Judge your own self!

For the past 6 or 7 years, I have been meditating daily on the same devotional.  I can't seem to get enough of it.
Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest."  I'm sure it has molded my faith in more ways than I can imagine.
He challenges me!  Yet, I find it so encouraging and powerful.
Recently, I read this:
"every Christian can have his body under absolute control for God.  God has given us rule over all "the temple of the holy spirit" including our thoughts and desires...but most of us are much more severe in our judgement of others than...ourselves. WE MAKE EXCUSES FOR THINGS IN OURSELVES, WHILE WE CONDEMN THINGS IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS SIMPLY BECAUSE WE ARE NOT NATURALLY INCLINED TO DO THEM!"
Oh!  I love this.  Even in contemplating it, though, it is easy for me to be tempted to JUDGE!  To judge those who are "judgy" people!  Ridiculous!  We all do it.  I do it.  I have little tolerance for people who lie, are unfaithful, or not trustworthy, who give in to lustful thoughts or behaviors, who are malicious or gossipy, and even insecure.  I just want them to change.  To stop being that way!  As if it should just be easy for them to stop.
I remember years ago, having one of those moments of revelation.  I was talking to a good friend about her struggle with worry to the point of insomnia and also with critical, angry thoughts towards her husband.  And I said something like "You need to just stop doing that.  Really.  Just stop."  And I will never forget her looking me in the eye and saying "It's not that easy!  Don't you think I would if I could.  I hate it about myself."  She went on to directly challenge me by saying "That would be like me saying to you - Just stop being short tempered with your girls."  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Because she knew that was what I went to God with every single day asking for forgiveness and deliverance!  I just had such a hard time when they were little and my temper would rage out of control!  It was ridiculous to think that she would just flippantly tell me to "stop doing that" and it would be that easy for me!  I wanted nothing more than to stop, but I seemed to be trapped in it.
How easy for me to tell her to just stop her undesirable, sinful thoughts and behaviors.  Yet I was pleading with God daily to deliver me from mine!
The key is NOT TO JUDGE!
Stop judging others.
If I want to judge - I can look at myself only.  I have plenty to work with right there.
How easy it is for us to make excuses for ourselves while condemning others simply because we are not naturally inclined to have the same struggles they do.

Are you still so dull?

"Are you still so dull"?
Apparently I am!
Timm likes this quote from Jesus.  Partly because it is a fun jab, and partly because it is so convicting and true.
What has God taught you over and over and over, yet you still slide back into your own foolishness?
For me, I was scanning this blog for a particular post and I realized that I have not taken the time to sit and read through my past entries.  It's funny, but not in a "ha ha" way.  More like, it's funny how dull I am.
I looked back as far as 2009 and the same struggle I am wrestling with today was the topic of my posts back then.  And every year.
It's humbling.
It's a reminder that I will have this thorn in my side.  I will have this cross to bear.
I have the hope and freedom and power of Jesus, but I have not been entirely delivered from my struggle.  And that's OK!  Because it keeps me on my knees in prayer.  Because I know I do not have the capacity to serve Jesus on my own, I have to turn to Him for His power.
It presents itself in multiple titles throughout the years. But, at the core, it is the same struggle.  Am I enough?  Is Jesus enough?  Can Jesus alone be trusted?  Am I doing enough?  What more should I be doing?  Is it OK to do less?  And on and on and on I go.
What a gracious savior I have.  I'm so dull, yet it doesn't matter.  Nothing I DO or DON'T DO can change His perfect love for me.
Humbling.

Snakes

It's been over 5 months since I've written.  Why not revisit and write about a snake? Sure, sounds good.

I often have the most interesting trains of thought while running along the gorgeous trail by my house.  I find myself lost in the activity of running.  Often I have my ear buds thumping some instrumental, high tempo tunes to keep me at a pace that I enjoy.  Lost in thoughts and daydreams. 

Recently, as I am trotting along, lost in thought and the buzz of my endorphin rush, stepping and breathing steadily, I find myself grinding to a sudden halt and gasping.  Less than two feet in front of me, on the trail, is a small snake enjoying the patch of sunshine.  BLAH!  Don’t like snakes.  So, I stand there, suddenly very aware of my deep breathing and stillness. I’m kind of aggravated with the snake for barging in on my rosy path. I guess I need to go around or over the dang thing if I want to continue along.   So, I take a deep breath, look around me irrationally to make sure I’m not surrounded by an army of little snakes, then take a giant stride over the area in front of the little bugger and keep on tromping along the path.  But my run has been affected.  I can’t seem to stop scanning the ground ahead as I run, just waiting for the next intruder to appear.  I really don’t like snakes.  Yet, that is all I keep thinking about.  Is that a twig up there?  Or a snake?  Is that a breeze blowing those leaves up there, or a snake? 

