Why pray?

I woke up yesterday feeling the best I have since this whole Coronavirus life change started.
Why?
Probably a combination of things.
Maybe I was just lucky to land in the "acceptance" stage of grief for a day.
But, I also think it was interesting that I woke up the night before and couldn't fall back to sleep.  I wouldn't say I was feeling anxious, just awake.
I did have thoughts springing into my mind.  I considered just getting up for the day, but I checked my phone and it was only 2:15am.
Nope.  Not getting up.
But I thought it might be helpful to just write things on my task list on my phone as I thought of things so I could get them out of my head.
So that's what I did.
If I thought of something, I would jot it down.
Then I laid there and prayed. 
I prayed for people and situations and people groups.
Then I recited the Lord's prayer repeatedly. 
Eventually, I fell asleep.
So, when I woke up the next morning  I felt rested and....motivated.
Weird.
I have been feeling so low and overwhelmed and just foggy.  It was noticeable to me that I felt more clear-headed.
I grabbed coffee and started my daily morning time of reading, praying, listening, and writing.
First I read something in a daily email meditation about how Jesus said "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" and the reflections said "If our soul is at rest in the comforting sweetness and softness of God, we can bear the hardness of life."
That felt so comforting to read.
I thought about how I had been up the night before, but never felt anxious about it.  I prayed, I surrendered, then I prayed some more.
Next I moved on to read Luke 22 and saw the familiar story of Jesus praying, then returning to his disciples and finding them asleep.  He said "Why are you sleeping?  Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
I found it interesting that he didn't say "get up and pray for me" or "pray for things to turn out the way you want".
No, he says to pray SO THAT you won't fall into temptation. 
Interesting.
Because the night before as I prayed the Lord's prayer, I had stopped after saying "lead us not into temptation..." and I wondered "really? do I need to pray that?  To not be led into temptation?  Temptation of what?"
So this wording really stood out to me.
Since it was interesting to me, I reread that part of the scripture and noticed something else I had never noticed before.
Before Jesus asks "Why are you sleeping?" it says "When he rose from prayer and went back to his disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow."
Hmmmmm.
Exhausted. 
From sorrow. 
They weren't just being lazy, undisciplined, or careless like I've always perceived.
They were exhausted from sorrow.
And in that sorrow, Jesus knew they could be tempted.
So he asks them to pray.
I can relate.
I have experienced exhaustion from sorrow lately.
And in that exhaustion, I'm tempted to feel like nothing I do matters.
That's my temptation.
And, it was as if Jesus said to me at 2am "Why are you sleeping?  Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
It's a temptation for me to completely give up...to believe lies that there's nothing I can do...this is too big for me to even make a single ripple of a difference...why not just shut down...what do I possibly have to offer at this time?
But, in the night, ideas were coming to me.  It was as if my motivation showed back up.  I jotted down my ideas.  Nothing earth shattering or seemingly world changing, but ideas.  motivation.  It's what I had been lacking.
Then I woke up with a clear head.  Can't explain it.  But the fog had lifted a little. 
The temptation to believe I'm hopeless, helpless, not creative, and frankly not caring, had lifted.
I do care.
Deeply.
It's OK for me to feel sorrow.  It's OK for me to feel exhaustion.  It's OK for me to feel whatever I feel!
But, I believe there is an enemy who wants to find me when I'm down and tempt me to stay there and to experience hopelessness.
Nope.
I can pray. 
Why?
I can be reminded of my identity in Christ.
I can find my grounding.  My center.  My unchanging truth.
I can find wholeness even in my sorrow. 
And it is out of that wholeness that I can be who I was created to be. 

