faith and not-knowing

I was reading a daily mediation, and I found myself re-reading the entire thing, because it invigorated me. Then the excitement faded and I was left with a feeling of confusion and disappointment.  Why don't more people see this?  Get this?  Consider this?

I guess they aren't wired like me - to question everything and then to question again.  Never resting on what I know,  but always in wonder of what I do not yet know or understand.

I guess there were plenty of years in my life that I understood faith to be an unwavering certainty that I had the right answers to the big questions. And I guess I probably feared the discovery of anything that could contradict my certainty.  

But...I just couldn't settle for  a worldview where all mysteries of the universe were neatly explained in my limited intellect - never to be challenged or changed again  (because I had faith that I was right).  

That just didn't satisfy me.

And for a while I was frustrated with my need to question everything.  It felt like such a burden and such a distraction from simply "having faith" and "doing the right things" as outlined by Christianity.

It was one of the best things that ever happened for me when I learned to embrace, celebrate, and enjoy my questions, doubts, and uncertainty!  I can remember that time in my life. Through reading books and listening to teachings and experiencing my own mystical exploration of spirit, I felt like my mind, body, and spirit came to life in a new way.

So, I guess I do understand how someone could end up trapped in a closed mindset, unwilling to explore growth.  It threatens what they might feel is their faith.  I was there myself.  I just could not stay there.

What if I hadn't had those authors, teachers, thinkers and thought leaders sharing what they had learned?  Could I have arrived at the place of celebrating my doubts and questions without the community and connections of those trusted people?

Part of my compulsion to write is simply my learning process.  I can slow down my flow of thoughts enough to articulate them.  And then I can go back and read what I was learning. But I can't help but consider sharing some of what I learn.  Because, I'm so grateful for what was shared with me!

What I read that left me intrigued was about how scientists practice an openness to new questions and discoveries, which seems more like "faith" than the certainty that is embraced by many Christians. 

Modern scientists move forward with some degree of not-knowing, which is what pulls them to discover.  They remain open to new evidence that would tweak or change the previous "belief".  Whereas, many religious people insist upon complete knowing at the beginning - and being certain every step of the way.  It's a dead end; impossible to grow, discover or learn.

And, although scientists can really only study the material world, they have also come up with "beliefs" to explain things like dark matter, black holes, chaos theory, string theory, and other things they cannot prove exist - they know them first by their effects, or evidence, then work backwards.  Look at quantum physics!!

There's a humility in scientists that we don't often see in clergy or "true believers".  Many scientists believe in the reality of things that are invisible, even spiritual, more than many "believers" do!

But can I blame people of faith?  If their trusted spiritual leader is communicating that faith = certainty and that anything that threatens, shakes, or changes that certainty is to be avoided, feared and fought against - they could easily view a new discovery as an evil force that is tempting them to compromise their true faith. 

And if they're taught to avoid and resist evil, they might tighten their grip on their certainty so aggressively that they begin to worship certainty and their need to be right above loving and following Jesus - the object of their faith and the very mystery of love.

They could easily interpret any thoughts or ideas that cause them to question what they've already been taught as a threat to not only resist but to actively FIGHT against.

Hmmmm.

Isn't that exactly what happened to Jesus?  The religious leaders already "knew" God and God's plans.  Jesus was a new idea that did not fit in the faith they were so certain of.  He threatened their very certainty - and they didn't simply dismiss him, they actually KILLED him!  They would rather murder than have their certainty threatened.

It shouldn't be surprising that people of faith do the same thing today.  When something threatens their certainty, they see it as evil and want to eliminate it.

It confuses me and makes me sad that people can call themselves believers or followers of Jesus and yet remain unwilling to explore the ways of Jesus and to acknowledge the radical way he addressed religious people and challenged them to change (repent, turn). 

Jesus brought good news to all people. He brought a message of forgiveness, unity and compassion.  He lifted up those who were oppressed, forgotten, judged and mistreated.  He brought a commission to expand the kingdom of love and freedom and hope on earth.  But, he wouldn't follow the rules.  He disregarded tradition and put people before laws.  And the religious people would not have it.  He disrupted their order.  They refused to be open to change or growth.  

