do-er

Most women will say that there is something pretty awesome about being this age. 40ish. Because, by now, you should have a pretty good idea of who you are, what your strengths and limitations are, what you are good at, what you are not good at, etc. And, you care much less about trying to be just like the other women and rather embrace yourself for who you are. You know you don't look 20, and you don't try to. At least this is my experience with girlfriends in their 40's.

But, it is still funny how reality has a way of whacking me in the face sometimes.

I've said it before, and I will say it again...I am a "do-er". I learned this years ago at a Hearts at Home conference. There are generally some women who are "do-ers" and some who are "be-ers". And, it is easy to judge or envy a person who possesses the opposite bend. I have so many examples of this happening.

Now I just laugh when I notice the difference. And I try to appreciate the way I am wired.

See, after having my normal routine in an upheaval for a few weeks (16 of the last 18 days we have either had a guest here or been traveling), I am feeling behind on my "do-ing".

So today I caught up on many things. Non stop do-ing. It gets dark early, and I started losing steam, but felt anxious becuase I had a LONG list of to-do's still haunting me. I was having trouble enjoying our dinner conversation because I was feeling anxious about needing to type up meeting minutes for one meeting, figure out how to edit and attach an excel document for another fundraising event, coordinate volunteers for another event, etc. Seriously. I never did this much when I "worked". But, it was Friday night, and I wanted to also find some time to chill with my girls.

We did go out for a little bit looking for a geo-cache, but we weren't successful, and I honestly couldn't relax. So, when we got home, we finished up folding laundry, putting bedding on, picking up, etc. I asked Alli if she could run a borrowed item back to the neighbor. When she came back, she was smiling and said "They are so predictable over there. WHen I went to the door, she answered with her glass of wine, the music was playing, candles were lit...."

Hmmmmm, my INSTANT thought was "son of a b!$#%, why can't I relax like that on a Friday night? WHy do I have to be so uptight and worry about the sheets being clean and 50 million volunteer obligations?" But, I know the answer. It's just the way I am.

My neighbor is a stay at home mom also. And, she is so good at "Be-ing". I'm a little bit envious, I'll admit. But, I don't dwell on it. I think it's humorous. We are all different. A good friend who is also really good at be-ing has told me that she is often envious of my energy and involvement and "do-ing".

Nah, I won't waste time being envious or wishing I was different. But, I WILL strive to maintain a bit of balance. We like to have FUN in our home. We value down time. And I have made many changes throughout the years to make sure our schedules align with our values.

And, now, after scratching about 6 items off the list, I am resting and reading blogs and writing just for fun. I would hang with the girls, but they are watching tv, and I don't enjoy that.

And, I didn't choose a glass of wine, but I had a delicious treat.

See, I know how to relax and just "be...."

Visitors

Been a bad, bad blogger this month.

But, it has not been an uneventful month. I even put on my to-do list "blog" many times. But, it never made the cut. Oops.

A few weeks ago, Timm travelled to MI for work and when he returned, he brought his good friend/co-worker, Gerald with him. He stayed for a few days. He and Timm worked and played here in NY for a few days.

When Timm dropped Gerald off at the airport, it just happened to be my 40th birthday. Little did I know that he was also picking Carrie up at the airport to SURPRISE me!!!!

Oh, did I scream when he told me I had a package and he brought her in!!!!! I just sat there staring at them and babbling. I was so shocked. I did my best to clear my schedule and Carrie and I had a wonderful few days gabbing and gabbing and eating and drinking and shopping. The night of my birthday, Timm took us out to Alma and we had a great dinner. Craig and Chris SURPRISED me and met up with us there!

Carrie told me she had made reservations for us to have dinner Friday night, and when we got there, I was SURPRISED again when 7 beautiful ladies were there waiting to celebrate with us.

Seriously, the reason I haven't blogged is because I can't seem to put into words how blessed I feel. It started the morning I woke up on my 40th birthday and I felt this incredibly strong sense of joy just bursting in my soul. This was before I knew any of the surprises that lie ahead. I just sat there reflecting on my 40 years on this earth and felt completely overwhelmed with how blessed I have been. I talked to my parents on the phone that morning and thanked them for being such a huge part of making my childhood safe, secure, and full of love.

