gratitude

I've mentioned before how many journals I keep. At one time, I had a separate "gratitude journal" that I committed to writing in daily. I would reflect on my day and list three specific things that I could praise God for and be thankful.
Well, I have since stopped maintaining that in writing. But, I often find my prayer journal flowing with praise and thanks.
Last night, I couldn't stop praising God. I was driving home from the hospital, on St. Patrick's Day, overwhelmed with the miracle of a newborn baby. After about 16 hours of labor, the decision was made for my sis-in-law to have a c-section to deliver. Just after 7:30pm, a beautiful baby GIRL was born into this world. Other than my own children, I have never been there for that announcement in the hospital of "it's a girl", nor have I witnessed those first few precious moments of the nurse bathing and preparing the baby for mama. It was beautiful beyond words. Sorry I don't have a picture to share.
But, my gratitude didn't stop there. It was an unseasonably warm, bright, sunny day, which always brings soaring feelings of joy in a Michigander's heart! I was able to go to the hospital because we are blessed with a flexible schedule and I have a sister who helps me and took my kids. I met with my supervisor on this day and officially stepped down from my position at church (which God has been nudging me to do and I was having a little issue with obedience to his promptings). Our realtor called to inform me that someone wanted to see our house, so my amazing husband left work early so he could straighten up the house before the showing, and then he rearranged his evening schedule so I could stay at the hospital and he could be home hanging out with our girls. Our cousin Kelly, who is courageously following God's call on her life and trying to walk in the path He has laid out for her, was told on this very day that she would be offered full time with benefits at her new job (in this economy, that fact alone is enough to get a person turning cartwheels). Timm and I were able to go to a retreat in Pennsylvania over the past weekend that was absolutely anointed by God's spirit and just a ton of FUN. Ok, I could go on and on and on. But, I'll stop there.
God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
ALL praise to Him.
OK, just to be honest, I will admit that after being home for about an hour, I let anxiety and worry creep in. I felt tired and overwhelmed with how "far behind" I have gotten this week due to unforeseen scheduling conflicts :) Life is so strange. We live in a world where the great deceiver will lead us to believe that gratitude is fine, but he doesn't want to let us forget about worry, pain, suffering, regret, self pity, doubt, and fear. And, why is it so easy to default to those negative feelings? I am reprogramming my brain to default to truth, love, mercy, grace, love and trust. Ahh, take that you weak and powerless enemy. I am not my own, I have been bought at a price, and I am not for sale for your evil schemes. I'm sold out to LOVE.

No worries

Today I feel this incredible peace. Like, I have no worries. For me, that is miraculous.
But, the thing is, IF I believe that God is good, which I do.....then how does it make sense to worry? And for some reason, it occurs to me that GOD IS GOOD. Such a simple statement of truth. But, it really makes me think that no matter how confused I am or unsure I am or how ugly the world may appear at times, if I can rest in the ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that GOD IS GOOD, then I have peace and hope. If I truly, deeply believe that God loves me more than any kind of love I can imagine....then how can I do anything but praise and worship him? I realize this is not some profound revelation, but sometimes a simple truth just penetrates and really hits my soul.
There is only one comparison that I can conjure up in my worldly experience. When Timm and I were first married, I was dealing with conflict and hurt feelings and confusion at times about the way he did things. I was convinced that some of the things he did were intentional attempts to tick me off. So, I would then try to come up with something that equally communicated my anger to show him that he DID in fact tick me off. Then, one day, we were having a loving discussion about conflict in our marriage and he said something that changed everything for me. He looked me in the eye and professed that he loved me and that he would never intentionally TRY to do things that hurt me. He would never purposely act in a way that he believed would cause me pain or anger or disappointment. Now, know this, I totally trusted his words to be true. And, because of that, it changed everything for me. From that day forward I KNEW that if I was angry or hurt or disappointed with him, he was just being human. He was not TRYING to hurt me. If he failed to show me love, it was not intentional. That has allowed me to offer a ton of grace. And, when I do approach him, I don't attack him, but rather let him know that something he unintentionally did caused me hurt.
I don't know if you can follow the comparison? Obviously, God's love is perfect and unfailing and beyond my comprehension. Timm's love is human and fallible. BUT, like I said, as far as my WORLDLY experience....I know the difference it made in my life the DAY I BELIEVED that Timm loved me and didn't want to harm me.
And, today I BELIEVE that God loves me and doesn't want to harm me. He wants nothing more than to LOVE me like I've never been loved.
Ahhh, I'm going to bask in that glorious feeling today.

ketchup

No, not that kind of ketchup, I meant catch up.

Vacation is awesome! But, coming back to reality is....well....busy. Time to catch up on everything I left behind.

