double digits

When I startedwriting this blog, I think it was because I was moving far away from so many friends and family, and this felt like a way to share a glimpse of my day to day life if they felt like checking in.  Since then, we are all on facebook, and I am able to literally share my day to day life instantly with pictures and everything.
So, this has fallen to the wayside.
When I am compelled to write, it is usually when I am contemplating something and have a lot of words in my head.
But, this time I simply felt like sharing an update.
Busy few weeks.
First of all, as the title of the post indicates....double digits!  Olivia had her 10th birthday!  We had a really fun party with some of her friends.  A backwards theme.  She had two of her friends sleep over, which was a first for her.
Her actual birthday fell on a Saturday, so we went out to dinner at a really nice Thai restaurant and then enjoyed just walking around to some stores on 5th ave (Brooklyn, not Manhattan).
Liv continues to be an absolute joy to be around.  She is crazy, hilarious, creative, and spontaneous.  We never stop laughing, and never stop saying "Liiiiv!"  when she does something careless that we didn't see coming and have to draw her attention to it so she will stop (walking into traffic, bumping into things, etc).  She is kinda busy right now doing drama club after school once a week, girls on the run twice a week, and dance classes too!  She decided that she does want to be in the Junior dance company again next year.  It's ludicrously expensive to the point where i feel horrible because we could feed starving children with that money!!!!! But, we are going to let her do it for one more year.  She worked so hard and is really disciplined and strong.  And, I feel it is so good for her.  And, Timm absolutely loves to see her dance!
Alli just went to school an hour early to participate in drama club.
She is also doing track after school once a week.
Friday she is going on a field trip to Gettysburg!
She has been such an incredibly GREAT kid.  I am so proud of her, my heart feels like it could explode.  Her teachers have good things to say about having her in class, she has shown some improvements in most of her grades, she has been putting in a lot of effort towards projects and homework.  She seems to have a least one party every weekend on the calendar!  When she doesn't, she has at least one friend here sleeping over.
I have been really busy with volunteer stuff.  It's good, but I am maxed out at the moment.  VP of the PTA at Liv's school.  Also, chair of the Fitness Committee there.  We just received a big grant to improve the schoolyard, so we have to plan for that.  And, I am coordinating a partnership between the school and a local organization to provide PE classes at the school.  We have end of the year activities coming up there, and it is literally almost daily that we have something.  I also am part of the school leadership team there.
Meanwhile, I took on co-secretary position on the pTSO at Alli's school.  Meanwhile am chairing the committee for the annual SPring Gala that is TOMORROW.  Yikes.  What did I get myself into?? Also  volunteered for field day at her school, and whatever else I can do.
Last week, I was given the opportunity to try a new way to serve my church community.  Chris and Craig asked me to try teaching on a Sunday.  Well, now that it is all said and done, I feel OK about it and I am glad it is done.  It was WAY outside my comfort zone and required a LOT more prep than I ever imagined.  And, the day I spoke, I was not feeling very good about it.  I felt like I blew it.  But, I listened to it online, and it wasn't as bad as I thought.  Especially considering it was my first try.  It certainly is a stretch for me though.  Way outside of my comfort.  If God plans to use me in that capacity in the future, He is going to have to do ALL of the work.  It is not my idea of how I'd like to serve!
So, it is time to get Liv up and off to school.
After tomorrow's gala....I wake up super early Friday morning and Timm is taking me to the airport.  Timm is the absolute, hands-down, best husband in the world.  I fly to MI to spend my girls weekend with some awesome friends in Ann Arbor!  THen, my incredible friend is taking me to my Mom and Dad's on Sunday where I get to spend two days visiting before they take me back to the airport to fly home.  Fri-Tuesday!  I'm going on VACATION!  And, I could really use a break.
SO, there. An update of what is happening.
Oh, forgot to mention that Timm has been gone every single week and back on weekends for about a month.  He is in Dayton right now.  So, I've been single parenting it.
A break does sound good.
BYE~!