I go all the way to my turn around point and head back before I realize something that strikes me as profound.  As I head back, I decide to stop looking at the ground and just enjoy the surroundings.  And, I was almost blown away by the magnitude of the glory surrounding me!  The sun shining through the golden leaves and glimmering on the trickling creek water.   The incredible blue sky stretched out brightly into infinity, only interrupted by occasional fluffs of white clouds.  Wow.  I even became more aware of the smells as I looked around and took it all in.  The smell of leaves, grass, damp earth, weeds, trees, and the dirt on the path became more robust.   I saw birds landing and perching on branches.  A whole world of goodness and beauty was right in front of me, yet I had been missing it all because I was wasting my time scanning the ground for another snake. 

The really dumb thing is that this was a little gardener snake that couldn’t even really hurt me.  It’s not like it was a rattler that could pose a threat to me.  It was simply a snake, and that made me uncomfortable. 

I couldn’t help but make a correlation.  Do we do this with people? Aren’t there people whose behavior or choices or sins make us uncomfortable?  If we learn something about a person that is disappointing or maybe even shocking to us, don’t we sometimes stop in our tracks and stare in fear at that thing we are scared of?  That thing that makes them different from us, or that thing that we would never choose to do, or that thing that we thank God we don’t struggle with, or that thing that we do struggle with but hope and pray that no one ever knows!  And, don’t we risk missing out on the beauty and magnitude of glory that makes up that person because we are staring at them waiting to see that snake.  We are often so fearful of that snake that we can’t even learn to lift up our eyes and appreciate the person as a whole.  It’s so sad.   What’s worse is when we irrationally look around to see if there is an army of little snakes that are threatening us and begin to focus on the possibility of a snake appearing, instead of enjoying what is really there.

As a follower of Jesus, I am convicted all the time of my tendency to judge.  And I find myself in prayer all the time asking God to help me see people how He sees them; as a perfect creation worth God dying for!

It seems to me that much of the judging is rooted in fear.  And when we are afraid of something, we don’t want to deal with it.  So, we either try to avoid the thing, or try to destroy the thing, or maybe just gather with others who are afraid of the same thing and commiserate about how awful the thing is! And we also may feel aggravated that the thing would barge in on our rosy little path!

I think about some of the things that so many Christians seem to be afraid of.  Instead of finding a way to love people, they seem determined to focus on the snakes! If they encounter a person who proclaims their belief in a different world religion, or is an atheist, they stop suddenly in their tracks, gasp for air, and focus on that snake in fear and find it very hard to see the magnitude of the beauty of that whole person.  If they encounter a person who is attracted to someone of the same sex, they stop suddenly in their tracks, gasp for air, look at that trait as a snake and find it so hard to lift up their heads and see the magnitude of the beauty of that whole person.  If they encounter a person who struggles with addiction, that addiction becomes the snake.  It could be any number of things!!  I could go on and on.  The truth is that some of the snakes we see really are scary or dangerous.  But, usually, they aren’t at all!  We just don’t like them and they make us uncomfortable. I'm not trying to point the finger to "those Christians".  I often find the "snakes" in others and struggle to lift up my head to the big picture!

I have had several more encounters with snakes on the trail since that day.  I still don’t like snakes.  But I refuse to run the trail with my head down, scanning the ground for that possible encounter while missing the glory of my surroundings.  I refuse to be irrational and feel threatened by a gardener snake simply because it makes me uncomfortable.  And I refuse be irrational and feel threatened because something about another person makes me uncomfortable.  I’m not perfect.  I continue to fear and to judge and to ask for God’s help.  But I hope I am moving in the right direction.

Finally Sharing!

Our time in Brooklyn is soon coming to an end.

We are moving at the end of June to Michigan.

This past weekend at church, we had the opportunity to share a bit of our family's story with our friends.

I figured I would share it here as well.

I wrote these notes out when I was thinking about what to share with our church family. I'm just copying them here. 

I haven't posted here all year.  I spent a ton of time journaling, but didn't feel like sharing everything.  Maybe i need to grow in that area?  I encourage everyone else to share their burdens and let people in, but then I resist letting people in when I am burdened!