I'm grateful that my insuppressible curiosity has allowed me to be open to change and growth. And I hold on to hope that others will discover the revolutionary love of Jesus and allow his spirit to change them as well.

Hope

Earlier this week I was talking with some friends about hope and about how it sometimes feels risky to hope.  Why set yourself up for possible disappointment?  What if I hope and then I'm let down? Then we talked about how faith is being certain of what you HOPE for.

Today as I was reading a reflection/meditation, I came across this

"I believe that, as "children of the resurrection" we are both burdened and brightened by a cosmic and irrepressible hope- and we can never fully live up to it.  We are both burdened and brightened with the gift of an optimism whose head waters are neither rational, scientific, nor even provable to those who do not have it, yet, it ticks away from a deep place within us"

Why do I dare to hope?  Dare to dream?  Dare to encourage others to do the same?  It only sets us up for discouragement if our hopes are not fulfilled, right?  But, what if the hope deep within me is irrepressible?  It's not from my logical mind.  What if it's nestled into my spirit and when I'm still and quiet, it bubbles to the surface where I can feel it with my senses and experience it...in my heart, and maybe eventually in my mind as well?

It  doesn't originate where my logic and reason dominate.  It begins somewhere else, and rises up into that region in my mind, politely nudging it's way in.  Then it presents new ways of thinking; fresh ideas and possibilities that I hadn't considered.  

It is creativity.

It is possibility, wonder, unconventional wisdom.  It is the presence of the very power of creation itself.

Hope

And I want more of it.

Being stuck in what I "already know" doesn't bring me much hope.  I can take those 10,000 puzzle pieces of what I already know and rearrange them for eternity yet that will never create something new. I try to convince myself that surely I have enough pieces, and if I just shift them around a bit more, I will put together a new thing.  But it seems to keep leading me to the same outcome where all of the pieces fit neatly and create the logical image I had already been familiar with.  Or, in my determination to make something new, the pieces get crammed into one another in new ways, leading to something dissatisfying that doesn't exactly feel right but "could" work.

Instead, I have access to unlimited new pieces to create new things that I haven't yet seen or imagined.  When I spend time in stillness and contemplation and receiving from the ultimate creative source, I get so many more pieces to create with! It brings me hope! It allows me to dream that possibilities are actually endless and often just beyond what I have settled for already knowing or understanding.

Of course, there are other practices that can help us discover the gift of hope, but this one is most notable for me.  Being quiet and listening....Being still and waiting....trusting that hope is there, even when I am having difficulty experiencing it. 

Good News, God's Kingdom, and Music

Just sharing a reflection from my journal about Good News, God's Kingdom, and music. 

I love this word picture I read to describe the Good News.  

"Jesus forms a movement of people who trust him and believe his message.  They believe that they don't have to wait for this or that to happen, but rather they can begin living in a new and better way now....life for them is about an interactive relationship - reconciled to God and to one another - so they see their entire lives as an opportunity to make the beautiful music of God's kingdom so that more and more people will be drawn into it and so the world will be changed by their growing influence."

This is what my spirit yearns for. This is Good News!  Reconciled to God and to others.  Living a new and better way now.  And I love the phrase "They see their entire lives as an opportunity to make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom."

How cool to think of it as beautiful music!  I'm always so intrigued when I consider a person creating a song - creating a new arrangement of musical notes and lyrics.  How beautiful!  How impossible!  Haven't all possible arrangements of musical notes been put together by now? No! It's seemingly endless.  Even when someone does a cover of a song, they can rearrange, add, or spin it to be new.  

God is endless creativity - just like music.  There is no limit to the creative expression we can tap into when we are reconciled with THE Creator!  We can "make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom" and it can be fresh and new every single day.  It can never be stagnant.  

