When in doubt...

So, here I was, on top of the world in so many ways all of November. I couldn't even express the joy I was experiencing. Perhaps I was bound to crash? As Oswald Chambers reminds me in my daily devotional, we can't stay on the mountaintop forever. We must go through valleys but keep that mountaintop experience in our minds to give us hope and inspiration.

I entitled the post "when in doubt...". It's the first thing that came to mind when I reflected on the past few weeks of my "funk". Sometimes I have doubts. As a matter of fact, I am not a person who would claim to have the gift of faith. I doubt everything all the time. But, that's OK. Because, it forces me to continually seek out answers. And I believe that God wants just that. He wants me to be SEEKING him.

Today, i am feeling completely RECONNECTED with God, my faith, and the joy that was escaping me for a bit.

Today I was reading through my daily journal, the thoughts I record as I have my quiet time with God. I felt like sharing some here. Not sure if anyone would be interested in my rambling thoughts, but, as always, feel free to not read.

On 12/18: "I'm in a funk. Going through the motions. Not feeling a passion for serving you. Lord, I need you to lift me out of this. It's not sadness or anxiety. It's just apathy. It's like maintaining a life that honors you is like paddling upstream. And we moved to a place where the current is so stinkin powerful - moving in the opposite direction. And if I stop paddling, even for a few moments, I'm carried away. Into this dark world with all of it's suffering and confusion and darkness. Then I read your word that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. But, it doesn't fell that way. Even in my devotional today it says 'being faithful to Jesus Christ is the most difficult thing we try to do today' and I agree! Today I am so grateful that I can go to church. To be with my community. To worship you with all my heart. To share life with others who are trying to paddle upstream and are tired. Today we get to stop paddling and just bask in your presence. Worship and glorify you. Enjoy your peace and love and grace. Ahhh. I guess when I think about it, I have the choice to do that every day. And I do, I remove myself from the world, try to enter your light and spend time meditating on what is true and good.

I'm honestly just tired of trying to figure out how to tell others about that love and peace. I really am. People want to attach something ugly and unloving to any message I have of love, grace, truth. People make unfair assumptions about me. That's fine. I don't care what people think about me. But I do care that people would miss out on unconditional love, purpose, truth, grace, and freedom. Now that I think about it, maybe I'm missing out on that too. Whenever I feel empty and unable to move forward in my life submitted to you, Lord, it's because I am not filled up with you, I'm trying to do it on my own. My own momentum, wisdom, strength. And, that doesn't work.

So, today, right now, I commit to filling up on you and only you. That is my absolute, number one commitment. LOVE the Lord your God with all your heard, mind, strength and soul.

If I am doing that....if I am communing with the God of the universe who IS LOVE...it is then that He can work in me and through me to allow me to follow the rest of the commandment...love your neighbor as yourself.

That is only something He can do once I am completely filled with his supernatural power.

Lord, fill me. Overflow. your love, grace, mercy, power, truth. I need you desperately. Wisdom, discernment, faith, light, love, compassion....

(and i went on from there to ask for things and listen)

(I'll skip many other days because this is getting WAY too long)

12/21 "I have to get back to the gospel message. Redemption. Salvation. Sanctification. Amazing gifts that I have received. These are the things that bring me joy! These are the things that explode in my heart in a real way and make me want to shout for joy that all people can freely receive these gifts. That's all it is. A gift. All we need to do is let go of whatever SELF we are grasping onto in order to have hands wide open to receive.

Receive love, forgiveness, peace, mercy, grace, redemption, transformation, guidance, acceptance, truth. Thank you Lord for these gifts. Why is there so much hatred and anger attached to these concepts today? Why? I don't really need to ask. It's because WE get in the way of your message, Lord. We want to take over. Take control. Do things our way. Serve ourselves. But that is not the way your kingdom works. It's an upside down kingdom. It's all about giving - not receiving. Serving - not being served. Submitting - not having power. Turning the other cheek - not retaliating. Giving grace - not condemnation. All of these things go against our selfish nature, our culture, our pride.