Since then, things have just spiraled out of control. Every minute seems to point to more blessings that I need to acknowledge. That Friday night, out to dinner with Carrie and 7 others, I almost couldn't focus. I was dizzy feeling. It was like I felt SO loved and SO blessed, it was making me feel intoxicated.

Seriously. Who has a friend like Carrie? Oh, not only did she come here, but she showed up with a gift - a dvd slide show set to two songs that made me feel so special. Amazing and Legacy. When the first photo flashed on the computer screen, I gasped and threw my hand over my mouth. I wasn't expecting the pictures to date back to my BIRTH! She collected pics from my sister, Timm, and my childhood best friend! COME ON!

And Timm. Who has a husband that awesome? He hugs me and says "don't worry about anything. Enjoy your time with Carrie and I will take care of things." Not just for one evening, but DAYS.

And, my two perfectly healthy kids. my parents. my sister. my brother. my nieces and nephews. my in-laws. my health. my friends. my relationship with Jesus and the joy that brings me. Like I said, it is just too hard to put into words, let alone eloquently!

We traveled to MI to celebrate Thanksgiving.

More Thankfulness.

I'm full.

Not from the indulgent eating (although there was plenty of that). But, I am FULL.

I was reading one of CS Lewis books recently about joy. He was trying to describe how joy feels. He attempted to capture the essence of it. But, he struggled to describe it. CS Lewis. He couldn't put it into words. He did his best and then he recommended that if you have never had any similar experience or feeling, you probably wouldn't have any interest in his book because it all came back to that indescribable experience that is at once all consuming, yet fleeting. Joy.

That is what I am full of.

Now, we have another visitor! Timm stayed in MI for work and I had an empty seat in the cube on the trip back to NY. So, my 18 year old niece, DJ hitched a ride with us. She is going to visit all week and fly home Friday. I loved having her there today to pick Olivia up from school. And then when Alli got home and they were all up on my bed together. Ugh. I miss being close to family so bad it makes me wanna puke sometimes. It's the little moments like that. Just hanging out together with someone in the family. I took her to Central Park today, and to China Town to buy some Christmas presents.

I will try to post some again soon. Can't get the pic of DJ to load. Oh well.

I am blessed.

Retreat

Retreat, as defined in the dictionary: a quiet or secluded place in which one can rest and relax.

This weekend, we went on a retreat with our church. We had over 30 people. The setting was perfect. Beautiful rolling hills bursting with fall colors. Green open fields and pastures, some with animals, some with the animals from our group who love to play ultimate Frisbee! A huge old building, with tons of character, which housed us for most of our activities, and some of our sleeping rooms.

Last night, while tucking my girls into bed, they were thanking God for their awesome weekend. Olivia said "I pretty much think that was our best weekend ever..." and Alli agreed "Yep. Definitely."

My heart was so warmed. Part of the reason they felt that way is because we always love to get away and explore new areas. Also, they loved being in nature and enjoying the beauty of it all. The food was pretty appealing. They got to stay up late. But, I believe the MAIN reason they were feeling so content is because of the amazing love they felt within the community of people we hung out with all weekend. What an incredible feeling. To come together, worship, rest, laugh, play, eat, learn, challenge, discus, and relax. And, then to have some personal alone time to reflect as well.

The whole thing was refreshing to my very soul.

I have a ton of pictures. Craig's are better.

I'll upload mine to facebook too when I have a minute.

Retreat....ahhhhhh....I feel so blessed.

open hands

Picture in your mind a set of open hands. What comes to mind? Anything? I think I lived most of my life relating the vision of open hands to the idea that those hands had to let something go. But, I can honestly say that I can now visualize open hands and think of the freedom those hands have to serve others, to receive things, or to simply hang there in a relaxed way, not clenched onto anything.

Is it just me, or is this a lesson we continually learn throughout life? When I left home, I let go of the family that protected and molded me. But, in letting go, my hands were open to receive my independence and freedom to discover myself on a deeper level. When I got married, I had to let go of my independence and single life, but my hands became open to cultivate a life of unity with a person who has completed me in a way I never would have known possible. I could go on and on.