This is long, but I wanted to finally share my heart for those who are interested. 

*We just wanted to share a littlie bit of our story with you to encourage you.  God really can be trusted. The promise of joy and peace is true.  When you seek God, you will find Him.  But it is sometimes challenging.

*It’s been a challenging year for me. 

*When I looked back in my journal there was an entry in September 2012, where something shifted.  On that day, I realized that I needed to let go of my life again because I had taken it back and was grasping on a bit tightly. I specifically admitted that I was holding on to my life here in NYC just as tightly as I had been holding onto my life when I lived in Michigan and felt called to leave there.  

*I prayed a scary prayer that day. I told God what I wanted and what I thought looked best for our family, but instead of asking for Him to agree with me and make it all work out the way I saw best, I surrendered and begged God to intercede and do whatever He saw was best for us.  I specifically prayed that he would lead our family to a life that is best to serve him, serve others, and for my girls to grow into a close relationship with him.   

*Well, it was the next day when Timm found out at work that his position was eliminated and that they would be offering him a job in a school in Brooklyn for the remainder of the school year, but beyond that, he would have to find a new job.

*The timing shook me a bit.

*I will admit, although it didn’t happen right away, I did get a little bit resentful towards God.

*I thought “Geez, why can’t you just leave us alone?  Why can’t I just surrender and give you my life, and you just say thanks and let me keep living where I want and how I think we should live?  Every day I commit to love and serve you, and that’s not enough?”

*Looking back through my journal, I really did have a challenging year spiritually.  I’m not one to hold back, so I let God have it quite a few times.  It seems clear to me now that he was preparing my heart to for change.  I was resisting, but he is so patient! 

*I think deep down I just kept thinking (and fearing-if I’m honest) that He was going to lead us somewhere new. At some point, I shifted and started praying that if He did want us to move, could he please just let us know!  The waiting was killing me.  I just “needed” to know.  

*Honestly, I was fine, but as a Mom – I simply couldn’t stand the thought of not knowing if my kids were going to be at their school next year and not being able to offer them the security I desperately wanted to offer them.

*Because of that, I got mad at God a few more times.  All I wanted was for our family to be wherever God wanted us to be and for my girls to be in whatever environment would help them grow closer to Him.  I never prayed for their comfort or for them to have it easy.  

*Was it too much to ask that God just let us know???

*Again, He is so patient.

*Because, His timing really is right.  Strangely, I needed the time to grow closer to him in trust, and to be fully engaged in my life here, and to fully appreciate when His answers finally did come!  And, I realized I actually WAS praying for my kids comfort because I couldn’t’ stand that they might not have a secure and predictable future as they entered middle school and high school, which holds enough challenges and unknowns!!

*So, although it is not easy to trust God, He really can be trusted.  And, his timing is perfect. 

*If we had found out in September 2012 that we would be moving in June 2013, what a different year we would have had!  I can’t imagine.  

*And, I won’t speak for Timm but let me just say that the whole job search thing, however painful, was also an opportunity for Timm to grow spiritually.  And, if this job was offered to him back in September, I believe he would have said “thanks, but no thanks – I will find something that allows us to stay here.”

*Up until a few weeks ago, we thought God was providing a way for us to continue living, working, and serving in NYC.

*Some of you know the details - A job for Timm, a job for me, a place to move, etc.  I was excited and waiting and trusting God to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together. Although it was sketchy, it seemed like it was all going to work out somehow.  I personally didn’t feel peace about it all, but I assumed that was because none of it was final yet. I was still waiting…

*Then, one day, when we weren’t expecting it, Timm’s company approached him about a job opportunity.  They told him they would like him to consider being the principal at one of three schools.  All three schools were in Michigan.  Timm zeroed in on one of them as a possible interest.

*It was so strange.  Timm came home from that meeting and told me what had happened.  And, BOOM! It came!  The peace I had been seeking.  It’s difficult to explain the “peace of God that transcends understanding”.  But, that is what I felt. 

*And, I had been begging God for that peace all year.  It’s a peace that comes not from getting what you want, but from accepting and realizing what God wants!  It’s the best feeling there is. 

*It’s been a strange couple of weeks.  We absolutely love this city. We love this church community. We continue to feel an absolute passion for Communitas. We love the neighborhood we live in and the schools our girls are in. 

*Imagine for a minute being in Alli’s shoes.  Up until a few weeks ago, she thought she was going to start high school next year with all of the friends she has developed relationships with for the last 3 years. Do you remember what is was like starting high school?  Alli gets to start at a new place and trust that God will provide her with the friendships she wants and needs. That is not easy!