If anything else is more important than love, shut up

Listening to my favorite teacher.  Greg Boyd, pastor or Woodland Hills Church and author of so many great books.  His message from 4/15/12 was "Our One Foundation"
I love the sermon all the way through because I tend to agree with him on a  theological level. He was talking about how he could describe their church, since it doesn't seem to fit exactly into any one mold.  I can relate to that.
But, towards the end, while he was doing a Q & A, I actually stopped the podcast at one point to write a few things down.  Because i just agreed with it so wholeheartedly and feel it is SO important.
He said something like this:  If you are compelled to tell someone they are wrong because YOU are right, the MOST important thing you can do is to share this humbly and in love and openness.
He then went on to quote 1 Corinthians 16:14 "Let everything you do be done in love. " And he said "The minute being RIGHT is more important to you than being loving, do the kingdom of God a favor and shut up!"
I had a great conversation the other night with a friend.  We talked a lot about who God is and whether He can be trusted and what that means.  We also talked about how some people view God as distant, absent, disappointed, or a figment of people's fantasy.
Here's what I don't understand though.  Why do people get so mad at each other about it?  Why would I, as a believer in God, get mad at an atheist for not agreeing with me?  Why would an atheist, who thinks God is a made up fantasy, get mad at me for believing otherwise?  Or, why would either of us wish the other harm?  Are we THAT attached to being RIGHT?  Has "being right" become a religion or an idol to some people?  Of course, when you believe something deeply, you feel it is right.  But, why does that turn into a need to have others agree you are right?!
Now, I can't speak for the atheist.  But, I can assume that an atheist gets fed up with self righteous people always speaking down to them in a condescending, judgemental way. Always feeling a need to prove they are right and the atheist is clearly wrong and therefore going to suffer for it. That would get irritating.
But, as a Christian, speaking down, being condescending and judgemental, or needing to prove I am right makes no sense!
When did Jesus demonstrate that as an example to me?  When did He command or suggest for me to do that?  I believe He did ask some things of me.  And, as a follower, I try to align my life the best way I can in any given moment to surrender to Him.  I try to humble myself, get my identity from Him, my purpose and value from Him, and my assignments from him.  He clearly commanded us to Love God with all our hearts, mind, strength, and soul.  He commanded us to love others as we love ourselves.  He commanded us to go and make disciples.  Did he say, go and make converts to your way of thinking and make sure they agree with every detail of your theology.  NO.  Love God. Love Others. Make disciples.
Am I doing these things?  I don't know.  I'm trying.  I can't do any of it without God's power working in and through me.  I'm worthless trying to do it out of my own strength.
But, of this I am sure!  If I am not getting it right on the Love God part, I'm going to have a really hard time loving others.  And, if I am not getting the love others part, I hope I am not trying to make disciples.

my tummy hurts

OK. Sitting here letting my tummy settle.

It's anxiety.

Deep breaths.

Ah. that's better.

A friend recently described himself as a "high capacity person". That is a true and insightful observation for him. I think it's important to be self aware and reflective. As much as I'd like to say I am also a "high capacity person" I am realizing I am not.

I am a "high energy person". I am a "high activity person". But, I don't know about "high capacity".

One of the biggest struggles of my life has been to recognize and heal my short temper. I have come a LONG way, thanks to God. I believe He has supernaturally transformed me.

However, one of the very practical factors involved in this transformation is that I have eliminated a lot from my life. I still love to be active and busy, but I do not have a high capacity for quick decision making, problem solving, multi tasking, and juggling.

So, I am acknowledging that I have a tummy ache because I am anxious. It has already faded. I can recognize signs now and reduce my load as needed before I go to "over capacity".

