Today marks 20 years
of marriage. I have never been more fulfilled
in my life and I am thankful beyond words. This past weekend, Timm surprised me
with a gathering of friends and family, a renewing of our vows, and the perfect
gift of a slideshow reflecting our life together - ending in the announcement
of his plan to take me on a trip to Austin Texas for the Austin City Limits music
festival! WEEEEEEEEE!
In the heat of the moment (literally – it was over 90
degrees and humid) I was a bit overwhelmed and unsure of what to share with
dear family and friends. I don’t even
know what I said. Now that I have had
time to soak in the moment, reflect, and let words scurry through my head, I want to say more.
I love words. I love
to speak them out, write them down, read them, rearrange them, listen to them,
share them. Yet, I can also find myself
overwhelmed and unable to verbally express the depth of emotion. There are some things that words simply can
not touch; things that transcend.
My state of mind about Timm and our marriage and this
weekend are falling into that category.
I can’t seem to articulate what I want to express. Yet, I can’t seem to stop myself from trying. There is a saying that hindsight is 20/20. For me, it is fun to look back with clearer vision.
What I may have
shared if I had time to think ahead. A
little bit of our love story….
I’m not a person who believes in “soul mates” or in waiting
for the perfect person to complete you.
But, I do believe that God brought Timm into my life and that he is
exactly the person God knew would be good for me. None of us can really imagine how our life
would have gone if not for certain circumstances. But, I
find it impossible to imagine a life without Timm in it. Even if I try, I can’t even consider that
there would have been another person I would have wanted to spend my life with.
Timm invited my BFF
Dana to come up for the weekend, all the way from North Carolina, to
celebrate our 20th.
Apparently he told her that it was important for her to be there because, if it weren’t for her, we probably
would not have ended up making it as a couple. Let me explain.
On the beautiful slide show Timm created of our life, he
highlighted our “first date”. That’s in
quotations for a reason. We became close
friends at CMU, and while I was moving along to do my internship, he was
staying back at CMU to goof off and figure out his path. OK, he eventually figured that path out, and
I wouldn’t change a thing. But, anyways…the
Fall semester had ended, it was now January, and I was moving into an apartment
with Dana. Timm came to see my new place
and to say goodbye before making the two and a half hour trip back up to Mt.
Pleasant the next day. We went out for
the evening, and somehow, we crossed the
line of friendship and did some kissing!
Naturally, I
panicked. Knowing what time he was
planning to leave for CMU the next day, I waited until I thought he would
arrive and I called him. Ugh, that was a
long 3 hours of waiting to call –this was long before cell phones and texting
and voicemails! And I didn’t want to leave a message on his answering machine
for his roommates to hear! Whew, I was
relieved when he answered. I immediately
breathed a sigh of relief and blurted out my very rational thoughts about the
situation.
“Please don’t tell anyone what happened between us last
night, our friends will make a big deal about it and it will be awkward for
everyone! It’s already going to be
awkward for us. Please let’s just
pretend it didn’t happen.”
Timm’s response was something
like
“What are you crazy?
I ALREADY TOLD EVERYONE. We’re
not gonna pretend that didn’t happen. We’re
going to start going out, this is AWESOME!”
What the what?
I asked who he told, and he had in fact already told EVERYONE!
Oh my gosh, all of our friends think we are dating, now what am I going to do?
I went on to explain to Timm that we are not dating and it was a mistake and he
shouldn’t have told anyone and we CAN’T BE DATING because it would ruin our
friendship.
I can still remember being on that old phone receiver, which
was connected to the boxy table top telephone by a swirling cord that only
allowed me to pace about 4 feet in either direction in my state of
confusion.
This conversation went round and round. I tried to explain to Timm that he can’t tell
me I’m dating him if I tell him I don’t want to. He would then question me about why I didn’t want
to and I would repeat that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. He would then tell me that was a ridiculous
reason and that he needed a better one if he was going to even consider taking
me seriously. I finally gave up, and our
conversation ended with me saying “We are not a couple. We are not dating.” And him replying “Hmmm. OK. I’ll
see you this weekend.”
What is that supposed to mean?
So, then I turned to my roommate Dana to express my outrage
about how Timm could think he could tell me what was going to happen! Sure, I
wanted him to come visit the next weekend, but he can’t come! He can’t be around me and think that he can
force me to be in a romantic relationship with him. I
believe Dana’s response went something like this…”So, you like this guy so much
that you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship or lose him. You get along great. You love being together. You laugh together. He treats you with respect. You both can’t wait to see each other.
(insert the most sarcastic tone you can conjur up) Yah, I can see your problem!!! You poor thing! What are you going to do?”
I was a bit stunned. Did
that just happen? I was losing my
bearings! They were ganging up on me! No
one was listening to me!
