Am I really a "Christian"?

In Matthew 26:52-56
Jesus is getting arrested and he knows what is coming.  He already asked God to spare him if possible.  But, he knows that isn't the plan.
Peter freaks out and tries to fight.  He pulls his sword and attacks.  That's when Jesus says "Put your sword back in it's place...for all who draw the sword will die by the sword."
See, I am absolutely fascinated by the fact that people who claim to be followers of Jesus land on certain bible verses and seem to use them as ammunition to attack and judge and criticize.  Or they seem to focus on something that justifies hurting others physically or even emotionally.
After all, Christians used the scriptures to defend slavery, prejudice, and racial segregation.
Christians have used scripture to defend war and brutality towards others.
Funny how Christians are so mortified by radical Muslims who feel called to carry out acts of "holy war" against non Muslims based on their interpretation of teachings from their holy book.
Yet, we've done exactly that throughout history - and to this day!
That's why it is difficult for me to associate myself as a "Christian".
Just as I am sure it is difficult for many peace-loving Muslims to identify themselves as having the same faith as the radical terrorists who are literally terrorizing in the name of their faith.
I don't like labels
This is a good example of why I resist being categorized or labeled.
However, I do delight in my identity as a child of God, a believer and follower of Jesus.
Anyways, back to those words from Jesus.
How is it possible to skim over that?  How is it possible to look at how Jesus "fought" and to see his humility, sacrifice, and love and then to turn around and justify hatred, condemnation, violence and oppression and do it in His name, claiming you are honoring him?!
Jesus continually modeled and taught self sacrifice, love, serving, putting others first, being generous, and being submitted to God's will regardless of the personal loss or gain.
This is the Jesus I find consistently in scripture.
Show me the political Jesus who pushes legislation and tries to change laws to force people to do things the way he thinks is best.  Show me the Jesus who oppresses people, violently attacks others to maintain his power, refuses to help the poor if it costs him his own prosperity, fears and ridicules those he sees as sinners, is threatened and hateful toward those who hold differing beliefs.  Show me that Jesus and maybe I will better understand this weird, American "Christianity" that is so prevalent.
If what I see from many Christians who hold influential and public positions in America is "Christianity", then I must assume I am not a Christian.  I do not share their world view.
That doesn't really concern me, since "Christian" is not a word that is found in scripture, nor did Jesus ever call anyone that.
So, for clarity, I prefer to identify myself as a follower of Jesus.  A disciple of His.  And I am SUPER excited about that!  For that, I would lay down my life in radical submission!  It is that identity that defines me and dictates my world view.
And, where it may bring me confusion, embarrassment, and difficulty to imagine explaining or defending "Christianity" to those who have been on the receiving end of oppression, abuse, condemnation, hate, etc.  It brings me passion and joy to share my faith in Jesus and to talk about my love for him.
I don't need to defend Christianity.

Poor Peter

Poor Peter.
He gets a bad rap in this part of the story I am reading in the gospel of Matthew.
Truth is that I have probably enjoyed reading about Peter and all the dumb things he seems to do.  When Jesus confronts him, I think "Awe, Peter got in trouble!"
I guess it feels pretty good to look down my nose and him and mutter "tsk tsk Peter.  Come on.  How can you be like that?" It makes me feel superior.
But, today I am realizing just how much worse I am than Peter.  I'm finding it hard to point the finger at him.
First Peter hears Jesus telling about how he is going to be killed and Peter responds with "NEVER! Lord, this will never happen to you!"  And what does Jesus say to his friend Peter?  He says "Get behind me Satan!"  Yikes.
I like to think:  "Gee whiz Peter, where is your faith?"
Then Jesus asks Peter to keep watch while he prays in the garden.  Of course, Peter falls asleep and Jesus says "Could you not keep watch for me for one hour?" Then it happens again and Jesus says "Are you still sleeping and resting?!"
I like to think: "Come on, Peter, you are  lazy.  Can't even stay awake for one all- nighter for Jesus?"
Next Peter pulls out a sword and believes that violence and fighting will be a good way to protect Jesus. And instead of being grateful for Peter's bravery, Jesus turns to him and says "Put that sword away!"
I like to think: "Yah, Peter, don't you know that Jesus is a pacifist?  What in the world makes you think violence is a solution?"
And then there is Peter's denial of Jesus.
That's the big one.  Our favorite.
But, here's what I am thinking.
We know the rest of the story.  Peter didn't.  He was freaking out!  He gave up his entire life to follow Jesus.  Now Jesus is captured and likely being put to death.  Jesus himself even told Peter he was going to be killed.
So, if I were Peter, I would be confused, scared, and unsure of the future.  It's likely that I would be conflicted between my love for Jesus, my trust in him, and my confusion about what the heck is happening.
Truthfully, I'm much worse than Peter.
I know the rest of the story.
I know about Jesus' triumph over death.  I know about his ultimate sacrifice of love and humility.  Yet, I consistently turn away from him in my life and turn to my own concerns.  Worry.  Vanity.  Greed and Envy.  And the list goes on and on.  Every time I turn towards one of these concerns, I turn my back on Jesus.  Sometimes subtly, other times overtly.
Jesus said I need to DENY MYSELF and take up my cross.  Often I would prefer to serve myself, and in doing so, I DENY JESUS and his cross.
Sorry Peter.  Maybe you aren't so bad after all.