I think I have had a lot of up and down for my capacity. Yesterday, I:

chaired a meeting to plan a fundraising gala event - yay

met with a friend who is suffering with some horrible realities - boo

hosted a small group and had a new friend come - yay

today - some really good news via email, the kind that brings tears of joy - yay, yay, yay

worked lunchroom duty at Liv's school - yay

Got two phone calls, 3 emails while on lunch duty because of major snafu with upcoming gala event. The venue double booked! - boo

Answered or sent out about 45 emails about events happening - yay

Have an awesome night planned where my passions collide - the people I work with on PTA along with my church peeps - plus talented friends - all raising money and hanging out. I need to get up and do the welcome. - yay. Maybe i should prepare something? - boo

edited a letter I need to send to parents at liv's school asking for money - boo

made final plans for PTA dance/auction this friday at liv's school - yay

Secured donations for both kids' school auction fundraisers - yay

OK, that's enough. I did many other things too. And, I am DISGUSTED when people brag about how busy they are. That's not what I am doing at all! I am actually realizing that, I do not like it when there is too much going on. Because, in the midst of my stuff, alli is going to a Friend's, liv has an after school club, then I take her straight to dance, then straight out for night. Too busy.

That's why I am borderline obsessed about my schedule. I hate to over commit. It stresses me out. Like I said, I am high energy and high activity, but I can't handle too much that requires so much thinking, decision making, problem solving, strategizing. When it comes to those things, I am efficient, but focused and not a good at multi tasking. When I feel there are a lot of loose ends, I get a tummy ache.

So, I thank God that he has blessed me with a flexible schedule. My effort has been to love Him and to love others by using my gifts and talents, without getting over busy just because I happen to have the energy. Energy only gets me so far.

OK, that's what I needed. A little write-rest. I feel better.

And, I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was even tempted to throw something, kick something, or scream till my throat feels bad.

It's important to be self aware. To recognize strengths and constraints (timm doesn't like me to say weaknesses).

And, as we discussed in our small group last night, it's important to be comfortable in your own skin and to STOP comparing yourself to others in order to define yourself and gain worth!

more from my journal

Same theme, different day.

Every morning, I wake up and have quiet time where I rest in the presence of my creator. I praise Him and worship Him and humble myself before Him. I ask for His grace and love to wash over me and be real in my life. Basically, I spend time falling in love with Him and feeling loved in return. I usually spend time reading my devotional and/or bible and I journal my thoughts and prayers.

This is from my journal yesterday.

"Today in Luke 14:25-34 brings me back almost 5 years to my first trip to NY. Craig assigned us this reading and I had so many questions then. I remember asking...How can we truly count the cost? How can we really be prepared and be sure we have what we need? Aren't we asked the opposite? To NOT consider what we have, but rather to dive into service with nothing?

But, I learned, as you were gently teaching me, that you need everything from me. Every morsel, every fiber of my being. All of me.

14:33 "In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. "

BAM! Plain and simple. In verse 27 "Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple"

Jesus is saying that you must come to a point of understanding that following Him is not just about gain. You have to be willing to lose everything in order to gain Him. When he said this, there were "large crowds" following him. It's almost as if he stopped, turned to them, and said "Really? Do you really want to be following me?" It's like he was trying to weed out the large crowd!

Strange.

As I have struggled for years now about how much of the "good news" should be presented in an "attractional" way and how much should really be more confrontational? On the one hand, Jesus was "performing" many miracles. Quite a spectacle. Attracting lots of spectators. That seems important. THEN, he turns to them once they are drawn to His works, and He speaks the hard truth. He "weeds them out".

It seems you have to expose people first to Jesus' power, love, grace, mercy. Once that is of interest to a person, they will be ready to hear that Jesus requires complete allegiance and submission.

If you start with the submission/allegiance stuff when presenting Jesus, where is the LOVE? People need to feel attracted to, drawn to, intrigued by Jesus first. Then they have to seek him. Then they will get to know him. Then they WILL LOVE HIM. It is only then that they will obey him. "

OK, so that is an example of my journaling. Half the time I speak directly to God, half the time I just think thoughts about Him.