We can enjoy music that has been made and has been passed down and has endured.  We can create new music.  We can certainly be drawn to different expressions, styles and forms of music.  Just like my husband feels his spirit lift while he's by the ocean and mine when I'm on a trail surrounded by trees.  Some will find their spirit lift when music is lyrically pointing them to truth about God.  Some will feel a deep stirring when the poetry in the music leads them to contemplation.  Some enjoy the simple chords and lyrics that invite ease to sing along.  Some enjoy the unpredictable, almost free flowing, unscripted, unchartered route of a guitar riff that you can get lost in and it seems to have no beginning or end.  

For me, music speaks to a part of my soul that nothing else seems to penetrate.  It transcends my typical pathway of assimilating information.  It opens up a new pathway - beyond the cerebral, cognitive, logical, thinking part of my being - reaching deeper, further, wider.  It bypasses the well traveled route I rely on to assess information.  It goes to my spirit.  

So, I really love that he used this analogy - we can "make the beautiful music of God's Kingdom".

It's overwhelming! It's creative beauty that is endless and beyond words, reasoning and logic.  
Yet, I also know that when people study music, it actually integrates mathematics and unwavering rules of the design of the universe.  

Isn't that just a picture of God? Endlessly creative, yet somehow woven in to a particular structure that is set and enduring and even predictable.  

It's a paradox.  I love it! Truth always seems to involve paradox.  It stretches me.  Is music boundless, creative and ever evolving, or is it somehow restricted to unchanging rules of mathematics?  YES!  BOTH! 

So intriguing.  So beautiful.  So mysterious.  My appetite is insatiable - for new music - and for seeing God in new ways.  

Poems

 April is National Poetry Month. 

A while back, I was reading a book about poetry and I realized that actually attempting poetry is super vulnerable for me. It goes to such depths.  It's emotion on paper.  It's admitting the depths of awareness, feeling, emotion, uncertainty, confusion, delight.  Trying to express the transcendent.  And, if you don't know me well, you might not know that I prefer thinking to feeling.  Poetry exposes my feely side and I'm just learning to be OK with that part of myself. Plus I have no idea how to write poems.  

But, what the heck.  I have jotted down a few poems in my journal over some years and thought - why not share them here?

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Round and round we go

Where is the clock?

Nobody knows.

Stop!  Did you hear that?
A snowflake just fell.

Through the tick and the tock,

I could hardly tell.

Another.  Another. 

Does white carry sound?

Perfect stillness rests

I hear it clanging all around

The morning has broken

The morning in mine

The tick tock, the stillness

The gift of time.

It's there.  Or is it?

It surrounds us, and yet...

With tight fists I grab hold, 

And with open hands I get. 

Stop.  Go.  Stop.  Go...

In motion tremors thrill

but in the ring stands fighting

the desire to be still.

Who will be the victor?
Who takes home the prize?

Can you measure these opponents?

Will they score based on their size?

Run.  Accomplish.  Fight.  Win.

Then worthy you will be.

But stop, reflect, surrender, lose

And victory you might see.  

--------------------------------------------------

Too much pain

Disconnect

See the smile

Shut down the heart

Too much pain

The dagger is a threat

I can't let it puncture

Shift, dodge, scroll, move

Keep moving

The blade finds willing flesh

Their words ooze from the wounds

But not me

Keep them all inside

They are my oxygen

My lungs swell

Exhale

Controlled, alive, protected

---------------------------------------------

Woosh.  Woosh.

A friendly dragon breathes in the morning sun.

The breeze carries it away.

Woosh.  Woosh.

My heart lifts!  

I know this.

I remember this!

It is colors.

Rising on a breeze.

Saying yes to the trees...and then no

Lifting with each exhale

But I lift with each inhale

We're breathing together

------------------------------------------------------

Colors

Sounds

Creamy blue palette

Green rustling and swaying

How can I hear a breeze?

Only as it catches what impedes it's path.

How can it be so beautiful?

It's invisible.

Yet, my breath catches in my throat.

Branches sway and leaves dance. 

-------------------------------------------------------

A lifetime of training

Lean in, not away.

Open arms for an embrace

Answer yes, it's OK.

What are you protecting?
Why is it so hard?
Others make it look so easy.

Let down your guard.

Not sure when it happened.