Truth in a whisper

I'm so grateful for a daily meditation I've been receiving via email.
A few of the quotes from today that hit me:
"God is eternal.  The human mind is finite.  If God could be comprehended, surrounded by a concept, this would make us greater than God"
and
"Alongside all our knowing must be the equal and honest 'knowing that I do not know'"
These are such freeing statements to my mind and heart.
It's so freeing for me to have well educated, well read, faithful, thoughtful, loving, curious people express what I'm already thinking.  It feels validating.
I've always found it perplexing how people can make statement about God or their worldview with such simplicity or such certainty.  For a while, I thought my goal was to read my bible and seek God and pray so that I, too, would have a rock solid certainty about who God is.  As if my ultimate hope was to finally get God inside of a box that I could easily explain to others- so that they could have God in a box too.
It's really strange to consider that would ever be a big enough hope.
Because, for me, as soon as I would get God inside my box, I would find myself a little disappointed and unsure.  It always bothered me that I was even encouraged to "share my faith" because I equated that with "put God into words and try to convey in spoken and written word all that God is".  And I would feel deep down in my spirit that if I could explain God with my limited intellect and vocabulary (in my one and only understood language) then God isn't very impressive after all.
To me, it makes so much more sense and gives me so much more hope and freedom to acknowledge and state that God is paradox, mystery, unknowing, just beyond my reach, just beyond my words, just beyond my explanation.  God is something I experience, feel and know in a part of myself that isn't language and reason.
Does that mean I can't share my faith?
No.
I still want to share this incredible hope and freedom and love with the world.  I want everyone to experience the love, grace, mercy and freedom that I believe is the hope of the world!  Of course I do.
But it actually makes me a little sick feeling to dumb that down to one bible verse or one cliche statement, or one certain idea that is meant to convey all that God is.
Especially something so weird like "God sent Jesus and you have to believe he's the only way to heaven or you'll be tortured for eternity."
What the?
That's it?
That's God?
That's his big idea for us summed up in one statement?
Where's the beauty?  The love?  The mystery? The hope?  The freedom? The complexity?
How did that one idea become worthy of sharing, while essentially leaving everything else out as less relevant?  Blows my mind.
I remember growing up, surrounded by many who had faith.  I appreciate that I felt safe, that I had a deep sense of belonging, and that I felt "in".  Of course, it breaks my heart that I honestly assumed anyone who was involved in a different church or religion was misled and it was probably a cult, because our church was "right" so everyone else had to be "wrong".  It's the only way my faith could be strong.  I had to dig in my heels and be certain we were right.  So I had to exclude others.
But, of all that I learned and witnessed and heard, I can only remember one thing that triggered a sense of wonder and curiosity and hope.
It was when my Aunt Karin, my Godmother, would say to me "Jesus loves you."
And she took many opportunities to make sure I heard that.  She wrote it in my birthday cards, whispered it in my ear when she hugged me, looked me in the eye and said it when I was overwhelmed.
I attended Catholic school for 8 years of my formative childhood, I went to mass at least once a week, usually 2-3 times a week during the school year.  So I must have learned a lot.  I said the rosary with my Grandma frequently, did the stations of the cross during lent, made all of my sacraments, took holy Communion, made my confession every few months, and said my memorized prayers every day.
But the only thing I remember is "Jesus loves you" being whispered in my ear and something deep inside me wanting to believe that was true.
I don't have any memory of any other things I did, said, or thought bringing me to that feeling of hope.  My deep desire to believe I was loved.  That I was worthy of Jesus' love.  That I was connected somehow to the mysterious God through a love relationship that I did nothing to earn or deserve.
All of that yearning and hope was communicated to me somehow in that simple statement "Jesus loves you".
I could not have comprehended most of the thoughtful explanations I now enjoy reading about faith, grace, theology, and church history.
Yet, truth seems to find it's way to a soul that is searching.
And, for me, even as a child, my soul was searching for that truth.  And my Aunt Karin, who lived a life of obedience to her Jesus, wanted to share that truth with me.
Man, we over complicate things.  It's so weird.  Of course God is beyond our comprehension.  Of course we can't fully know God.
But we can seek truth.
And we can share hope and love.
And, if we believe it's true, we can simply whisper to someone "Jesus loves you."