Last week, while I was in Michigan, I was absolutely marveling at the Fall colors. And, I was reflecting back on one of the most beautiful Fall displays I have EVER seen, which was exactly one year ago. It was during my drive from NY to MI on Oct 20, 2010. What a strange day. Driving through the mountains in Pennsylvania, speechless at the beauty of the colors and the sunshine and the glory of God's creation. Meanwhile, I had an enormous pit of grief in my spirit because I was driving back to MI for the funeral of Timm's mom. But the super strange thing was that I don't recall if I have EVER experienced the sheer beauty of a Fall day like I did that day. It was like my hands were wide open to receive. I had just let go of someone I deeply loved. My hands were wide open, whether I wanted them to be or not. And, there, with my hands wide open, I was given supernatural gifts. Gifts of peace and beauty and a deep feeling of love.

It is my belief that this is a spiritual law that takes place. Jesus refers to it many times in the gospels. "You have to lose your life to gain it...". Other world religions have similar quotes from their honored prophets or gods. I don't completely understand it. But, I experience it. It just is....

Today, I awoke to a gorgeous sunrise. I took the time to simply enjoy that sunrise as it changed colors, hues, brightness. But, I don't think I ever appreciated a sunrise or a sunset as profoundly as I have in the last year, since Sharon passed away.

A few years ago, I felt God challenging me to let go of a LOT of things. Actually, I felt him challenging me to let go of everything. And, in response, I gave up a LOT of things :) I'm sure he will continue to challenge me with the rest throughout my life. I'll admit, there have been times when I have been mad at God, confused by Him, and not trusting that He is worthy to have me standing here with my hands WIDE OPEN and having Him in control of EVERYTHING. But, let me just say that He CAN be trusted. And, whenever He has lovingly challenged me to let go....yes, I have had to release things....but I have received so much! Truth is truth. And, I have experienced this as true. If I am willing to open my hands and let go, I do receive. Sometimes it is a measurable, earthly blessing. Other times it is a spiritual blessing that goes so deep I can't put it into words. I guess that is the kind of joy Jesus promises us. And, I guess that is the kind of joy we are all seeking. And, it is the kind of joy I get so excited about sharing with others. It's joy beyond description. And, I am SO thankful that God lovingly challenges me to let go of things so I am before Him with hands (and heart) wide open!!!

addiction

For a long time, I would pray part of Psalm 139 "Search me Oh God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

I would pray that because I really, truly do want God to reveal my deep and hidden sin. I don't want anything to separate me from the joy of God's love. Sin does just that. It separates us.

But, when I pray this and mean it, the results are always painful. I DO NOT like to focus on my areas of sin. Ohhhh, I resist it. Because once it is revealed, then I have to deal with it. Yech.

So, I was chatting on the phone with my sister this week (which was very nice and we need to do more often by the way). As I was inquiring about how each person was doing, she reported how busy my 17 year old nephew is. She rattled off his insanely busy schedule and added a couple of things he has had to decline for sheer lack of time in his week.

I found myself sighing heavily and saying "oh...I miss that. I miss being busy like that." Then something popped out of my mouth that I know is true but I don't think I ever spoke it aloud. I said "That's my drug. Being busy. It numbs me. It feels so good. I can just focus on the next thing, constantly in motion, never having to slow down and be in the moment, never having to really stop and THINK because there just isn't time. "

Our conversation went on from there and we both grew tired and called it a night. But, the words I had spoken kept rattling around my head. I have an addiction. And it pulls at me every day. It screams out to me to be fed! It's gotten a bit muted since I haven't indulged it as much recently. But, it's still there.

It's strange because it would never look like a bad thing from the outside. And, in and of itself, it is not a bad thing. But, I know that when I take time to commune with my creator, he has convicted me of this addiction. He has revealed to me how I use it to numb myself and avoid Him and what He might be calling me to do.

It manifests itself in most areas of my life. I love exercise. But, I love to RUN. The faster the better. I know the benefit of other types of exercise and I have disciplined myself to participate in some. But, when it comes to something like yoga? Forget it. That is torture to me. Slowing down, holding a position, focusing on breathing. UGH! Just the thought of it makes me want to get up and run away right now.

Well, God has blessed me with a husband who has helped me gain a little bit of balance in this area. And, as I have been on a journey to follow Jesus and surrender my life to Him, I have slowly been transformed in this area. But it is still a struggle and a temptation. I'm often questioning God about how He wants me to use my time. Although I often clearly "hear" Him asking me to not over-schedule, to be available, to slow down, to practice being fully present in the moment, to graciously accept His love and to pour that love out in all that I do....even though I hear that, I resist. I come to him at least once a week with a new proposition of how I think I could be using my time differently. Good thing He is so patient with me.