But training works that way.

I think I'm one of them now

there's nothing I need to say.

Stop

Recoil

Don't

Not safe!

There's an enemy among us

we must not make mistakes.

That person isn't the enemy

Defeat is in the space between us

Resist the desire for closeness

Retreat to self protection is a must

Stranger on the street

Move away and nod discreetly

Hold your breath and speculate

Wish the categories lined up neatly.

Us and them

Nothing makes sense

Do I make exceptions

in my line of defense?

Can I?  Should I/

Who do I ask?

Knowing right and wrong

Has become and impossible task.

What felt like selfless and loving

has become a selfish act.

Do you want to be part of the problem?

All invitations you must retract.

It won't always be this way

Don't let it harden your heart

Grieve the temporary loss

And let perfect love do it's part.

There's no condemnation in love

No judgement, no keeping score

No fear, no worry, no envy, no pride

And when it runs out, there is more!

My Dad

It's been 4 months since we lost my Dad.

We had the opportunity to get up and share at the funeral home during the visitation for my Dad.

I jotted down some notes.  Here are a few things I talked about.

We joke about how he walks. One arm swinging.  Leaning forward.  I remember my Mom saying I could always keep up with him - even as a little kid with my short legs.  
Sometimes Timm says "pump the brakes Harold" to me when my pace is high speed.

Not sure who remembers when he had to try the skateboard in Florida and wiped out.  Sometimes when I'm moving faster than is safe, or I try something I probably shouldn't, Timm might say "easy Harold".

When I injured my pinky finger playing basketball and I just wanted to go home, but Timm insisted I go to the emergency room. Now I have a bent pinky, just like my Dad.  And when I had torn a muscle pretty bad - that time he didn't even have to say it - I know Timm was thinking "you're just like your Dad."

He might be poking fun - but I love to hear someone say I'm just like my Dad.

I hope so

I posted a picture of him on Facebook saying I'll miss his smile and several people commented that they see his smile in mine.

I hope so.

I hope I can carry on his spirit.

Over and over as I made call this weekend, or sent texts, I would get the same response "Oh No! Not Harold.  He was so happy and friendly and helpful and kind."  Most people added  - "and I just talked to him!"

He wasn't always a patient man.  I put him over the edge more than a few times when I was a sassy, spunky, energetic kid.  Sometimes I think I slowed him down with all of my questions and "yah but's".  But as he aged, he grew more and more patient.

With my kids and all of the grandkids, he welcomed them into whatever he was doing.  My girls loved to go out and pick sugar snap peas or cucumbers.  He would let them do it themselves while he carried a basket, and they felt treasured.  

I see the kids next door.  How he invited them in to learn about farming and gardening.

In Florida, any time I talked to him he would be doing something for the condo or for someone else.  Always asking everyone how they're doing...and then listening.  And then offering help.  Or inviting someone else to help him.  I hear he has an apprentice recently doing some of the plants with him.  Now he has someone who can step in and take some of it over.

That's pretty much what I shared at the funeral home.  But, I'd add:

Our motto in our home is "Live 360".  It's our mission to try our best to always have 360 vision - looking all around and asking God to give us his eyes to see people.  And not just to see people, but to love and care for them.  

And I'm not sure if I ever fully realized that's how Dad lived.

He didn't go out and find kids in need and create a program where the kids would come and work in his fields.  No, he saw the neighbor kids and he invited them.  It can be that simple. 

He didn't go looking to volunteer with big brothers, but I heard several of my brother's friends say that my Dad was a father figure to them and they learned so much by being around him.  They said they always felt welcome and treated like family. 

He didn't need to arrange elaborate programs at his condo, he just saw every person and learned their name and their story.  They all knew he was interested in them.  He cared about the grounds and worked to improve the landscaping.  He watered plants, replaced some that needed it, and talked with the hired crews to ensure the work was done well. 

He wasn't a hospice volunteer on a team, but when his sister was dying, he talked with her every day and was there to love and serve her - and then to take care of everything when she passed.  

His neighbor in Michigan shared that not only was my Dad the best neighbor, but also the best man he'd ever met.  

