gift. All we need to do is let go of whatever SELF we are grasping onto in order to have hands wide open to receive.

Receive love, forgiveness, peace, mercy, grace, redemption, transformation, guidance, acceptance, truth. Thank you Lord for these gifts. Why is there so much hatred and anger attached to these concepts today? Why? I don't really need to ask. It's because WE get in the way of your message, Lord. We want to take over. Take control. Do things our way. Serve ourselves. But that is not the way your kingdom works. It's an upside down kingdom. It's all about giving - not receiving. Serving - not being served. Submitting - not having power. Turning the other cheek - not retaliating. Giving grace - not condemnation. All of these things go against our selfish nature, our culture, our pride.

So, we compromise. We accept bits and pieces. But not the whole deal. And we end up more confused than ever because we don't have the peace. the truth. the joy. all the things we were promised seem to slip from our grasp. Because we don't really want to fully grasp. That would be too radical. We might offend someone who doesn't think like us. We might be looked at, talked about, judged as strange, fanatic, holy roller. And, even if we claim that doesn't bother us, it could make Jesus look bad if we look weird, right? Hmmmm, I'm not so sure about that! I think Jesus Christ can handle his own PR. I think we need to submit, accept, and worship. Jesus does his own shining when we are seeking him and filling up on him. He doesn't need us to try harder to come up with ways to make him look good!! How insulting to His power! What a lame excuse for protecting my own reputation.

Thank you Lord, for your gifts. May I honor the gift this season by putting you first. Not by worrying about who chooses which greeting. Not by worrying about who appears more captivated by the commercialism and who does not. Not by wearing Santa socks and snowflake earrings or even giving the right gifts or cards. May I honor you by falling on my knees before you every day, worshipping you alone, obeying you alone, and trusting you alone. And, living unashamed of the peace and JOY in my heart. And loving others as you do. No agenda. No conditions. No judging. That is not for me to do. I am to joyfully serve you and my neighbors. I want to love you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love my neighbor as myself. I can only do that through your power. Without you I am selfish. I was created to worship. Will I choose to worship you? Or me? That's the question. Please Father, help me to worship you."

OK, I don't know why I felt compelled to write all of that on this blog. But, once in a while, I do that. Every day I write with or to God, but as you can tell, it is full of rambling and imcomplete sentences. And, it's my way of focusing as I hang out with him.

All I know is, I was having doubts and an overall funky time. But, God can be trusted. He met me in my funk and lifted me out. I need to focus on him and not on myself!

do-er

Most women will say that there is something pretty awesome about being this age. 40ish. Because, by now, you should have a pretty good idea of who you are, what your strengths and limitations are, what you are good at, what you are not good at, etc. And, you care much less about trying to be just like the other women and rather embrace yourself for who you are. You know you don't look 20, and you don't try to. At least this is my experience with girlfriends in their 40's.

But, it is still funny how reality has a way of whacking me in the face sometimes.

I've said it before, and I will say it again...I am a "do-er". I learned this years ago at a Hearts at Home conference. There are generally some women who are "do-ers" and some who are "be-ers". And, it is easy to judge or envy a person who possesses the opposite bend. I have so many examples of this happening.

Now I just laugh when I notice the difference. And I try to appreciate the way I am wired.

See, after having my normal routine in an upheaval for a few weeks (16 of the last 18 days we have either had a guest here or been traveling), I am feeling behind on my "do-ing".

So today I caught up on many things. Non stop do-ing. It gets dark early, and I started losing steam, but felt anxious becuase I had a LONG list of to-do's still haunting me. I was having trouble enjoying our dinner conversation because I was feeling anxious about needing to type up meeting minutes for one meeting, figure out how to edit and attach an excel document for another fundraising event, coordinate volunteers for another event, etc. Seriously. I never did this much when I "worked". But, it was Friday night, and I wanted to also find some time to chill with my girls.

We did go out for a little bit looking for a geo-cache, but we weren't successful, and I honestly couldn't relax. So, when we got home, we finished up folding laundry, putting bedding on, picking up, etc. I asked Alli if she could run a borrowed item back to the neighbor. When she came back, she was smiling and said "They are so predictable over there. WHen I went to the door, she answered with her glass of wine, the music was playing, candles were lit...."

Hmmmmm, my INSTANT thought was "son of a b!$#%, why can't I relax like that on a Friday night? WHy do I have to be so uptight and worry about the sheets being clean and 50 million volunteer obligations?" But, I know the answer. It's just the way I am.