I love my life. I am so madly in love with my God and so FULL of His grace and truth and love. I can guarantee I could not be having that same experience if I were doing things my way - giving in to my addiction and living life comfortably numb. No thanks.

Thanks God for searching me, knowing me, and leading me.

September in the city

Sharing some good times.

The Sunday of Labor Day weekend we went to a cyclones game. Liv made a sign and cheered. Alli got a foul ball.

Labor Day was a really cool day. This was our thirdLabor Day as Brooklynites and we planned to go to the beach, as we had the last two years. Only, this time we got to celebrate something special. About 20 people from our church community came out to be a part of our first baptism celebration. We baptized two of my friends. It was a windy day and the waves were so rough! And we were getting blasted in the face by sand! I could use that excuse for my tears. But, really I had lots of tears of joy for my friends.

Here is a video of the Baptism.

Then the girls started school last week. Alli 7th grade, Liv 4th grade. We are right in the middle, walking distance, four blocks to Liv's school and four to Alli's. God is good to us. Everyone around here says "WOW!!!! You are SO LUCKY!"

This past weekend Alli had a few freinds sleep over Friday night. Here hey are eating whipped cream right out of the can. Oh boy, they sound like 7th grade girls for sure.

Saturday we had our block party. It was so great to meet our neighbors and just enjoy the day. Playing, eating, drinking. Kids running wild in the street with skateboards, scooters, fire hydrant spewing water all over. There is a lot of neighborhood pride on our block and it feels so cool. We really had a good chance to talk with the folks who have been here for 10, 20, 30 years. We also had fun with the newbies and made some new friends. Good times. We feel incredibly blessed that God led us right to this block to live.

As it got dark, we were able to see the beams of light rising into the sky from the sight of 9/11. The following day would be the 10 year anniversary. It was a very strange feeling being here on that anniversary. Surrounded by people who lived through it and knew people who were killed that day.

We had a time of sharing on Sunday at our church gathering. Here is Craig's Blog if you care to read some of his thoughts.

All weekend, I enjoyed seeing pictures on facebook or picture mail of my niece enjoying her reign on the court of the Richmond Good Old Days back in Michigan. It would have been really nice to share that time with family. My nephew made his debut driving the John Deere in the big parade. So thankful to have instant pictures available! That is so neat! Makes it a lot easier to be far away.

Timm is working mostly from home. He loves his new position. He is working hard and we are praying that this position is long term for him. So, if you feel like praying for us, we'd love support in that prayer.

No I will add a few photos!

King of Awkward Moments

Yesterday I was listening to a friend's album, amazed at his talent by the way! One of his songs is entitled "King of Awkward Moments". At the same time, I found myself reflecting on a chance encounter from the day before that had left me in serious contemplation. And, I put the two together....God really is the King of awkward moments. He is IN all of our moments, if we will just have the eyes to see him. I'll share my awkward moment in the best way I can put it into words.

We were enjoying our "Grand Finale" of summer fun as a family. We went to Luna Park at Coney Island. I was having a great time watching the JOY on my kids' faces as they experienced the thrill of all the rides. At the same time, I was feeling an "awkward" sense of guilt. Here we were, unloading the $$ for two wristbands so our girls could experience 4 hours of having their bodies whipped around in various ways against the physics of nature. Then we were reaching back into our pockets to fork out the $$ for ridiculously over priced snacks. We wrapped up the evening with a fairly affordable dinner at subway ($5 footlongs rule). But, we added a whopping dessert bill at coldstone creamery. So, I sometimes stop and think about how much time and $$ we spend pursuing leisure....fun...enjoyment. I can't help it. I'm one of those people who can't help bu think about "the starving kids in Africa" every time we indulge in something. But, that isn't even the point of my story.