All of the grandkids shared the he made each feel like his favorite - and was always interested in their lives.  He supported them in whatever they did, even if he didn't fully understand it. 

He was available to everyone who crossed his path. He lived 360.

Why pray?

I woke up yesterday feeling the best I have since this whole Coronavirus life change started.
Why?
Probably a combination of things.
Maybe I was just lucky to land in the "acceptance" stage of grief for a day.
But, I also think it was interesting that I woke up the night before and couldn't fall back to sleep.  I wouldn't say I was feeling anxious, just awake.
I did have thoughts springing into my mind.  I considered just getting up for the day, but I checked my phone and it was only 2:15am.
Nope.  Not getting up.
But I thought it might be helpful to just write things on my task list on my phone as I thought of things so I could get them out of my head.
So that's what I did.
If I thought of something, I would jot it down.
Then I laid there and prayed. 
I prayed for people and situations and people groups.
Then I recited the Lord's prayer repeatedly. 
Eventually, I fell asleep.
So, when I woke up the next morning  I felt rested and....motivated.
Weird.
I have been feeling so low and overwhelmed and just foggy.  It was noticeable to me that I felt more clear-headed.
I grabbed coffee and started my daily morning time of reading, praying, listening, and writing.
First I read something in a daily email meditation about how Jesus said "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" and the reflections said "If our soul is at rest in the comforting sweetness and softness of God, we can bear the hardness of life."
That felt so comforting to read.
I thought about how I had been up the night before, but never felt anxious about it.  I prayed, I surrendered, then I prayed some more.
Next I moved on to read Luke 22 and saw the familiar story of Jesus praying, then returning to his disciples and finding them asleep.  He said "Why are you sleeping?  Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
I found it interesting that he didn't say "get up and pray for me" or "pray for things to turn out the way you want".
No, he says to pray SO THAT you won't fall into temptation. 
Interesting.
Because the night before as I prayed the Lord's prayer, I had stopped after saying "lead us not into temptation..." and I wondered "really? do I need to pray that?  To not be led into temptation?  Temptation of what?"
So this wording really stood out to me.
Since it was interesting to me, I reread that part of the scripture and noticed something else I had never noticed before.
Before Jesus asks "Why are you sleeping?" it says "When he rose from prayer and went back to his disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow."
Hmmmmm.
Exhausted. 
From sorrow. 
They weren't just being lazy, undisciplined, or careless like I've always perceived.
They were exhausted from sorrow.
And in that sorrow, Jesus knew they could be tempted.
So he asks them to pray.
I can relate.
I have experienced exhaustion from sorrow lately.
And in that exhaustion, I'm tempted to feel like nothing I do matters.
That's my temptation.
And, it was as if Jesus said to me at 2am "Why are you sleeping?  Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
It's a temptation for me to completely give up...to believe lies that there's nothing I can do...this is too big for me to even make a single ripple of a difference...why not just shut down...what do I possibly have to offer at this time?
But, in the night, ideas were coming to me.  It was as if my motivation showed back up.  I jotted down my ideas.  Nothing earth shattering or seemingly world changing, but ideas.  motivation.  It's what I had been lacking.
Then I woke up with a clear head.  Can't explain it.  But the fog had lifted a little. 
The temptation to believe I'm hopeless, helpless, not creative, and frankly not caring, had lifted.
I do care.
Deeply.
It's OK for me to feel sorrow.  It's OK for me to feel exhaustion.  It's OK for me to feel whatever I feel!
But, I believe there is an enemy who wants to find me when I'm down and tempt me to stay there and to experience hopelessness.
Nope.
I can pray. 
Why?
I can be reminded of my identity in Christ.
I can find my grounding.  My center.  My unchanging truth.
I can find wholeness even in my sorrow. 
And it is out of that wholeness that I can be who I was created to be. 