But, it is also eye opening. After spending 10 days without a computer, I realized that I don't need to be on it very much. And, living out of suitcase for 14 days shows me how little I need on a day to day basis. And, although Timm and I are very independent, that's a long time to be apart, and we both missed each other a lot.

So, that is all good.

And, referring back to my last post, life sure does proove to be a constant contradiction between joy and sorrow, life and death, celebration and sadness.

A few days before I was to leave my parent's place in Florida to head back to Michigan, we recieved a phone call that my aunt in MI was sick in the hospital with cancer. Not good. Her condition went from bad to worse quickly, and by the time I arrived home on Friday and called my parents to tell them we arrived safely, they informed me that they would leave the next morning to travel back to MI as well. They didn't make it in time to have a final visit with my aunt, as she passed away late sat night/early sun morning. In her home. With her best friend and two children by her side. Ugh. Death. It's so hard. So hard.

Lot's of fond memories from childhood that I am reflecting on as I mourn the loss of my aunt. They are the family who took me skiing up north in the winter, to king's island in the summer, and to the drive in, or whatever else they did for fun. They lived right across the field from us, so my cousins and I could walk or bike to each other's houses all the time to play. So many memories of my childhood involve her, my uncle (who passed away almost 20 years ago from a sudden heart attack at age 44), and my cousins. It's fun to reflect on the memories, and horribly sad to know that we will never again be able to get together at Christmas time and reminisce about all those fun times.

At the same time that this is happening, Timm is finding out at work that they are definately moving him to a position in Brooklyn, NY for the 2009 school year. So, one HUGE piece of the puzzle has fallen into place for us to move our family out there and start ministering to the needs of the city and bringing the light and truth of Jesus to a place with lots of darkness. So, we celebrate that. And, any day now, we expect a new cousin to be born and celebration of a new life! And we have to sell our house, and we had a showing scheduled this weekend, and they didn't show up. Ups and downs.

Life is so strange.

I thank God for his offer of peace. Without the peace that he offers, I don't know how I could handle the ups and downs and constant weaving together of various emotions.... success and defeat, decisions and plans and unexpected turns in the road.

OK, I'll quit blabbing and get back to my to-do list.

My life is good. It is blessed. I can sing God's praises, as well as weep tears of sorrow, all the while thanking God that it's HIM holding me through it all.

isn't that life?

How is my vacation going so far? Well, part of me wants to say that it is totally awesome and another part of me wants to point out that it is hard to be joyful when sadness and grief hit so close to home. Isn't that life? Always this contrast between the joy and the pain. I can't imagine the kingdom that Jesus has for us. A kingdom where it is ALL LOVE and ALL JOY and no more pain and suffering and sadness.
But, for now, we live in this present darkness. The world. The place where evil exists. Death exists. And, therefore, grief and sadness and so many other horrible things exist. ANd, isn't it strange......although it is certain that each of us will die....and each person we know and love will pass from this earth.....it does't make it any easier when it happens to someone?
Because, we live in a fallen world. It is not paradise. We will have sadness. We will have disappointment and grief and pain. We can not avoid it. We can only praise God that we have the promise of eternity spent without those things. It is in that hope that we can endure the disappointment of this life.
Timm's uncle died suddenly Friday night. Heart attack while driving. He was in his 50's. Young. He leaves behind many family members who are grieving. And what can we do? Nothing. We can grieve. And we can pray that somehow, in their sorrow, people will lean on the only sure thing there is, the only absolute, the promise of hope in Jesus. That is my prayer today.
And, in the meantime, this life goes on. And, I count my blessings as I sit here at my brother and sister-in-laws home in Georgia feeling OVERWHELMED with how God has blessed us. I am enjoying this time with family, looking forward to time in Florida, and thanking God for his ridiculous mercy and love and provision and protection and direction and grace.
How's my vacation going? Pretty good.

woop woop

All I can say is...WOOP WOOP! We're heading on a road trip......Southern bound.
First stop, Atlanta GA. Time with family, enjoying the cousins playing together for a few days. Probably a trip to the coca cola museum in Atlanta.
Then, onward to Venice, FL. Time with my mom and dad, and their heated pool, and the beach for sunsets. We even decided to splurge and do a trip to Busch Gardens!!!! YAY!
Really wish Daddy could come....but he doesn't have the flexibility with time off. So, it's girl road trip this time. His highlight will be having a Daytona 500 party while the girls are gone.
One more busy day here in grey, gloomy, cold, wet Michigan. Then, tomorrow we are off. Wish I could bring you all with me! I am SO BLESSED to have a place to go and get away each winter for FREE. It really is ridiculous.