This went on all week.
After Timm and I would talk on the phone, Dana would casually ask who
that was. I would answer and she would
say “mmmmmm. Ohhhhh. OK. But…..he’s NOT your boyfriend.” Then she would walk by while I was scribbling
out pages of writing on looseleaf paper and she would ask who I was writing to. I would hesitantly admit that it was a letter
to Timm and then brace myself for the response of “ohhhhhh. Hmmmmm.
Your FRIEND Timm, who you already talked to today? How many pages is that letter to your FRIEND?” She was relentless.
Timm never wavered. I
allowed myself to give in and to start a dating relationship with him. But, then I panicked again about a month
later and I was tortured about how to tell him.
I worked up my courage all week, and then on a weekend in February, I
told him we needed to talk. Through pain
and tears, I choked out the truth to him.
I can’t do this! I can’t date
you. I’m so sorry. I never should have let this happen! I tried to stop it. On and on I lamented. And he just sat there nodding and asked “Why?” So again I had to explain that I didn’t want
to lose him as a friend and I hope I didn’t already screw it all up. He assured me that I didn’t screw anything
up. I was starting to calm down and feel
better and then he went on to tell me that he would be happy to break up if and when
I had a good reason to do so. But, if my
reason was because I like him too much and don’t want to risk losing him, then
that is ridiculous and doesn’t make any sense.
He gave me another opportunity to come up with a reason that he felt was
legit. He even gave me some good reasons
to consider breaking up with a person.
But, my reason continued to be that I didn’t want to ruin what we
had. So, he just sat there and said “Nope. That’s not a good reason. We aren’t breaking up for that. What do you wanna do tonight?”
I’ll be honest. This happened
one more time in those early months, and I finally gave up on trying to weasel
out of it and started to just enjoy our relationship as "boyfriend and girlfriend".
After almost 3 years
of this fun, long-distance relationship, I was in my comfy place. Then Timm threw me another pitch that I tried
to dodge. He started a conversation about
us getting married. GULP! I felt that panic creep back in and the voice
in my head screaming “Not safe! Run away!
Just keep things the way they are! Don’t
risk!” So, as I saw that pitch whizzing straight for my head, I ducked. Whew.
That was close. We had the
conversation, and I remained calm. Through a casual smile, I explained to Timm
that I just wasn’t ready to talk about this and that I would appreciate it if
we just kept things the way they were.
The next day, he showed
up with flowers, a poem, and a ring….
Come on! Who does
that? I just can’t imagine another
person having the unique characteristics of confidence and compassion to call me
out like that. Without any actual
psychoanalytical techniques, he was showing me something about myself that I
couldn’t see. He was loving me enough to
not let me avoid getting close because I
couldn’t risk the loss. I didn’t even
know I was actively avoiding that risk. It’s
incredible to me to think back and see so clearly how God was using Timm to help me see parts of myself that I was blind to. And I am so eternally grateful. Because this has continued for the past 23
years. He has continually and
consistently held up a mirror that reflects the attributes I would not
otherwise see. The absolute trust I have in his love for me has allowed me to
see some of my insecurities, habits, behaviors, and tendencies in a new
light. Instead of keeping those things
in the dark where they are safe and unseen, Timm has been able to gently pull
things out of that hidden place and into the undeniable light so that I am able
to face them . Having a person that close to me is at once scary,
painful, embarrassing, transforming, redeeming, and beautiful. He has never
given me a reason to doubt that he is safe, trustworthy, and always for me-not
against me. I’m not saying that I have
never doubted! Trusting is tough stuff
for me. But, I am saying that he has
never given me reason to doubt. That has changed me.
Timm has helped me to see that life is an adventure and
there is no other way I would want to approach each day than to anticipate the
unexpected and enjoy the ride. He has
taught me how to speak the truth in love, using my words to encourage and grow,
not to tear down and destroy. He has
helped me learn to enjoy the present, not just prepare for the future. He continues to support me as I learn how to embrace
vulnerability and invite closeness with others in my life. Beyond that, he speaks genuine words of
affirmation to me and serves our family with his works daily.
So, yah, I don’t really believe in soul mates and love at
first sight and all that romantic crap (just ask my poor girls how I feel about
their exposure to romantic stuff potentially misleading them into false
expectations of what real love is! Let’s just say they didn’t grow up with the “Disney
Princess- Happily Ever After “stuff). But, I still can’t imagine my life
without the gift that Timm has been to me.
And I thank God every day that I have been given this opportunity to join
our two lives together as one. And I
pray that we would be given another 20 or 40 or 50 healthy years together this
side of eternity to grow and learn and give and love.
Happy Anniversary
Timm.