My neighbor is a stay at home mom also. And, she is so good at "Be-ing". I'm a little bit envious, I'll admit. But, I don't dwell on it. I think it's humorous. We are all different. A good friend who is also really good at be-ing has told me that she is often envious of my energy and involvement and "do-ing".

Nah, I won't waste time being envious or wishing I was different. But, I WILL strive to maintain a bit of balance. We like to have FUN in our home. We value down time. And I have made many changes throughout the years to make sure our schedules align with our values.

And, now, after scratching about 6 items off the list, I am resting and reading blogs and writing just for fun. I would hang with the girls, but they are watching tv, and I don't enjoy that.

And, I didn't choose a glass of wine, but I had a delicious treat.

See, I know how to relax and just "be...."

Visitors

Been a bad, bad blogger this month.

But, it has not been an uneventful month. I even put on my to-do list "blog" many times. But, it never made the cut. Oops.

A few weeks ago, Timm travelled to MI for work and when he returned, he brought his good friend/co-worker, Gerald with him. He stayed for a few days. He and Timm worked and played here in NY for a few days.

When Timm dropped Gerald off at the airport, it just happened to be my 40th birthday. Little did I know that he was also picking Carrie up at the airport to SURPRISE me!!!!

Oh, did I scream when he told me I had a package and he brought her in!!!!! I just sat there staring at them and babbling. I was so shocked. I did my best to clear my schedule and Carrie and I had a wonderful few days gabbing and gabbing and eating and drinking and shopping. The night of my birthday, Timm took us out to Alma and we had a great dinner. Craig and Chris SURPRISED me and met up with us there!

Carrie told me she had made reservations for us to have dinner Friday night, and when we got there, I was SURPRISED again when 7 beautiful ladies were there waiting to celebrate with us.

Seriously, the reason I haven't blogged is because I can't seem to put into words how blessed I feel. It started the morning I woke up on my 40th birthday and I felt this incredibly strong sense of joy just bursting in my soul. This was before I knew any of the surprises that lie ahead. I just sat there reflecting on my 40 years on this earth and felt completely overwhelmed with how blessed I have been. I talked to my parents on the phone that morning and thanked them for being such a huge part of making my childhood safe, secure, and full of love.

Since then, things have just spiraled out of control. Every minute seems to point to more blessings that I need to acknowledge. That Friday night, out to dinner with Carrie and 7 others, I almost couldn't focus. I was dizzy feeling. It was like I felt SO loved and SO blessed, it was making me feel intoxicated.

Seriously. Who has a friend like Carrie? Oh, not only did she come here, but she showed up with a gift - a dvd slide show set to two songs that made me feel so special. Amazing and Legacy. When the first photo flashed on the computer screen, I gasped and threw my hand over my mouth. I wasn't expecting the pictures to date back to my BIRTH! She collected pics from my sister, Timm, and my childhood best friend! COME ON!

And Timm. Who has a husband that awesome? He hugs me and says "don't worry about anything. Enjoy your time with Carrie and I will take care of things." Not just for one evening, but DAYS.

And, my two perfectly healthy kids. my parents. my sister. my brother. my nieces and nephews. my in-laws. my health. my friends. my relationship with Jesus and the joy that brings me. Like I said, it is just too hard to put into words, let alone eloquently!

We traveled to MI to celebrate Thanksgiving.

More Thankfulness.

I'm full.

Not from the indulgent eating (although there was plenty of that). But, I am FULL.

I was reading one of CS Lewis books recently about joy. He was trying to describe how joy feels. He attempted to capture the essence of it. But, he struggled to describe it. CS Lewis. He couldn't put it into words. He did his best and then he recommended that if you have never had any similar experience or feeling, you probably wouldn't have any interest in his book because it all came back to that indescribable experience that is at once all consuming, yet fleeting. Joy.

That is what I am full of.

Now, we have another visitor! Timm stayed in MI for work and I had an empty seat in the cube on the trip back to NY. So, my 18 year old niece, DJ hitched a ride with us. She is going to visit all week and fly home Friday. I loved having her there today to pick Olivia up from school. And then when Alli got home and they were all up on my bed together. Ugh. I miss being close to family so bad it makes me wanna puke sometimes. It's the little moments like that. Just hanging out together with someone in the family. I took her to Central Park today, and to China Town to buy some Christmas presents.

