I woke up yesterday feeling the best I have since this whole Coronavirus life change started.
Why?
Probably a combination of things.
Maybe I was just lucky to land in the "acceptance" stage of grief for a day.
But, I also think it was interesting that I woke up the night before and couldn't fall back to sleep. I wouldn't say I was feeling anxious, just awake.
I did have thoughts springing into my mind. I considered just getting up for the day, but I checked my phone and it was only 2:15am.
Nope. Not getting up.
But I thought it might be helpful to just write things on my task list on my phone as I thought of things so I could get them out of my head.
So that's what I did.
If I thought of something, I would jot it down.
Then I laid there and prayed.
I prayed for people and situations and people groups.
Then I recited the Lord's prayer repeatedly.
Eventually, I fell asleep.
So, when I woke up the next morning I felt rested and....motivated.
Weird.
I have been feeling so low and overwhelmed and just foggy. It was noticeable to me that I felt more clear-headed.
I grabbed coffee and started my daily morning time of reading, praying, listening, and writing.
First I read something in a daily email meditation about how Jesus said "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" and the reflections said "If our soul is at rest in the comforting sweetness and softness of God, we can bear the hardness of life."
That felt so comforting to read.
I thought about how I had been up the night before, but never felt anxious about it. I prayed, I surrendered, then I prayed some more.
Next I moved on to read Luke 22 and saw the familiar story of Jesus praying, then returning to his disciples and finding them asleep. He said "Why are you sleeping? Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
I found it interesting that he didn't say "get up and pray for me" or "pray for things to turn out the way you want".
No, he says to pray SO THAT you won't fall into temptation.
Interesting.
Because the night before as I prayed the Lord's prayer, I had stopped after saying "lead us not into temptation..." and I wondered "really? do I need to pray that? To not be led into temptation? Temptation of what?"
So this wording really stood out to me.
Since it was interesting to me, I reread that part of the scripture and noticed something else I had never noticed before.
Before Jesus asks "Why are you sleeping?" it says "When he rose from prayer and went back to his disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow."
Hmmmmm.
Exhausted.
From sorrow.
They weren't just being lazy, undisciplined, or careless like I've always perceived.
They were exhausted from sorrow.
And in that sorrow, Jesus knew they could be tempted.
So he asks them to pray.
I can relate.
I have experienced exhaustion from sorrow lately.
And in that exhaustion, I'm tempted to feel like nothing I do matters.
That's my temptation.
And, it was as if Jesus said to me at 2am "Why are you sleeping? Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
It's a temptation for me to completely give up...to believe lies that there's nothing I can do...this is too big for me to even make a single ripple of a difference...why not just shut down...what do I possibly have to offer at this time?
But, in the night, ideas were coming to me. It was as if my motivation showed back up. I jotted down my ideas. Nothing earth shattering or seemingly world changing, but ideas. motivation. It's what I had been lacking.
Then I woke up with a clear head. Can't explain it. But the fog had lifted a little.
The temptation to believe I'm hopeless, helpless, not creative, and frankly not caring, had lifted.
I do care.
Deeply.
It's OK for me to feel sorrow. It's OK for me to feel exhaustion. It's OK for me to feel whatever I feel!
But, I believe there is an enemy who wants to find me when I'm down and tempt me to stay there and to experience hopelessness.
Nope.
I can pray.
Why?
I can be reminded of my identity in Christ.
I can find my grounding. My center. My unchanging truth.
I can find wholeness even in my sorrow.
And it is out of that wholeness that I can be who I was created to be.