*We felt a very clear call from God to move to this city and be a part of this ministry and have never once doubted that call.  We thought for sure that God would keep us here. 

**So, here is the crazy thing….how is it that we are bursting with excitement and joy and anticipation in the midst of the sadness we feel about leaving all that we love?

*All I can explain is that when you are IN the will of God, you are inspired and on mission and on fire for Him.  And, that is how we feel.  We feel like we are not leaving Communitas, but rather, we are expanding Communitas! 

*We feel a passion for the mission and vision of this church.  No matter where we are, for the rest of our time on this earth, we will live out the vision of Communitas in our lives!  We will view our spiritual lives as a mission to lock arms with others and spread the gospel message of hope through loving, serving, sacrificing and abiding in Christ.

*It has been a challenge in our little church community to love so many and then have to say goodbye.  But, I think we are learning that it is the nature of this city.  I also believe that it is the way God intends to use this community, and his church!

*Because it is difficult, it’s hard to see it as good.  But, I really see this community as a place where people are accepted, loved, inspired and discipled.  When someone leaves, we aren’t just losing a friend, we are sending out disciples to other parts of the world!

*That’s what our family will be doing.  We will be taking the vision and mission of Communitas and living it out in our new neighborhood, workplaces, church community and family.

*So, we wanted to share that although we will miss you and this church and this city….we continue to be on fire for the gospel and on mission with you to make disciples!   

Happy New Year....Friends

Happy New Year.
Reflecting.
When it comes to New Year's Resolutions, I feel like there are three different groups of people.
1 - those of us who always make new year's resolutions and see the fresh calendar page as a fresh start and opportunity to set and achieve goals.
2 - those of us who never make new years resolutions because every day is a fresh start, what difference does it really make what the calendar shows us?  Set goals any time.
3 - those of us who have dabbled with resolutions and are not quite sure from year to year if it's effective or necessary.
For the record, I am in the 3rd category.  Any surprise?  No.  I never made a resolution for the first 38 years of my life and didn't understand why it had to be a new year to reflect and want to make changes. But, a few years ago I found myself enjoying the new year as a time to reflect deeply and give some new goals a try.
anyways,
Carrie gave me a scarf with the a bible verse hand painted on it. John 13:15  "greater love has no one than this, than he lay down his life for his friends."  She also put Proverbs 17:17 "a  friend loves at all times".I loved the scarf immediately, but I didn't think about the verse very much.  I've heard/ read both of those verses  many times before.  I thought it was a cool idea that she looked up some verses about friendship.
But, today as I am contemplating the coming year and thinking about my goals, I am struck by John 13:15.  I think it may be my life verse for this year.
I think it has led me to the following New Year's Resolutions:
1 - Die to self.  Every day.
2 - Stop sleepwalking and be awake in every day moments
3 - Be a friend
4 - Be vulnerable
I always thought about John 13:15 as referring to Jesus and his gift of laying down his life for us.  He literally died a humiliating, excruciatingly painful death.  For us.  His 'friends".
But, today I am thinking of it differently.
Every day, every moment, I have a choice.  I can live for myself, or I can live for others.  I can serve myself and hold on tightly to MY life, or I can lay it down, give it away.  And, who are my friends?  Sure, I am blessed with many friends.  I can think of a handful of dear friends off the top of my head who I would gladly jump in front of a bus for and give up my life.  But, I am thinking that John 13:15 is referring to more than just those close friends I have in my mind.  Every person created by God, in his image, should be considered my friend.
Timm and I had a really nice time talking earlier today about our reflections of 2012 and our hopes for 2013. We discussed some questions I had given everyone at our NYE party last night.  We told each other some of our measurable, tangible goals for the upcoming year.  We thanked God for the deepening of our love and our oneness during 2012.  We told each other our failures and shortcomings from the past year, as well as our accomplishments and areas of growth.
But, it wasn't until I was out trotting along the path in the park that I was struck by the less measurable, very challenging, ultimate purpose-giving goals for me moving forward.
So, I will try to kill my SELF every day.  Multiple times a day.  I will try to look up, look around, be aware of moments, opportunities, precious people, instead of the next task on my to-do list.  I will try to be a real friend.  A vulnerable, self-sacrificing friend.  And, I will only do this through the power of the holy spirit in me.  When I try to do any of this on my own, I only see my shortcomings and failures.  I really can't do it.  All I can do is surrender my self.