I will try to post some again soon. Can't get the pic of DJ to load. Oh well.

I am blessed.

Retreat

Retreat, as defined in the dictionary: a quiet or secluded place in which one can rest and relax.

This weekend, we went on a retreat with our church. We had over 30 people. The setting was perfect. Beautiful rolling hills bursting with fall colors. Green open fields and pastures, some with animals, some with the animals from our group who love to play ultimate Frisbee! A huge old building, with tons of character, which housed us for most of our activities, and some of our sleeping rooms.

Last night, while tucking my girls into bed, they were thanking God for their awesome weekend. Olivia said "I pretty much think that was our best weekend ever..." and Alli agreed "Yep. Definitely."

My heart was so warmed. Part of the reason they felt that way is because we always love to get away and explore new areas. Also, they loved being in nature and enjoying the beauty of it all. The food was pretty appealing. They got to stay up late. But, I believe the MAIN reason they were feeling so content is because of the amazing love they felt within the community of people we hung out with all weekend. What an incredible feeling. To come together, worship, rest, laugh, play, eat, learn, challenge, discus, and relax. And, then to have some personal alone time to reflect as well.

The whole thing was refreshing to my very soul.

I have a ton of pictures. Craig's are better.

I'll upload mine to facebook too when I have a minute.

Retreat....ahhhhhh....I feel so blessed.

open hands

Picture in your mind a set of open hands. What comes to mind? Anything? I think I lived most of my life relating the vision of open hands to the idea that those hands had to let something go. But, I can honestly say that I can now visualize open hands and think of the freedom those hands have to serve others, to receive things, or to simply hang there in a relaxed way, not clenched onto anything.

Is it just me, or is this a lesson we continually learn throughout life? When I left home, I let go of the family that protected and molded me. But, in letting go, my hands were open to receive my independence and freedom to discover myself on a deeper level. When I got married, I had to let go of my independence and single life, but my hands became open to cultivate a life of unity with a person who has completed me in a way I never would have known possible. I could go on and on.

Last week, while I was in Michigan, I was absolutely marveling at the Fall colors. And, I was reflecting back on one of the most beautiful Fall displays I have EVER seen, which was exactly one year ago. It was during my drive from NY to MI on Oct 20, 2010. What a strange day. Driving through the mountains in Pennsylvania, speechless at the beauty of the colors and the sunshine and the glory of God's creation. Meanwhile, I had an enormous pit of grief in my spirit because I was driving back to MI for the funeral of Timm's mom. But the super strange thing was that I don't recall if I have EVER experienced the sheer beauty of a Fall day like I did that day. It was like my hands were wide open to receive. I had just let go of someone I deeply loved. My hands were wide open, whether I wanted them to be or not. And, there, with my hands wide open, I was given supernatural gifts. Gifts of peace and beauty and a deep feeling of love.

It is my belief that this is a spiritual law that takes place. Jesus refers to it many times in the gospels. "You have to lose your life to gain it...". Other world religions have similar quotes from their honored prophets or gods. I don't completely understand it. But, I experience it. It just is....

Today, I awoke to a gorgeous sunrise. I took the time to simply enjoy that sunrise as it changed colors, hues, brightness. But, I don't think I ever appreciated a sunrise or a sunset as profoundly as I have in the last year, since Sharon passed away.

A few years ago, I felt God challenging me to let go of a LOT of things. Actually, I felt him challenging me to let go of everything. And, in response, I gave up a LOT of things :) I'm sure he will continue to challenge me with the rest throughout my life. I'll admit, there have been times when I have been mad at God, confused by Him, and not trusting that He is worthy to have me standing here with my hands WIDE OPEN and having Him in control of EVERYTHING. But, let me just say that He CAN be trusted. And, whenever He has lovingly challenged me to let go....yes, I have had to release things....but I have received so much! Truth is truth. And, I have experienced this as true. If I am willing to open my hands and let go, I do receive. Sometimes it is a measurable, earthly blessing. Other times it is a spiritual blessing that goes so deep I can't put it into words. I guess that is the kind of joy Jesus promises us. And, I guess that is the kind of joy we are all seeking. And, it is the kind of joy I get so excited about sharing with others. It's joy beyond description. And, I am SO thankful that God lovingly challenges me to let go of things so I am before Him with hands (and heart) wide open!!!