But, this theme of complete submission is a constant in my quiet time for years now. And, no matter how many times it comes to me, it is profound every single time. Because, we do not live this way on earth. We just don't.

Well, on a lighter note.....I have enjoyed an incredible spring break with my family. Seriously awesome. Started with a date night to Brooklyn Commune with Timm. Food so good, it's sick! Then Good Friday, then Seder dinner, then Easter sonrise service, brunch, and a great dinner here. Then we went on a road trip to Rhode Island and had a super fantastic time! See Alli's blog for a few pics. I love spending time with my girls so much, it makes me crazy. Came back in time for Liv's dance recital. I cried. She seriously made my heart crinkle and my eyes fling out tears of joy. Yep, that good. Last night, after having an impromptu soup dinner with two neighbor families here, I went out on another date with Timm to a little bar called Sunny's where they have live music. Today I get to go to another of Olivia's performances (she is in 6 all together). Tonight I am hoping to go to a swanky place in the city to meet up with a friend for her birthday. Tomorrow after church and dropping Liv off for her final shows, I get to go to the movies with my friend.

DANG! My life is too good to be true!

ask, seek, knock

Are you familiar with Luke 9:9-10? I bet you are, even if you didn't realize that was the verse. Jesus is talking to his disciples and he just told them how to pray. He gave them the Lord's Prayer. Then he tells a little story and he goes on to say:

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Who doesn't love these verses??

It is thrilling to think about asking God for something and having Jesus guarantee you will get it!

But, as I read this today, here are my thoughts.

This isn't magic. This isn't a genie in a bottle that you only call out when you have wishes to be granted. I don't think this is about asking for stuff in the way we usually think of it.

It is about seeking to know God. Asking to know God. Once you know Him you will fall in love with Him and will be compelled to worship Him. Compelled. Thrilled. Determined. To give Him all glory, honor, and authority. To offer Him all obedience and submission. To joyfully give Him reign over your life.

That's what this is about. Seek God. Ask for God. Knock on God's door. Desire for Him to reveal Himself to you. And stop there.

Simply seek Him. Not for a way to ask for your own desires. But, just to find HIM!

He will answer. He will open the door. And, when he does, simply continue to ask, seek, knock. Get to know Him more. That is the heart of prayer. Seeking God.

I don't think prayer is really about seeking answers, guidance, miracles, solutions to problems. Well, there is a place for that in prayer, and there is nothing wrong with those things. But, naturally, that is all secondary. Because, when you encounter God, when you spend time communing with Him and allowing Him to reveal Himself, your only response is to worship.

Out of that reverence and worship, your prayer can only be to serve Him and be in His will.

And, of course you delightfully share the desires of your heart with Him. You openly pour out your heart. All fears, doubts, concerns, frustrations. All hopes, desires, dreams. And, ultimately, you ask God to align your will with His. You ask for forgiveness and transformation and release from the power of all that is troubling. OF COURSE!

BUT....it all pours out of a heart of worship.

When you pray, if you pray, what are you seeking?

Are you seeking God?

Or are you skipping that part and seeking your desires?

It simply can not work that way.

Today I hope to stop everything, focus all of myself on Him and ask to know Him. That is what I want to do in my prayer time. It's not about me. It's about Him. I hope I can do this every day.

50/50

A simple thought that has been on my mind a lot lately.

I know a lot of married people. And, to me, there is hardly anything sweeter than seeing a good, strong, loving marriage.

How does a marriage like that come to be?

It must be that they have mastered the perfect 50/50 plan, right? They each give 50% and meet each other halfway on everything.

No.

That is not how a good marriage works.

For a marriage to be healthy, the spouses better be striving for the 100/100 plan.

I'll be the first to admit that I am incapable of giving 100%. I may do alright in some areas some of the time. But, I am a selfish, sinful person. I am.