I was sitting on a bench, the girls were on a ride, and Timm was catching some shade nearby. I was enjoying watching the people. And, it was obvious that people watching at this amusement park was a different experience from Cedar Point where we go each summer. This crowd was very diverse. So interesting to see all of the different cultural and ethic clothing, behavior, language, etc. I heard the woman next to me say something. I wasn't sure what she said, so I turned to her and nodded and smiled. She said something else, clearly speaking to me, but again, due to her thick accent, I wasn't sure what she said, so I smiled in response. So then she politely asks "do you speak no English?" I responded, "Oh! No, I'm sorry. I do speak English." And we began a conversation.

Although this beautiful young woman shared her name with me, and I even repeated it, I cannot even pretend to have any idea how to pronounce or spell it. She had dark skin, long black hair, and traditional ornate "Indian" clothing with her whole body covered in layers of gorgeous fabric. During our 20-30 minute conversation, as she fed her infant son, I was convicted, inspired, and moved. Yet, in a sense, it was an "awkward moment". In that short time, she shared with me that it was a day of celebration for her and her family who are Muslim. They were celebrating the end of their fasting month of Ramadan. She told me in her broken English, with a big smile, about their practice of fasting for 30 days from 4am - 8pm. I asked some questions about it and she was happy to share. She told me that they try to focus on "no bad things, no lying, only good things" during the fast. We talked about motherhood and how it changes us as women. She told me she just moved from Pakistan a few years before. She told me about her marriage and how "In her religion" and "In her country" the parents choose a spouse for their children. She said that parents have more wisdom and life experience in order to help direct their kids into a good relationship. We talked about our neighborhood and families. She asked me at one point whether I had married my husband before we had our kids? She was not at all asking in a judgemental way, but out of honest curiosity. She said that most of the people she meets do not "do it in that order" here. She said she was glad for our kids that we "did it that way". I told her that our family is of the Christian faith and we hold strong Christian values to guide our choices. I told her that I hope to be able to teach my girls to hold these values, even though they are pulled by the world to turn away. She just waved her hand and shook her head and said "No. No. You are their mother. They will follow you in your ways. They will. They will do whatever YOU do." She said it so matter-of-fact. Like I should have no concern whatsoever that my girls would turn away from the faith, values, or standards that our family holds.

Anyways, like I said, we chatted for 20-30 minutes. And, here is the awkward part. There are many who would say that I should encounter this person with sadness. Sadness that she doesn't know Jesus and truth. Sadness that she won't "get into heaven". Sadness that her religion is wrong and mine is right.

But, that is not what I felt. I was so encouraged by this sweet young woman. By her strong family values, her love for her home country, her religion, and life itself. She convicted me. She was the one who reached out to talk to me. I did not pursue her. She tried three times to start a conversation. I only heard the broken English and saw the obvious differences and assumed she wasn't talking to me! She was so enthusiastic about her faith. She wasn't ashamed. And, being that it is approaching the 10 year anniversary of the terrorist attacks of 9/11, any Muslim in NYC could easily feel a bit ashamed to be identified as Muslim, right? She convicted me that sometimes I am "ashamed" of my faith because of the few people who wrongly represent my faith. Those who are unloving, judgemental, hypocritical, and self righteous. I hate the thought of being thrown into a category with "them". But, why? That is NOT what MY faith represents. And, that is not how i feel. So, why would I be ashamed?

And I was convicted by her open and excited sharing about the traditions of their faith, including fasting. What a truly disciplined and beautiful practice. During the past month, as I have indulged in summer fun, eating out, having bar-b-ques, eating ice cream, drinking beer, pursuing amusement and fun....many people in her faith have been observing this fast every single day. Not just one day. Not two. But...30. And to see her face light up as she talked about it was so inspiring.

She inspired and encouraged me about my girls needing my example. She inspired and encouraged me to be strong and bold in my faith, yet loving and accepting of others. She never made me feel that my faith was wrong. She listened and smiled and accepted me. All I was able to see was our common ground, and the good in her, and the good she brought out in me. How could someone say that I should feel the need to "convert" her? In my opinion, all good things come from God. And, in my opinion, God used her to encourage, inspire and convict me.

That can get "awkward". Everyone has an opinion about what we should be doing as followers of Jesus to spread his Good News. Is it enough to simply enjoy a conversation and find common ground? Or am I supposed to try to change this person to "my" way? I don't really want you opinions on this, just a rhetorical question.

Wish we could ALL do a better job of finding common ground with others, loving them, and humbly accepting them for who they are.