Truth in a whisper

I'm so grateful for a daily meditation I've been receiving via email.
A few of the quotes from today that hit me:
"God is eternal.  The human mind is finite.  If God could be comprehended, surrounded by a concept, this would make us greater than God"
and
"Alongside all our knowing must be the equal and honest 'knowing that I do not know'"
These are such freeing statements to my mind and heart.
It's so freeing for me to have well educated, well read, faithful, thoughtful, loving, curious people express what I'm already thinking.  It feels validating.
I've always found it perplexing how people can make statement about God or their worldview with such simplicity or such certainty.  For a while, I thought my goal was to read my bible and seek God and pray so that I, too, would have a rock solid certainty about who God is.  As if my ultimate hope was to finally get God inside of a box that I could easily explain to others- so that they could have God in a box too.
It's really strange to consider that would ever be a big enough hope.
Because, for me, as soon as I would get God inside my box, I would find myself a little disappointed and unsure.  It always bothered me that I was even encouraged to "share my faith" because I equated that with "put God into words and try to convey in spoken and written word all that God is".  And I would feel deep down in my spirit that if I could explain God with my limited intellect and vocabulary (in my one and only understood language) then God isn't very impressive after all.
To me, it makes so much more sense and gives me so much more hope and freedom to acknowledge and state that God is paradox, mystery, unknowing, just beyond my reach, just beyond my words, just beyond my explanation.  God is something I experience, feel and know in a part of myself that isn't language and reason.
Does that mean I can't share my faith?
No.
I still want to share this incredible hope and freedom and love with the world.  I want everyone to experience the love, grace, mercy and freedom that I believe is the hope of the world!  Of course I do.
But it actually makes me a little sick feeling to dumb that down to one bible verse or one cliche statement, or one certain idea that is meant to convey all that God is.
Especially something so weird like "God sent Jesus and you have to believe he's the only way to heaven or you'll be tortured for eternity."
What the?
That's it?
That's God?
That's his big idea for us summed up in one statement?
Where's the beauty?  The love?  The mystery? The hope?  The freedom? The complexity?
How did that one idea become worthy of sharing, while essentially leaving everything else out as less relevant?  Blows my mind.
I remember growing up, surrounded by many who had faith.  I appreciate that I felt safe, that I had a deep sense of belonging, and that I felt "in".  Of course, it breaks my heart that I honestly assumed anyone who was involved in a different church or religion was misled and it was probably a cult, because our church was "right" so everyone else had to be "wrong".  It's the only way my faith could be strong.  I had to dig in my heels and be certain we were right.  So I had to exclude others.
But, of all that I learned and witnessed and heard, I can only remember one thing that triggered a sense of wonder and curiosity and hope.
It was when my Aunt Karin, my Godmother, would say to me "Jesus loves you."
And she took many opportunities to make sure I heard that.  She wrote it in my birthday cards, whispered it in my ear when she hugged me, looked me in the eye and said it when I was overwhelmed.
I attended Catholic school for 8 years of my formative childhood, I went to mass at least once a week, usually 2-3 times a week during the school year.  So I must have learned a lot.  I said the rosary with my Grandma frequently, did the stations of the cross during lent, made all of my sacraments, took holy Communion, made my confession every few months, and said my memorized prayers every day.
But the only thing I remember is "Jesus loves you" being whispered in my ear and something deep inside me wanting to believe that was true.
I don't have any memory of any other things I did, said, or thought bringing me to that feeling of hope.  My deep desire to believe I was loved.  That I was worthy of Jesus' love.  That I was connected somehow to the mysterious God through a love relationship that I did nothing to earn or deserve.
All of that yearning and hope was communicated to me somehow in that simple statement "Jesus loves you".
I could not have comprehended most of the thoughtful explanations I now enjoy reading about faith, grace, theology, and church history.
Yet, truth seems to find it's way to a soul that is searching.
And, for me, even as a child, my soul was searching for that truth.  And my Aunt Karin, who lived a life of obedience to her Jesus, wanted to share that truth with me.
Man, we over complicate things.  It's so weird.  Of course God is beyond our comprehension.  Of course we can't fully know God.
But we can seek truth.
And we can share hope and love.
And, if we believe it's true, we can simply whisper to someone "Jesus loves you."