But, in order to truly LOVE my husband, I try to give 100%. I never think "I will give 50% and he better meet me half way with his 50%".

Mathematically, it doesn't work.

When I am striving for 100%, I probably achieve a "B" average. Somewhere in the 80% range. So, what if I was striving for 50%? I'd maybe get to 40%. That leaves a big gap, doesn't it?

We would never meet halfway.

And, meanwhile, it is usually much easier to "grade" my spouses efforts than my own. In other words, I might feel that I met or even exceeded my 50%, but I would likely see my spouses grade a bit lower.

I guess when 1 Corinthians mentions that love "does not keep score" that was good advice.

I am just so blessed beyond my wildest expectations in my marriage. As we both strive to show our love in a 100% A+ fashion, we are serving each other before ourselves.

Being in a relationship like this really does give me a glimpse of the kind of love there must be in the relationship between Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Imagine that.

In that relationship, all they do is serve each other and love each other completely all the time in an perfect, unbreakable bond! Imagine how beautiful that is.

I believe that God created marriage as a glimpse into that kind of love.

I fall short all the time. But I am so thankful to have this relationship and the model that God set for loving and serving each other.

walking

Wouldn't it be weird if someone announced "I'm going for a walk!" And then they sat down and went about whatever they were doing, and never got up and took any steps? If someone in my family did that, I'd probably say something like "Ummm, didn't you say you were going for a walk? Why are you just sitting there?" And then what if that person replied to me "I am walking." That would be so strange.

Yet, I think this is what many of us do in our faith.

We have many cliche ways to describe what it means to "be a Christian". Some examples include "ask Jesus into my heart" "Have a personal relationship with Jesus" "put my trust in Jesus" "believe in Jesus". The list goes on and on.

But I think of it as a walk.

Hopefully, if you consider yourself a follower of Jesus, and you have accepted His gift of unconditional love and forgiveness, you have met Him. Hopefully you have had a conversation of some kind with Him that involves submitting to Him as Lord. And, hopefully, you have invited people in your life to share that exciting news with.

In my mind, I picture my baptism as a public declaration of "I'M GOING FOR A WALK!"

Once I declare that to God and others, I have a choice every day, hour and moment to either sit back and relax, or to take steps. If I have declared that I am making a choice to walk, then it would follow that I need to take STEPS.

Does this mean I am earning God's love by taking steps? NO! The love is unconditional. My steps are simply my way of honoring our relationship.

God, my mind wanders to earthly things. All the time. My physical senses are bombarded all the time with THIS world. So, every moment that I can discipline myself to remember that I am not of this world, but yours, I submit to you and bask in your unending peace and love. And I redirect my whole being under your kingdom. Each time I do that, it is a STEP.

Step.

Step.

Step.

Now I am walking. With you. That is the only way to be your follower. There is no passive way. It is an active decision all the time.

Acknowledging your presence...step.

Acknowledging your power and glory and goodness and love.....step.

Accepting your love....step.

Talking and listening to you....step.

Seeing your creation as the incredible miracle that it is....step.

Reflecting on truth....step.

Your love is unending, unstoppable, unconditional....step.

You did not come to offer condemnation, but freedom....step.

My brief time on this earth is so limited, my eternity is with you....step.

In this world, I will suffer....step.

But you promise me joy in my suffering and eternity of peace and joy....step.

You did not come to be served, but to serve....step.

I am not here to be served, but to serve....step.

I am yours....step.

Use me....step.

Fill me with your transforming spirit of love, grace, wisdom and mercy....step.

I commit Lord, to WALKING with you. I will stumble. I will fall. I will stop in my tracks. Because I am a sinner and I am living in this cloudy world that blocks the son from my view. But, I commit to abiding in you. To accepting your gifts. To take STEPS. Please be a powerful presence in my life. Remind me. Prompt me. Keep me in your light.