So, we compromise. We accept bits and pieces. But not the whole deal. And we end up more confused than ever because we don't have the peace. the truth. the joy. all the things we were promised seem to slip from our grasp. Because we don't really want to fully grasp. That would be too radical. We might offend someone who doesn't think like us. We might be looked at, talked about, judged as strange, fanatic, holy roller. And, even if we claim that doesn't bother us, it could make Jesus look bad if we look weird, right? Hmmmm, I'm not so sure about that! I think Jesus Christ can handle his own PR. I think we need to submit, accept, and worship. Jesus does his own shining when we are seeking him and filling up on him. He doesn't need us to try harder to come up with ways to make him look good!! How insulting to His power! What a lame excuse for protecting my own reputation.

Thank you Lord, for your gifts. May I honor the gift this season by putting you first. Not by worrying about who chooses which greeting. Not by worrying about who appears more captivated by the commercialism and who does not. Not by wearing Santa socks and snowflake earrings or even giving the right gifts or cards. May I honor you by falling on my knees before you every day, worshipping you alone, obeying you alone, and trusting you alone. And, living unashamed of the peace and JOY in my heart. And loving others as you do. No agenda. No conditions. No judging. That is not for me to do. I am to joyfully serve you and my neighbors. I want to love you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love my neighbor as myself. I can only do that through your power. Without you I am selfish. I was created to worship. Will I choose to worship you? Or me? That's the question. Please Father, help me to worship you."

OK, I don't know why I felt compelled to write all of that on this blog. But, once in a while, I do that. Every day I write with or to God, but as you can tell, it is full of rambling and imcomplete sentences. And, it's my way of focusing as I hang out with him.

All I know is, I was having doubts and an overall funky time. But, God can be trusted. He met me in my funk and lifted me out. I need to focus on him and not on myself!

do-er

Most women will say that there is something pretty awesome about being this age. 40ish. Because, by now, you should have a pretty good idea of who you are, what your strengths and limitations are, what you are good at, what you are not good at, etc. And, you care much less about trying to be just like the other women and rather embrace yourself for who you are. You know you don't look 20, and you don't try to. At least this is my experience with girlfriends in their 40's.

But, it is still funny how reality has a way of whacking me in the face sometimes.

I've said it before, and I will say it again...I am a "do-er". I learned this years ago at a Hearts at Home conference. There are generally some women who are "do-ers" and some who are "be-ers". And, it is easy to judge or envy a person who possesses the opposite bend. I have so many examples of this happening.

Now I just laugh when I notice the difference. And I try to appreciate the way I am wired.

See, after having my normal routine in an upheaval for a few weeks (16 of the last 18 days we have either had a guest here or been traveling), I am feeling behind on my "do-ing".

So today I caught up on many things. Non stop do-ing. It gets dark early, and I started losing steam, but felt anxious becuase I had a LONG list of to-do's still haunting me. I was having trouble enjoying our dinner conversation because I was feeling anxious about needing to type up meeting minutes for one meeting, figure out how to edit and attach an excel document for another fundraising event, coordinate volunteers for another event, etc. Seriously. I never did this much when I "worked". But, it was Friday night, and I wanted to also find some time to chill with my girls.

We did go out for a little bit looking for a geo-cache, but we weren't successful, and I honestly couldn't relax. So, when we got home, we finished up folding laundry, putting bedding on, picking up, etc. I asked Alli if she could run a borrowed item back to the neighbor. When she came back, she was smiling and said "They are so predictable over there. WHen I went to the door, she answered with her glass of wine, the music was playing, candles were lit...."

Hmmmmm, my INSTANT thought was "son of a b!$#%, why can't I relax like that on a Friday night? WHy do I have to be so uptight and worry about the sheets being clean and 50 million volunteer obligations?" But, I know the answer. It's just the way I am.

My neighbor is a stay at home mom also. And, she is so good at "Be-ing". I'm a little bit envious, I'll admit. But, I don't dwell on it. I think it's humorous. We are all different. A good friend who is also really good at be-ing has told me that she is often envious of my energy and involvement and "do-ing".

Nah, I won't waste time being envious or wishing I was different. But, I WILL strive to maintain a bit of balance. We like to have FUN in our home. We value down time. And I have made many changes throughout the years to make sure our schedules align with our values.

And, now, after scratching about 6 items off the list, I am resting and reading blogs and writing just for fun. I would hang with the girls, but they are watching tv, and I don't enjoy that.

And, I didn't choose a glass of wine, but I had a delicious treat.

See, I know how to relax and just "be...."