Mushy

No, I'm not talking about the weather. Although, it is pretty wet and mushy out there in the land of melting piles of snow that had reached heights of over 3 feet!
Instead I'm referring to the feelings I have for a man. A man that God brought into my life over 16 years ago. And I feel so incredibly blessed to be his wife. I'm not much for celebrating valentine's day. Whatever. I don't really know it's origins, but I sorta group it in with something like sweetest day, just another way for the insanity of commercialism to creep into the emotional crevices of our lives. Blech. I don't need a hallmark store to command for me to acknowledge my feelings of love for someone. I can do that all by myself whenever I want to. Why should I wait until a specified date that some marketing geniuses decided was the day of the year we should purchase things for loved ones?
Anyways, that's not the point. The point is, I am so lucky that I don't need a valentine's day or a sweetest day to feel special. My husband makes me feel loved all year long. He respects me, trusts me, honors me with his words, compliments me, and takes care of me. He listens to constructive criticism and instead of getting defensive, he is able to admit when he has an area that he'd like to improve. You see, he isn't perfect. But, the beauty of it is....he knows he isn't perfect. One of the traits that drew me to falling in love with him is his confidence (as well as his sense of humor, intelligence, sensitive nature, and more). But, I thank God because that very trait of confidence could turn into a negative thing in marriage. But, because Timm seeks God, he is able to remain humble. That's the key. Thank you God! THank you. Thank you. Thank you. Marriage works if you let God work in it!!!! He will bring out the best in you, if you allow him too. And, I am honored to be trying to offer my husband my best...and I am glad that he tries to do the same. Without God intervening to help, we'd just be a couple of independent, self absorbed, score keeping, unsure people. Again, thank you God. I love my husband.

minivan anyone?

It won't be long before we are liquidating many assets, including our vehicles. And, today made me think I am READY to get rid of my vehicle right now. Why? You might ask....Did it break down? Leak oil on your garage floor? Did you get your brand new white sweater all dirty when you rubbed against it's dirty frame? No, none of that. I simply tried to park it in the city of Detroit. I'd like to express a little bit of my frustration with this seemingly simple act.

But, first, I must express the positive. I simply MUST. We had a fabulous trip to the DIA today. The girls and I headed down there with my sis and 3 of her kids. What a great place to visit. If you haven't been there recently, what are you waiting for? We even got free passes from our local library. And, the people working there were above and beyond courteous and helpful! That was so refreshing. It was so fun to watch the kids eagerly scampering from exhibit to exhibit reading the descriptions and making comments. As a home school mom, it is so rewarding to be there watching my kids take in the world or art and make connections to periods of history that we have studied and get excited about it! Very very cool. On that end, it was a perfect day.

Now, back to my desire to get rid of our vehicles. How annoying can parking be? After driving around the block, we located a spot about 1-2 blocks from the DIA. Cool, all we had to do was drop some change in the meter and walk in the blustery cold for a few minutes. However, although I dropped enough change in the meter to last 2 hours, the meter read 45 minutes. Crap. Lost some money on that deal. So, after 45 minutes, I grab my coat from the coat check and head out to the 5 degree cold to move my van to a new meter that works. No problem, I park on Woodward and proceed to figure out where the meter is and drop another dollar in, then it tells me I have reached the max time-one hour. Dang. Oh well. After 50 minutes pass, I run BACK OUT INTO THE COLD....this time I decide not to grab my coat, even if it is 5 degrees. What is that I see? A parking ticket? What the crap? So, I go back to the meter and try to put in MORE CHANGE. It's this digital thing that won't let me press the right button. Probably frozen. ANYWAYS.....I'll make this long story shorter....I call the person on the parking ticket trying to figure out what to do to avoid adding more money to a meter that doesn't work anyways!!!! Then, my hand freezes and I have to literally RUN back to the DIA before I risk my skin integrity and frostbite. Of course, the person on the phone only offers me this: You can fight this ticket in court by sending the ticket with a written explanation, then appearing in Detroit for a hearing. In the meantime, you should move your vehicle to a meter that works or you will get ANOTHER TICKET! OK, the museum is now closing in 35 minutes. The people working there were beyond nice to me. I had to get my coat from coat check again to get my keys and run back out into the cold, then the valet guy insisted I park for free right in front of the building. It is because of the people working at the DIA that I will gladly return.
However, I don't see how I will fight this ticket. By the time I pay for the stamp to send the letter in, pay for gas to drive to Detroit, pay for PARKING while I am in the court building, all the while dragging my kids with me.....I don't know how that can justify "winning' even if I don't end up paying the fee. Because, if I pay a fee within the next 10 days, it is only $10.
But, it's the principle of it, ya know?